Week Seven: Flashback again to the Crucial C's

During the momTV session two weeks ago, Vicki challenged us with this (or something similar enough that this is what I wrote down): how will we know that we are sending these messages (you are capable. you count. you have courage. connect...er, that's a mutual thing I guess) to our kids?

I like that question. It takes my mind out of making a list of things I can do, and makes me pay attention with my heart, to the signals my child is giving.

Despite that beauty, I'm also finding keys to these things for Fiora.
capable: give her space (and time) - she finds many of the opportunities on her own!
count: well, this is something I still tell her with words
courage: this is something I'm working on finding as a positive thing for her - that frustration and failure can be great things to experience in the safety of our home, and wonderful challenges to rise to
connect: i have to mentally drop all the other crap from my mind that keeps me from being in the moment, and know that my top priority is to connect to my child. Oddly, the other thing that helps with this is going to my zen mind (I did zen for three years in Chicago, blessed be) and detaching from any outcome or any label.

Week Seven: Remembering the Crucial C's

I mentioned in the last post that we went shopping, way too late in the day, for a month's worth of groceries, while we were all sick with the latest and greatest upper respiratory virus. Not something that looked to be fun, and I was all inward and protecting myself from even the thought of what would happen. And then, I realized that sucked even more than just being sick and doing stuff. So instead, I started vaguely thinking about the four crucial c's and using my awareness of them to guide my choices with my husband and child. I can't tell you about anything in specific, but it did brighten the trip. The mild increase in challenge wasn't enough to make me more tired after the trip, either.

It's so worth the effort.

Week Seven: Helping our power child in transitions

So cool. I haven't been able to stop myself from mentioning here and there how Fiora's (and our) problems with transitions have become more and more transparent, now that I know to look for them. And I think it has really helped Brian and I work together as a team better. Today, even though we are all three sick with yet another upper respiratory virus and felt lousy and tired, and even though we left to do our big monthly shopping way later than is ideal, we were both pitching in to give Fiora acceptable choices that helped her stay in a positive place (capable). I even got her to help us do some of the shopping, which she's never really done before (capable and content). And she helped us unpack some when we got home. I guess the thing that strikes me the most is that my husband actually seemed much less stressed now that he has some sense of how Fiora enjoys doing things (when she's not helping, she much more the wild child!).

Giving her choices and asking for her help are the biggest things for helping her get through transitions that she doesn't want to enter. When she started screaming at naptime (mama's dictum), I asked if she wanted to help pull her blinds down, and man, she really pulled herself together to do that! It was such an obvious struggle for her to overcome her sense of being upset at not being able to choose what came next in her day, but she is so thrilled to do things that SHE worked to overcome that emotion. I would've never guess that it would be SUCH a powerful tool to let her DO and learn things!

She is awfully capable. :)

Week Seven: Encouragment in action

No real stories, but I like this encouragement. I haven't said "good job" in days. "You did it" fits there so nicely. I'm even saying that on the evening dog walks, and it's phenomenal how much more I feel like I'm part of a team when I do that. Can't tell you what the dogs think, and we'll have to see what the longterm responses are.

It's such a relief to put aside praise. I thought it was easy, and I guess it is, but it never felt "right."

Ecouragement fits right in there with the crucial C's. When I respond to Fiora's deeds using observation or questions, right away there's this chance to connect. To be honest, I think those moments used to intimidate me. But with the background that doing this work has given me (through Parenting on Track - especially really doing the crucial C's, for Fiora and the dogs and for me), I'm finding it more and more fun to look for that connection.

Haven't really worked on the encouragement angle at work yet. Things are going pretty smoothly there. I like the idea of asking questions to let other people solve their problems, so will keep that in mind.

Week Seven: Sleeptime roadmap take 2

Time for a new roadmap! We've reached the goal of not crying/tantruming at least sometimes (most of the time), and that's great. Now instead she dawdles on her book. This feels like a power move on her part...this girl LOVES calling the shots! She'll get creative and start to play imaginary games with me, too. On the one hand, I appreciate all her creativity and resourcefulness, but on the other hand, shes not internally moving towards sleep (that I can tell).

It definitely helps to assert a little power here, the power of clear boundaries and of not engaging in any conflict-like behaviors: no books taken to bed (tends to drag things out), no water breaks (she has a water bottle in bed), just repeating that it's bedtime now in a calm, assertive fashion. Can that help with noodling? Maybe it'll just take time to have her adapt to the one book rule. Maybe we'll start just doing one read through by adult and one by child, so it's predictable It's tough, 'cause none of this (besides a timer or clock) really deals with noodling directly.Sometimes I'll talk about what we'll do tomorrow. I've thought about a timer, or telling her when the clock is at such-and-such a position it's bedtime, even if the book isn't finished, but I'm not really sure yet. Maybe she'll like knowing what's coming, but it seems like it could just make her feel tense and rushed (it can do that to me!). I'm aiming for more of a sense of flow. Just know that the roadmap is still on the table.

Maybe for now, make bedtime a time to connect (since she loves to tell stories more than be read to, maybe finish not with her reading a book, but with telling her a story about Fiora's day and our plans for tomorrow), to let her know she counts (hmmmmm), to tell her how much I admire how capable she is (at sleeping), and to admire her courage at finding ways to engage with bedtime/sleeptime (she objects to the lullaby, but maybe a simple nighttime prayer).... And celebrate in the morning what a great sleeper she is (erm, notice it?). In this case, I really do feel pulled to put value on sleep! Gosh, I loved rewording this in terms of the 4 crucial C's.

in some ways, I'm not sure we're any better off than we were before, when we just put her to bed with some screaming and wailing and no process! (She still slept well.) Well, okay, no, it's nice to have less drama, but I'm still thinking about how good sleep is, and finding ways to help her embrace it. May not happen, but I'm gonna keep talking about it with/around her!

Addendum: Last night, Fiora read her book then said, "Your turn!" So sweet. I let her read it again after I read it to her (she stayed engaged, I asked her questions and tried to keep my zen mind about me), and she noodled a bit but we'd started early so I didn't mind. After she was done (hurrah! You finished the book!), I talked to her about what we'd done yesterday, and our plans for tomorrow, and she rested her head on my shoulder by the time her bed was ready...surrendering to sleep before she was in bed. :) Baby steps, baby steps.

As an aside, I gotta say this approach is helping me assess my OWN life so much (I think I've mentioned this before ;) ). I didn't sleep well night before last. I was wired when I went to bed, even though it was a little late, and then I woke up around 2am. Thinking back to what I did last night: ate fresh chocolate cake that Brian had just taken out of the oven, topped with vanilla ice cream. "Forgot" to eat that salad I had planned on luxuriating in. Yeah, i don't want to do that again! I woke up exhausted, though recharged in the idea of helping Fiora get all the sleep she needs - it's been a lousy morning as a tired person! I'm sure I've eaten lousy food right before bed before, but I've never bothered to NOTICE what I was doing, or how I was responding. And today I'm still tired, but I realize that recovering from sleep loss doesn't happen in one night. Gotta say, it DOES feel good to have the potential to keep this lousy tired feeling from happening.

Week Seven: More mama tantrums...

