Rollercoaster of life

Not externally - life is actually getting more reliable externally. But internally.

Today Fiora and I were not good with each other. My choice-making (what is my goal today? To sleep, which wasn't going to happen, or to have a good relationship with my daughter?), so well used on Wed, seemed to have run out when head-to-head with exhaustion, on both our parts. I couldn't even figure out how to engage in choice making today!! And yet...I mean, I acknowledge the reality of that, it's life sometimes, it gets away from us....and yet....I think I could've found the way to make the choice. Or next time, I could. It's just harder than I realized...and I feel it much more intensely in my heart, and I'm often not willing to go there...yet.

Anyway, on a less esoteric level, talked to my college roommate tonight, and during the conversation realized i knew a few more things about Fiora when she's tired and cranky. (cool) We already knew that (1) she has more trouble with transitions (so we try to prep her a bit more, when we're being savvy and she's tired/sick); (2) she wants to nibble more (hmmmm, that one was going to drive me crazy, but know what? I just realized the same thing about myself this week!!! So, guess I better figure out how to deal with it on my level before I pretend I can give any assistance there!!), rather than eating; (3) she is more absolute about what she wants, less able to be flexible, and really crashes hard if she doesnt get it - though I've stopped doing as much verbal acknowledgment of what she wants, maybe I should start doing that again - at least it's not arguing!

Ah, love our little girl. Took her blueberry picking two hours away in Massachusetts today, it was so beautiful. And, cool observation of the day for Capable Girl: we got home from our CSA this morning, and Fi was singing in the car showing no signs of getting out after I unbuckled her. So, I told her I'd be in the house, took the groceries, and in I went. A few minutes later, I heard the basement door shut solidly - she had gotten out of the car, closed the car door, let herself into the house, and shut the door behind her - hurrah!!!

And tonight, I gave mental thanks to blogger Lori and ? (can't remember who posted about the clocks made of old vinyl records??), because Fiora was playing with her toys when we usually read a book before bed...and Lori's stories of her bedtime with A made it easy for me to ask Fiora if she wanted to play or read. She wanted to play. I told her bedtime would be when the big clock hand pointed to the 5 (showed that to her), and I read the book aloud, and it was so chill and nice. And right before the clock hand was at 5, Fiora was In Charge, deciding where she would sleep - so funny and cute AND capable!! Thanks, y'all, for the astoundingly valuable support AND for the great ideas!!

Proud Mama

Today was a great day. Much better than it had any right to be.

First off, we were starting from a night where I spent one hour sleeping in my bed after a day filled with pain (nasty virus, sore in all my joints) and at work; then 6 slightly broken hours in Fiora's toddler bed after she fell out of bed and could not be comforted. Secondly, I was (and still am) recovering from that nasty virus.

But the good news? I'd just written a post that touched on dealing with days when I feel tired and sick. So I was ready.

And I made myself proud. Woke up, felt the tug towards the habitual self-pity and mild resentment of others who don't have it as bad as I do right now (ie, beloved spouse, possibly child and pets), recognized that it was not terrifically enjoyable or useful behavior, and decided to make a choice about my goal for today. (That's where the resistance was.) I chose that my vision, my goal for today was to build my relationship with Fiora.

And the whole day lightened. I was SO MUCH less stressed than I typically am on a day like today, even though I'd think that my primary goal was the one I just typed and chose! In reality, on deeper investigation, it was more like "don't feel bad," and negative goals just don't work anyway. Had to reconfirm to this goal once when I started feeling really exhausted...but when I did, the exhaustion passed, and didn't return....

Did I get as much done as I would on a day filled with plans? Probably not - no hook picked up for the hammock; no pickles or zucchini bread made; no laundry done; no house-cleaning performed.

But on the other hand - after 3 years at our house, Fiora and I found a place to hang the hammock; Fiora helped blow up her first clown-style balloon, and worked with her first batch of clay; I prioritized in a way that allowed me to eat a freshly grilled (and delicious!) lunch with my husband; during Fiora's nap, I wasn't exhausted, and I ended up weeding the garden...and it wasn't even a chore, just something I felt like doing on a lovely day; we went to see dog-owner friends at the local off-leash park (which I hadn't been to in at least 8 months) where the dogs had a ball and Fiora waded deeper than I've ever seen her go and I got to see old friends; and we followed that by a trip to the local lake-beach, at Fiora's insistence, where instead of going in the lake, swimsuit-clad Fiora led us through some forest trails. Such good adventures, such a lovely day....

And intermittently through the day, Fiora lit up when she had chances to be capable. Made up her own song while clearing the breakfast table, took the initiative to throw away the empty soy milk container, almost beat me to putting my own dish away! Insisted her father not help her get rags to clean up her spilt milk at dinner. And (loved this!) washed a whole sink full of dishes while I was prepping dinner! Used soap and rinsed - I've NEVER seen her so intent and full of purpose. No one asked, she just dragged her stool over and started up. :)

So, while I fear that I may take advantage of the blog to post every little thing Fiora does that amazes me...it's such fun to do it!!! I think I don't hear enough of these stories! Though perhaps I'll put a warning like "proud mama moment" or "Celebration" on them....! All the best to everyone.

