Contributions...amazement

Last night was family meeting. Yet again, I'd been feeling tired and hadn't prioritized making some neat tags of paper or popsicle sticks or whatever to pull out of a hat or a pile, so I just piped up and named a few rooms. I sortof assigned Fiora the bathroom randomly then, me the dining room, DH the kitchen. Then I asked Fiora is she wanted something else, but she wanted (!) the bathroom. Cool. Didn't feel like we'd really talked about the whole thing enough, even though I've said a sentence or two about it for the last month or two.

This morning after breakfast, when Fi wanted to watch Wiggles, I told her we had to do contributions first, and I got busy cleaning the dining room table and chairs, the floor underneath (didn't take that much time...! Yes, I'm contribution challenged, too!). Then I announced it was time for the bathroom, and Fi cheered (!), ran into the bathroom, opened the closet, and grabbed the toilet brush with joy (! wow, what a world this is!). Then she happily plunged it about in the toilet. I told her how to dry it off by tapping it on the edge of the toilet, which she did. Then she announced, "we need water!" and she pointed to the very top shelf of the bathroom closet where the big container of white vinegar is kept. WTH!?!? Did i mention that I'm contribution challenged? She may have seen me use that once, MAYBE twice, in recent history. I am floored.

I asked what else needed cleaning, and she didn't say anything - finally stated that she needed a bath, so I suggested cleaning the tub. Excitement! So we cleaned the tub together (it's big, that's my excuse for helping, plus it was the first time, plus _I_ was excited), then she took a bath.

This is way cool. She has so impressed me today.

Gratitude (IV)

Still practicing...gratitude that DH is holding his own, has his inner peace still, despite lots of pressure at work (AND Harry Potter's last book being much darker than he wanted!!)....gratitude that despite a frustrating lack of sleep, I haven't much lost my composure, and when I have, at least I've wondered if there might have been a way not to, despite the lack of sleep.
Gratitude for my late night, cold-biting air walk with the always grateful dogs, the dark night sky, the Christmas lights of neighbors making deep nighttime dog walks unthreatening despite the possibility of ice on the road
Incredible gratitude that I got to see Fiora pick up ALL THE BANAGRAMS, just because Bri mentioned that they needed to be picked up (!!), and that she was in a good space for doing it :) - love that!
Gratitude for all the good meals I haven't mentioned yet this weed (ie, gratitude for good, tasty, healthy food!!) - tonights garlic pasta, and organic roasted potatoes with butter, and egg nog for dessert (not actually enhanced really by the addition of rum, I think)...for cabbage rolls that were so tasty Fiora ate 2 of them (!)...
For a client who was able to be truly grateful, despite the difficulty for her in being so (indepnedent woman), for the gift of services she could not afford - that was a such a gift for her to give me
Gratitude that the salt lamp I bought because it sounded cool and because I could may finally be the answer to Fiora's night light
Gratitude for the recent spate of good movies, after a dearth of good stories in my life: Funny Girl with an amazing Barbara Streisand, Cheaper by the Dozen (not as good as I'd hoped, but fun to watch an old movie), How to train your Dragon (the gift of laughter), Veggie Tale's fanciful tale of St Nick seen with Fiora, looking forward to Despicable Me (lent by the same staff member)
Gratitude for hot tea on cold mornings
Gratitude for wood coming tomorrow for the wood stove
Gratitude for good timing on Christmas presents (!)
Gratitude for a cheap organic shirt found at Walmart (!)
Gratitude for Fiora showering us with kisses during blessing tonight, and last night
Gratitude that Fiora likes her comforter - for finally finding peace that our daugher is not freezing in her cold room
Gratitude for the time to sweep the family room and kitchen yesterday - a brief but welcome respite!
Gratitude for being able to clean the kitchen despite being tired and sleepy
Gratitude for the dogs always being so even keeled when I'm feeling tired and/or cranky
Gratitude for cold dogs waking me up the morning excited that it's so cold and/or snowy!
Gratitude to DH for not being amorning person yet being willing to get up early to shovel the steep driveway
Gratitude to our daycare provider for taking Fiora even when she's a bit sick
Gratitude to FCL CT for being such an inspiration of support for each other
Gratitude to Jenn for organic moisturizer that may have cured by winter skin
Gratitude to bikram yoga and the good instructors we have for helping me feel my back getting stronger and stronger
Gratitude to the pains I have letting me know where I still need work in my body
Gratitude to my boss for getting a cold laser and being generous with how we use it
Gratitude to the last patient I had today for giving me such a boost when his attitude improved so dramatically after treatment
Gratitude to all my clients for loving their pets so much and welcoming me into those good relationships
Gratitude to DH for being an inspiration about "moving the ball down the field"
Gratitude to my MIL for initiating conversation after some awkwardness
gratitude to my staff for only mentioning how terrible my hair looks in dry weather once and somehow gracefully getting out of that
Gratitude that I still have some chocolate rum balls left to eat before they're all gone
Gratitude that I got to share my favorite chocolate rum balls with friends and family and clients
Gratitude for bright letters from friends
Gratitude for frictionful places to walk on our nighttime walks
Gratitude that a friend offered her backyard as a walkway for me and the dogs anytime to get to the forest!
Gratitude for the beautiful pictures of Fiora we have, and that cheap Ikea frame makes them look so good
Gratitude for the meeting I needed with my boss, and her generosity with her time then
Gratitude for staffmembers that will make hours for me so I don't have to take vacation when it's freezing cold outside
Gratitude for a cat who let me pet him longer than ever before
Gratitude that my boss complimented my dining room rather than noticing the food all over the floor
Gratitude that DH wants to paint the rooms!
Gratitude that my rosemary hadn't died yet, so I could bring it inside
Gratitude that I found storm windows for our bow window, so maybe we can be warmer than we are!
Gratitude that I can go to bed now

Gratitude (III)

Today I feel gratittude about:

Fiora is coughing but only when lying down, really
Getting up at 6am was easy to do
The gingerbread (I finally made it!) is really tasty
Fiora helped me cut and decorate the gingerbread
Gingerbread dough has no eggs and is therefore pretty safe to eat raw
Brian is so on my team, and so good at sitting and not talking sometimes
Family meetings are happening once a week
Fiora put her own money away this week (into the purse, AND back on the shelf!)
How Fiora plays the family meeting harmonica (such clear tone!)
How Brian plays the family meeting harmonica (gamely!)
That I have an excuse to play my harmonica weekly :)
The peace that comes from walking the dogs twice in one day
The joy of toweling down wet dogs who love stuffing their heads into dry towels!
The joy of having wet dogs who wait their turn for towel drying!
The beauty and warmth of our new wood stove
Nimbus' ears are in pretty good shape, and I still plucked them (less ouchy to do it now)
Nimbus was patient enough to let me trim his nails, pluck his ears, and trim his face/feet/etc - which he is not terribly grateful for!
We had one turkey neck and one knuckle bone left to give the dogs on this rainy day with grooming involved
Fiora took a nice afternoon nap
Fiora gives me hugs, and holds my hand, and I also feel so loved from that
I watched an old comedy, and it wasn't terribly memorable but it brings my mind to light places anyway
I have oatmeal cookies, gingerbread cookies (yum!), and chocolate rum balls to distribute!
I have done most of my Christmas shopping (for once)
We met Sequoia's best friend tonight because I knocked on the door and asked if she could play
I managed to clean the kitchen, if not the rest of the house
Fiora picked up her clothes with a whoop to put them away!

Gratitide (II)

This evening:
The company of my dogs, Sequoia's eternal inquisiteness and bouncy jaunty gait, Nimbus' responsiveness (all the more noticeable because he rarely deigns to look at me), the joy of a quiet night with no cars passing us, the soft night air without the sharp bitter cold of the last 2 days
Finding Fiora's binky w/o engaging in emotional baggage about not finding it first for a long time
Toothsome stuffed eggplant cooked by my husband
Tatsoi that was the tastiest I've made yet (not top notch lovable, but still improving)
Train ride on 1927 train car by a river
Seeing Fiora's joy and sudden star-struck shyness at seeing "Santa"
Fiora's cool-headedness at the store, despite trouble (will write more below, that's a PonT story)
Brian being good at taking the rec to nap Fiora this morning
Fiora taking a nap for a good long time prior to our Santa train ride
My small family managing to get in the car with some alacrity to GET to the train ride (though we were still the last ones on!)
The joy I take from the pictures of my family that i hung this morning
the joy of sharing Christmas light sightings and picking favorites on the way home from the train
the smell, taste, and crunch of oatmeal cookies!
the lovey relaxed feeling of getting to bed on time
The rediscovery of what movies make me laugh (the classics!), and a long list of comedies to watch

the finance success: asked Fiora if she wanted to bring her money, she said "yes.' (Which is new.) I mediated, got her little purse from the kitchen and put it on the table where she would see it. She got it when it was time to go, insisted on carrying it herself until we got to the car when she handed it to me for safe-keeping. After the train ride, we went to their little store, and Fiora wanted to get a Thomas-style train. However, they cost about 2x what she had. This was the first thing that upset her. Still, she found a book she wanted, and we found a sale box that had some binoculars she decided she wanted. Just as we got to the front of the line (she stood in line with me!!), I realized she thought the binoculars were a train - I made the point of clarifying, and she got upset, so we left the line. Some confusion in communication, but she eventually decided she DID want the binoculars and the book, so i told her we had to get back in line and she did quite gracefully. (I was impressed with the latter, but also that she was able to bring herself back from being upset to choosing to make a purchase she could make.) After another wait (she did wander a bit this time), we got up front and she handed up her stuff. It turned out that the binoculars from the sale box weren't supposed to be there and weren't really on sale, so I had to tell Fiora that the store made a mistake and she couldn't actually afford the binoculars today (I felt awful doing that, expecting her to be flexible enough to deal with this change! plus I'm SO not enjoying saying she doesn't have enough - I think I personally find it disempowering, and I gotta find another way to deal with money! Like, saying 8 is more than 4; this is too expensive for today? ). But she took it like a champ, commited to getting her book. And as we left, she said she wanted a train for Christmas! This is big for Fiora - every time she's wanted something in the recent past, she's made a big point that she wants it NOW, not any other time. So, cool to be there for that.