Man, some of my buttons are NOT relationship-driven. One of them is losing things. Once they're lost, I'm CONVINCED I can not find. When I do, it's definitely a fluke. Of course, at the same time my mental outlook becomes completely black. It was amazing watching this happen today when I couldn't find my car keys (best bet now is that they fell out of my coat pocket while I was walking/running the dogs in the snow last night - I wouldn't have heard much if they fell in this wet snow, and now they'd be in a plowed snowbank somewhere - don't think we haven't been out to look!). And I didn't know what to do about it. Though at least there was a small victory in the choice NOT to yell at Fiora when she was flailing about screaming that she didn't want to be put on my back (in the carrier) for the walk around the neighborhood to look for them (once the transition was done, as always, she was completely peaceable and capable of conversing again, and she quickly took a lovely nap back there); I just took a deep breath and persisted in putting her up there, didn't apologize for my choice, told her again that it was important for me that she be back there today. That does feel kindof good (though largely overshadowed!).

So...
A: Losing something
B: I am totally incapable of rescuing myself from this situation.
I can never find things once they are misplaced.
I am not a capable person, I am a useless person no matter how hard I try.
C: I wallow in the throes of frustration
I snap at my beloved family, I whine in frustration, I make it difficult to help me
D: Everyone loses things
It can be hard to find things, especially when one is convinced one can't find them
E: Forgive myself for losing things. Over and over again, as many times as I need to. That may be the only way to snap myself out of it. It's the only thing I can think of right now. Who knows where this originated from, but it's definitely useless behavior, and I'd rather start to step away from it.

Right now, husband is rescuing me, and I am grateful. We will get keys tomorrow.

Week Seven: Relationships

So, here are the two personal stories I've been wanting to share. There's not much in the way of real stories about them, really, and not much in the way of "results" the way we usually look at them, but they were powerful moments that mean much more to me as a sign of results in the way we're interacting.

The first was with my poodle. He's the one who chases our beloved cat. Yesterday he stood in the hallway (the power point of the house, where 4 rooms/hallways/stairs cross) while the tabby walked through - dog stared, but didn't show any aggressive body signs. Now, this isn't exactly unusual. For some reason Catterpault is much more vulnerable to attracting aggression when he's sitting still than when he's walking around. Not that it keeps him from socializing with us - he's a brassy, wonderful cat. At any rate, rather than using my "power voice" to get Nimbletoes to lie down, I found myself sinking down on my knees in appreciation of his moments of self-control, and telling him sweet nothings, and he sank his head into my chest and I gave him a shoulder massage (his favorite, but not something he gets often). It was lovely. He followed me around all morning, we were in a good place. I want to do it again.

Of course, that night he was all eyes for the cat (!), and we did have to ask him to lie down and self-restrain. But I find myself looking for times to deepen our relationship, and my chance to admire him (especially in the presence of the cat).

The second was with my daughter. As I've mentioned before, she doesn't really like to be read to. I thought that might be a power thing, but I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't feel connected to. I thought the offer to read was connection enough, but I may be wrong. Haven't had a chance to explore that yet. At any rate, last night she was watching The Wiggles right before bed (still went to bed smoothly), and I slipped over on the sofa to sit with her. Normally that's all I do, and she's not terribly responsive. Last night, I realized this as I shifted over and no connection like I was (and have always) imagined happened. And I shifted my focus to just "being" with Fiora, to sharing her space and appreciating her presence (who knows what my focus was before, to do the right thing or something)...and by the gods, she knew it. She glanced at me, and then shifted her body right back so she was resting up against me. It was such a sweet moment to be part of.

Did I say I love this stuff?

Week Seven: more about praise from NurtureShock

Okay, so I like being thorough, and we got some cancellations at work due to the "snow." (They like the thoroughness at work....!)

During the book club I ran on NurtureShock, one of the other moms who had been a teacher noted that far and away the best way to get the class to settled down was to verbally notice the one kid who was quiet and prepared and ready. No praise, no judgment, just noticing them in a positive tone...and the other kids would really get the message! That surprised me, but in a good way. She talked about how the description was much more powerful for the kids than any judgment calls or emotional reactions.

"Good job" is probably the most common praise I do. But someone at the Mother's Connection of Farmington Conference I went to last year mentioned how her mom said "you DID it!" And I've been using that more, and just noticed how it can really replace "good job." What's really cool about using "you did it"? She can claim it herself - sometimes we hear Fiora in another room saying, "I did it!"

Another research observation from NurtureShock: older kids (beyond 12 or so) perceived praise as an indication that the individual getting praised was actually NOT capable, because they've seen that adults try to raise self-esteem by praising. In contrast, teachers that criticize can be perceived as trusting that the kids can do better, and therefore more positive. Depends on how it's done, of course.

Yet another research observation was that specific praise (about blocking in hockey, or using line of sight during running, whatever) was much more effective than general "good job, good boy" whatever kind of praise. Again, the description aspect seems to help kids (and adults) focus on desirable goals.

Neat stuff. Personal stories next.

Week Seven: Encouragement, NOT praise

This sounds GREAT! I just finished leading a book club about NurtureShock by Po Bronson in which he reviews all this stuff about the ill effects of praise..hm, I should go dig that up.

One striking observation from the book was that kids who were praised (outside the family, presumably all different kinds of family situations) after a test with a measly one sentence saying either "Wow, you're really smart" or "Wow, you worked really hard at that" (that's paraphrased) had pretty dramatically different responses to the next test being harder. Kids praised for being smart were worried about losing that status and didn't want to take a harder test when given a choice, while kids praised for working hard were much more willing to take a chance and then ENJOYED the challenge (while kids praised for being smart showed more signs of stress). Hm, should I use "praised" there, or noticed/labeled? So, "noticing" something our kids do by labelling them as something is not the kind of noticing that helps them grow into their true selves.

Another study showed that kids who were taught that their brains got smarter if they studied (rather than that they're stuck fulfilling whatever label they've been given as smart or dumb) studied a lot harder! It's kindof like the kid Vicki talked about in momTV last night who was thrilled to discover his own study habits and what could empower him to do better in class (in that case, he figured it out himself).

Similarly, later in NurtureShock he talks about the strength of a technique that involves giving preschoolers a chance to pick out which letter that they've written is the best. This uses the "ask a question" style of encouragement, and it does strengthen a kid's opinion of herself to assess herself. Bronson talks about how it helps kids build up their own internal image of what they're trying to do, which makes it a lot easier to try to reach that goal.

I also liked how the history discussed pointed out a seminal paper that showed the power of having good self-esteem. This seemed to have created a cultural appreciation of good self-esteem. However, it almost seems like we all assumed that since insults feel so damaging to our self-esteem, praise is the antidote. While in contrast, more recent observations (though I dont know how old the stuff is that Vicki is drawing from) shows that that's really not the case. Another thing that would make praise an easy direction to be drawn towards is that praise is pretty easy to do, it's not that much work really (though if it doesn't work, that's not a winning argument!).

Okay, two more cool things then I gotta go to work: Praise makes kids more likely to eye-check with adults/authority figures when doing something or saying something; and it makes them more likely to word their answers to questions like questions. So, you can SEE the effects of it in these body-language signs of insecurity.

Have two simple stories about relationship I want to toss in later, hopefully soon.

Week Six: not engaging in a power conflict

huh. This has worked before, and it worked again when given the chance.

