Update

It's been a while. I think getting an anonymous poster/comment threw me more than I realized.

Family Meetings: Fiora has just started saying real appreciations! So cool...though I need to restrain myself from offering suggestions when she seems to get lost and stressed about what to say. We're really enjoying using the laminated pictures+words to keep track of our contributions, and putting them on the fridge with magnets. Once Fiora insisted on choosing TWO, which could've been a great time to admire her dedication and verve, but instead dissolved into her choosing which one she wanted to do each day and picking just one. Family meetings now happen much more reliably and with less effort, but are still not regularly weekly. Fiora enjoys spending her allowance - especially at grocery stores!

Contributions: She really knows where the clean dishes go and how to put them away; how to put soap in the dish washer and run it (though not when!); how to wash dishes; she's made dinner once or twice (with her dad's help); she's helping get out utensils and salad dressing and ketchup and the like (doubly useful since it keeps her from asking for snacks before dinner!); she's washing dishes better and better. She knows where to put her different clothes away and just learned how to put shirts and dresses on a hanger; she's learning about the laundry machines. She's getting better (faster) at putting her toys away and identifying what's trash/mess on the floor. She knows how to clean the bathroom sink; toilet; tub; and mirror. Hurrah!

She's really avoided sweeping or mopping....might have to make that happen. And contributions ONLY happen because Fi almost always wants to watch some netflix or do computer time...I feel like I could do better at helping her understand the joys of contributions...especially if I delved into that more myself!!

Roadmap: what roadmap? I'm STILL jonesing for a family roadmap...started my second version months and months ago, would like to set up time to talk it over with DH.

DNSN: it would be fun to do this again. New baby on the way will help facilitate this!

The Four C's: I feel pretty good about connection most days (it's such a delight with this verbal playful girl we have now!), and telling her she counts; I'm still a bit of a wimp when it comes to encouraging her to have courage, letting her challenge herself into frustration, but those moments still happen with fair regularity so I'm not preventing them (hardest when I think she's feeling sick but am not sure!!). Am I missing one?

Buttons: have felt great about these, then tonight my back was sore and the dogs were pulling a little on a hot humid night that does NOT deserve any dog or person feeling feisty enough to pull, my expectations flared, and I got cranky in button-style. *sigh* Certainly don't want to be too cocky!!

Hm, should review my PoT book and see what I've remembered and what I've forgotten....

Was that a GOOD rabbit hole?

So weird. Sometimes I don't understand this stuff. Today I continued to be edgy-mama - not willing/able to tolerate Fiora's screams about wanting her binky in the car after she dropped it (usually I can talk her down from this stuff of act). Told her I loved her dearly, and somehow really meant it in the moment...then told her I wasn't going to be talking to her while she was screaming. The telling her I loved her seemed to take the edge of her screaming but surely didn't stop it, and I talked to myself about the stuff I was passing to keep my calmness going, which worked surprisingly well, and kept me from getting sucked into the passionate world of the back seat.

This afternoon, it was her naptime and she didn't want to nap, but I NEEDED her to nap desperately. Thank goodness DH stepped in and helped facilitate napping. And I left with the dogs, feeling destined to have a miserable walk with them given the mood I was in, but knowing that they were overdue for a lovely long woodsy ramble.

Couldn't believe my luck when I actually was enjoying the walk, the light snowfall, the dogs' excitement. And then they started pulling me rudely all over the place, and I realized how sore my body was, and I could feel myself getting dark and angry. I did my typical responses: managing the situation by not letting the dogs walk on long leashes but at heel; allowing the dogs to "self-train" by jerking into the end of the leash and holding it firm - the former does help them settle down and remember I'm there, the latter has not seemed to help one of my dogs ever. Getting darker and darker inside. Then, for some reason, I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps I was right to be upset about this situation. And to acknowledge that what I was doing wasn't working terribly well. And somehow, out of my self-conscious, I chose a different approach: letting the dogs on long leash, but asking them to stop and wait at a point I was choosing. This is fairly intensive: voice command, leash reinforcement, making sure whichever dog was behind is asked to stop at the same place as the first dog, keeping my attention on them so that attempts to break their "wait" position are not allowed and to reinforce my command to wait, breathing well and edging gently through them so I was just a bit ahead of them before releasing them. And that beginner's mind was with me - I didn't expect it to work. But my god, the bigger dog, who always gets overexcited when he's on long leash, started offering me gazes, checking in with me, settling down. Gods, it almost makes me cry, it was so quick, and so long awaited!

