Friday, April 30, 2010

Oh, and whining, and tantrums...

Another loss to the last month: awareness of how I respond to tantrums, or whining. Tantrums (usually at night, sometimes all day) I tend to get frustrated by, though I'm not sure what I've been doing. however, I HAVE been noticing that sometimes tantrums lead to us teaching her alternatives and then she gets what she wants. At some point that needs to transform to just ignoring undesirable behavior.

Fi's also been in a very demanding stage - ie, she demands a lot! "I need x!" is a common exclamation. DH has engaged in enlightening her to the difference between "want" and "need," but it appears to be eluding her at the moment. I've been choosing to request a questions rather than a demand, but I haven't been elucidating why very well. Still, when prompted, she does ask a great question, and her entire demeanor and voice changes completely when she does! Still, how to embody a typical response to a command? Just ignore it? Do a little more conscious teaching, and then start ignoring it? I have to say, when I TELL Fiora I'm not coming back in teh room, or we're not going to talk to her any more tonight because it's sleep time, it's easier for me to commit to it. Good for me as well as her. Laugh at her and tell her I don't respond to commands from a family member? I like that idea, but the truth is, of course, I WOULD in a stressful situation where commands were appropriate, or in a play situation where it's fun. I don't even know how to elucidate the difference between a question and a command. Besides that one feels respectful. But that word kindof gets me all tensed up. I suppose the simplest thing is that I don't feel like doing something if she demands or commands it.

It's kindof tough, too, to gauge her vocabulary skills and ability to differentiate. I know one of my weaknesses is a tendency to break connection, to stonewall, to step away as "punishment," and I'm struggling to have authority and make my own decisions without feeling like I'm disconnecting.

I suppose I'd feel more honest about it if I were more aware of how many commands I give Fiora. Of course, I don't think I do it much! I ask her lots of questions. And I want to be able to set boundaries, but that's more about bounds than commands.... Anyway, another thing to observe.

So much to think about....

Well, I'm finally off the compulsive organizing need to stay aligned with which week we're in - the momtv exposition of Parenting on Track is done. Thanks so much, Vicki, life with family is so much more of an adventure than it was before, rather than a series of stress and calm!

That said, I'm noticing a lot of stuff (and I'm ever so glad to be noticing it), stuff that I'm noticing because of the tools I've been given, and given a chance to develop, though PoT. I'm just going to purge myself of these observations that have been bouncing around - get ready for a long post!

Tonight, I put Fiora to bed. She was SO tired, and yet SO all over the place. When we went to brush teeth, she ended up playing with the rag and trying to get toothpaste out but not brushing her teeth. When we went to put on pajamas, she wanted to bounce on her crib. When it was time to read her book, she wanted to keep trading it back and forth (though, now that I think about it, that may have been because, while I think of it as we read the book 3 times (yes, we're still doing that! We could back it off to 2 times, I guess, but I kindof like seeing the permutations we get this way. On the other hand, when she's tired it's a joke, she can't even pretend to read when she's too tired! It's kindof cute, really.... Anyway, to her perspective, it may be that SHE didn't get to read it twice, because we started with me.). Alas, I think _I_ was ALSO tired. The only way I avoided the rabbit hole tonight was by choosing not to argue or fight with her. I think I was permissive, and I could feel myself hungering to explore the "firmness" side of things, but I didn't feel up to doing it properly. Plus I was thinking of Lori's joyful bedtimes when she didn't expect things to go a specific way, so...I just let it go. And this DID give me some lovely moments of calm, just being in the room and not DOING anything while she jumped like an acrobat on her crib. Looking back, did I really need to force tooth brushing, or pj routine? I don't know, I don't want to force them, I think we were both pretty tired. Next time, no distractions allowed at the sink (ie, clean it up)! Oooh, and I could move the crib over so she can't climb into it (though she'd love to push it back over to the bed)...or put it in another room...or make jumping officially part of bedtime.... :)