I've been wanting to read a book to Fiora - heaven knows why, she much prefers to read them to herself! But I have this idea of connecting by reading, and I'd still like to give it a chance. After all, sometimes she DOES really like to be read to, but we haven't made it a priority of late. Tonight, during the bedtime routine (pjs and diaper, brush teeth, say goodnight, read book), Fi was reading along (and noodling big time). I finally asked her if I could read the book - not take it, it was HER book, but borrow it and read it; and that I'd really like to read it to HER. Whew, lots of screaming about how it was her book! I just sat back and didn't engage in that conflict - what was there to say anyway? I'd already said my piece. And after several minutes of almost crying, she silently handed me the book! I said thanks, and started to read it to her. Her attention wandered part way through, but not so much - when I finished it, she said brightly "my turn!" So I let her read through it, and then it was lights out.

Peaceful bedtime otherwise, and that drama was so worth it. Now to figure out how to make book reading a real connection...ask her questions about the story, maybe, and the pictures....

And it was pretty cool that she has accepted the "one book" nighttime rule after just 5 days or so (at least she didn't go looking for another book!).

Love this girl, will keep striving....

Week Six: Thanks, fellow bloggers

I got this insight when responding to the blog of another Parenting on Track person:

I so feel this [a struggle] about courage [as a big C]! I think I enjoy being able to be there for my 2 year old when she’s struggling (oh, I hadn’t worded it that way before…!), and it’s less satisfying for ME to watch and not help. Even though it has the potential to be so much more satisfying to her. And hence satisfying to me from afar.

Weird...and while reading that again, I thought: "But I CONNECT with her when I help her." Whoa! I don't want helping to be the way we connect...or...wait, I DO want her to help around the house, help us as a family and as people, and I DO like the idea of helping others in general. In fact, I do like the idea of connecting with others by helping them. But, things get a little fuzzy about when to help. Hm, not only is it less satisfying to not go and help, it's also more frustrating to just watch.

Yep, definitely entangled in ways I don't need to be! (haven't I noticed this before? And i suppose i might just have to notice it again, and again, and perhaps lots more than that, as it sinks in for real....)

Maybe it's time to try sitting back and letting her do her own thing, and connecting in a more quiet way, a trustful way.

Week Six: Sleep...not aways peaceful

the one book during the bedtime routine worked great with her dad for two nights in a row, but last night I tried it and gosh darn it but she KNEW it was "supposed" to be 3. *sigh* rocky bedtime, but still, 6 out of 7 were peaceful bedtimes, for the first time ever (except when she's exhausted). I'd call that success!

I'm having trouble articulating the 4 crucial c's with Fiora. So, I've just been letting them percolate in the back of my mind (and doing minimalistic coaching on how she uses the sink to "wash" dishes - maybe that's letting her know how Capable she is). With the nice result that I've been really practicing letting the dogs know how much they count (it's easy, the main channel for the communication is via eye contact, and it's special - I've never had such intimate eye contact with the dogs), and it's really deepened our relationship in ways I can't articulate, either. Plus I've been practicing "trusting" how capable they are on our walks. I can't tell that it's helped our walks have less pulling or anything (but that had already improved so much over the past few weeks), but it sure puts ME in a better place to relate to them!

It's kindof interesting how it's easier for me to practice absorbing these lessons during my work with the dogs. They do get a discrete period of time when all I do is focus on them (their nighttime walk and then training minutes). And they don't require me to articulate much at all.

So, no rush for now. I'm working on it.

Week Six: Another revelation

Not so much strictly PoT, but heavily parenting. Was talking to Brian about yesterday's button episode, and when I mentioned about her trouble with transitions, he mentioned that he had trouble leaving a project, too. Which made me think, I used to throw TANTRUMS when I was kid because I didn't want to take a bath if I was READING A BOOK. So that makes two parents with a child just like them, in that she's not keen on making transitions willy-nilly.

THAT's gonna be easier to swallow in the future.

Week Six: Did she always whine this much?

I don't really feel like blogging tonight, but i like how it keeps me on track, keeps me focused, so here I am.

Anyway, she's been getting more and more noticeably whiny, at least at home. I'm just starting to wonder in what ways I've been rewarding this behavior, and vowing to start ignoring it (in a few days - I'm kindof curious what I've been doing, though! I think I HAVE been cuddling her when she whines or gets frustrated...oops. I kNEW I was going to have trouble with this, though...). The first concrete step has been just asking her to ask in a different voice before giving her something she's asked for. After I've done that for a few days, I'll feel more comfortable about just ignoring it. Oh, and spending more energy really connecting!

And can I just say, she still amazes me with what she learns if given the right information, and the time and space to figure things out. She burnt her hand (no permanent burn, just hurt it) in hot water from the sink while "washing dishes" the other night. So I showed her which direction to pull/push the handle for cooler water, and put her stool on that side so shed be likely to make it cold (she can barely reach the handle, so this help is sortof crucial). Now, she checks the water when it first comes on! NEVER thought I'd teach this bold child to do that, certainly didn't work with the warnings I can't avoid saying, but she's got it - and it wasn't any teaching that did it. Experience is such a good teacher.

I also have been asking her to not turn the water on full blast - she spends ages at the sink when she's washing dishes, and I get antsy if it sounds like she's using lots of water. Twenty-four hours later, and she's getting really good at regulating the water speed, even though she can HARDLY reach the handle to work with it. She finesses it, and if she accidentally turns it off, she'll repeat her attempt 6 times without getting frustrated as she works on it.

I wonder if MY sense of frustration as she's working on things (not because I have to get anywhere, but more sympathetic frustration) is something she picks up when I'm watching her. Would make some sense about why she doesn't like to read to me very often.... Hm, will percolate on this. Kindof feels like the idea of making space for every thing, every moment in my life, not pushing the moment with expectations. Funny how hard it is to be in my zen mind when Fiora is having a hard time with something...but I know I DO want her to learn that she can make it through tough moments. You know, I was even talking to Brian about how much I loved the idea of her having challenges from just normal life. It reminded me of all the kids books I've read in which the hero is orphaned somehow, and then faces all these challenges on her or his own and overcomes them. Of course I've wanted that experience soemtimes! Weird how much I want to protect her from, what, herself? Getting discouraged so she can get over it? Well, I don't get this still, but I feel like I got a clue from "zen mind" comment above - it's okay to NOT TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR HER CHALLENGES (wow, there's some clarity), and to be there for support.

Week Six: The crucial C's, but this is about a button

Dang. So much awesome stuff going on, and then I let a button EXPLODE! Ah, well, I guess sometimes it's about triggering some self-exploration.

Fiora got her markers last night to color with. Personally, I prefer crayons, they don't make a mess all over her hands that gets transferred to toilet and walls and clothing. But I gotta admit, she was making some beautiful stuff with the vivid marker colors. and this girl LOVES to color/draw.

So, this morning she threw herself right into it again. Wanted some paper on the floor, so down it went. Then wanted to color on a card (I'd bought some for valentine's day,and there were extras, just plain white cards). Fine. Then I realized she was had the card on the cedar chest that my father's dear friend made for him. So i popped off to grab another big sheet of paper to put under her cards. And she went dramatic with screams of "I don't want it!", and pushing the paper away.