Anyways, gotta go shopping, and dreading taking my daughter with me.

Just to finish this off, i did go shopping with Fiora, and it was lovely. DH offered to watch her while I went, but Fi suddenly intensely wanted to go. I countered that it was a quick trip and if she wanted to go she needed her underwear, pants, and shoes on, plus a jacket, or I was going. She sortof freaked out, I gave her a minimum of guidance to those objects she was looking for (and walking around, like her pants on the short table in the living room!), and I kept prepping for the trip, doing something to prep for dinner at the same time, getting DH to find me money - it honestly took me longer than I expected, and Fi managed to get mostly ready on her own without crying, so I helped her at the very end (crooked sock). And off we went. Again, I assumed it would be a mess. Fi wanted a lollipop. I told her she could get a banana and an apple - she got a banana and an old orange, and we really were off. She often likes to play before getting in the car, but I let her know that I wasn't waiting, and she popped right in the carseat and asked for her banana. We got to the store, she wanted to ride the car-cart, but it was wet from the snow - I didn't blow my top for some reason, but found some newspaper-y coupons and dried off the "car", and again, away we went. Found my veg for dinner, Fi saw some cereal she wanted on sale (I completely missed it; sharp eyes, that girl!). I asked if she brought her money for it, and she went sheepish and said no and was ready to move on. I actually bought it anyway, 'cause it was a good deal and we're on vacation (staycation) next week and car-snacks are running low. When we were in line, I told her she could get out of the 'car' to visit the flowers as long as she stayed nearby where I could see her and didn't touch. She did it. She came back into the car. We weren't checked out yet, so she got back out and asked if she could visit the candy/toy machines. I said sure, but I'd be leaving soon. She did not wander. When I was ready to go, she ran in front of me. I don't know why we had such a good time together, maybe I'm figuring out some way to set boundaries better and have higher expectations and the transition is rough for me, but I'm glad to have so many bright moments in a day filled with rabbit hole moments!

We are SO not going down the rabbit hole...oops....