And she happily read the book on the way home, then read it to her little elf, and then read it again with her baba before bed. :) Happy purchase after all!

Gratitude

These next series of posts will be repetitive. Vicki just gave a webinar about gratitude, which was great timing because I was just starting to notice how my life feels too tight. Like I've chosen stress over openness. I was remembering how, as a kid, when times were really tough, I was so full of gratitutde when things got better. And it's felt...almost like I've forgotten how to REALLY do that, what it really feels like.

Vicki asked whether we want our kids to know the feeling of gratitude, whether it's a family value for us. And I definitely want to be grateful for my family, and more often! While I don't feel like I embody gratitude enough to say it's a true value for us, I am drawn to it.

So, there is homework. To write down stuff I'm grateful for each day to help keep me in this mindset, to give structure and definitude (ha, not a word) to the good spots in life. I was just using this today because I was SOOO tired and getting really bitchy with undeserving child, couldn't figure out how to get out (of the rabbit hole), and finally found that looking for the good spots of the recent days was really helpful.

Today (already, at 11am), I was and am grateful that:
I was awake enough to get up when Fiora was too restless to sleep at 5:30am
We had a quiet hour this morning and got to see the sun wake up together
I got to feel cold dog fur without having to go outside
I got to see a dusting of snow on the ground this morning
I got to mention footprints in the snow, and turn around to see Fiora with her shoes on and then hear the dog door swing shut after her!
Brian woke up and watched Fiora while I went to the transit station on my own, and I remembered the scrap metal!
I had enough time to successfully drop off clothing donations
i had a chance, and remembered, to go get Christmas tins for treats/cookies
Barney was not as terrible at all as I expected
I got to see fiora finally enjoy hot bath water! And see her enjoy cold water, too, even in the wintertime!
that Fiora had such a long, fun bath, and that she only played with lotions that were perfectly safe
That Fiora told me she had pooped, and that she cheerfully helped me clean her up
Fiora challenges me to find ways to encourage her work with laundry without just dumping it on the floor
Fiora challenges me to find ways to interact with rude noises - to play like Groucho Marx, to change the noise conversation, to
set boundaries at the dinner table
Fiora helped me by opening the new picture fram, and she asked before she opened it
I found time to put pictures in the new frame, and some old frames, and hang OLD but lovely pictures on the wall
We have LOVELY fresh organic farm eggs from outside hens, to make a yummy breakfast, plus pomegranate seeds...yum!
That we only do dishes once a day!
For FreeCycle, so stuff we can't use is a gift to others

It's a long list, but lots of it still feels pretty distant - embracing it will take more awareness and perhaps even some pretense to let my self open up to doing this gratitude thing. Listing is different from creatively considering....

By the way, fiora has been great at saying thank you and giving us kisses and hugs lately. Maybe she's inspiring me, too!

Through her eyes and ears....

It was not a good morning. In my anger/frustration-veiled memory, Fi yelled at me for reading a cereal box; showed no interest in getting prepared to greet the morning cold; couldn't get out of the car once we got to daycare because she had just peed in her fresh pull-up, which normally she'll wear until it's heavy with pee; and then tearfully clung to me while I fretted about being late to work (until I distracted her with the thought of what was in her snackbox, buried in her travel bag).

The yelling thing is kindof coming to a head. Fi went through a phase when she was assigning things to herself or to others, and I think through that she got a sense of ownership of various random objects that are actually shared. We were amused by her claims, and frankly I liked that she was expressing herself forcefully but nonviolently. However, yesterday and today I realized that it felt really rude to be yelled at by a preschooler who is old enough to know the difference between polite speech and rudeness, between shared objects and ownership. I have no delusions that she knows this well right now, but figured it's time to start clarifying. Too bad these realizations often come in a spurt of anger and not in the clarity of thoughtfulness! (Perhaps if I blogged more....)

But, while I was feeling the anger/frustration (even voiced it to DH), I realized how stuck it was in my body, and I felt like Fi and i were stuck there a bit...it reminded me of hitting a button, and I realized i needed a tool. I realized, too, that I wouldn't like being talked to like I talked to her today, in many ways...but I still lack clarity. So the tool/experiment for today is to recreate the day through Fiora's eyes as best as I can:

She's enjoying breakfast, chowing down on cereal, using her spoon all proper and paying attention to not getting soy milk on her clothes (something she's gotten a lot better at over the last few weeks). Then Mama starts reading stuff on the cereal box, the cereal box that holds HER cereal (really her dad's cereal, but hers for the purpose of this morning as Mama doesn't eat it). It feels invasive to her sense of ownership, and she tells me to back off. Mama gets decidedly cranky and says, "That's enough. It is not okay to yell at Mama." Fiora is startled, and scared, and cries, because Mama has never seemed to mind before, and she doesn't like cranky mama anyway. But it seems to have passed, so she finishes her cereal and we talk of different things.

She was still a bit upset about cranky mama coming out of nowhere like a scary monster, and didn't gather herself to get ready for heading out. She does that better in an encouraging setting, and is still easily distracted. This morning, she focuses on the Dora pajamas mama wanted to send to a thrift store but Fiora salvaged and is quite, quite proud of. They make her happy and give her comfort. Mama mentions shoes, and a coat, but those don't make Fiora happy, so she ignores then. Thankfully, her dad intervenes, takes her sweetly downstairs and into her carseat before Mama can lose another hinge. Mama frustratedly gather shoes, coat; takes it personally (oops, always oops); and forgets to forgive stressed and (did I mention?) still sick Fi.

Once at daycare, she urinates in her pullup and feels great distress. When she's at daycare, she tries to be like her friend Alia and use the potty. When she urinates in her carseat, it reminds her of the time she did NOT have a pullup, and she gets upset. She wants to take off the pullup immediately, to take control of the situation, but mama has already taken everything inside while Fiora was busy being upset so there are no pullups left in the car. Mama demands that they go inside after telling her the pullups are all inside (Fiora really wants something HERE/NOW), picks her up and takes her inside - she feels a loss of control over the situation.

Once inside, she has a hard time self-soothing. Everything seems off. She does take off her barely wet pullup and put a new one on, but the sense of a loss of control is still there, and she's still shaken by urinating in the car AND cranky mama. Mama gets more cranky because Fiora won't let go of her leg and mama is going to be late which will set a bad tone for her whole day at work (which is tightly scheduled), but finally distracts with another self-soothing technique - you go find the snack box, and explore it. Take charge of something fun. So Fiora finds her way to self-soothing, which was much more powerful than mama telling her she would be okay or reinforcing that mama loves Fiora.

Well, that's good perspective. I can see the pros and cons of what I did much better.

Since that morning, fiora has been very affectionate - lots of kisses, and hugs. I wonder if she's finding her power to soothe her mama, or trying to make sure things are okay between us. Or if she really appreciates having appropriate boundaries. Who knows....but I love the kisses and hugs!!

Did you ever...

...catch a glimpse of your face in a mirror after talking to your child and suddenly imagine how it felt to be on the other end? I did, tonight - and it wasn't that I was being angry, or snippy, or condescending. I was just being tired, and busy - but when I saw that face, I just realized that I didn't like was it was telling the people around me. In acceptance of reality, some days I am just gong to be too tired or feel used up, I suppose. But I wonder if that really stops me from imagining how I really want to be, how to give well to those around me, how to connect...or if it just deters me if I'm not strong in my vision?

Stories? Not much - I'm too tired! ;)

Family Meeting: Fiora is doing appreciations more often than not - feels so good! We talking about adding contributions at the next meeting - Fiora's contribution to the list was "clean harmonicas" - too bad they suffer from water! I should check in with the forums about that for ideas on how to invite her into the process more. She just started getting $3/week - riches! Can't wait to see what she invests in.

Connection: time to connect with my tiredness, walk the dogs and go to bed!

What's New?

Roadmaps. I used the idea of roadmaps, after gathering with some other moms to talk about PonTrack and after reading about summer planning meetings, to make a roadmap for the autumn. It's great. I love having some of the things I'm interested in doing written down and within a timeframe. It's great to look back already and see what things I've prioritized enough, or were easy enough, to have already happened. I love feeling like I'm at least sortof on track, and I like seeing what hasn't happened yet, figuring out why, and deciding what my next step is going to be.

Roadmaps for Fiora. I've vaguely increased what I'm asking Fiora to do, after DNSN#2. Mostly this means asking her to pick up her dirty laundry, or noticing it on the ground and asking her where it belongs - we'll have to move on from there. When she's tired/cranky, it's MUCH less likely to happen (but that's true for her mama, too, so it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it). Dish cleanup from the table is better, though she still resists at first most of the time - wonder why that is? First thing that comes to mind is that often I'm not good at treating acts/choices/others/self like they/we matter...so that's next on MY goal list. I tend to think of them as important to do, but not like, how do I say this, there is intrinsic value in doing them...well, we'll see how that works out.

Encouragement. The other day I was filling out a form for a photography session, and there was a question about how I would describe my child with just one word. "Cute." Dang, she's friggin' cute. But that seemed a very Disney, bland answer, so I was looking at her and searching for other fabulous words that would describe her, not saying anything...and she looked up, said "I love you, mama, and my baba" - rarely does she do something like that, and it reminded me of the power of just positive beliefs!

Buttons. Being late and lost - that has been so well conquered, several times I've been one or the other and been surprised at how it was okay. Gods, I love that! The other day, though, we were late (DH was slow) and lost (my trouble) and I let myself get cranky - but it was definitely a choice - not a good choice, NOT good role-modeling, more punishment for DH not being on-time (ouch! I hate writing that!) - and I regret it. I don't think it did anything beneficial, Fi didn't want to get her picture taken, and I could've just told him afterwards that it really bothered me and been much more grown up about it, and probably more productive. *sigh* The lovely thing about buttons is when they're gone, not so much finding them which is SO embarrassing.

