Monday, March 29, 2010

Week nine, part II: Money Take Two

After much reminding on my part, family meeting did happen. It's definitely taking some finagling for it to happen, though part of that was due to the fact that we were visiting friends this weekend. Anyway, we had it after a quick dinner last night, and I admit that I used chocolate dessert to keep Fiora at the table while Bri found her allowance (he is now treasurer!). Then we did our appreciations (man, but I enjoy that!), Fiora was prompted to say "thank you" 'cause she wasn't going to offer anything, but after another week (so she knows that she's encouraged to say something, and has a starting point) I think we might try dropping that for a month or so and see if she'll volunteer anything. I presented the idea of contributions, but I'm in no big rush for those (she's only two, and right now responsibilities seem to scare her rather than make her feel capable, like playing at responsibilities does). We didn't have $2, so she got $1 and a quarter. Brian prompted her to put it away (she was going to leave it at the table), and I think it made it to her bed last night! We did go shopping the other day, and she wanted a crayon/book...could've asked her about her money then, not sure that I did.

So, that's the week in money review. Got to share the mindset of PoT with some childless friends of ours, they quite liked the ideas.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Week nine, part II: Family Meeting with Money

Big accomplishment: We remembered! I actually got up from a nap because I remembered we hadn't had our family meeting yet, and we wouldn't be able to do it later, and it needed to happen!

Confession: we kindof chased Fiora down. I mean, she's only two. We didn't actually carry her to the table, just invited her over and over again and found her in the yard, etc. At any rate, she did eventually join us.

Smaller accomplishment: it was at the table this time. :) Definitely a better place for it. Fiora was not doing anything else the whole (short) time.

"Timekeeper": Fiora announced the beginning and end by blowing on one of my harmonicas. She did get a big kick out of being asked to do that, and then being able to do it!

Appreciations: We made eye contact, and we made appreciations. It seems awfully easy to find things to appreciate in my family.... On the other hand, showing that appreciation through my eyes is going to be a process -- I realized my gaze is a little standoffish even when showing appreciations to the people I love the most! (Thank you, dogs, for letting me start to recognize the importance of how I connect to others with my gaze.) Fiora's appreciations were just "Thank you, baba. Thank you, mama." But it's a start!

Funny money! WE did it. We gave Fiora her first allowance: $2. And man, she DID manage to surprise me! At first, by deciding to eagerly stay at the table when we told her we'd be giving her money (I didn't think she knew what it was! Well, perhaps she didn't, but did want to get something?). When we gave it to her, I told her that if the money was left on the floor or table, we would take it back (she's in a very possessive, black&white mindset about "mine" right now, and would've been really upset if we took something of hers, so I thought it best to be proactive about that). And what did she do? She took her two dollar, checked them out, and then gave them back to us! (Too much responsible? Not yummy enough? What is this stuff anyways?) Brian thought this was a great precedent. Into the vacation funds it went! Perhaps we're raising a little buddha..... ;)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Week nine, etc: Up, a movie about letting go...

Man, was there ever a crashing good symbol for holding on to something that is no longer meaningful in the moment - there's this little moment of betrayal of his friends in the moment, his new friends, his new promises, because he's still clinging to stuff from his previous life - and boy, but didn't it ring familiar. People say this animated movie is about the process of letting go of a loved one (and it is, and it's beautiful and funny, and the dogs are brilliant), but it also resonates with what happens whenever I'm with my little girl, or my dogs, and a button is pushed. I KNOW, somewhere, what's true to the moment, I know it doesn't feel right to ignore that, but at the same time something else is screaming for recognition and resolution, and doesn't that push emotions to a head!

So, for everyone who has been doing Parenting on Track, and likes good movies, this one deserves watching. (Unless, I don't know, do you end up finding PoT moments in any movie that has a crisis?!? Maybe so...but this one was so CLEAR...and involved an adult/kid moment, which doesn't hurt.) I think having the story-symbol will help me recognize my moments and keep my cool...so thanks, Pixar.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Week nine, part II: Money possibilities

Cool - sounds like some PoT kids are encouraged to save some money, in bank accounts or personal savings, and they do it. I'd like that. Any they are invited to donate when the parents do...can say yes or no. I like that, too. Guess we don't have to expect to lose the saving and giving aspects of money just because we're giving up control.

