DNSN - Expectations vs. Goals

That's right, not so much External Chaos, as seems the rule. Rather Internal Chaos (though sometimes I think that's my specialty anyways!).

Fiora was fine for DNSN. I was terrible! Short tempered, nasty... haven't been like that in a long time, and here I was saying impatient, pushy, judgmental things for 2 days in a row! Ever-forgiving DH didn't think much of it (bless him), but I was blown away. I think part of it was that I was suddenly expecting Fiora to do things on her things, things that i didn't push her on normally but encouraged her with...not necessarily terribly well, perhaps...and now my DNSN voice was actually, "You can do that on your own!" But not in a supportive way, more of a cut lose and have expectations way. And then it was like I had permission to get really irritated with her. It was not useful stuff. I suppose it told me that I'd really like her to do more things on her own and contribute more. The real clarity came from realizing that having expectations (rather than goals) can be toxic for my relationships!

As far as Fiora goes, I told her briefly that I was going to let her show me how much she could do this week, and she seemed quietly excited. And off she went! Taking off her clothes on her own (even a turtleneck), putting her dishes in the dishwasher (her idea to put them there, not the sink). Rather than reminding, or nagging, I practiced observing that dishes were on the table, or books were all over the floor, in a neutral but focused way. And it worked really well (at least for now).

The last observation: when I was being nasty, DH was doing more with Fi and he was reminding a LOT. Have yet to discuss this with him, since it didn't presist, but I realize now that if he does anything it's remind her over and over again, especially before leaving the house - perhaps this helps her (trouble with transitions sometimes), but _I_ found it irritating, so perhaps it's irritating her, too.

Oh, one last thing: I was picking up MORE this week than usual, even though Fi was helping put her dirty laundry away (and doing so quite well), using "as soon as" or direct requests or questions about where the clothes belong. I resisted for at least 5 days, but with the chaos of a DIY hearth project going on at the same time, we DID need space to walk. I think it's more because she's suddenly able to try on different outfits by herself.

Future: I had the suggestion to put more clothes where she can reach them so she can pick out her own outfits. I did this a little, putting some pants and shirts in a low shelf, and she LOVED it. But I didn't do it consistently - too much trouble! Would like to put a low hanging rod to hang some clothes on - that would make putting stuff down there easier, and she could learn about how to hang clothes and how to take them off. (The chest of drawers we have is too hard to open.)