Enough for tonight! Missed posting, this felt good.

DNSN - Expectations vs. Goals

That's right, not so much External Chaos, as seems the rule. Rather Internal Chaos (though sometimes I think that's my specialty anyways!).

Fiora was fine for DNSN. I was terrible! Short tempered, nasty... haven't been like that in a long time, and here I was saying impatient, pushy, judgmental things for 2 days in a row! Ever-forgiving DH didn't think much of it (bless him), but I was blown away. I think part of it was that I was suddenly expecting Fiora to do things on her things, things that i didn't push her on normally but encouraged her with...not necessarily terribly well, perhaps...and now my DNSN voice was actually, "You can do that on your own!" But not in a supportive way, more of a cut lose and have expectations way. And then it was like I had permission to get really irritated with her. It was not useful stuff. I suppose it told me that I'd really like her to do more things on her own and contribute more. The real clarity came from realizing that having expectations (rather than goals) can be toxic for my relationships!

As far as Fiora goes, I told her briefly that I was going to let her show me how much she could do this week, and she seemed quietly excited. And off she went! Taking off her clothes on her own (even a turtleneck), putting her dishes in the dishwasher (her idea to put them there, not the sink). Rather than reminding, or nagging, I practiced observing that dishes were on the table, or books were all over the floor, in a neutral but focused way. And it worked really well (at least for now).

The last observation: when I was being nasty, DH was doing more with Fi and he was reminding a LOT. Have yet to discuss this with him, since it didn't presist, but I realize now that if he does anything it's remind her over and over again, especially before leaving the house - perhaps this helps her (trouble with transitions sometimes), but _I_ found it irritating, so perhaps it's irritating her, too.

Oh, one last thing: I was picking up MORE this week than usual, even though Fi was helping put her dirty laundry away (and doing so quite well), using "as soon as" or direct requests or questions about where the clothes belong. I resisted for at least 5 days, but with the chaos of a DIY hearth project going on at the same time, we DID need space to walk. I think it's more because she's suddenly able to try on different outfits by herself.

Future: I had the suggestion to put more clothes where she can reach them so she can pick out her own outfits. I did this a little, putting some pants and shirts in a low shelf, and she LOVED it. But I didn't do it consistently - too much trouble! Would like to put a low hanging rod to hang some clothes on - that would make putting stuff down there easier, and she could learn about how to hang clothes and how to take them off. (The chest of drawers we have is too hard to open.)

One of the gifts...

One of the gifts I feel like I've gotten from this process is not to take things personally. Today Fi was being cranky and demanding about precisely what she wanted, and she chose to step out of the room. I went to check on her, and sat with her for a bit then told her I loved her (for no particular reason), and she told me she loved me back. i stepped away, and in a little while she came back in and joined us and was able to accept the offer we'd given her (strawberry jelly on her homemade croissant (!!) rather than licked off the knife). I so admire that both she and I can say that to each other when we're at odds with each other, and from an honest place - she felt so mature at that moment. The moment's disagreement and the fact that we cared for each other were separate issues.

Now to decide what boundaries I want to set about her staying with me when we're shopping or out on a walk/hike... She can be really good, agreeing to go with me on a hike to visit my friends (not her favorite thing), then going back the way we just came (!!) to see if other friends ad arrived, when all along she really wanted to go play in the water on this 90 degree day. After those probably interminable 20-30 minutes, she was no longer willing to follow down the grassy path when the sandy path looked so much faster...and we ended up following her (she was fast!). It was a reasonable choice for her, though the grassy path is a better choice for me 'cause I can let our reactive/unpredictable poodle wander off leash more safely on the latter. In retrospect, she had been really patient, and it seems a reasonable choice both for her to ask for and for us to agree with. Along the way to my favorite water access (not too steep/dangerous), there were several points of access to the water (steep and/or dangerous!) that Fi recognized and requested to follow - when I told her no, all times she reluctantly agreed. And then, we got to the GREAT water access and had a fabulous time. Hurrah! In retrospect, she was incredibly reasonable, and I'm grateful not only for that but for this chance to recognize it in review.

hope all are well out there.

Parenting with Courage

That was a recent topic on momtv. It was sortof about being willing to commit to our choices as parents without having to be completely right, being willing to commit to choices that are true for us as people ("because this helps me be a better parent," "because this is important to me," "because this is the schedule I need us to have today."). At least, that's the gist I got.

And it's been pretty freeing - I hadn't realized how often my personal choices were based on things I'd read, or logical steps I made in my mind about what would be "best" for my child. But in retrospect, the choices we made as parents that were based on what we needed (ex, Fiora's bedtime and her own bed space determined by my husband's need for structure and a quiet bed) have been some of the best (though who knows, maybe that's part of her reluctance to sleep many nights? ;) ). Perhaps more accurate would be to say that those choices were the easiest to follow through with and be consistent about, and often felt the best, on some deep level.

After the topic was discussed, i didn't really think it would affect me too much. But in fact, I'm finding myself making certain decisions that affect Fiora more from my gut and heart, and I can tell how it's easier for her to read me and respond honestly compared to times that I'm waffling about! Wish I had stories to tell, but they're hard to tell...I'm probably saying exactly the same things (about how many times we'll read a book tonight, or what we're eating for dinner, etc.), but I can feel that I'm saying them differently, esp with body language. Anyway, it feels good, and I don't want to forget, so I'm writing it here. nothing like writing things to help solidify them in my life.

Finally - using money!

I'm sure her father and I were looking forward to her first use of money more than Fiora was! We got her a piggy bank for Christmas last year (it comes apart too easily, so it hasn't really served its intended purpose!), a tiny purse for a car trip last summer (cute, but ends up being too hard for her to open easily), and then finally this past weekend I got her a little zip-up purse like the one I use - she was so excited! I think this one is going to work. (She'd already honed her skills on my own purse, so no problems opening or closing this one.) Then...I cheated. Showed her how to put money in her purse, picked a place for it to stay so "we'd" know where it was. Today Fiora said she wanted to use her money to go buy chocolate ice cream. I wanted to get ice cream anyway so we could have family meeting tonight, so voila. We ended up in the car, she brought her purse with her (!), and we went to the farmers market where she insisted on buying raspberries (love it!) - with the caveat that raspberries cost more than she had, I did an oops...allowed her to pay a dollar because she REALLY wanted to (and I love her getting raspberries), and I paid for the rest. (She ate most of the raspberries, though she did share. And told me I should get my own raspberries!)

Then we went to get ice cream, only she saw chocolates that she's wanted to buy every time we go shopping, and she was very excited that "I have money today, momma!!" So, she got chocolate, and we went halvies on the ice cream.

In retrospect, I'm okay with the raspberries (wish I'd had my own basket, though, that was a good suggestion), but should've bought the ice cream on my own. Harder to define ownership of said ice cream, though she hasn't complained.

And had our best ever family meetings - Fiora ALMOST gave an appreciation. She spread her arms wide and said "my mama, my baba!" We'll take it! ;) And didn't try to leave the table at all. Even put her (crumpled) money in her purse on her own (with some suggestions).

So, _I'll_ get better with helping her with money as we go, but she did great today!

End of month review

There was an interesting forum about sibling rivalry which I enjoyed, but since we've only the one daughter i haven't had to really deal with any. Fi's biggest issue right now is that she loves assigning different objects (even different slices of the pizza!) to different people, and gets upset if her assignments are changed, though she doesn't mind it if she changes them! I've been going along with her, like a game, but I'm thinking sometimes it might be better if I acknowledge her effort and point out that people can pick whichever piece of pizza they like! And sharing stuff she really likes and thinks is hers...but that seems pretty natural.

My biggest breakthrough recently has been really learning to be encouraging with myself. I used to have such roller-coaster emotions after noticing something we, as a family, were doing well, I just thought I had to get used to the ride! Hearing another mom describe something similar, I immediately thought, "You need to be encouraging with yourself!" Naturally, after that, I realized I had to walk the walk (yet again!). And it's SO COOL to have permission to be encouraging with myself. As I understand it better, I notice more and more when the environments I enter or see are encouraging or are not, and as I talk about it and my understanding flavors my conversation, Brian is noticing it more, too. It's so neat.

Okay, there's another biggest breakthrough, which is that as I've been encouraging Fiora to trust herself, I've finally started opening up to trusting myself. This resulted in a big conversation (no details) where I was willing to trust the things I was feeling, even when sometimes they might be a little contradictory, and have a deeper, more articulate, and more satisfying conversation on this topic than I've ever had before. Pretty amazing.

I feel like as these awarenesses start to click for me, it's more natural and easy to approach Fiora (and other kids and people) with the respect they all deserve, and it FEELS good. I think starting to learn to trust myself is also really helping my ability to connect, with Fiora and the dogs and my patients, and that's been great, too.

Kindof wish I had more stories of Fiora and the family, but this is truly the guts of the month. Hope you are all well!

Love encouragement

Tonight Fi wanted to eat outside, so we took our pesto sandwiches and water out to the deck - usually this is a lovely thing, awakening me to the beauty all around us in our yard and the sky, especially as the land falls away steeply from our deck. Tonight, however, Fiora was the show! Talking, standing on one leg, deciding she wanted to go get her piece of bread which I left on the kitchen counter. So off she goes, only to get distracted by the play horse in the yard. Which is fine, only we have this rule, that once you leave the table you're done with the meal. She asks for permission for meal-related excursions (to get her fork, or some food or drink), and gets it usually, so that's the exception. Anyway, playing means she's done.