And MY button got pushed.
A: Someone being upset when I'm being helpful.
B: She doesn't appreciate me.
In this case, she's done this a thousand times before (drawn on something on top of a big sheet of white paper, she drew all her other cards while there on top of a big sheet of white paper), so she's being irrational and obstructive!
C: I got angry. Yep, I yelled. *sigh*
D: You know, she gets really focused when she's drawing.
And you know what else, she's not great at transitions anyways.
AND she got to bed late last night, so her transitions may be even tougher.
Maybe I wasn't very clear about what I was going to do, maybe she thought I was going to take her card away without so much as a by your leave?
E: ?

So, after I yelled, she said she didn't want to color her card anymore (who can blame her?!?!), and she cried and I picked her up and tried to explain myself...but I don't recall apologizing for yelling. *sigh again*

So, tonight I apologize and ask her if she's okay (that's our protocol, adopted from a friend and her daycare provider). Even if she doesn't remember it by then, it won't hurt. And if she does, well, it's appropriate.

And next time? If this happened again, I BET I could've (1) stopped; (2) breathed deeply; and (3) thought (this is from Blue's Clues!), then put the paper halfway on and asked Fiora to put it under her card. Then REMEMBER that when she says no, often she's really just asking for space so she can make the choice herself. And I bet she would've put it under the card herself. And peace and happiness would reign. Of course, maybe not, and then I could've just washed the markers off. 'Cause (embarrassed) they were actually washable markers.... (should put a bag over my head about now....)

Week Whatever: Addicted

You know how you can get addicted to reality shows? Well, right now I'm addicted to this whole show, this whole process, this whole LIFE thing. I mean, how cool is that? Maybe this is a little like the excitement Fi shows when she gets to show off just how capable she can be and is (she looks so thrilled during those moments).

And, okay, here's some off-track stuff (it's a lot more personal-parent than about the family journey). (where to start?) During the momTV show last night, and the following chat, I realized I was going to have trouble helping Fi develop courage...it involves letting her struggle, and get frustrated, and fail...and I don't want her to get DIScouraged (funny, i never realized how those two words are entertwined!). I have such a STRONG fear of her getting discouraged...that I realized I'm likely an "avoidance" child myself. Doesn't make much sense on the surface: I have a PhD and a medical degree, and a great job (both outside the home and now AT home!). It's not like I avoid work - my parents NEVER had to remind me to do homework, or study, that was stuff i took on for myself. But, man, do I ever avoid failure...and do I ever avoid connection (it's a miracle I'm married, really).

And you know what else? When Vicki lectured in Simsbury the spring of 2009, and I was forunate enough to be there, she lectured about the roadmap stuff. I made a roadmap of what I wanted my daughter to think of me, and my goal was to be a courageous person...so whew, thinking of this again last night, I was all tearing up, my big sign that I'm touching on some real emotional baggage. Whew.

And then, driving in to bikram yoga this morning, I was thinking about telling Fiora how much she mattered this morning, and I had this instant insight about myself. I'm not just an avoidance child, I'm a revenge child. Whoa. Again, it's not obvious. I loved my parents dearly (okay, maybe it's more obvious with my brother!! We are cordial but nothing like friends or even frequent communicators - but even there, not vicious), I did NOT lash out at them. They needed my support when I was a kid (sick father), and I was loyal to a fault. But I realized this morning that MY version of revenge, since I couldn't cause them dramatic hurt without disrupting the fragile balance of our family (and I couldn't bear that - avoidance?), was to not connect. I loved them, don't get me wrong, but I kindof withdrew any true emotional availability. It felt like there wasn't space for me to be emotionally real anyway (hence the hurt, maybe?).

So, I spent bikram today (ninety minutes of hot yoga, spent looking at oneself in a huge mirror) going over the mantras from PoT - telling myself I mattered, that the universe would choose me over and over again, imagining what it would feel like to have my parents (who have been dead for a long time now) tell me that - asking myself to be courageous and engage in the yoga, and to let my poor balance be MY pathway to a healthy body, be MY courageous way to engage in the process - oh my god, it was really intense. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but it was REALLY intense, and emotional, in kindof random ways.

I'm going to do it again next time.

So, today it's about my relationship with myself. Big journey steps. So I can be there for Fiora. Thanks, Vicki.

Week Six: The Crucial C's (connect, capable, count, courage)

Thanks, Vicki, for all the encouragement. That was such fun! And winning your prize, well, that may be the best prize I've ever gotten, 'cause it's for something I'm doing from my own center and not to fit the expectations of others - like, wow.

Of course, you know that all the best stuff (prizes) comes from how life is changing. I can't believe how much my OWN sleep schedule has improved this week! It's been surprisingly easy to make changes that I've been wanting to make (on some level) for ages, surprisingly easy to commit to sleep as something that is just as important as all that forcing myself to stay alert so I can get more done. Maybe because of the clarity that comes from seeing how much happier Fiora is when she gets sleep, and how much cloudier her thinking and responses are when she's tired. I don't want to live that way, and don't want her to, either. And maybe too from that fabulous line I keep going back to, that evolved from the sleep roadmap - I have a goal now to be tuned in to our own body rhythms (and maybe even to our family's rhythm), and to honor them.

Really looking forward to the four C's (for more info, and for credit where credit is due, know that the Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew - check out more info at http://www.connexionspress.com/books.html). Just this morning I told Fiora how MUCH she matters to me, and she was really quiet. Looking back, I see her starting to do some mildly destructive things in the house, and I think she needed to hear this. Amazing how much quiet there can around things that are so important to do, it's no wonder we get distracted from doing them or don't realize how important they are.

Week Five: It happens with Baba

Yep. Baba put her to bed last night, and no fuss. *almost too good to be true* Am SO pleased!

Tonight we got started late, and she picked the BIGGEST, LONGEST book out there! So, bedtime wasn't until 8pm. BUT Brian didn't use the leftovers technique, he made dinner (he loves to cook! Hard to argue against a hot fresh dinner....). So, we still have the leftovers technique to use to get her to bed on time...if it seems a priority enough.

And he told me tonight that she not only took off her coat on her own, but HUNG IT UP when he pointed out the door knob she could hang it on (and LOVED it). And then aligned her boots with his under the coat rack. ON HER OWN.

....love this stuff....

Week Five: Not a fluke!

It happened again! A peaceful transition from reading to bedtime, DESPITE book reading transforming into the offering of imaginary fruits by Fiora for sharing with mama! (Perhaps she was tired and taking it down a notch? ;) ) Hm, I like sharing these bedtimes with her so much!

And this morning we were going out to check the mailbox for valentine letters, Fi with no diaper, no pants, just a summer dress on - i admit, I did ask if she wanted boots and coat, and she said YES! But the best was when she realized she really wanted pants and told me. Wish now that I'd let her look for and find them in the travelling clothes bag...next time!

Week Five: It happened. A peaceful bedtime.

I'm not sure whether I can breath yet!

So, here's what happened. We had dinner (Fi just picking at dinner...confirmed with daycare family that she often eats dinner there, and as we pay more attention to her nighttime eating habits, it's becoming obvious that she doesn't need to eat much many nights after daycare), then I invited Fiora to play chase. Well, THAT was too exciting to pass up! So we played chase for a few minutes until she got tired/distracted, then I got her PJ's and nighttime diaper out.