Still have NO idea how this would play out with our 2 year old. But can I say, I'm SO curious what she would want to buy!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Week "Nine" part two - Money Management

Fiora could get an allowance. That would be dropped until we cleaned it up into a vacation jar or somesuch. Well, I guess the point is, I don't really know that. Give the girl a chance and see what happens.

But to be honest, I'm a bit torn. We really want to teach Fiora about saving money, giving money, as well as letting her learn how to spend her money. Gads, Brian even wants to figure out some way for her to experience the potential disaster of credit cards for herself (at some later date, of course!). I could see her learning how to save her money on her own (Brian and I both did as kids, because there were things we wanted to spend it on), and how to spend it on her own, but what about giving it? We were thinking of doing a donation at Christmas, on the Christmas tree, that the family decided where to give to. It'd be cool if at some point she did the same thing with her allowance...and why not from the very start?

In addition, if she chose some crappy candy that I wouldn't eat and think isn't good for her, my mama-bear tendencies would move me to say, "I want you to be strong and healthy and feel good, and that food won't help you. Not for Fiora." If she chose dry pasta or whatever, well, okay.

I actually remember one Saturday when I was a kid. My parents finally got tired of us kids REALLY WANTING whatever was being advertised during Saturday morning cartoons (I still remember the ads for chocolate chip cookie cereal and gum with exploding flavor in the center!). So they told us that for one Saturday a month, we could eat whatever crap we wanted. Of course, we bought a ton of stuff (we didn't usually eat sugar in our household), including the afore-mentioned cereal and candy. I still remember the disappointment - the cereal was pretty darn tasteless, and the gum was a far cry from my imagination. I don't remember fighting to keep that tradition going...it wasn't worth it.

Why do I tell that story? Well, I DO believe that buying crap isn't terribly self-satisfying. But it might also help to have some exposure to other options. The ads really informed my brother and my choices of what to buy. I don't remember my mom ever giving us options when we were food shopping...I'd love to introduce Fiora to Divine Treasures chocolate sweetened with agave (they're so good!), or gelato, etc.

Looking forward to learning more about how to do this well. And what Fi will do when given the chance. She's surprised me often enough before!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Week nine: Back to roadmaps - bedtime progress

Last night was a great example of progress, both on Fiora's part and on mine. Though it was undoubtably helped along by the fact that Fiora was really tired due to coughing spells shes been having at night (on the other hand, I felt a bit at a disadvantage due to decreased sleep, so perhaps we were even overall).

Pajamas and nighttime diaper are the first step. Tonight, I invited her to engage in the process of putting those on, and she actually accepted. (Most nights we avoid a fight here by changing her resistance into a chase-game.) It would've not worked if I'd insisted on putting them on, but I know enough now to step back and let her ask for help if she wants it. She was very happy with the whole process.

Then it was tooth brushing time - pretty peaceful, though she got distracted with a wet rag. All I can remember about that was thinking "dang, should've put that away!" and "it's not worth getting fussed about a little delay" - and somehow she was ready to move on with a little suggestion I made and can't even remember. But I think letting go of having to be UNDELAYED allowed us to move on without engaging in "battle" strategies!

Finally it was time to read books. We said goodnight to the others. And Fi started USING the routine to let me know she was tired. She started to read the book (first read), just a few pages, then said "your turn." (Too tired to read!) After the book was done, though, as usual, she had trouble transitioning to the bed, didn't want to help with anything tonight. So...I started doing the other bits of our routine, closing the blinds, etc., until she asked to help (or screamed a bit, really)...rather than forcing her to bed. How nice to have options, and to be learning that giving her space and providing good rewarding options for her can get us where we want to go fairly painlessly!