So Bri told her that since she was playing, that must mean she was done. She continued playing, then came to the table crying that she wanted to eat her sandwich. It near to broke my heart, her crying today, there was something so distraught about it (and we belatedly realized that her emotional reactions to everything might be a reflection of some big sadness at her daycare family). I didn't want to break the rules, but I could sense something really upset in her that I needed to honor - offered her some water, some soy milk - didn't want them. And then some encouragement - I told her, "The rule is that if you leave the table to play, that means you're done. And we know you can sit at the table for a meal and share our meal with us, you've done it lots of times." Not snide, not judging, not frustrated, but really wanting to encourage her. Bri pitched right in, confirming this observation.

And you know what? When nothing else would settle her, this affirmation of her capability in the face of conflict is what settled her down. It felt so good to have that option.

Not a Good Day, but still Reasons to Celebrate

Fi was cranky, I was cranky. But I was just able to hang on to the vision enough to make some super critical differences in our day, and I'm really really proud of that.

(1) I wanted to take the dogs for a day walk/hike today (they didn't get to go to the blueberry fields with us on Saturday), and usually it's best to do that early in the day before it's hot, before lunch time, before naptime. But yesterday when I proposed going for a walk, Fiora erupted, she wanted to keep drawing. I at least knew how much I hated getting into anger-vibes with her, so I sat still for long enough to realize that I didn't really want to take her on the walk today (too likely to have fusses and for me to get frustrated) and to realize I could walk the dogs during her nap. This, I must say, was a great solution. quiet time at home for cranky people meant less stress and fuss, no child on the walk means we made it all the way to the end of the Reservoir path for the first time in ages AND got to the experience the beauty of the exposed reservoir "beaches" due to how low the water was.

(2) I took Fiora to a work cookout yesterday. At least, what I thought was a work cookout. Only, I got the wrong day. Now, usually, driving 40 minutes on a day I didn't feel like driving, making fresh bread specially for the event, I would've been so pissed off at myself. But after the recent post about buttons, including the one about getting lost (I happened to get lost, too), I found myself able to make the decision that, hey, I made a mistake, wasn't the end of the world, no need to self flagellate and make myself and Fi miserable...and instead we chowed down on fresh bread in the car on the ride home which was FABULOUS, and ate fistfuls of wild blueberries - it was like a car party! That was just amazing...such a blessing to be able to side-step that old trap....ahhhhhhh!

Love Parenting on Track!

Rollercoaster of life

Not externally - life is actually getting more reliable externally. But internally.

Today Fiora and I were not good with each other. My choice-making (what is my goal today? To sleep, which wasn't going to happen, or to have a good relationship with my daughter?), so well used on Wed, seemed to have run out when head-to-head with exhaustion, on both our parts. I couldn't even figure out how to engage in choice making today!! And yet...I mean, I acknowledge the reality of that, it's life sometimes, it gets away from us....and yet....I think I could've found the way to make the choice. Or next time, I could. It's just harder than I realized...and I feel it much more intensely in my heart, and I'm often not willing to go there...yet.

Anyway, on a less esoteric level, talked to my college roommate tonight, and during the conversation realized i knew a few more things about Fiora when she's tired and cranky. (cool) We already knew that (1) she has more trouble with transitions (so we try to prep her a bit more, when we're being savvy and she's tired/sick); (2) she wants to nibble more (hmmmm, that one was going to drive me crazy, but know what? I just realized the same thing about myself this week!!! So, guess I better figure out how to deal with it on my level before I pretend I can give any assistance there!!), rather than eating; (3) she is more absolute about what she wants, less able to be flexible, and really crashes hard if she doesnt get it - though I've stopped doing as much verbal acknowledgment of what she wants, maybe I should start doing that again - at least it's not arguing!

Ah, love our little girl. Took her blueberry picking two hours away in Massachusetts today, it was so beautiful. And, cool observation of the day for Capable Girl: we got home from our CSA this morning, and Fi was singing in the car showing no signs of getting out after I unbuckled her. So, I told her I'd be in the house, took the groceries, and in I went. A few minutes later, I heard the basement door shut solidly - she had gotten out of the car, closed the car door, let herself into the house, and shut the door behind her - hurrah!!!

And tonight, I gave mental thanks to blogger Lori and ? (can't remember who posted about the clocks made of old vinyl records??), because Fiora was playing with her toys when we usually read a book before bed...and Lori's stories of her bedtime with A made it easy for me to ask Fiora if she wanted to play or read. She wanted to play. I told her bedtime would be when the big clock hand pointed to the 5 (showed that to her), and I read the book aloud, and it was so chill and nice. And right before the clock hand was at 5, Fiora was In Charge, deciding where she would sleep - so funny and cute AND capable!! Thanks, y'all, for the astoundingly valuable support AND for the great ideas!!

Proud Mama

Today was a great day. Much better than it had any right to be.

First off, we were starting from a night where I spent one hour sleeping in my bed after a day filled with pain (nasty virus, sore in all my joints) and at work; then 6 slightly broken hours in Fiora's toddler bed after she fell out of bed and could not be comforted. Secondly, I was (and still am) recovering from that nasty virus.

But the good news? I'd just written a post that touched on dealing with days when I feel tired and sick. So I was ready.

And I made myself proud. Woke up, felt the tug towards the habitual self-pity and mild resentment of others who don't have it as bad as I do right now (ie, beloved spouse, possibly child and pets), recognized that it was not terrifically enjoyable or useful behavior, and decided to make a choice about my goal for today. (That's where the resistance was.) I chose that my vision, my goal for today was to build my relationship with Fiora.

And the whole day lightened. I was SO MUCH less stressed than I typically am on a day like today, even though I'd think that my primary goal was the one I just typed and chose! In reality, on deeper investigation, it was more like "don't feel bad," and negative goals just don't work anyway. Had to reconfirm to this goal once when I started feeling really exhausted...but when I did, the exhaustion passed, and didn't return....

Did I get as much done as I would on a day filled with plans? Probably not - no hook picked up for the hammock; no pickles or zucchini bread made; no laundry done; no house-cleaning performed.

But on the other hand - after 3 years at our house, Fiora and I found a place to hang the hammock; Fiora helped blow up her first clown-style balloon, and worked with her first batch of clay; I prioritized in a way that allowed me to eat a freshly grilled (and delicious!) lunch with my husband; during Fiora's nap, I wasn't exhausted, and I ended up weeding the garden...and it wasn't even a chore, just something I felt like doing on a lovely day; we went to see dog-owner friends at the local off-leash park (which I hadn't been to in at least 8 months) where the dogs had a ball and Fiora waded deeper than I've ever seen her go and I got to see old friends; and we followed that by a trip to the local lake-beach, at Fiora's insistence, where instead of going in the lake, swimsuit-clad Fiora led us through some forest trails. Such good adventures, such a lovely day....

And intermittently through the day, Fiora lit up when she had chances to be capable. Made up her own song while clearing the breakfast table, took the initiative to throw away the empty soy milk container, almost beat me to putting my own dish away! Insisted her father not help her get rags to clean up her spilt milk at dinner. And (loved this!) washed a whole sink full of dishes while I was prepping dinner! Used soap and rinsed - I've NEVER seen her so intent and full of purpose. No one asked, she just dragged her stool over and started up. :)

So, while I fear that I may take advantage of the blog to post every little thing Fiora does that amazes me...it's such fun to do it!!! I think I don't hear enough of these stories! Though perhaps I'll put a warning like "proud mama moment" or "Celebration" on them....! All the best to everyone.

Hurrah, more Buttons to Explore!

Well, I'm not officially assessing Buttons at this time, but some other Parenting on Track moms are, and some buttons have come to my attention that really begged for digging deeper (love that about Buttons), so here we are.

A: Getting lost - yes, physically lost, as when driving the car or walking in the state park.
B: If I don't have outside direction, there is nothing remaining for me to turn to. I have no internal compass, nothing internally to rely on that will actually work.
C: Hence, I get pretty unstrung, irritable, poor direction, whining, wanting to be rescued (and yet reluctant to ask others for help) - ooh, I'm a rotten person to be around!!
D: Perhaps...I do have an internal compass, I'm just not used to tuning in to it or listening to it or trusting it, or trusting that I can be okay without external guidance.
Perhaps...it's okay to be exploring sometimes as an experience, without knowing where I'm going.
Perhaps...getting lost doesn't reflect on my worth as a person so much as it reflects my familiarity with the territory.
And perhaps...other people don't judge me harshly just because I got lost. Perhaps I'm not so much letting others down as sharing the experience of life.
E: Can't remember what this is supposed to be....ah, encourage myself, this CAN happen.

This reminds me of my previous button about losing things. Definitely a button. I've gotten a lot better about being able to focus on finding things when I lose them, and much much better at actually finding them - such a joy, just with the dissection of the belief that losing things was so bad! And such a joy to see Fiora use our games to try to find things when she doesn't know where they are. :)



A: When I'm sick and/or tired, it's hard to have a strong vision or follow the roadmap. I'm kindof proud of being self-aware enough that I've been noticing how much being sick or tired affects my attitudes, my generosity, my patience, etc. And yet, it seems like time to move beyond this.
B: When I'm sick and/or tired, I don't have the energy to find my roadmap, to offer my best to those around me. In fact, the energy/vibe that I do have is pretty bad and not the sort that I want to be sharing around by connecting well...and when I try, and I'm honest, I end up asking for help and support, and i don't want to do that too much (being an adult who grew up in a sick household, that can definitely happen too often; on the other hand, I like to be honest and Fiora loves helping me out in appropriate ways - bringing a glass of water - so I tend to think that doing that somewhat is fine, as long as I'm aware of what's happening and don't do it too much)
C: I'm either stoic and withdrawn (which Fiora hates!) or I'm whiny all day. Hate to model either for my child.
Okay, to be honest, sometimes I'm also still patient and creative, sometimes my MOST patient and creative. But it's inconsistent.
D: Even when I'm sick and/or tired, I still have good habits to fall back on, and Fiora has great habits to fall back on, she proves this over and over again. The more I apply myself to finding how to parent well from myself, the easier those habits will be to find even when sick and/or tired.
And, drawing from Maya Frost's blog (http://www.mayafrost.com/blog/2010/07/13/why-i-stopped-blogging-about-education/), it's quite possible that I've been living in the American model where the ACTUAL belief to consider dealing with is the belief that being busy and occupied is the secret to validation and worth and doing things "right". Creating more exhaustion and illness. This has been a niggling concern of mine, really brought to the front by her post (which Vicki's blog at http://www.parentingontrack.com/parenting-strategies/shifting-perspectives/ alerted me to). I remember being a little girl and refusing to get drawn into summer schools and the like because I wanted time to just drift in the backyard, hang out with the dogs, take in the day. I like Maya's point about slowing down enough to know what we want to do and what balance we want to strike; what responsibilities we really want to take on and which ones aren't important enough to superceed the living of life with attention.
When I'm sick/tired, it's worth spending the little extra time and energy to decide what I want my direction to be for the day.
E: I'm sure I'll have another chance to work on this, so go for it!