Tick off "exercise"

I helped her off with her clothes. Then I left to put away the dirty clothes as Fiora ran off to "go potty." When I came back, she had her diaper and was lying down in an attempt to put it on! Go, girl! I helped her, then PJ's (some fussing, but I kept inviting her to put it on herself - that does still help some). As does the promise of brushing teeth once PJ's are on! We raced to the bathroom, I told her she could get her own spit rag (where she practices rinsing her mouth and spitting without having to reach the sink or dribbling all over her PJ's). She ignored that for several minutes, then asked if she could get her rag! Hurrah again! After we were done, she was ready to run out and get a book...but I reminded her we had to clean the bathroom first (an idea only introduced yesterday, so reminders are okay). So she grabbed her cup and put it on the counter, took her toothbrush and put it up, and I hung up the "spit rag." Wow, three firsts in one 15 minute piece of time.

Then off to pick out books. I told her she could pick out two and I'd pick out one, 'cause I'd love to read to her. And I told her we'd take the books to her bedroom to read. That made her stop and think, but I talked about sitting on the bed, and I think she liked that. She tried to divert to mama's bed, was getting upset, but I offered to pick her up so she could turn on her bedroom light - big carrot! Then when I put her down, a little upset again, but I fluffed up a pillow on her toddler bed and made myself comfortable, and it was too much to resist! She came and joined me. We read simultaneously (I swear, she doesn't like to read TO us, but to herself - are we THAT judgmental?!?!), with her occasionally listening in to the good bits in my book. :) I told her the last read-through before bed, and then when that was done I told her it was time for bed, "which bed do you want?" And she picked her crib, with little fuss about the transition - oh, sigh of relief! Then I picked her up to go say goodnight to baba and the dogs. When we came back to the room, SHE turned the light off. And didn't want any songs, so straight into bed she went (with a book clutched in her hand still).

Tick off "more structure on how many books" and "reading in the bedroom"

There was one callback when her binkey fell on the floor, but she's asleep now.

SUCCESS!! For the first time ever. She was always a Cry It Out baby. This was so nice to be around.... And the secrets? Minimized transition to bedroom, gave her more power-choices directly about bedtime (which bed? turn on/off lights?). Thanks, PoT roadmap and Kurcinka!

Week Five: and MORE on bedtime roadmap

Yeah, I know, too much information for anyone but me! But I find it helpful to write down the jumble of ideas and observations and info I'm reading, so here I am.

From Sleepless in America:
- Sounds like Fiora has trouble with transitions. Indeed, it's when a suggestion to change is made that she freaks out. Or when we try to take something from her that she's proud of having found and is using well.
- For kids with trouble with transitions, it can help to do bedtime routine in the bedroom.
--- so...I like the idea of trying book-reading in her bedroom. She has her toddler bed in there, so we could sit on that to read. And then say it's time for bed, have her turn off her own light (she likes that), maybe travel out into the rest of the house to say goodnight (that may be asking for trouble though, maybe better to say goodnight and then go read book before lights out? Not sure, will have to experiment with this).

From observation:
- Reading gets her really excited. It does NOT seem to slow her down. Granted, at the end of the day she rarely wants to listen to US read, she wants to read HERSELF.
--- so...could tell her that at night it's time for parent to read books... (ha!)
--- or...could stop using reading at bedtime. I like the idea of coming home and doing some exercise! That's something she enjoys, but doesn't fight about stopping usually, and it doesn't seem to get her wired up.... I imagine there would be some resistance to going from exercise to PJ's, but maybe we could dance a little, then brush teeth, get PJ's and go read a book....okay, so I STILL Haven't eliminated the book, and perhaps I should. Then, we would get PJ's on, brush teeth, and dance a little.

Today:
Well, it was rocky today. Our dog attacked our cat while we were away (it makes me sick to say this). He's been pretty good lately, even resisting when the dog gate was left open twice. Despite trying to increase awareness about the dog gate, it was left open again, and the claw marks on his face and the hair loss on the cat attest to it. So...when I came home all fired up to get Fi to bed by 7 or 7:15, well, I got distracted. Still...knew she got dinner tonight at daycare...offered her applesauce as an at-home snack with mama...she was terrifically proud of opening it herself, but ate only a few spoonfuls, so near-bedtime-hunger may not be much of an issue to take care of (INFO GATHERED)...told her it was time for PJ's (much wailing - hey, wait, did I invite her to put on PJ's? Gads, no! Must try that...thanks, blog!), caught wailing child, she told me she had "big poop (thank you, child! And I did, too), changed to bedtime diaper, invited her to put on PJ's (she wanted a shirt, NOT PJ's, much wailing)...told her it was time to brush teeth (happy child)...checked on cat, came back to messy bathroom and child reading book...told child we had to clean up the bathroom first (much wailing, short wrestling match with child during which I realized she felt she had a right to the book, apologized to child about not stating rules more clearly ahead of time, said that next time we would need to clean up afterwards before books, went and cleaned up bathroom)...had child say "okay, mama" several minutes later and go to clean up bathroom (MAN, mama, GIVE HER SPACE! She's amazing!), took rag down so she could put it up to dry...went to read book with her (4 times, she read it), gave her option to go to bed in the middle of the book or the end (she choose to read it again), told her that time was the last time....after she finished it, said it was bedtime (much wailing), picked her up...said goodnight to baba, dogs (while she cried about how she didn't want to go to bed and wouldn't let go of book, and needed apple juice)...took her to bedroom, she choose her crib...talked to her a little about sleep, can't remember now but it felt good and non-lecture-like, she responded predictably to dark room by putting head on my shoulder, sang her a verse of her lullaby, and put her down to sleep...she started crying about wanting this or that, told her goodnight, shut door, child asleep (she goes to sleep really well generally when the room is dark and after we leave).

Final assessment: not impressed. The transitions are no easier yet. I like talking to her about sleep, though. I feel like I need to make it clearer (to both her and myself) what our routine is - not any number of books, just "x" number, and how many read-throughs, and who reads them?

I'm not sure, and I'll make a choice anyway for tomorrow:
1 - dance some around 6 tomorrow, or after dinner anyway! (try this for a week)
2 - read books in her bedroom tomorrow (try this for a week)
3 - pick TWO books to read, one for mama to read and one for Fiora to read (try this for a week, though who reads could change)

At the end of the week, consider no books for bedtime routine, or make a sleepytime bookshelf with bedtime books she can choose from. I can tell we'll be experimenting for a while...!!

Week Five: More on the bedtime roadmap

I still like the stuff I outlined a few days ago about dealing with the emotions of bedtime. But now we've also decided to deal with the TIMING of bedtime as well. Sadly, these two objectives will not help each other much. Other kids may become more cantankerous about the bedtime the sleepier they get, Fiora actually gets much more charming about bedtime the sleepier she gets (for instance, there was almost no fuss last night about bedtime - only problem was it was way too late! Not an adequate solution for the emotional difficulty around bedtime...though perhaps fodder for helping her identify HOW tired she is, if we end up there again).

CURRENT SITUATION: we aim for bedtime between 7 and 8pm, she's gotten to bed as late as 8:30 (and the later the bedtime, the crankier the child the next day)
GOAL: bedtime around 7pm EVERY NIGHT, however peaceful (the reading I've done on sleeping so far suggests that every night matters - just having one late night a week affects their brain function, too bad!)