So much I was going to write about tonight:
Child deciding not to eat veggies, child facing natural consequence of no dessert without good nutrition to counterbalance it --> meltdown later
Child faced parent-set consequence of getting down from dinner table - no conversation, no being picked up until parents done eating, no 2nd chance to eat, no computer time until dinner is over --> nagging parents at table and being almost completely ignored (huzzah! Even had to pick her up and move her twice.)
Child wanted computer time after dinner, but it was too late - must teach her to check a clock, and do so myself so I don't set her up for getting computer time after dinner and then put myself in the position of 'taking it away'
Child did not want to go bed (tired? She didn't sleep until 10:30pm in her room last night...), avoiding brusing teeth (first part of bedtime ritual), so i said, "Great, let's find some pajamas!" But then Fi decided she did want to brush teeth (she knows the natural consequence there: no sugar the next day if she can't show that she can protect her teeth from sugar - and i'm ready to do it. We even have unsweetened soy milk we can open up, and i can make oatmeal without honey, and snackbox with just nuts and chips, and no fruit - though really honey and fruit may be okay) So proud of her choice! And her pulling it together.
Child didn't like her pj's, so I offered to go get the clean laundry (learned from another post!) - child insisted on puling the basket of laundry to her room 'by herself!" She then put clean clothes all over the room, BUT also found pajamas to wear and put them on. A win.
Child did not want to go to bed, hence did not want to read a book, so I told her okay and I'd see her in the orning but she didn't have to sleep. Child threw fit and said wanted to read a book. I didn't shut door, came back in. Child threw fit and didn't want to go to bed. Repeat above. Child picked out book and we read it.
And here I get hazy. She wanted me to read it a 2nd time, which i don't usually do, but I said I'd read it really fast. and the it was a flap book and she insisted on doing the flaps, which meant I couldn't read it fast. So I said okay, but I'd be done reading at "x" time on the clock. But for some reason, I felt like I hadn't honored myself like I'd managed to do all night - can't quite pin it down - started getting kidnof pissed off.
At "x" o'clock, I got up and Fi went to the bathroom. Lately she's been playing while on the toilet, so I made sure the bathroom toys were all put away (not quite, oops!) and let her do her business on her own. Then I had to put a dog tick in the toilet, and Fi confessed that she was done. Then a toy got dropped in a poopy toilet. Uck! Fi took it out, and then i was insistent that she wash her hand and that the toy get washed. When I gave her a rag to dry her hands, she had a meltdown that she wanted her pink rag. Which was in the dirty laundry. But she thought the pink glass-rag or whatever those microfiber rags are that don't dry off hands well was hers. And I kindof went down the rabbit hole. Dried her hands. Picked her up with her pjs. Put her on her bed, put on her pj's. She wanted to be put in her old crib, and I told her she could take the pillows and blankets herself if she wanted to do that. She said they were too heavy, and DH took over from me.
When I came back from the dog walk, DH reported that she got in the bed without pillow or blanket. (It's cold in the crib room) And was sortof asleep. We decided to give her a blanket, not the big blanket but a small blanket that she would realize she COULD carry to the crib if she wanted to. She had, in fact, found a blanket in the crib and was using it, too. i told her I loved her, she smiled at me, and that's been it.
i found I really enjoyed holding the line, and NOT being angry but being sure about what i found acceptable and what I didn't. I did NOT like being angry.
We have decided that she can do potty breaks after bedtime, but that we'll put the bathroom toys away and stuff on the sink away, and that one of us will stay in the bathroom but not talk to her. This is something we'll explain to her tomorrow. She can use the crib, but if she changes her mind about where she wants to sleep after lights are out, she needs to carry stuff there on her own. If she drops her water before she falls asleep, she needs to get it on her own. She's been putting off sleeping later and later, and tonight's multiple meltdowns suggest to me that she's not getting enough sleep again. I really wish we could use a time on the clock for bedtime, but we cook from scratch and end up eating later than we want to almost every work night. Maybe we can talk about ways to help ourselves with that. My crock pot exploration has been a disaster. DH hasn't liked having help in the kitchen...though tonight he broke that rule, and Fi's old enough that we CAN help each other in the kitchen if we want to. Maybe next month I'll try to find quick recipes - it's taken so long for me to find recipes any of us want to eat, that's been my first priority! ;)

Gratitude (VI)

Yeah, it's repetitive; and yeah, it's worth it. Though maybe I'll start adding it all to one big humongous post so the posts don't get too dreary for others.

Today, I'm grateful that we got through all our shopping
I'm grateful that I remembered my new client's name when we saw her in the store!
I'm grateful that DH gave me time/space to walk the dogs before bitter nighttime today
I'm grateful that DH and I found a movie we both wanted to watch, and that we got to watch a movie together
I'm grateful that our new ice cream maker worked...even if the ice cream makes my stomach feel sick!
I'm grateful that the dogs like to eat our food when it's not quite good enough to eat!
I'm grateful that I'm the only one who ate the smoked salmon, which I then decided might be off....(maybe it's not the ice cream...)
I'm grateful to DH for shovelling the rest of the icy snow away from our mail box
I'm grateful to the powers that be for melting some of this snow away without any ice dams or leaks
I'm grateful that the snow was just high enough to make it easy for me to step over our gate to find nimbus' toy after I threw it over the fence
I'm grateful that I got to see the beautiful crescent moon in the early evening tonight
i'm grateful yet again for my YakTraks keeping me safe on our hilly, slightly icy walk tonight
I'm grateful to the sun for making my car so cozy and warm today...
And grateful to my husband for not complaining when I needed the icy cold wind on my wrist out the open window of our car
I'm grateful to Sequoia for lovely snuggles during movie watching tonight
I'm grateful to Fi for being my gelato-eating companion at Whole foods (another reason for sick stomach?)
I'm grateful to Fi for being so brave so many times today, when DH and I were feeling rather dictatorish about reinforcing rules about binkies only out for sleep (in the car, naptime, bedtime)
I'm grateful to Fi for her utterly charming dances, and for being pulled out onto the dance floor by the silliest of tunes!
I'm grateful to Fi for enjoying "Larryboy" with the same silly gusto that I do
I'm grateful to the icicles for falling in lazy straight pieces onto the snow, and being a different color, and just being lovely on the earth which I didn't expect
I'm grateful for dry, safe roads
I'm grateful to our amyryllis for it's beautiful, startling red blossoms that opened today
I'm grateful to my vision boards
I'm grateful to Jinxy for being almost a friend to Fiora today and yesterday