And, working from the idea that perhaps I create some of the exhaustion (rather than "life" creating it):
A: Having free time, with nothing scheduled.
B: Having free time is a sign that I'm not being productive. Not being productive means I'm worthless. I like Maya Frost's statement that Americans tend to proudly "wear the 'exhaustion' word like a badge of honor.... We use exhaustion as our way to claim that we are busy and therefore doing all the things that lead to success and happiness."
But also (sometimes valid), not having some sort of plan means our day tends to get bogged down and our relationship bogs down, too
C: I like having a plan for the day, a map for the park, a goal. Without that, I tend to get kindof antsy and neurotic, dare I say whiny? Because I can't figure out what to do, can't decide what's important to do, can't prioritize doing something.
D: Perhaps it's not so much about the plans every day as it is about having a Vision or a Goal for the day, and letting that lead us to certain places and choices
Perhaps free time lets our souls expand in ways that being busy doesn't....and helps us be better people, kindof like meditation does for me.
E: I can practice having visions or goals for my days rather than intense plans. Or even keeping my planning down to half a day.

As an add-on to this: I was thinking about this, and realized that on days that I'm sick and I have to go to work, i really DO find my vision at work, and it really keeps me going through the day in a good mindset. I worry a bit that I'm tapping out resources that need to work on helping me recover from my illness or exhaustion, but on the other hand, I think I end up the day feeling generally better about myself than on days that I wallow in the sense of exhaustion and illness. And I do have to find my "Vision" - I have my plan mapped out a day or two before the work day, but that's not enough to get me through the day.

Uninvested Mom

Dang, what happened today? Am I going through a transition of my own? Moody moody moody, watched myself model poor behaviors and had no clue what else to do, the vision was missing. (And boy, was that reflected in how long it took us to get out of the house today - we're NEVER this slow!!)

Granted, I was going on 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't get to sleep last night, and Fiora woke up around 5:30am, and I always wake up about 20' before she comes in the room. That definitely started the day off poorly. And then seeing Fiora wandering the house with dry cereal, and myself reling on The Wiggles to get a bit of rest in the hopes that I would be a better person for the day, actually just made me worse about the start of the day, know what I mean? I wish I could've stopped, apologized to everyone (husband, daughter, dogs), eaten ice cream in the morning and not felt bad about it, and moved on with a better goal.

I think my goal all day was just to not feel crappy. Bad goal. I did my best when I turned my goal to "clean kitchen sink," "make dinner and zucchini bread." Goals of small vision compared to "build good relationship with daughter," but enough to get my head out of its dark place, apparently. "Walk in woods with daughter and dogs" - too bad I forgot to check the map of the park so I wouldn't get lost, creating a thirsty, tired mom and child, though we did see a lot of awesome forest and the dogs were thrilled to be outside hiking for so long and Fiora really got to show me both that she knew her new shoes weren't for walking in the water with and that she could get them on and off with just a little help (requested) - ooh, discovering another Button of Getting Lost.

Goddess, just writing those few things changed my whole memory-mood for the day!! Let me riff on that and mention that Fiora did also get the orange juice out of the fridge on her own when she decided she wanted some juice this morning with breakfast, realized she couldn't pour it and brought the whole heavy thing right to me with the request for assistance - how could I not have been impressed with that? And she put more dirty dishes onto the counter or sink than I've ever seen her do before in a single day. And when she wanted to take a nap with me in the "big bed," I said okay as long as she could stay quiet (since big bed is often a playground for Fiora!), and she actually achieved that for a long time for her - never did that before - and then when she got restless, she got up quietly and went into her own room! Only ten minutes or so later did she come and loom over me with a big grin (and yes, she can loom, we have no bedframe at the moment). Even then, she waited for my eyes to open before whispering to me! How considerate SHE was all day! Even after I said "yes, I thought I was awake", she still gave me a kiss - which is my request for how she can wake me up, and I love it.

Capable Girl

Wow, feels like the last few days things have really fallen together.

Tonight at dinner, I piped up about helping Bri set the table (he was cooking). He did the plates, I was getting drinks, and Fiora was excited about dinner and got herself a fork. I asked her if she would get forks for us, and then Bri repeated the question (when she seemed distracted), and she said "Yes!" and proceeded to get us some fabulous spoons. I love how proud she was, and how intent on the feat she was doing for us. She pointed it out to me, and I said, "Great! now how about some forks?" "Ohhhh..." and she proceeded to get us some forks, too. I was so impressed with her ability to help us. Brian tried to correct her early on (spoons versus forks), and it might have worked if he hadn't been so tired and a little edgy - as it was, she chose to ignore him, and it worked out fine. In fact, she tried eating her pasta with a big spoon (and presumably discovered how difficult it was - we'll see if she gets spoons again next time).

She also chose to join us for blessing...it used to "push my buttons" a little that she didn't want to join us, to hold hands, but I've been able to let that go more and include her (in my heart) in the blessings anyway, and yet it was such fun to have her join us.

We're just getting better together. Tonight she wanted to play with my Lush face cleaner, and instead of getting frustrated about noodling, I said we could do that after brushing our teeth. And I meant it. We had a good time playing and cleaning our skin for a big 5 minutes. I even wet towels for her to rinse herself off with, and restrained myself from helping for a little while - she mentioned how she cleaned herself off - again, proud of how capable she is! We both are.

Tonight she showed me two things I hadn't realized: she found our yummy and newly ripe cherry tomatoes in the garden (and proceeded to gobble them up - and just 6 months ago she wouldn't eat a tomato!); and there's a hole in the bottom of our food processor pusher-bit. Who knew? This last she discovered when she insisted on helping to wash dishes after dinner! I was so enjoying her help at setting the table that I let her help wash - even though it was past her bedtime pretty seriously. Again, we had a good time. She voluntarily brought her plate in the from the dining room table (never done that - we only ask at breakfast as a rule) - I knew it was going to be a mess (plate full of spaghetti with pesto and the water she poured on it), which it was in two locations - one I put a towel on, the other I handed her a towel for, and we cleaned up. It was okay. The plate and spaghetti DID make it into the sink!

She really wanted to go back to the garden to pick the tomato plant clean,but I managed to entice her with my argument for checking the tomato plants on the deck. Where we found 2 more - whoo hoo! (Especially the black cherry tomato, I've been waiting for that one!!) However, her desires were clear to her, and she ended up going BACK out front to the garden and picking that tomato plant clean after all. DH was a bit irritable with her, but I hadn't told her she couldn't do that, I'd just distracted her, so I couldn't be angry at her. And she did eat them all!

Tonight we snuggled and she told me about her day (mixed up with the story I'd just read her). When I moved to leave, she asked me to stay, and I ended up giving her a big hug and telling her I love her...and then remembering the Four Big C's, I told her how much she counts, and I was able to really mean it with all my heart (for at least a few seconds)...she gave a big sigh, and rolled over, ready to sleep on her own

Some days are so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Thanks Vicki as always for helping us find our way here.

Observations..and Being a Toddler

I was walking the dogs tonight, after reading some PonT blogs (always inspiring to me). And my big dog, Nimbletoes, was pulling some, so I did a correction that has slowly been allowing him to decide to choose some things other than pulling. And I realized something. I have more power than I sometimes think. When I make that correction from a place of irritation (a stronger correction, undoubtably), i swear that he pulls more. When I make that same physical move from a place of desire to communicate, without any judgment on his speed of learning or his willingness to place my desires over his own, I swear he responds more creatively and more sensitively (over the ongoing course of the walk). Not to mention that I feel more connected with him and our surrounding world at the same time.

It puts me in mind of something else. This morning Fiora and I were getting ready to take the trash to the transit station. I made the observation that she would need some shoes before we left. It wasn't nagging, and it didn't feel like interfering, just an observation. I didn't really expect it to do anything but perhaps make the future shoe-finding more focused. Tossed some trash in the car, fussed with it a bit, and turned around...to find Fiora had gone inside, found her boots, put them on, and come back outside. So capable, this girl. :) I gotta say, she wowed me a bit. And I was a bit unsure whether to celebrate or to graciously accept her feat - the latter came more naturally to the moment, so I did that, but I swear she had a spring in her step all the same! Being capable makes her feel so big.

And here's a biggie: Fiora is teaching me SO MUCH about myself. I am a toddler at heart.

Food texture aversion? Check - bokchoy and dark green that aren't cooked to death are too fibrous which makes them YUCKY; slimy okra, of course, could make me vomit, as can eggplant seeds; and a non-crispy apple or soft toast? What's the point?

Difficulty leaving the house? Check - prior to Fiora, my trick was to move fast - grab the wallet and the keys and I'm out of the house. If I didn't do that, I would (what else?) noodle! Yep, find things to distract me...there was something comforting about not HAVING to leave, about beating the clock by messing about, about avoiding feeling (here's something key I just realized) EXTERNAL pressure to move. It was torture my first baby-year, slowing down and training myself to pack a whole diaper bag and check a diaper before I left the house. But that training of myself has made me much better about checking in with MYSELF about my priorities before leaving the house, and I'm a lot better about bringing the right stuff with me now and about managing my time. That external pressure? Well, leftover from not learning to depend upon myself for direction and choices as a child, I suppose - so glad to be doing PonT for Fiora (and us).

