Week Whatever: Addicted

You know how you can get addicted to reality shows? Well, right now I'm addicted to this whole show, this whole process, this whole LIFE thing. I mean, how cool is that? Maybe this is a little like the excitement Fi shows when she gets to show off just how capable she can be and is (she looks so thrilled during those moments).

And, okay, here's some off-track stuff (it's a lot more personal-parent than about the family journey). (where to start?) During the momTV show last night, and the following chat, I realized I was going to have trouble helping Fi develop courage...it involves letting her struggle, and get frustrated, and fail...and I don't want her to get DIScouraged (funny, i never realized how those two words are entertwined!). I have such a STRONG fear of her getting discouraged...that I realized I'm likely an "avoidance" child myself. Doesn't make much sense on the surface: I have a PhD and a medical degree, and a great job (both outside the home and now AT home!). It's not like I avoid work - my parents NEVER had to remind me to do homework, or study, that was stuff i took on for myself. But, man, do I ever avoid failure...and do I ever avoid connection (it's a miracle I'm married, really).

And you know what else? When Vicki lectured in Simsbury the spring of 2009, and I was forunate enough to be there, she lectured about the roadmap stuff. I made a roadmap of what I wanted my daughter to think of me, and my goal was to be a courageous person...so whew, thinking of this again last night, I was all tearing up, my big sign that I'm touching on some real emotional baggage. Whew.

And then, driving in to bikram yoga this morning, I was thinking about telling Fiora how much she mattered this morning, and I had this instant insight about myself. I'm not just an avoidance child, I'm a revenge child. Whoa. Again, it's not obvious. I loved my parents dearly (okay, maybe it's more obvious with my brother!! We are cordial but nothing like friends or even frequent communicators - but even there, not vicious), I did NOT lash out at them. They needed my support when I was a kid (sick father), and I was loyal to a fault. But I realized this morning that MY version of revenge, since I couldn't cause them dramatic hurt without disrupting the fragile balance of our family (and I couldn't bear that - avoidance?), was to not connect. I loved them, don't get me wrong, but I kindof withdrew any true emotional availability. It felt like there wasn't space for me to be emotionally real anyway (hence the hurt, maybe?).

So, I spent bikram today (ninety minutes of hot yoga, spent looking at oneself in a huge mirror) going over the mantras from PoT - telling myself I mattered, that the universe would choose me over and over again, imagining what it would feel like to have my parents (who have been dead for a long time now) tell me that - asking myself to be courageous and engage in the yoga, and to let my poor balance be MY pathway to a healthy body, be MY courageous way to engage in the process - oh my god, it was really intense. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but it was REALLY intense, and emotional, in kindof random ways.

I'm going to do it again next time.

So, today it's about my relationship with myself. Big journey steps. So I can be there for Fiora. Thanks, Vicki.