And then, for Feb 12th:
I'm grateful Fiora's cough hasn't gotten worse! (It's bad enough)
I'm grateful that I can feel enjoyment in my dogs, and am glad t make time for my cat - not sure where that priority had slipped away to, or why it had become work, but I am grateful to find my joy again
I'm grateful that there were other really interesting Parenting on Track posts to read tonight!
I'm grateful that my appetite seems better, and that DH made a non-greasy, yummy eggplant parm tonight
I'm so grateful that DH made brownies for the Valentine Ball, and even though he was sick!
I'm grateful that DH got up before Fiora and I got the sleep in - such luxury!
I'm grateful that DH is feeling better, well enough to eat dinner
I'm grateful that I can run past the 4 houses on the hill without getting out of breath again
I'm grateful that I feel anxious to get back to yoga after 3 weeks of "sick leave"
I'm grateful that we kept our rhythm at work today, despite all the complex cases we were seeing on a 2 person day
I'm grateful that, though it's hard to say goodbye to our patients and see their owners suffer grief, all the deaths recently have been good ones, at the right time, with loved ones to support them
I'm grateful that my staff is so much fun, and so supportive
I'm grateful that I thought of checking out the magnet school sites before applications closed
I'm grateful that Debby's comments on FCL made me look into what classes Fi can start if she's interested, and summer camps
I'm grateful that my dogs are snuggled up to me right now like they've never done before, one on each side
I'm grateful that I've gotten to hear Jinxy purr almost every day for 5 days now - happy sound
I'm grateful that the mess in my house does not depress me!
I'm grateful that the FCL community has parties and welcomes me and mine and that I got to see friends today!

Gratitude (V)

I need some practice.
Besides which, during the week or two I was really writing these down daily, life seemed really good. Obviously, this is something I could indulge in daily or every other day to the benefit of me and my family.

For today:
I am so grateful for the time I had on the sofa, in front of the lovely dying woodstove fire, napping on my husband's shoulder
i am grateful for cheery dogs excited (as always!) for a 9:30pm walk on icy roads
I am grateful for YakTraks making a walk on icy hilly roads an enitrely do-able project
I am grateful that I seem to have gotten the hang of putting on the YakTraks so they are no longer springing off my feet at unknown spots on the trail/walk
I am grateful that neither Fi nor I got hurt when we walked on an icy patch in a parking lot today (and slipped)
I am grateful for Fi's courage in getting right back on her feet and continuing to walk after slipping on ice
i am grateful for a husband who refused to let my grumpy, tired, self-pitying, sick-feeling self get him down today
I am grateful I had an excuse to go outside and do some excavation around the mailbox - it was good to be outside and exercise and forget how lousy I felt for a while
I am grateful to my husband for tending the fire all day, and for making a big dinner, and for cleaning up afterwards!
I am grateful to my husband for not taking it to heart that I didn't really enjoy his dinner!
I am grateful to Fi for enjoying yogurt with me today - the one reliable food stuff for my semi-appetite today
I am grateful to Fi for being so courageous as to apologize today after elbowing me repeatedly in the belly while climbing over me in efforts to be read to or work on the computer, and after I decided to get away from her to protect myself - she apologized an hour later when she got up to go nighttime potty
i am grateful to myself for apologizing to Fi for not being tough enough to be elbowed and climbed on - and for talking about the things I AM good, hugs and reading and chasing and massages and kissing booboos and drawing and carrying and the like - it turned my angry, turning-away moment into an affirmation of good loving stuff
I am grateful to Fi for not losing it more than she did when the car door tried to close on her today!
I am grateful to the woman at the post office who was completely charmed by Fiora and told me so
I am grateful to Fi for mostly helping us keep her face clean today
i am grateful to Fi for noticing and telling me when she needed to go potty
i am grateful to Fi for saying she didn't want her snow suit at all, and then for playing outside in her pajamas and boots, and then for letting me guide her back to the car when _I_ got nervous about her getting cold - something about integrity of desires and good communication there
I am grateful to Jinxy for not staying outside tonight ('cause I worry about him), and for not scratching anyone today - hm, need more positive thought patterns for the cat!
I am grateful to Fi for solving the problem of her post-dinner hunger - we don't like to do more food after dinner, dinner is for solving the hunger problem, though I wasn't too keen on dinner tonight - and I broached this with DH when Fi had repeated "I'm hungry" several times - and then Fi wandered back in the room with some leftover from dinner, and proceeded to eat it almost all up!
I am grateful to the fig tree and amyryllis for growing in this crazy snow season and being beautiful
i am grateful to the UPS lady for being so helpful with my un-taped package
i am grateful to Fi for being willing to leave the store after we'd gotten our valentine's supplies
I am grateful to PonTr and allowances for helping me and Fi deal with her desires for every candy on the shelf at the store
I am grateful to the nighttime for being here, and it being time to sleep and heal and recuperate