I've been worried that I'm a permissive parent. We're starting to notice more and more that Fiora CAN do certain things, but chooses not to. Chooses not to put her nice hat away (ie, off the floor), chooses not to bring her dish from the table.... On the other hand, she's more and more inclined to get her silverware, and ours if she notices (gotta encourage that!); VERY quick to get her own bowl or cup if she's hungry or thirsty; and has put her dirty laundry away with requesting a few times; will put her hat up if encouraged/asked (sometimes); and will sometimes clean up to gain access to a movie (though DH does most of the movie showing, and he's not using this technique much if at all). Anyway, I tend to feel a little victimized/frustrated when things aren't going the way I'd like, and that does anything but help me find and acknowledge my own authority! Again, just noticing feels like a starting point. i like the idea of having expectations for contributions and caring for herself and the family, AND finding ways to do that non-judgmentally.

I've been focusing on a lot of things in our life outside relationships lately (finding the perfect desk for work, which has seemed impossible, but finally worked out today! Getting the energy audit for the house, and then responding in a timely fashion to get rebates. Working out the details for how to go on a road trip from CT to GA with a toddler and 2 dogs, and then go camping before heading home again! The upcoming changes in our budget with DH's job change, which came close to being just a job loss, which would've been acceptable but tough), and I think it shows. not many blogs here, not a lot of visualization of what I'm looking for, or percolating, or committing to the moment with those I love - presence, as one blogger writes.

Our family meetings have been interesting. I want to prioritize them, DH is okay if they are forgotten, even though he supports them, so they still feel a little uncommitted to and unappreciated to me - weird, since they start witha ppreciations. I might need an appreciation board for a few weeks after we get back. Last family meeting was really telling: we rushed getting into it so Fiora wouldn't walk away. I don't like doing that. I'd rather have a family meeting and if she doesn't want to be there, that's okay (without being all "so be it!" and pushing her away), we'll hold a space for her. We'll do appreciations with each other, and really get into it, you know? might have to work harder to get her there the next few times, though, because...well, Bri and I give our appreciations, then we prompt Fi to say thank you, because we don't know what else to do. And last time, Fiora chose to get down after that. I think she didn't get why she was saying thank you, and didn't like being asked when she didn't understand it, didn't like being prompted. And I don't blame her! So, I'd really like to give her the space and time to come up with something of her own next time, and to explain it better. we also asked her if she wanted her money after she got down, and she said 'no' (love her responsiveness), and that was that!

Other family meeting problem: I was sick and tired of our house being a mess because DH was stressed out over impending end-of-job, and I made a sortof-request, sortof-demand about keeping the kitchen and dining room table clean. Success: I DID state the problem first. Failure: I didn't give anyone else the space to make suggestions. Bleh. Wasn't a 'good' interaction (nor did it work!!).

On a really positive side, a few days ago I was at work, and we had a client whom I just couldn't read (my staffmember described him as "playing his cards close to his chest"). It was making me feel awkward, and I was drawing away from real interaction and into effective but distant work. And then, I noticed it. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but I NOTICED IT. And I didn't HAVE to turn away from it. And instead, I kindof chose to be curious about what it meant, what was going on what I was having trouble reading...and instantly my comfort in the room came back. I don't know if the client noticed, but MY sense of that moment was much better, and I was much more content. so cool.

And finally, another moment with family that made me feel like a kid, sympathize with kids again: I talked to my brother. *sigh* He NEVER asks me how I feel about something, never is curious about my process, ONLY asks me what I'm doing - I feel like he's grilling me! (And its not just me, other people notice this, too.) It was weird, though, I found myself identifying why it was so unsatisfying to talk with him - I was really trying to find some way to connect. Looking back, though, I don't think I asked HIM any specific questions (though historically, he has kindof stonewalled specific questions, or turned them aside, not offering anything much), and I could at least start changing our pattern by doing that. Certainly the conversation we had, while intellectually interesting, wasn't satisfying enough to prevent me from trying another approach! And perhaps telling him he matters would be big, too, since we were so distant from each other as kids...ai.