Finally, after she closed the blinds, closed the door, and turned off the lights, I got to hold her and talk about the story of her day...and she is now adding her perspective on her day (sometimes it's a lot about having "big poops" and "stairs", but it's so cool to hear her version anyway!), and she was ready for bed after feeling empowered. It's getting easier, even though I know it'll still be different every night!

Week Nine: Oops...Family Meeting today...?

Yeah, it didn't get prioritized...oops. Bri has now left for work, and it won't happen today after all.

Well...perhaps Fi and I can pull one off. [...time passes...] Okay, done. This time Fiora blew on the recorder to announce the beginning and end. It was a little chaotic with recorder blowing continuing. AND I forgot to get us to the table. So, next time, we'll have Brian here (family meeting in the morning?), we'll sit at the table again, and we'll try the recorder or some jingle bells to start and end with. Oh, and I'll get a journal.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Week Nine: Back to the crucial C's again

I really love the Crucial C's. Focusing on those have brought my heart into play in an expansive way I really wasn't experiencing before with my family, and this has happened over and over again. It's really a challenge for me to do each of the crucial C's (connect, tell them how much they count, recognize their courage, and give them chances to be capable), especially the first three. And over this past week, I've really been recognizing again that many of the ways I interact don't actually connect, but kindof skip over that possibility and that potential. But recognizing it has the power to motivate me back into gear remembering my true goals, seeing that what I really want is to connect. It's still a challenge to give up my tendency and my habit to be internally multitasking, and yet when I do give up that tendency and commit to doing just connecting for a little bit, it's intensely rewarding and my life somehow seems to get less complicated rather than more chaotic (as I might've expected).

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Week Nine: Blogs are like family meetings!

I was just thinking this tonight as I started out on the nightly dog walk.

We post:

Appreciations. It's a way of really noticing the good stuff, when it gets written down. This is really potent stuff for me, I realized today (during a discussion on another dog walk, that one complete with tired toddler), because I remember stuff a lot better when I write it down.

Vents. Which are kindof like problems to go on a problem list (i think that's part of family meetings, isn't it?).

Needs/hopes for clarification.

Add to that that they're short and sweet (even when we feel like we've written a chapter, it doesn't take that long to read), have a definite chairperson (the writer), definite notetaker (the writer), the only thing lacking is the community...but then we turn around and use all the info we've gathered on our blogs during our interactions with our family (and others), so there's the community. And we even have readers!

As a side note, I was also realizing that appreciations are another way of avoiding labels and labeling. All the examples we were given were of specific events. Not "I appreciate how sweet your are" or "I appreciate that Dad is really strong," but specific instances that may represent that. It's another way of avoiding praise. And it's such a more satisfying way to communicate with loved ones!

Week Nine: First Family Meeting

Okay, well, our first lesson is that a weeknight doesn't work too well - we ended up doing this DURING dinner, and Bri pointed out that it really ought to have it's own space. As it was his suggestion to do it Wednesday night, that was fine - felt kindof cool, to just try it, notice it didn't work, and move on. So, new plan: Sundays.

All we did tonight was appreciations (that's all we've learned). No journal, no timer, no appointing of positions (yet). Fiora said, "I appreciate you, baba." :) It felt really good, not only to receive an appreciation, but also to give them...and I hadn't prepared for it, which actually made it feel all that much more real and true. Looking forward to not only continuing this tradition, but also learning more about family meetings.

Week Nine: neat stuff about personalities...

...from another blogger, here: http://flockmother.wordpress.com/2010/03/09/be-do-have/

It keeps spinning around in my head, because our family is so clear.