OBSTRUCTIONS ON OUR ROAD:
1. Bri and I both work fairly late, and though we COULD change that it wouldn't be easy
- I just increased my hours as part of a longterm family goal, and I'm trying to fill up my schedule. I'd rather not take away the late hours until my schedule is fuller
- Bri does his writing in the morning, and has had trouble when he's tried to switch to writing in the evening
2. The nights I work late, Bri has to (a) pick Fi up from daycare; (b) make dinner; and (c) put Fi to bed. This seems like too much to me, and indeed, her latest nights seem to fall on these nights.
3. We don't get much time with Fiora at night anyway, so it's tempting to keep her up.
4. I really like having family dinners, and that won't happen on my late nights if she gets to bed on time.

SOLUTIONS:
1. Prioritize bedtime - this is win-win. Once she's in bed, both parents have more time to do chores, relax, or walk with the dogs. We can still have family dinners 4 of 7 nights a week, so at least more often than not.
2. Make 2 of my late nights official "leftovers" nights, so Bri doesn't have to choose between a late bedtime or a late dinner - he'll take over weekend meals
3. Find out if Fi eats dinner with her daycare family - if she does, a snack during her bedtime ritual (PJ's, read books, brush teeth) might be enough if we're running late
4. Family dinners at 6-7pm (7pm on Fridays, 6pm otherwise) on my cooking nights and on weekends. Bri will aim to get home by 6 or 6:30 on my Wednesday cooking night.
5. I'll prioritize getting out of work on time 2 of 3 nights a week (the somewhat earlier nights) so I can say goodnight to Fiora and help with bedtime. I can catch-up on low-priority phone calls on the really late night.
6. Note: might have to brainstorm new lunch foods if we're eating more leftovers for dinner...this has been hard to solve for Bri, as we're on a tighter budget this year and he used to get meals at his company's FABULOUS "cafe" - homemade anything had a tough time competing, and doesn't always fill him up.

Hey, this isn't as drastic as I thought it might have to be, and I think it will work! :) Hurrah for roadmaps and problem-solving!

Finally, I'm going to keep a sleep schedule record for all three of us this week - curiuos to see what it shows. Already it revealed that Bri got MUCH LESS sleep than I realized last night!

Week Five: Sleep

Okay, last night Fiora got to sleep at 8:30, at least 1.5 hours past her ideal bedtime. She got up at 6am - half an hour to an hour earlier than she gets up when she gets to bed at 7pm. So, how has our day been? Well, it's been pretty good, but there has been a LOT of managing on our part, because any challenges cause significant meltdowns - we can TELL she's tired, even if she can't yet!

The good news? (there's lots of it).

Brian mentioned early this morning, after noticing her irritability, that we should make a roadmap for her bedtime tonight.... :) Dinner at 6pm, coming up! Chinese dumplings and miso soup (chinese new year is Feb 14th).

I got Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, Sleepless in America, and after just reading the introduction felt like I had a little more clarity, both for Fiora and me. Will report back any good tidbits.

When we got home from the library, Fiora forgot to take off her coat and boots. I let her walk on into the house, and started talking out loud about taking off my hat and scarf, and boots and coat...and she turned around, put down the paper she was carrying ("don't touch, mama!"), took off her coat, then sat down, undid the velcro on her boots (I've never seen her do that before), took off her boots and arranged them neatly next to mine (also somethign she's never done!). I was SO impressed. Wish I knew better what to say - I think I said "good job" or "thanks" or something, I could have just articulated exactly what she had accomplished...good thing to remember, next time!

When it was nap time first-attempt, fiora fussed - she wanted her "big bed" - fine. But then she wasn't lying down, so I told her she needed to lie down, and she "distracted" me (? often attempted before naps or bedtime) by saying she wanted the crib. I asked her if she wanted to climb into the crib (something she'd never done), and she got excited by that idea. So, I helped her climb in the crib and she lay down and let me put her blankets on. In my mind, though it took a LOT of management, I like the final results of lying down on her own without crying, so I'm calling it a success. (However, she urinated in her cloth diaper, and when I went to change it she was so perky I let her down - my bad, looking back I wish I'd given her another chance to sleep, the perkiness may have been her only way of keeping awake when tired...thank you, Kurcinka!)

When it was nap time second-attempt, she threw a FULL tantrum. I'd hoped to avoid it to some degree by (1) helping her know it was coming by letting her chose what she wanted to do before her nap - eat pasta; and (2) giving her that choice. That did not help, at least at this extremely tired state. She shrieked and screamed for many long minutes (tired girl! RARELY does this anymore) - finally I calmly went in to check on her, she was holding up a onesie that she had decided against putting on before naptime and asking for help putting it on. I helped her put it on, she asked for water. I got her water, and she lay down and let me put blankets on her and the tantrum was done. So, the nice thing was that the second part of the second attempt went smoothly...but obviously we want to be a lot more proactive about this.

more about sleep roadmap as we try to figure it out...we've worked on this one before, but we've kindof been learning information as we go...previous attempts have definitely had only partial success, and we're slipping backwards!

Week Five: Roadmaps

I heard about these when Vicki came to talk at Mother's Connection of Farmington in May of 2009. We made one family roadmap when I came home, and I was never quite satisfied with it, so it was great to get a chance to make a new one. Or several. Because I ended up making one for bedtime routine (currently its smooth, but she's always upset when bedtime is announced, she cried - I mentioned tantruming last night, but really she just cries; DH started inviting her to say goodnight to the dogs, and that interrupts the crying at least partially, which has been great, but she's still sad and arguing to get out of bedtime; and we've added some routine to bedtime - PJ's and bedtime diaper, then brushing teeth (which she loves), then a book, then bedtime - I think I like the routine more than she does, and the nights we don't use it i don't see a difference, but she does enjoy all the steps). And DH mentioned wanting something to deal with the "bottleneck" that happens when he gets her home from daycare and she won't take off her boots and coat downstairs when he asks her to.

So....
STarting Place (bedtime):
ME: Starting place: distracted and impatient, tired
FI: Starting place: receptive, likes to help, enjoys being independent and capable, doesn't like having choices made for her, small tantrum every bedtime
Goal ending place:
ME: centered and strong, present and connected
FI: enjoys being part of our family rhythm, noticing her own internal rhythems, makes healthy choices
GOAL: have one peaceful bedtime this week
PLAN: read books about bedtime (one book is parent's choice...if need to read it at the dinner table, can do that...or in the morning...read it out loud even if she says she isn't interested)...talk more about sleepiness, about how much I value sleeping and why (again, not necessarily directly to her)...ask Fiora how sleepy she is (from 1 to 10, though this may not work well as she's not really strong on her numbers yet, I still like the idea of inviting her to assess her own sleepiness)...practice diffierent lullabies, let her pick one...

Starting place (getting home):
BRI: Impatient, busy
FI: obstructive? unwilling
Goal ending place:
BRI: Supportive and constructive
FI: willing contributor
GOAL: Fiora takes off boots and coat when she comes home without resisting once this week
PLAN: Bri will let her know where he'll be (upstairs in kitchen) and that she can join him once she's got her boots and coat off (she gets her space, he gets his)...if she comes upstairs without taking them off, he'll take her back down and state the requirement for coming upstairs without judging...don't remind her anymore (she resents reminders once she start to get the hang of routine!)...hang coat hook for Fiora (craft box?) downstairs

Can I just say I love the clarity these roadmaps just created for me?