Fighting external authority? Check - I couldn't even bear to have a timer or a clock for our child, it made me feel so tense to have something outside ourselves telling us what to do. Again, something has shifted about that. I just bought a clock (as recommended on another blogger's post!), and it arrived today and I'm excited to show Fiora what bedtime and awake time look like (though it may take her a while to learn to tell time, I realize!).

Trouble with transitions? Check - I used to throw mini-tantrums when my parents told me it was time for a bath! Not that I didn't like baths. I liked baths a lot. But I couldn't bear to leave whatever it was that I was doing (often reading). This was such a big deal that often my diary entries would consist of "I HATE BATHS!" over and over. Even though I didn't really, once I was in one (in fact, again, I would stay forever rather than make a hasty transition!!). Poor Fiora, Brian also does fairly poorly at transitions....

Trouble going to bed in a timely fashion? Check - until this year, I would literally push myself to stay awake for hours past when I felt tired, reading or on the computer or "noodling" about. When I started to check in, I realized that I felt pretty lousy during those late hours; and when I checked in more, I realized that I felt pretty tense, like Fiora gets when she's up too late (though I find her easier to read than myself!). Who knew? I always thought of "being tired" as when I couldn't read anymore...but that was more like exhausted. No wonder that when I tried to go to bed early I had trouble falling asleep - I was constantly sleep deprived. Finally have myself on a much healthier sleep schedule (though Fiora still dislikes going to bed intensely many nights!).

Tendency to eat too many sweets? Check - the only benefit I've found from that is that I can say out loud how lousy I feel when I eat too many sweets (Bri's homemade cookies are to DIE for...and easy to grab for a snack, sad to say....)...and hopefully fiora will also see me start to eat less and less of them *crossing my fingers*

The excellent thing about this? As I'm learning how many ways I am like a toddler, I'm learning ways to manage those issues (or perhaps shift my attitude towards them), and it's such a win-win thing - helps me with Fiora, and helps plain ol' me!

Percolations and Connection

Don't know what to call this post yet, as it seems the percolation of a couple of processes. Wed was my weekday off, and I was spending the day with Fiora, of course. And I started noticing things. Maybe this was brought on by my revelation about community, so I was looking for things to be a little more connected than I used to believe possible...not sure. But what I started noticing was that even when I thought I was connecting with her, when my brain analyzed and said, "that's a connecting thing to do, to engage with her in conversation, to listen to her stories and ask questions, to tell her stories, to draw with her, to invite her to help with the cooking," there was still a disconnect. Part of what clues me in to this is her response, of course, though it's hard to articulate just what that is...just not melting into me, though she tries to sometimes? Anyway, it was fascinating, and revelatory; uncomfortable, and yet somehow very comforting to be able to sit with a see it...because it gives me hope that we can get somewhere better.

And then just today, driving along, something clicked. Exactly like what happened after I first learned about the 4 Big C's, when I realized I had to allow myself to count before I could really tell my husband/dogs/child that they count to me, I realized that when I'm not connecting well to myself, it's impossible for me to connect well to anyone else.

DAMN, how do I do that? Well, nobody said this was going to be easy....!

That belonging stuff...

I can't quite articulate it, so this post will be way short, but just being aware of how my belief of lack of community was present, I've found myself standing in different places. It's like, I'll be with Fiora or a friend, and suddenly realize I don't feel connected, and that sparks me to remember that belief about lack of community, and that must push me in some way to wonder what it would be like without that, and then a little spark happens...a warm little spark. I quite like it. I don't "own" it, it's not habit, but its happening!

On another note, we had family meeting yesterday...and due to recent family meetings, I thought Fiora would just wonder off. But instead, she ran to get the harmonica to start the meeting! And then she even handed it off to me to play...I don't quite get that from my power girl, but it was great to see how proud she was of taking the initiative to get the music maker! (Makes me glad I forgot!) I'm sure it didn't hurt that (a) we had just finished dinner so we were all three at the table anyway; and (b) I promised ice cream after family meeting for all who stayed. It was great! Fiora got her allowance for the first time in months, I think. (It's now sitting on the cedar chest, completely unloved and unclaimed.)

Thanks again for all the comments on the last post - amazing how that helped me feel a community right here, growing right from what seems like such a big gap in who I am.

Gotta walk the dogs on this hot steamy night, all be well!!

All those C's...or what it feels like to belong...

Not to mention my own baggage...again. I've been realizing lately that I have this belief that I don't have or don't belong to any community. Funny how long it's taken me to realize I have this belief - the blindness of the inner eye. And not realizing how much my beliefs shape how I interact with the world (thank you, Buttons training, for helping me reach this spot). It's obvious where this comes from: I was a kid with a very sick father and with food allergies all my young social life, so the sharing of food and home that helps bind people together were things I had to eschew...plus I felt like my experiences at home weren't something other kids would understand, so I didn't share my stories, either. But again, I hadn't realized that this had translated into a BELIEF until I started living my life with this new found, parenting-on-track fed awareness.

And of course, I really don't want to model for Fiora this beleif in no community. It's kindof funny, looking back, because once she was born I worked really hard to create a community through FCL (Families for Conscious Living), an on-line and very cool state-wide (and beyond, occasionally) parenting group. I would end my days exhausted and still know I needed to get on line and post something so that people would start to know who I was and so I would feel comfortable enough when I met them. So FCL has also been pushing me to this realization. Heck, I think having a CHILD pushes me in this direction.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, besides opening up to wondering what it would be like if I DID believe I have and belong in communities, ones I already feel comfortable in (but perhaps haven't fully claimed) like FCL and friends from the past (via facebook, primarily), and ones that are ripe for joining (like my neighborhood). I'm finding I approach people with a whole different energy when I'm conscious enough to pretend I believe this!

So, yet again, I write more about myself than Fiora, but she is my inspiration, over and over again.

In fact, this arose because I realized that I didn't really feel like I was connecting enough, that I wasn't just sitting and being with her...even being in community with my own family can be challenging!

So, seeing and understanding and accepting is the first step.

DH's Evening: Fiora Stars!

Darling Husband came home tonight with Fiora. He wanted her to take her shoes off before coming upstairs (hurrah! Great idea! But a new concept for her at our house), but she really wanted to wear them (granted, she was hungry and grouchy, or perhaps that makes what follows even more amazing). He said, "If you wear them, we'll have to clean up the living room." And she, who is used to being asked to contribute in little ways, and who is used to being asked questions that we mean, said "okay." Praise be to my husband, he realized he had to stand by his offer, so they came upstairs, where Fiora started clammoring for food. He told her, "We have to clean the living room first." And with no complaining, she took her little broom off the wall; sweep up a little pile; got her dustpan and brush and picked up the pile; threw it away in the garbage; put away her dustpan; and hung up her broom. Then she proceeded to eat some well-earned cherries.

I am floored. Absolutely floored. And beaming with pride inside. (She was long in bed by the time I got home.) I've been dying to show Fiora how to properly sweep, but all I've ever done is modeled this behavior (I don't know if she was trained at all at daycare) and gotten her tools so I can invite her to join me. She is amazing, and my husband was amazing to do all the right things that allowed her to make her own discovery about cleaning and choices.

Did I meantion "x" about "yes, as soon as"

I mean, how encouraging it is to have that simple tool!! (that's the "x" alluded to in the title.)

I've been getting frustrated that Fiora is slowly destorying our CDs, DVDs, and CD/DVD drives. I kindof assumed DH would be the one in charge of protecting those, as he's the one who has the most, but he completely hasn't (perhaps taking the lead from me, because I hadn't mentioned I'd given it up? Who knows). So today, when Fi started playing with the new external harddrive we bought after the CD/DVD drives in both of our computers failed (hmmmm.....), I was definitely button-like: "No! Don't touch that!" (anymore)

I didn't like the sound of my own voice, the feel of my own body language, so I tried to adapt. "Okay, Fiora...you can touch the CD discs, but first you need to show me you know how to take care of them. Mama didn't realize how fragile they are, and we need to start over." I don't know how much sense that made, but Fiora proceeded to ask me if she could see a CD 10-20 minutes later, and so I proceeded to make sure her hands were clean and then show her a few ways to handle a CD without damaging it. She paid a lot of attention - she's pretty motivated about this.

Anyway, it was really nice to have an option besides "You can't handle that!" To have an option that said, I'd like you to be able to do this, and I trust you can, but there's some learning that needs to happen first. It's up to you. And it was also really nice to see how responsive she was, and how doing it this way did't hurt any feelings, know what I mean?

The joy of "Yes, as soon as...."

So, four months into PoT (make that five), Fiora is starting to voluntarily put her breakfast dish at the kitchen sink after breakfast. Cool! Patience pays off, and I'm not using nagging AT ALL, which is such a joy. On the downside of this, she's watching videos many mornings because that's so reliably something she asks for! (and hence allows the use of "yes, as soon as...").

Another milestone: Fiora has started telling us she's sleepy sometimes, and will allow us to leave before reading the book 3 times if she's sleepy (ie, no tantrums) - we both honor her by asking if she wants to keep the book in bed or have us put it away, and she gets her choice there. We also count "one, two, three!" with her as we put out the light, and that little routine seems to help her, too. The biggest thing, I have to say, has been what all the experts say: having a bedtime routine. She LOVES yelling out what we'll start with (brushing teeth!), or pjs, or book - she really does find power in the routine.