I'm an eagle - I LOVE organization, having plans (though they can be tossed aside, I'm happier to start with one), making lists, big on loyality and sticking with something

Brian is a turtle - definitey easy going and empathetic, needs to have his own space/time as part of the schedule in order to feel good, likes to avoid stressful emotions unless it's made clear that it will be better on the other side

Fiora is a lion - loves being competent, does enjoy feeling like she's in charge

(And the dogs and cat?
Catterpault, naturally, is a lion/turtle (what a combo!).
Coya is chameleon with some lion thrown in.
Nimbletoes is a lion/eagle)

This reminds me of when I was sitting in my chiropractor's office about 11 years ago, and found a big tome about astrology next to me. I couldn't figure out why I enjoyed looking at it so much at first, but then it gradually sank in that it was so much fun to appreciate DIFFERENCES in people as interesting and worthwhile. At that time in my life, I had a really hard time appreciating how differently other people approached things (which thankfully has improved). In the recent past, Bri and I have had to work out the fact that we approach things differently, so this is obviously still something I'm working on, and today's little exercise adds yet another layer of clarity.

In addition, for some reason I'd assumed that Fiora would be like one of us (she is in other ways, like how transitions are hard for her...and that particular realization about transitions may have put me on the path of looking for us in her), so it's also a nice dose of clarity to see that, at least right now, she has quite a different personality from her parents!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Week Nine: Family Meetings - Appreciations

This just feels good! I love the idea of having the assignment to find things I appreciate about every member of our family. It kindof reminds me of the movie The Secret (which is a bit hokey but has some great points), where they mention that gratitude is a really powerful tool to use to bring good stuff into your life.

This is DEFINITELY something I could use at work. I thank people periodically, but it can feel kindof hokey to thank them for doing their job. Somehow, appreciating seems somehow more appropriate and hence more powerful.

To practice, today I appreciate that Fiora was very gentle when she washed my face with her wet rag, and I also appreciate that she asked first. I felt really loved and respected.

And I appreciate that my husband went into Fiora's bedroom when she was screaming tonight and calmed her with a few words and soothing sounds. He did this after a long day's work, and too little sleep last night.

I appreciate that Coya really threw all her energy into playing the fetch game today with her purple bunny, that she joined us with all she's worth.

I appreciate that Nimbletoes showed some real self-control around the cat tonight out in the car port, and even chose to walk to areas where he wouldn't be right next to the cat (even though he was obviously interested in the cat and was off-leash).

And I appreciate that vicki showed up so full of energy and passion to communicate her message after a long weekend for her!

Week eight: more extinction

Gods, I love extinction techniques! Not sure where this fits in our schedule (DNSN?), but this morning I offered Fiora a little 85% dark chocolate (hardly sweet at all, okay?). She screamed bloody murder when I "only" gave her one piece and threw the piece away...so...I picked up the chocolate and took it with me back downstairs (where we were watching an early morning bear documentary!). She screamed and cried the whole way downstairs, and I just ignored. Not angry ingnored. Not "serves you right" ignored. Just ignored it as undesirable behavior I had no desire to "feed" with my own energy. Fi ended up downstairs with me, crying but quieter, and asked for some chocolate. I said "sure," and we enjoyed some peaceable good chocolate! That was some drama that did NOT need mama-attention, and it just feels so good not to be drawn into it!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Week Eight: new P&R

Hm, just realized a privilege that Fiora loves: having access to crayons and markers!
I'd love to have her earn them by clearing the table, putting away toys/books that are there or around there. We just started that today. She got distracted from heroriginal goal, but when I remembered and asked her if she still wanted crayons, she was very excited, "yes!" What a positive way to encourage her to help clean up.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Week Eight: P&Rs, more thoughts

Who knew I would think about this so much? I thought this week was going to be kindof like a vacation, since Fi is so young, but instead it's making me think about the contrast between how we express our expectations of and faith in her now and how that is similar and different to PoT's P&Rs.

Tonight, Fi was washing dishes, and she has had Spring Fever today - zoomies in the house, singing while in the sink, ready to do marathon dish washing. At any rate, it was getting messier and messier over there, and I finally told her it was getting too messy and took her off her stool. And I realized then that there it was, the responsibility (or lack of fulfilling it) becoming cause for punishment ('I'll take that away from you!!'), rather than the communication that perhaps her skills need to get a little better before she can wash for a long time and still keep it neat. It was so easy to slip from the former to the latter, with that realization, and I love the expression of faith that that little shift allows. I felt good about being Fi's mom when I spoke to her, instead of feeling like the bad cop.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Week Eight: Privileges and Responsibilities for a 2 year old

So, just realized that I'm going to have to remember to make the transition to inviting Fiora to specify what the responsibilities are for certain things, especially as she gets more articulate.