Week Four: It's Harder When I'm Sick...

I mean, when I'm not lying back and letting her take care of stuff, anyway. When we're together, I was finding it hard to be creative about finding ways to share my thoughts that the valentines we were making should have similar amounts of stickers on them, so siblings getting valentines from here wouldn't get jealous - gods, let it go! I can always dress one up with drawings before I send it out. And then again, when milk got spilt twice at breakfast, I was pretty good about not choosing to freak out (small hurrah!), just getting the rags, and Fiora did a great job cleaning up the bulk of it...then I zipped in and tidied up the rest...even after she asked to be able to spray it down to clean it up. Duh!! Well, it's always good to have something to shoot for! ;)

Week Four: Extinction!

The technique was extinction, but what was so powerful was that Brian and I were on the same wavelength, easy agreement about the appropriate response to her - man, sweet! Because what happened was that at dinner last night, Fiora (who was tired) started practically YELLING something over and over again, obviously more to get attention than to communicate something...I had no desire to reward that behavior, so Bri and I just maintained our conversation, no change in tone, it felt fabulous (not easy, but ever so worthy and RIGHT). And then I turned to Fiora during a moment of semi-quiet and asked her if she wanted to give the dogs her leftover soup, and voila, down she went, yelling forgotten.

Success!

Week Four: more from Week Three!

Wow, a lot more firsts for Fiora today! (Maybe it's just her age? But this approach sure isn't hurting....)
- She took off her coat and boots on her own when she got home today...
- used chopsticks to eat some cereal this morning (not such a useful skill, but still one she was exploring!)...
- when there was a spill that I wasn't all over cleaning up, she stepped in to clean it up herself (giving her space really works! plus having a rag nearby doesn't hurt) and did a really thorough job...
- she took the initiative to feed the dogs her leftovers after dinner (before I always "gave permission" or gave a suggestion..though it's only taken 2-3 of those to get to this stage) and didn't spill any (she has to pour it into the dog bowl)...
- she hates putting on her pajamas (loves the pajamas, hates putting them on!) because its a sign that bedtime is coming. BUT, tonight, I decided to invite her to put on her pajamas on her own (I ended up still helping), and her attitude brightened a lot just with that one little thing - who knew?
- when she was screaming how she didn't want to go to bed, I first acknowledged her desire and feeling, and then started talking about the signs of sleepiness (things seem harder to do, etc.), and she really DID start to settle down. I know that may not sound like much, but it led to me feeling like I was inviting her to learn a skill, the going to sleep skill, instead of just putting her to bed, and it was a nice feeling.
- and when I cleaned the table for her because she had brought a book to the table, i think she seemed a bit miffed!

Can I just say I LOVE THIS!!!!

Week Four: Take some power

Okay, I was ready to walk away from this, but then I reviewed what we'd talked about on Monday about the power situation. And part of it was that the parent gives away too much power, too. When I think about Fiora, there are certainly situations where I decide to be really clear about my expectations and she responds so beautifully, so easily and with seeming content. That makes me think that me being willing to claim my own power in appropriate situations (can't think of any right now...the sensation of claiming power creates a stronger memory than any little issues that were involved!) ALSO helps support her. And (by?) gives her a role model, too.

Week Four: Give away some power

Well, some other people I know implied that if its power-plays that seem to happen, perhaps Fi needs to feel like she had more power over her own life. Her happiness on the sick day I had, when I hadn't the energy to (1) help her much and (2) have any errands that were going to be run (and hence had the patience to give her LOTS of space) - and when she was very industrious (made her 2nd sandwich, this one with pancakes; picked out her own pants for the first time; used the potty successfully, even announcing it, and then dumped it in the toilet (learned this at family daycare, hurrah Alia and Amanda! but a first for home); fed the dogs scraps from her meal, with no supervision (only the permission from mom); took off her pants 3 times (a little frustration screaming, it was harder not to help! an almost first); and took off her diaper covers twice (again with the suggestion from mom, but also a first) - suggests that perhaps that IS the case.

Tonight Fiora freaked out when her baba (dad) told her it was bedtime, and she wanted to eat more rice. It was already almost 1/2 past bedtime, 1 and 1/2 hours past her ideal bedtime. She freaks out whenever it's bedtime. She does settle down enough for Routine, in our case, saying goodnight to the dogs and other parent! (She falls asleep almost as soon as she hits the bed, and the tantrum-ing stops when she gets to talk to the dogs, though she's still sad.) And I've interpreted this as a need for continued activity, that she hates to stop doing stuff - I have the same problem at bedtime! But...perhaps there's also the difficulty that it's always so imposed. Am going to try talking to her more about sleepiness and encourage some self-awareness. (Maybe it will even help me....)

Week Four: Adler's Mistaken Goals of Behavior

First, a caveat: I'm not I get this, or why it's presented. So I'll talk about what it has meant for me so far, the internal insights.

Again, the buttons the dogs have pushed have really made me aware of my tendency to overblown Anger, which happens in Power struggles. Or perceived power struggles, anyway. But, truthfully, Fiora doesn't cause this often; she more commonly created Frustrated, from needing Attention. Especially when she was a baby. But let me give you context: she was NOT a needy baby. As an example, she only sleeps well without us!

So, for me, I feel like _I_ am the one who has difficult providing needed attention, unless I'm at the top of my game. Hard to really know, I was in a lot of pain after she was born, it gradually got better over the first 18 months of her life, but that probably made it difficult and challenging to provide even necessary attention. It is not a problem much now. My dog training has given me experience in ignoring attention-seeking behavior, and I rather relish doing just that! My problem is identifying the behavior as attention seeking sometimes - you know, when it makes me giggle intead of making me frustrated, but I can see how in the future, in a different situation, it could really annoy me.

I also feel like _I_ am the one with big power issues. In the past especially I would give my power away easily (feel like the school system only encouraged that), and I've been slowly improving. MY improvement along those lines have decreased the Anger reactions. Pretty cool.

So, for me and mine, I feel like the Anger reflects more on me than what my child is seeking to do. I EXPECT her to see what she can get away with, to challenge rules, to explore, etc.

i'm curious what next week will bring.

Week Three: Why Loving It?

Because I like the idea of her doing stuff, but have a very hazy feel for what a kid should be able to do at any age. Being able to expect MORE, being given permission to let her struggle a bit, is great! I like the idea that she may not need me hovering and helping so much as she needs a bit of space to experiment. Some things I'm good about not hovering with, but when she gets frustrated, well, that's hard for me to watch. So, I've let her get a bit more frustrated, and WITHOUT it affecting my emotional status. Using the idea that if she truly can't do it, we can still do it together and encourage that next time it might be easier. So I'm still there to support, but I'm not usurping her growing up, and not tied in to the emotion of the moment, but free to give her space and be emotionally unentangled. *sigh* So nice....

Week Three: Timeline for Training

This week was great! It was about identifying what skills Fiora (at 26 months) had mastered and offered naturally; what skills she had at least partially mastered (in my mind) but didn't offer yet; and what skills she had yet to learn (which could, indeed, be very long!).