Contributions, la la la!

Well, after posting about how contributions were completely getting away from me, I decided (1) we needed to write what our contributions are on the white board (it's mostly a cooking white board otherwise); and (2) it was time to reinvest in the training aspect of contributions.

It was been so worth it. And the timing couldn't be better - Fiora has just discovered a letters and reading program that she can use on our computers, and she's really motivated to use it just about every morning. When she's not, she's interested in a post-breakfast snack. So either way, we have an external motivator that helps gets her moving on her contribution in the mornings.

Fiora's last contribution has been the kitchen (and it's lasted for 2 weeks due to a lousy big sucky illness that has taken us all down and blurred right over family meeting). She's been learning to put the clean dishes away - and now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I could actually let her put away more stuff, use her stool or stand on the counter. It's so cool to see her really focus on putting a pot away in the right place, or learning how to stack the tupperware so it all fits (I should train DH this well!!). And then we've been washing dishes together, and she's finally starting to actually rinse, wash, then rinse again, and then stack the dishes so they can drain - it's amazing! I've seen her go through so many stages of washing dishes, but now it's finally all coming together. And I can honestly say, without the structure of Parenting on Track, I really wouldn't have managed to encourage Fiora to help around the house like this. But it feels so good and natural.

One of the things that surprises me is how much I enjoy spending time with fiora when we're working on tasks - washing dishes together (even though water does get rather all over), putting dishes away together (I'm in an entirely different heart space when I'm sharing this task with her rather than getting it done with so the kitchen doesn't get overwhelming!!), or even folding laundry together before late-day computer time - she really inspires me, and it really feels like bonding time, which makes the subsequent computer time she takes much easier for me to give her (computer time often feeling anti-bonding!).

She's definitely jonesing to get bathroom duty again, though!

Getting my PoT fix

Okay, going and reading just a single post on the forum is settling me down, tempting me out of the rabbit hole I virtually pushed myself into. Maybe it's not all about me being overwhelmed, or her being sick. Maybe I can think of this as power child stuff - I certainly get angry enough. And then feel really guilty - what a sucky combination

The thing that cracked me tonight was my daughter telling me to go get her pajamas from the clean laundry (not yet folded). I resented that, the way it was said, yet had to admit that she was being responsible about her pajamas. If I had kept a clear head, i might have recognized that. I could have admired her desire for pajamas, and asked what "we" could do about the fact that there were no pajamas in her room, invited her into the process - and been a good role model.

Hm, the flaw I can see in that lovely-seeming scenario is my own resentment of needing to do anything _I_ didn't plan that will require my energy. Which means I could've resented having to propose something that would keep me involved for longer. I guess I need to make a choice there. Be willing to spend the little energy and time in the clear-minded pursuit of civility and connection with my child - I've just drifted away from that priority, because nothing outside of me has been keeping me there. i miss reading weekly posts by other blogging mamas; I miss having monthly local meetings. I guess I may need to start visiting the forums more than blogging, at least for a while, to feed my enthusiasm for this amazing job or parenthood.

