Through her eyes and ears....

It was not a good morning. In my anger/frustration-veiled memory, Fi yelled at me for reading a cereal box; showed no interest in getting prepared to greet the morning cold; couldn't get out of the car once we got to daycare because she had just peed in her fresh pull-up, which normally she'll wear until it's heavy with pee; and then tearfully clung to me while I fretted about being late to work (until I distracted her with the thought of what was in her snackbox, buried in her travel bag).

The yelling thing is kindof coming to a head. Fi went through a phase when she was assigning things to herself or to others, and I think through that she got a sense of ownership of various random objects that are actually shared. We were amused by her claims, and frankly I liked that she was expressing herself forcefully but nonviolently. However, yesterday and today I realized that it felt really rude to be yelled at by a preschooler who is old enough to know the difference between polite speech and rudeness, between shared objects and ownership. I have no delusions that she knows this well right now, but figured it's time to start clarifying. Too bad these realizations often come in a spurt of anger and not in the clarity of thoughtfulness! (Perhaps if I blogged more....)

But, while I was feeling the anger/frustration (even voiced it to DH), I realized how stuck it was in my body, and I felt like Fi and i were stuck there a bit...it reminded me of hitting a button, and I realized i needed a tool. I realized, too, that I wouldn't like being talked to like I talked to her today, in many ways...but I still lack clarity. So the tool/experiment for today is to recreate the day through Fiora's eyes as best as I can:

She's enjoying breakfast, chowing down on cereal, using her spoon all proper and paying attention to not getting soy milk on her clothes (something she's gotten a lot better at over the last few weeks). Then Mama starts reading stuff on the cereal box, the cereal box that holds HER cereal (really her dad's cereal, but hers for the purpose of this morning as Mama doesn't eat it). It feels invasive to her sense of ownership, and she tells me to back off. Mama gets decidedly cranky and says, "That's enough. It is not okay to yell at Mama." Fiora is startled, and scared, and cries, because Mama has never seemed to mind before, and she doesn't like cranky mama anyway. But it seems to have passed, so she finishes her cereal and we talk of different things.

She was still a bit upset about cranky mama coming out of nowhere like a scary monster, and didn't gather herself to get ready for heading out. She does that better in an encouraging setting, and is still easily distracted. This morning, she focuses on the Dora pajamas mama wanted to send to a thrift store but Fiora salvaged and is quite, quite proud of. They make her happy and give her comfort. Mama mentions shoes, and a coat, but those don't make Fiora happy, so she ignores then. Thankfully, her dad intervenes, takes her sweetly downstairs and into her carseat before Mama can lose another hinge. Mama frustratedly gather shoes, coat; takes it personally (oops, always oops); and forgets to forgive stressed and (did I mention?) still sick Fi.

Once at daycare, she urinates in her pullup and feels great distress. When she's at daycare, she tries to be like her friend Alia and use the potty. When she urinates in her carseat, it reminds her of the time she did NOT have a pullup, and she gets upset. She wants to take off the pullup immediately, to take control of the situation, but mama has already taken everything inside while Fiora was busy being upset so there are no pullups left in the car. Mama demands that they go inside after telling her the pullups are all inside (Fiora really wants something HERE/NOW), picks her up and takes her inside - she feels a loss of control over the situation.

Once inside, she has a hard time self-soothing. Everything seems off. She does take off her barely wet pullup and put a new one on, but the sense of a loss of control is still there, and she's still shaken by urinating in the car AND cranky mama. Mama gets more cranky because Fiora won't let go of her leg and mama is going to be late which will set a bad tone for her whole day at work (which is tightly scheduled), but finally distracts with another self-soothing technique - you go find the snack box, and explore it. Take charge of something fun. So Fiora finds her way to self-soothing, which was much more powerful than mama telling her she would be okay or reinforcing that mama loves Fiora.

Well, that's good perspective. I can see the pros and cons of what I did much better.

Since that morning, fiora has been very affectionate - lots of kisses, and hugs. I wonder if she's finding her power to soothe her mama, or trying to make sure things are okay between us. Or if she really appreciates having appropriate boundaries. Who knows....but I love the kisses and hugs!!

Did you ever...

...catch a glimpse of your face in a mirror after talking to your child and suddenly imagine how it felt to be on the other end? I did, tonight - and it wasn't that I was being angry, or snippy, or condescending. I was just being tired, and busy - but when I saw that face, I just realized that I didn't like was it was telling the people around me. In acceptance of reality, some days I am just gong to be too tired or feel used up, I suppose. But I wonder if that really stops me from imagining how I really want to be, how to give well to those around me, how to connect...or if it just deters me if I'm not strong in my vision?

Stories? Not much - I'm too tired! ;)

Family Meeting: Fiora is doing appreciations more often than not - feels so good! We talking about adding contributions at the next meeting - Fiora's contribution to the list was "clean harmonicas" - too bad they suffer from water! I should check in with the forums about that for ideas on how to invite her into the process more. She just started getting $3/week - riches! Can't wait to see what she invests in.

Connection: time to connect with my tiredness, walk the dogs and go to bed!

What's New?

Roadmaps. I used the idea of roadmaps, after gathering with some other moms to talk about PonTrack and after reading about summer planning meetings, to make a roadmap for the autumn. It's great. I love having some of the things I'm interested in doing written down and within a timeframe. It's great to look back already and see what things I've prioritized enough, or were easy enough, to have already happened. I love feeling like I'm at least sortof on track, and I like seeing what hasn't happened yet, figuring out why, and deciding what my next step is going to be.

Roadmaps for Fiora. I've vaguely increased what I'm asking Fiora to do, after DNSN#2. Mostly this means asking her to pick up her dirty laundry, or noticing it on the ground and asking her where it belongs - we'll have to move on from there. When she's tired/cranky, it's MUCH less likely to happen (but that's true for her mama, too, so it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it). Dish cleanup from the table is better, though she still resists at first most of the time - wonder why that is? First thing that comes to mind is that often I'm not good at treating acts/choices/others/self like they/we matter...so that's next on MY goal list. I tend to think of them as important to do, but not like, how do I say this, there is intrinsic value in doing them...well, we'll see how that works out.

Encouragement. The other day I was filling out a form for a photography session, and there was a question about how I would describe my child with just one word. "Cute." Dang, she's friggin' cute. But that seemed a very Disney, bland answer, so I was looking at her and searching for other fabulous words that would describe her, not saying anything...and she looked up, said "I love you, mama, and my baba" - rarely does she do something like that, and it reminded me of the power of just positive beliefs!

Buttons. Being late and lost - that has been so well conquered, several times I've been one or the other and been surprised at how it was okay. Gods, I love that! The other day, though, we were late (DH was slow) and lost (my trouble) and I let myself get cranky - but it was definitely a choice - not a good choice, NOT good role-modeling, more punishment for DH not being on-time (ouch! I hate writing that!) - and I regret it. I don't think it did anything beneficial, Fi didn't want to get her picture taken, and I could've just told him afterwards that it really bothered me and been much more grown up about it, and probably more productive. *sigh* The lovely thing about buttons is when they're gone, not so much finding them which is SO embarrassing.

Enough for tonight! Missed posting, this felt good.