Also, I've been getting a little frustrated that she's in and out of the kitchen pantries, cuboards, and refrigerator at LOT. Just yesterday, though, I was wondering what it is that she's enjoying the most these days. It used to be coloring was her passion. Now...I'm just starting to realize that its story-telling (getting so much more vocal and rambling, and of course difficult to follow at this stage!) and kitchen-play. So...when she started bringing dirt in various tupperware and dishes inside (through the dog door) tonight, I slowly came up with a plan. "You need an outside kitchen! Wait here, I'll be right back!" And I brought up an old crate I'd bought at the Junk Shop in town (just because it was old and cool, though it hasn't had a job at our house until now), plunked it down outside so the top faced forward and made a "shelf" space, and said, "Now you have an outside kitchen where you can play with dirt!"

At first she wasn't quite sure, but then her father popped by and asked, "Hey, Fiora, is that your outside kitchen?" and that prompted a quick "Yes!" She stocked it full of breakfast dishes and toy pans, and we were all happy. I LOVE win-win solutions.

Next problem: While there's a part of me that admires the creativity involved when one plays with one's food at the dinner table, I find it distracting from the business of eating and enjoying food and conversation and company. This may be more like those problems that get listed during the week and by the weekend they're not really problems anymore. Fiora doesn't really play with her food for long before we start asking if she's done, and then she'll announce that she's done and down she goes!

Other next problem: I don't like it when our food gets used as play items; I believe it is wasteful, and I don't like cleaning it up if it gets left out, and I don't like some foods getting stale, and I worry about bugs getting into the jars. Fiora is getting into my click-top glass jars with nuts, lentils, and raisins. She can open them now, which is fun, and she loves to play with the foods and sometimes eat them. I haven't made a rule about these, I've been really ambiguous about it (why, I don't know! guilt about suppressing child-creativity????). I'm thinking I would be willing to give her a small glass jar of her own, as long as she is careful with it (it would need to stay inside where we could clean it up if it broke), but our food jars are off limits. And I'm also thinking that I need to involve her in making breakfast (like when I make eggs, or pancakes) and lunch (not a frequent thing due to work) and dinner (though this has to be fast most nights so she can get to bed, which may work against us). Gods, I love writing this stuff out!

Ah, THERE's the rabbit hole!

My perfect recipe for a rabbit hole day: slightly sick child (she has the chicken pox, it hardly shows except she is very difficult to talk to and is more stubborn, like transitions are even harder than they normally are....but not sick enough that it stirs all my motherly sympathy, you know?) + sleep-deprived mother + no one else around (husband away at family event, no visitors due to chicken pox). I still try teasing her to get cooperation, but I find that when she's, what's it called, noodling, BAM! I become a bitchy dictator.

More later, Kiki is on...and I'm crying about it! What a strange day....

[Later] Okay, funny, but perhaps it was the posting, but I've been looking back at the day and there are two big revelations:

(1) I really recognize the difference between an encouraging household and one that's not now. Because I had SEVERAL episodes today where I was essentially saying "Look what you did! What a disaster, I can't believe you screwed up/are screwing up like this!" I mean, I might say some of that stuff normally, like "The room is a real mess now," but today I was really being judgmental. And it did NOT feel good, and I did NOT like the message I was sending. On the positive side, I had had ambiguity about whether I was creating an encouraging household, and now I'm much more confident that I usually am!

(2) Fiora did some really great things today, despite having the pox and having a cranky mama. We went into the front garden to pick strawberries in the afternoon, and I got pissed off that she STILL hadn't figured out that non-red strawberries are sour and that she wasn't listening to my well-earned wisdom that if you pick non-red strawberries you'll end up with fewer ripe sweet ones tomorrow. Despite me blowing my top (back to my button about feeling like someone's not listening to me), I kindof turned things around by deciding to do something I actually WANTED to do instead of watching her pick strawberries that I really wanted to become juicy red strawberries (which wask useless behavior on my part), so I started cleaning all the debris off the garden steps, and then discovered I could use it as mulch in a weedy part of the garden. Cool! I even invited Fiora to help me, and she did (once), and after that she played on her own up at the top path in our front garden...which is actually a big achievement, since previously she often took the steps down the driveway which resulted in both of us going inside (being in the front garden was contingent on not going into the driveway without an adult).

Soon after, she invited ME into the driveway (there are a few strawberries there), which was nicely done. And there, instead of trying to go for a walk in the neighborhood (which I often don't want to do), she wandered onto the lawn on the other side of the driveway (never has she made such a choice before). I really appreciated that, we kindof wandered there and I started weeding (looking back, I'm proud of having the flexibility to do gardening work wherever she was instead of getting stuck somewhere on some particular task!). Then she wanted to get in the Fit (car), which she loves wandering in, so I let her get in. She took off her diaper there, and I said that was okay (it was wet), but I left one door open and asked her to let me know if she needed to go potty. A few minutes later, I look up from weeding and she's standing next to that door and not moving - turns out, she's pooping on the driveway! At the time, I was kindof angry because I had to clean up all this messy poop on the driveway, and she hadn't let me know it was happening...but in retrospect, she had listened to me request her using that door if she needed to potty, and had done what she had to do. (It was a messy poop, and I suspect some urgency!)

So, anyway, lots of good stuff going on, too, and most of that I can link back to good habits I've been working on this year via PoT. I'm really proud of not tuning out, even though I really wanted to several times, and I think Fiora rewarded me for that.

Back on track, and percolating thoughts

Great to have Vicki on momtv tonight, after a 2 week hiatus (vacation last week, frozen connection the week before). Ahhhhhh.......

First, I have to say, I am so grateful to my husband for being such a participant in this. He is here for every single appearance of Vicki on momtv, and while his head always pops up when Vicki commands, "Stop multitasking and really listen right now!" (because he's blogging, or doing computer work, most nights), he does listen and comment. And he wants to know when I'm typing comments into the chat room. And I just love that he's an active part of this way of parenting in our family.

So, tonight we learned about permissive parenting styles, and I thought I was pretty totally permissive, but I only had one tick mark on the entire list for signs of permissive parenting. That was a real surprise. When I reviewed the list, I realized that without the training from PoT over the past 6 months, I might've gone down some of the paths of permissive parenting, but I'm much happier not being there (I would've done so out of a sense of guilt, I think). Anyway, the one thing I do permit is for Fiora to climb from her chair to mine after she's finished eating dinner. She picks at my food sometimes, or offers me food. As long as I'm near the end of my meal, I don't mind, because I haven't had much physical contact with her all day while I was work, and it gives us an excuse to snuggle before bedtime. If I'm still actively eating, often Bri has finished and he'll invite her to sit with him, so it's working out for now. Now, of course, I'm anticipating articulating some of that to Fi.

Although I missed the discussion on authoritarian parenting (hm, I could still watch the archive! Must do that!), I'm realizing that Fi totally calls me out when I'm being authoritarian and absolutist. She freaks out, gets angry, and it makes me review what I was doing. Then I try another approach and, generally, it works. She's such a great teacher! Of course, she also does that for rules and boundaries which we deliberately set (bedtime is still the biggest trigger), but she'll set her anger aside after a while.

On the topic of messy, thinking children, I was encouraging Fiora to find ways to express her anger safely the other day (because another kid made her scared). So...she's been practicing roaring like a lion! It's so amusing, when we make her angry lately (time to go to bed, time to stop playing with that toy because we have to leave), she roars at us! And I can say, "Wow, you're really feeling angry about having to interrupt that game." And she really seems to appreciate her anger being heard. And you know what else? It SO fits our family style! When she was younger, and I would get totally overwhelmed with stuff, I would just yell out! Then I'd tell her I was okay, just angry for a moment, and we'd go on. I'd almost forgotten about that (life has been better recently).

One permissive thing I do: I help her look for her binky, or even find it for her. But only if she's tired or sick. If she's bright, I encourage her to find it, and she often does. If she's frustrated, I offer some ideas of where to look and wait a while (while she goes to look) before I help her. It's transitional-permissive. :)

I could've gotten stuck with the clothes issue. I LOVe letting her pick out her clothes, regardless of weather or plans. But there were moments when I'd pick something out for her, or offer some suggestions that were rejected, when I was dangerously close to being angry over...what? PoT guidelines kicked those emotions in the butt and quick, and thanks for that. Most of the time, she actually lets me pick her clothes, and I enjoy that, but my favorite moments are when she picks her own random stuff!

And just a note: going out to the car had some signs of becoming a contested event. But it still goes really smoothly. There were a few weeks when she adored going in by the driver's side door and wandering around the the car on her own (emergency brake in place, of course!). And when we had time, I'd let her do that while I did some laundry (checking on her every minute or so) or weeded part of the front garden. And when she seemed calmer, or when I needed to go, she had to get in the car seat so we could go. When she didn't want to, we played chase in the car (which always ends, like chase does, with me winning - it's amazing that she loves this game so much, but we both win, because she's giggling and having fun and so am I!). And now, she loves getting in her own door and climbing into her carseat - it's the newest skill. Letting her have some time to explore on her own and using fun kept things really good, and I love that!

Til later!

The Land of Vacation

Whew, a week spent driving from CT to GA and back again, with two dogs and a toddler - that was something. Strangely enough, it wasn't terrible, and I'd do it again, but not anytime soon!

What I'm wondering is, how did PoT happen while we were away and travelling? I think there was so much distraction and new interesting things to do, that our interactions flowed pretty smoothly. Of course, Family Meeting got snuffed again. Must happen this weekend! I'd really like it to happen in the morning, so I'll talk to DH about that.

Now that we're home, we're enforcing dinner rules again. If Fi gets out of her seat (except to get a dropped fork or some such), we ask her if she's all done (so she has a chance to say no and get back in her seat), and then she's not allowed to get at the table and eat again. So, she can leave early, but she can't wander in and out of the dinner table. She cried and fussed when we enforced this tonight (we were SUCH a tribe of nibblers while on the road!), but it held.

i've noticed recently that Fiora is "practicing" crying, even in mirrors, and certainly when she wants to be picked up. It seems innocent enough right now, but just writing this down, I'm realizing that I'd rather she be honest and ASK me to pick her up, or to sit on my lap, than to use emotion to get what she wants. In fact, even tonight, she was trying to get on my lap and just fussing to do so, and DH and I both requested that she use words, that she ask - she seemed to have trouble, I don't think she knew quite how to ask to sit on my lap, but then she finally asked and I said 'sure.'

she's using her words more and more, telling more elaborate stories, so cool! Still hates to put her breakfast bowl in the kitchen sink, but does it pretty quickly if she can get something she wants. Tonight we helped her get into her toy chest, and I realized we could use that as a privilege to help her learn to clean up the toys that are already out.