Which reminds me of another thing. Because, in the encouragement theme, we are encouraged to ask our kids questions, I settled down in front of Fiora the other evening and asked her what she did that day. It was something else to see how much she focused on the answering of that question - I loved it! And she was truly able to communicate something about her day. How cool! Now, hopefully I would've eventually done this anyway, but I wouldn't have done it now without PoT - I don't know, worried about frustrating her or something? Anyway, so glad to have started with this tool.

And did I mention that i tried using questions tonight while chatting with my husband, and we had the best conversation we've had in months and months?!?! Huzzah for questions and curiosity and connecting and listening!

Week Eight: Privileges and Responsibilities for a 2 year old - it's real

Okay, so Fiora, at two (and a quarter), is officially too young for proper privileges and responsibilities via Parenting on Track.

And yet, at a very basic level, she did an approximation of privileges and responsibilities this past week.

She's really keen on doing the stuff we adults do. One of the things we do that she's particularly interested in (it involves water, which is inherently fascinating) is wash dishes. So finally, we brought over her stool and let her mess around with some carefully selected dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. A day or two later, I noticed she was spilling so much water right in front of the sink that the counter was warping, so I emphasized to her that that area needed to stay dry. To be honest, I didn't really thing that would work, but though she did need several reminders, she's gotten progressively more precise with where the water goes. Then she started gunning the water, really turning the pressure up all the way. It gave me the jitters just to hear all that water pouring down the drain (ideas of waste, even though she was allowed to play with the water running for quite a while!). So I told her that I could not tolerate that, for me to feel comfortable with her playing/washing in teh sink, she needed to keep the water at a moderate flow. I didn't really think that would work either, but for 24 hours she was intently working on getting the water JUST RIGHT, and dang if she doesn't do a perfectly lovely job.

So, for now, she's earned her right to wash certain dishes in the sink. Next, to earn the right to put them in the drying rack! Well, I'm in no rush about that....

Even though Fi doesn't fit in the typical category of kids who really benefit from this, I'm still curious what her privileges are, so here goes:

Can feed the dogs treats (but not their raw food)
Can brush mama's hair (as long as she's gentle)
Can "wash" dishes and hands in the sink (after we check the sink for its contents, remove all skanky dishes and sharp or heavy objects) (as long as the water is run at a moderate pressures, and water is kept primarily inside the sink, and the water is turned off when she's done)
Can brush her own teeth (as long as she puts her cup and toothbrush back on the counter when she's done)
Can access the silverware drawer (as long as it's contents are kept neat)
Can access the refrigerator contents (as long as she shuts the door when she's done)
Can access the trashcan (as long as she shuts the cabinet door)
(Hm, perhaps I should use "may" instead of "can"...)
May sleep in a big girl bed (as long as she stays asleep)
May help mama with the laundry (as long as she "folds" the clothes with me)
May help parents with the cooking (as long as she respects the knives and hot things, and as long as she asks to do things before acting)

May watch some Wiggles or Blue's Clues on the internet (with permission; only once a day - hm, no responsibilities for this one!)
May go outside in the yard (doesn't do this much right now, in the winter; no responsibilities - maybe I should teach her to pick up dog poop!)
May eat meals from an adult chair (no responsibilities)
May eat meals without a bib (no responsibilites)
May access her own books (i wish she were responsible about putting them back...but we could do that)
May access her own toys (I wish she were responsible about putting them back...again something we could work on)

Wow, those are real lists! I didn't realize how we really do have expectations for what means she's allowed to do stuff. Or the contrast with those things that are not associated with responsibilities. I like the idea of thinking about this stuff, esp the second list, and maybe changing how we think about them, and how some of her books/toys are set up.