So...
skills mastered and offered naturally: waking up! putting on a subset of her shoes. Getting food out of the refridgerator. Cleaning with a rag (herself, furniture, floors). Sweeping (NOT mastered, but she's working on it!). Helping to take clean dishes from the dish washer. Brushing teeth (loves it, definitely still working on it).

Skills mastered and can be requested: bringing a bowl if she wants a snack; getting a cup if she's thirsty; recognizing if its cold outside; getting food out of the refridgerator (in a non-raiding fashion!); putting books away after reading them; washing dishes (she LOVES this!). Taking a bath (HATES it).

Skills to work on (in the near future): putting on her clothes; putting on the difficult shoes; taking off her clothes; getting her own utensils; bringing her dirty dishes to the kitchen; helping clean the dinner table; putting dirty clothes away; using her change bank without taking it apart (impossible?); brushing her hair; recognizing when she's tired

How to get these? Well, for better or worse, I haven't been asking her to do much besides the first list. So, first step will be to ask her to do it - she tends to like that. Second step will be to show her, or assist her, if she's confused; at least once, maybe a few times. Third step will be to give her the space to do it (really recognized this during week Five, when I was sick one day and hadn't the energy to help her much, Or to pack the day with activities - so I wasn't stressed with any timeline, and she did SO much new stuff, gads!)

Week Two: Last insight...again from the dogs

Vicki mentioned that "you will GET what you pay attention to." And it's so true. This is something I learned a few years back when training my dogs, especially the reactive one (okay, they're both reactive now, which means I truly DO feel like there's more to work on with them than with my daughter sometimes!). And it's remained true through the years, when I feel like paying attention. Reprimanding does not get me far, unless I only have to reprimand once. What has WORKED, is paying attention to desirable behaviors (lying quietly when the cat is in the room, for instance, rather than going ballistic when he chases the cat -- too late them anyway).

Week Two: the doorway to the dogs

Buttons were kindof easy to think of fast, not so much because our two year old pushes them, but because my dogs have pushed them. And something crazy happened when I listed the buttons, and extrapolated about them: when the dogs pushed them, I didn't get emotional about it! Oh-my-goddess, what a blessing that was! And in return, especially with the work of next week, they have been so much more responsive to me - I think there was one night in particular, where i broke through by asking myself what did I REALLY want, and the answer was a relationship with the dogs. Yep, there's my theme! Not the power position that I thought I wanted, not authority, but a relationship on which to base leadership would be good....

Week Two: Buttons? What Buttons?

Okay, I wrote stuff down for this on my computer post-its, so it's roughly worded but here it is:


- Buttons: "this is unacceptable!!" (happens with the dogs!)
- Me: A: Acting like I've hurt them when I'm angry or frustrated or disappointed or feeling any strong emotion
B: Beliefs: They're not allowing me room to be true to my emotions - it's THEIR problem if they're hurt
....but with a kid, I think it's okay to teach them that!....
D: Disputes: they ARE scared, and can be encouraged to be brave in the face of my energy and emotion (probably best AFTER the emotion has defused)
- DH: A: Hitting others (incl us, in fact, mostly us)...be gentle with people
- Me: ignoring the rules, when I think they've been clearly set
Having someone act like I'm unclear when I think I've been really careful about clarity.
Beliefs: I've twisted my brain into an uncomfortable posiiton to get the information they need, without enjoying it, and now they're telling me the effort wasn't worthwhile?!?!?
Belief: I chose that method of communication because I've been told it was the right way to do it, and now you're telling me that the beliefs I was taught are wrong?!?!?
Belief (of the past): They're deliberately taunting me, or trying not to understand! Being obtuse, obstinate!
C: consequence: i get really angry, kindof furious that they're not even paying attention or listening!!!
D: dispute: maybe my "clarity" really didn't make sense to them...what else could I do to be clear? Ask them what they need to be clear....
E: encourage
- Me: Mimicking!! (thankfully, Fiora doesn't really do this, at least not yet)
B: This is mocking, OR this is telling someone they're not really in the moment.
This is belittling.
C: I get horribly defensive. I feel belittled. I don't want others to treat ANYBODY that way.
D: dispute: maybe it's an indication of confusion, or defiance...???
E: encourage

Week One: Do Nothing, Say Nothing - addendum

I think, with my reluctance to engage in nagging behaviors, I am SO ready for this methodology! I was remembering how I also let Fiora get uncomfortable (tell her something is hot, but if she wants to try it she can...tell her it's cold outside, but if she doesnt want a coat we'll go outside) - I feel like she learns so WELL this way, and again, it prevents me from having to nag her about stuf she's never experienced. She KNOWS what we're talking about now, and she makes choices from her own experience.

But I admit, I sometimes felt like a callous mother when around other mothers, and it's a real relief to have some support for working this way.

Note: I'm starting to realize that while I may be stellar about nagging, I DO have tendency to whine rather than being really clear about what I want or need from others...ACK!

Week One: Do Nothing, Say Nothing

This wasn't a big deal in our house, but I didn't really follow it, either. Fi is only 2 years old, and we try to base our training largely on modeling the appropriate behavior (though we're getting to the age of more tantrums and more messes, and I'm ready for some guidance!). I was not willing to let her bedtime slip, as that makes us all miserable (and she would stay up LATE on her own).

I kindof do a mild version of do nothing say nothing in the household as it is. I HATE nagging, I hate the idea of taking that task on, it seems so hateful to both individuals. So, DH has his own sections of the house (his office, the den, his side of the bedroom) where he can make as much of a mess, leave as many dirty dishes around as he wants, and it's NOT MY PROBLEM. Ah, I love that. Though occasionally I'll sweep the den up if company is coming.

Same with Fi. We ask her to put her books back, and to get her own bowl when she asks for snacks - though the bowl fetching so she can get food works lots better than putting books back! But I don't tend to clean up her messes but once or maybe twice a week - I don't like how angry it can make me (I don't like cleaning up after others), so I just don't do it as a rule.

With DH, I've been amazed how well this has worked. Every few months I might express how a dirty kitchen stresses me out, and each time his help in the kitchen really increases in small but significant and gracious ways (we also have a schedule for who cooks when, and who cleans up when, which clarified things a lot and decreased upset feelings!).

"out of control"

i love this title (though I may change it). How out of control our lives have sometimes felt around here (though typically Fiora is a very generous and sweet child)...and how, for me, parenting on track is about relinquishing the illusion of control over other beings (my child, my dogs, my husband).

Which of course, in turn, means actually learning to be in control on myself, which in turn means being aware of myself, my emotions, my thoughts, my baggage. now THAT sounds like a good trip.

Joinging the bloggers

We're at week 4 of watching Parenting on Track with Vicki Hoefle on www.momTV.com (Monday nights at 9pm), and I finally have the time (and incentive) to join the other families blogging out there. (Check out the website at http://www.parentingontrack.com/)

I love the process we've already gone through in just 3 weeks, and with just one 2 year old child (and 2 dogs, 4 and 5 years old, who have borne the brunt of teaching me to be a better person until I could HAVE a child without fear of completely screwing one up - thank you Nimbus and Sequoia!). Would love to document the stuff that's happened, (1) because it makes me proud of myself and them; and (2) because it makes me more aware of the choices I'm making daily.

but right now, I've got a stomach bug, my daughter is napping, and the bed is calling....so i'll write more later.