Oh, and whining, and tantrums...

Another loss to the last month: awareness of how I respond to tantrums, or whining. Tantrums (usually at night, sometimes all day) I tend to get frustrated by, though I'm not sure what I've been doing. however, I HAVE been noticing that sometimes tantrums lead to us teaching her alternatives and then she gets what she wants. At some point that needs to transform to just ignoring undesirable behavior.

Fi's also been in a very demanding stage - ie, she demands a lot! "I need x!" is a common exclamation. DH has engaged in enlightening her to the difference between "want" and "need," but it appears to be eluding her at the moment. I've been choosing to request a questions rather than a demand, but I haven't been elucidating why very well. Still, when prompted, she does ask a great question, and her entire demeanor and voice changes completely when she does! Still, how to embody a typical response to a command? Just ignore it? Do a little more conscious teaching, and then start ignoring it? I have to say, when I TELL Fiora I'm not coming back in teh room, or we're not going to talk to her any more tonight because it's sleep time, it's easier for me to commit to it. Good for me as well as her. Laugh at her and tell her I don't respond to commands from a family member? I like that idea, but the truth is, of course, I WOULD in a stressful situation where commands were appropriate, or in a play situation where it's fun. I don't even know how to elucidate the difference between a question and a command. Besides that one feels respectful. But that word kindof gets me all tensed up. I suppose the simplest thing is that I don't feel like doing something if she demands or commands it.

It's kindof tough, too, to gauge her vocabulary skills and ability to differentiate. I know one of my weaknesses is a tendency to break connection, to stonewall, to step away as "punishment," and I'm struggling to have authority and make my own decisions without feeling like I'm disconnecting.

I suppose I'd feel more honest about it if I were more aware of how many commands I give Fiora. Of course, I don't think I do it much! I ask her lots of questions. And I want to be able to set boundaries, but that's more about bounds than commands.... Anyway, another thing to observe.

So much to think about....

Well, I'm finally off the compulsive organizing need to stay aligned with which week we're in - the momtv exposition of Parenting on Track is done. Thanks so much, Vicki, life with family is so much more of an adventure than it was before, rather than a series of stress and calm!

That said, I'm noticing a lot of stuff (and I'm ever so glad to be noticing it), stuff that I'm noticing because of the tools I've been given, and given a chance to develop, though PoT. I'm just going to purge myself of these observations that have been bouncing around - get ready for a long post!

Tonight, I put Fiora to bed. She was SO tired, and yet SO all over the place. When we went to brush teeth, she ended up playing with the rag and trying to get toothpaste out but not brushing her teeth. When we went to put on pajamas, she wanted to bounce on her crib. When it was time to read her book, she wanted to keep trading it back and forth (though, now that I think about it, that may have been because, while I think of it as we read the book 3 times (yes, we're still doing that! We could back it off to 2 times, I guess, but I kindof like seeing the permutations we get this way. On the other hand, when she's tired it's a joke, she can't even pretend to read when she's too tired! It's kindof cute, really.... Anyway, to her perspective, it may be that SHE didn't get to read it twice, because we started with me.). Alas, I think _I_ was ALSO tired. The only way I avoided the rabbit hole tonight was by choosing not to argue or fight with her. I think I was permissive, and I could feel myself hungering to explore the "firmness" side of things, but I didn't feel up to doing it properly. Plus I was thinking of Lori's joyful bedtimes when she didn't expect things to go a specific way, so...I just let it go. And this DID give me some lovely moments of calm, just being in the room and not DOING anything while she jumped like an acrobat on her crib. Looking back, did I really need to force tooth brushing, or pj routine? I don't know, I don't want to force them, I think we were both pretty tired. Next time, no distractions allowed at the sink (ie, clean it up)! Oooh, and I could move the crib over so she can't climb into it (though she'd love to push it back over to the bed)...or put it in another room...or make jumping officially part of bedtime.... :)

I've been worried that I'm a permissive parent. We're starting to notice more and more that Fiora CAN do certain things, but chooses not to. Chooses not to put her nice hat away (ie, off the floor), chooses not to bring her dish from the table.... On the other hand, she's more and more inclined to get her silverware, and ours if she notices (gotta encourage that!); VERY quick to get her own bowl or cup if she's hungry or thirsty; and has put her dirty laundry away with requesting a few times; will put her hat up if encouraged/asked (sometimes); and will sometimes clean up to gain access to a movie (though DH does most of the movie showing, and he's not using this technique much if at all). Anyway, I tend to feel a little victimized/frustrated when things aren't going the way I'd like, and that does anything but help me find and acknowledge my own authority! Again, just noticing feels like a starting point. i like the idea of having expectations for contributions and caring for herself and the family, AND finding ways to do that non-judgmentally.

I've been focusing on a lot of things in our life outside relationships lately (finding the perfect desk for work, which has seemed impossible, but finally worked out today! Getting the energy audit for the house, and then responding in a timely fashion to get rebates. Working out the details for how to go on a road trip from CT to GA with a toddler and 2 dogs, and then go camping before heading home again! The upcoming changes in our budget with DH's job change, which came close to being just a job loss, which would've been acceptable but tough), and I think it shows. not many blogs here, not a lot of visualization of what I'm looking for, or percolating, or committing to the moment with those I love - presence, as one blogger writes.

Our family meetings have been interesting. I want to prioritize them, DH is okay if they are forgotten, even though he supports them, so they still feel a little uncommitted to and unappreciated to me - weird, since they start witha ppreciations. I might need an appreciation board for a few weeks after we get back. Last family meeting was really telling: we rushed getting into it so Fiora wouldn't walk away. I don't like doing that. I'd rather have a family meeting and if she doesn't want to be there, that's okay (without being all "so be it!" and pushing her away), we'll hold a space for her. We'll do appreciations with each other, and really get into it, you know? might have to work harder to get her there the next few times, though, because...well, Bri and I give our appreciations, then we prompt Fi to say thank you, because we don't know what else to do. And last time, Fiora chose to get down after that. I think she didn't get why she was saying thank you, and didn't like being asked when she didn't understand it, didn't like being prompted. And I don't blame her! So, I'd really like to give her the space and time to come up with something of her own next time, and to explain it better. we also asked her if she wanted her money after she got down, and she said 'no' (love her responsiveness), and that was that!

Other family meeting problem: I was sick and tired of our house being a mess because DH was stressed out over impending end-of-job, and I made a sortof-request, sortof-demand about keeping the kitchen and dining room table clean. Success: I DID state the problem first. Failure: I didn't give anyone else the space to make suggestions. Bleh. Wasn't a 'good' interaction (nor did it work!!).

On a really positive side, a few days ago I was at work, and we had a client whom I just couldn't read (my staffmember described him as "playing his cards close to his chest"). It was making me feel awkward, and I was drawing away from real interaction and into effective but distant work. And then, I noticed it. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but I NOTICED IT. And I didn't HAVE to turn away from it. And instead, I kindof chose to be curious about what it meant, what was going on what I was having trouble reading...and instantly my comfort in the room came back. I don't know if the client noticed, but MY sense of that moment was much better, and I was much more content. so cool.

And finally, another moment with family that made me feel like a kid, sympathize with kids again: I talked to my brother. *sigh* He NEVER asks me how I feel about something, never is curious about my process, ONLY asks me what I'm doing - I feel like he's grilling me! (And its not just me, other people notice this, too.) It was weird, though, I found myself identifying why it was so unsatisfying to talk with him - I was really trying to find some way to connect. Looking back, though, I don't think I asked HIM any specific questions (though historically, he has kindof stonewalled specific questions, or turned them aside, not offering anything much), and I could at least start changing our pattern by doing that. Certainly the conversation we had, while intellectually interesting, wasn't satisfying enough to prevent me from trying another approach! And perhaps telling him he matters would be big, too, since we were so distant from each other as kids...ai.

Hm, now should I post this on the PoT forum....?

Out of control in a bad way

Terrible bedtime tantrums. I suspect it's related to the fact that she's been getting to sleep too late and Bri's been crazy tense about work. And perhaps to the recent chicken pox party we attended, if something's coming on. Also had a Lyme titer taken at the pediatrician's (we live in CT), nothing back yet. and of course we have several courses of tantrum right now because she's learned to climb out of her crib and is sleeping in a low bed (keeping the gate across her door so she can't come out, but Bri keeps going to her to put her back in bed instead of letting her figure it out herself that it's not social time).

My ideal roadmap: Bri to change his job. I get the results from the pediatrian, even if they are only partial (will call tomorrow). Fi goes to bed at 7pm (started that tonight). Talk to Bri about letting her get up and cry about not wanting to go to bed if she chooses to, but not interacting with her

on the upside, the bedtime routine was great tonight. My back was killer painful this weekend, spending loads of time in bed just to stay sane. And surprisingly enough, Fiora decided my bed was the playzone of choice. It was really pretty fun. We made up games on the bed: hiding from Nimbletoes the poodle or from monsters under the covers, having her climb the mama-knee mountain and making them collapse under her, sitting between my legs which were under the covers and making that space a boat that was rolling on rough waters - much imagination and fun. And then tonight, I suggested she get her notebook, and she got Bri's help to find her notebook, brought it back to the bed and colored beside me while I did my prep for work tomorrow. (now my work notes have some monster drawings :) )

It's funny how feeling sick, which makes me slow down so much, always seems to reveal to me things about my daughter.