Poor girl. I've been modeling muddle-headedness and lack of focus, is it any wonder that she's following my lead?

So, my anger. What was it about?

My daughter doesn't respect me, and bosses me about. (I've been requesting questions or please, but we've done that for several months now, and I think it's a good time to stop requesting AND top responding to impolite demands - how's she supposed to learn otherwise!!)
Other option: i haven't responded appropriately consistently to let her know what works well and what doesn't
My daughter is overly demanding and doesn't respect how tired I am (she's also very loving, with kisses and words), even when I tell her (she threw a tantrum the other night because I was getting sore drawing on her easel so said I didn't want to draw the last person she requested) and isn't grateful for what I do
Other option: I haven't been connecting with her much (because I'm tired) and she's missing me (she says so)
Other option: about the drawing, I don't really know! It's great to have her invite us to draw, because she mostly doesn't like us singing. I guess I just ignored that - she sure pouted and everything. Maybe it was like she'd been really cool and invited me to draw with her (her favorite pasttime) and I rejected her after a while? To do nothing, just to sit down! i could see that being confusing. Next time I could offer to draw on a piece of paper on the table or floor, and see if that makes a difference. It is actually fun drawing with her, I really like to do it.

Which brings me to (1) Family Meetings - maybe this is a sign of being tired, but after weeks of pulling off meetings even though I've been tired (trying to get the bedroom back to a restful place, but new bedframe may be disrupting? Maybe it's the varnish? Don't know, so frustrating!), and I was kindof proud of myself for that. This week, though, maybe a sign that we were slipping, it didn't happen. So...either this weekend (sometimes we make it up on a weekend) or next Wednesday, commit anew!
(2) It's possible that part of the reason Family Meeting didn't happen is that we've started contributions, and after a great first week, I've been lackluster about spending 5-10 minutes on contributions every morning. First, it feels like the job of dishes from the table needs work, so if dishes are still on the table i kindof wait for an excuse to do "as soon as" about that, or point them out for her. Then, if I mention contributions and work on mine without any sign of interest from her, I feel like I'm too tired to role model well, like I'll just nag her or something, so I let it slide. Then it's time to get dressed and go to daycare, and my opportunity is gone. I could try using morning gummies as something that occurs after dishes and contributions. I have used computer time (Wiggles, Dora) as only after contributions, but she doesn't ask me for computer time much (much more my husband, and at night he's too busy with dinner to ask for contributions first! and doesn't know if she's already done them).
Well, it's good to write this out. I think I'll read about other people's experiences with contributions on the forum, and start again tomorrow! :)

Mama Crankidom

I don't know what to do. I know I've been feeling sick and tired and unable to rest well kand, now that I think about it, sortof disconnected in some ways (but not in others, which may be why I didn't noticed - in some ways, I'm more connected than ever, though that doesn't mean fully). And when I'm sick and tired, and feeling vaguely overwhelmed, my top priority is to get space and to find something to help me feel better. Which means my fuse is short, and Fiora feels the brunt of that - I just couldn't possibly bear the exhaustion I feel trying to deal with her whiny, illogical requests these days (ah, yes, she could be feeling the effects of illness, too - no obvious signs for any of us - so it's kindof confusing and not clear at all). Of course, I don't think _I'm_ whiny - I'm being clear about my boundaries and my needs, and seeing the threat of falling apart looming and choosing to cut myself off rather than show the example of falling apart.

I'm wondering if there's a better way to deal with mild chronic pain and tiredness. I know sometimes, if I let myself look for a creative answer to things, I get really energized. And I wonder if I'm keeping myself tired somehow. (I can go in circles all day and night wondering these things.) I guess the real question is, do I want to do things differently in my family? Mostly I feel really tired in response, like who thinks of these questions anyways. I wonder if there's a way to be true to myself. It's hard to ignore Fiora right now, but I'm tired enough that I just cut myself off, I don't just ignore her, I cut her lose and wander off happily thinkingn I'm done with that drama - it's different from the feeling of being connecting and caring about her and making a choice to ignore undesirable behavior. Then again, there's the question of when to pay attention to undesirable behavior - if she's sick, is it really okay to expect her to be reasonable and happy and know how to ask requests at age 3?