Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Time for Review

Looks like it's been a year since my last post, even though I had a lovely summer gathering with friends who are similarly motivated by Parenting on Track and travelling through the program once again. That has faded with the busy-ness of the school year (funny, that - seems like with school the house should be quieter), and perhaps the importance of the blog is back! I love how other people post about things to celebrate, and I like to do that, too. But I also find that writing here helps me focus on the things I want to do when relationships aren't going that well in our house. Like, today I've been noticing how disrespectful I can get towards my 6 year old; now, granted, she can whine like the dickens, but I can also ignore that and see spectacular results often...and when it doesn't work, there's often gluten or dairy involved, so really there's no reason to be pulling my hair out. But when I'm tired, or in pain (which is often), I've realized that it feels like I'm already multitasking to do any simple task (I'm not only doing the task, but also managing the feeling-badness), and having someone (anyone) ask me to do something (especially multiple times) tips me over the edge. But, when I look back on my day, I don't feel like I've lived up to my potential. At the same time, I've gradually learned that I can only push myself so hard before I push myself away from everyone around me. I can't just push myself through this. (But then, I'd never expect pushing to help anyone else connect...to themselves or others.) So I've been befuddled. And then tonight, I think back to the most amazing thing about starting down the Parenting on Track challenge. It was learning to let something feel so reactive, but not react. IT was taking a breath when things felt overwhelming,and then another one. And now I would add, remembering in that moment what I value in my relationships with my children; encouraging myself that I have a place in this relationship, and it's important; allowing myself to have a bad day, but exploring whether that means I have to be reactive, or if I can really let myself feel just as bad as I may feel and not push it away, maybe even have some compassion for myself, but also recognize that taking that moment for myself may be much better than reacting explosively to some beloved small one. It's encouraging just to write this. On a practical, detail-oriented level, F is having trouble doing her contributions right now. She has noticed that her 2 year old brother gets the computer sometimes without doing anything. I'm willing to explore whether R can be asked to do something (clean up a little) prior to the computer. But I'm wondering if F really feels like part of our team, she is so terribly resistant to doing contributions. Perhaps for another post.