Hm, now should I post this on the PoT forum....?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Out of control in a bad way

Terrible bedtime tantrums. I suspect it's related to the fact that she's been getting to sleep too late and Bri's been crazy tense about work. And perhaps to the recent chicken pox party we attended, if something's coming on. Also had a Lyme titer taken at the pediatrician's (we live in CT), nothing back yet. and of course we have several courses of tantrum right now because she's learned to climb out of her crib and is sleeping in a low bed (keeping the gate across her door so she can't come out, but Bri keeps going to her to put her back in bed instead of letting her figure it out herself that it's not social time).

My ideal roadmap: Bri to change his job. I get the results from the pediatrian, even if they are only partial (will call tomorrow). Fi goes to bed at 7pm (started that tonight). Talk to Bri about letting her get up and cry about not wanting to go to bed if she chooses to, but not interacting with her

on the upside, the bedtime routine was great tonight. My back was killer painful this weekend, spending loads of time in bed just to stay sane. And surprisingly enough, Fiora decided my bed was the playzone of choice. It was really pretty fun. We made up games on the bed: hiding from Nimbletoes the poodle or from monsters under the covers, having her climb the mama-knee mountain and making them collapse under her, sitting between my legs which were under the covers and making that space a boat that was rolling on rough waters - much imagination and fun. And then tonight, I suggested she get her notebook, and she got Bri's help to find her notebook, brought it back to the bed and colored beside me while I did my prep for work tomorrow. (now my work notes have some monster drawings :) )

It's funny how feeling sick, which makes me slow down so much, always seems to reveal to me things about my daughter.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Week nine, part IV: Problem Solving

Such neat stuff, this problem solving. It would be so tempting to be the judge, the mediator, the peacemaker, etc. One of my friends from grad school worked in day care, and they had a technique where they engaged the kids in problem solving when fights broke out - I was really empressed by that idea. PoT takes it even one step further, where the parent doesn't get engaged even in questioning, and take the process to a calmer time (how nice).

Anyway, we haven't engaged in this.

With Fiora.

i DID use it with my husband (blessed man). I was getting really angry about him leaving his stuff in our common areas, feeling the pressure that if I was cleaning, I'd also be cleaning up after him, and I have NEVER wanted to be anyone's maid! He's a turtle, he hates it when I get angry at him. So this time, I told him, "I have a problem. I don't like it when someone who is old enough to pick after themselves leaves things around in our common space. What do you think I should do?" Hm, could've just asked for suggestions, that sounds more communal and less "fix me." He still got upset, but I was much calmer about it. When I'm angry about something (and I'm grateful for my anger, for how it tells me what matters to me), I'm also always wanting him to acknowledge my emotion, and that's been tough for him to do, so we both end up feeling unsatisfied. THIS time, I was presenting a problem, not the emotion, and it was a lot easier for me to present my problem and not get tangled in his emotional response.

Thanks again, Vicki!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Week Nine, part IV: Being the child

Being with the in-laws is a real education in what it means to be in relationship with OUR child. We're the kids here, really, and sometimes it's easier to *feel* what works and doesn't work than to think about it.

Let me make something clear first. Our in-laws are really great. I'm only posting here about what they're teaching me.

So, the room is busy, and I'm trying to think of some stuff that's kindof subtle, so excuse me if it doesn't come out very clearly.

I'm noticing that sometimes conversation goes in a way that seems like it's real discussion, interesting sharing of ideas and observations, and I start to resent being in that conversation. What gives? And then I started to realize, it feels like the conversation is intended to "get me" to say or do certain things (not necessarily like real manipulation, more like subconscious expectations impinging on how our relationship is going), and I resent that! So, how would my child NOT feel the same sort of resentment? IT makes certain moments that I've experienced with her, and certain moments I've seen with other parents and their older children, make more sense. The conversation wasn't REAL, there wasn't real interest in what the other person was thinking or feeling.

I mean, wow. I'm discovering more and more of a desire for REAL conversation, and it's kindof exciting. And something I think I can take to conversations everywhere, not just with Fiora, but with anyone in my life.

Gonna go do that. ;) Or at least start.