Hurrah, more Buttons to Explore!

Well, I'm not officially assessing Buttons at this time, but some other Parenting on Track moms are, and some buttons have come to my attention that really begged for digging deeper (love that about Buttons), so here we are.

A: Getting lost - yes, physically lost, as when driving the car or walking in the state park.
B: If I don't have outside direction, there is nothing remaining for me to turn to. I have no internal compass, nothing internally to rely on that will actually work.
C: Hence, I get pretty unstrung, irritable, poor direction, whining, wanting to be rescued (and yet reluctant to ask others for help) - ooh, I'm a rotten person to be around!!
D: Perhaps...I do have an internal compass, I'm just not used to tuning in to it or listening to it or trusting it, or trusting that I can be okay without external guidance.
Perhaps...it's okay to be exploring sometimes as an experience, without knowing where I'm going.
Perhaps...getting lost doesn't reflect on my worth as a person so much as it reflects my familiarity with the territory.
And perhaps...other people don't judge me harshly just because I got lost. Perhaps I'm not so much letting others down as sharing the experience of life.
E: Can't remember what this is supposed to be....ah, encourage myself, this CAN happen.

This reminds me of my previous button about losing things. Definitely a button. I've gotten a lot better about being able to focus on finding things when I lose them, and much much better at actually finding them - such a joy, just with the dissection of the belief that losing things was so bad! And such a joy to see Fiora use our games to try to find things when she doesn't know where they are. :)



A: When I'm sick and/or tired, it's hard to have a strong vision or follow the roadmap. I'm kindof proud of being self-aware enough that I've been noticing how much being sick or tired affects my attitudes, my generosity, my patience, etc. And yet, it seems like time to move beyond this.
B: When I'm sick and/or tired, I don't have the energy to find my roadmap, to offer my best to those around me. In fact, the energy/vibe that I do have is pretty bad and not the sort that I want to be sharing around by connecting well...and when I try, and I'm honest, I end up asking for help and support, and i don't want to do that too much (being an adult who grew up in a sick household, that can definitely happen too often; on the other hand, I like to be honest and Fiora loves helping me out in appropriate ways - bringing a glass of water - so I tend to think that doing that somewhat is fine, as long as I'm aware of what's happening and don't do it too much)
C: I'm either stoic and withdrawn (which Fiora hates!) or I'm whiny all day. Hate to model either for my child.
Okay, to be honest, sometimes I'm also still patient and creative, sometimes my MOST patient and creative. But it's inconsistent.
D: Even when I'm sick and/or tired, I still have good habits to fall back on, and Fiora has great habits to fall back on, she proves this over and over again. The more I apply myself to finding how to parent well from myself, the easier those habits will be to find even when sick and/or tired.
And, drawing from Maya Frost's blog (http://www.mayafrost.com/blog/2010/07/13/why-i-stopped-blogging-about-education/), it's quite possible that I've been living in the American model where the ACTUAL belief to consider dealing with is the belief that being busy and occupied is the secret to validation and worth and doing things "right". Creating more exhaustion and illness. This has been a niggling concern of mine, really brought to the front by her post (which Vicki's blog at http://www.parentingontrack.com/parenting-strategies/shifting-perspectives/ alerted me to). I remember being a little girl and refusing to get drawn into summer schools and the like because I wanted time to just drift in the backyard, hang out with the dogs, take in the day. I like Maya's point about slowing down enough to know what we want to do and what balance we want to strike; what responsibilities we really want to take on and which ones aren't important enough to superceed the living of life with attention.
When I'm sick/tired, it's worth spending the little extra time and energy to decide what I want my direction to be for the day.
E: I'm sure I'll have another chance to work on this, so go for it!

And, working from the idea that perhaps I create some of the exhaustion (rather than "life" creating it):
A: Having free time, with nothing scheduled.
B: Having free time is a sign that I'm not being productive. Not being productive means I'm worthless. I like Maya Frost's statement that Americans tend to proudly "wear the 'exhaustion' word like a badge of honor.... We use exhaustion as our way to claim that we are busy and therefore doing all the things that lead to success and happiness."
But also (sometimes valid), not having some sort of plan means our day tends to get bogged down and our relationship bogs down, too
C: I like having a plan for the day, a map for the park, a goal. Without that, I tend to get kindof antsy and neurotic, dare I say whiny? Because I can't figure out what to do, can't decide what's important to do, can't prioritize doing something.
D: Perhaps it's not so much about the plans every day as it is about having a Vision or a Goal for the day, and letting that lead us to certain places and choices
Perhaps free time lets our souls expand in ways that being busy doesn't....and helps us be better people, kindof like meditation does for me.
E: I can practice having visions or goals for my days rather than intense plans. Or even keeping my planning down to half a day.

As an add-on to this: I was thinking about this, and realized that on days that I'm sick and I have to go to work, i really DO find my vision at work, and it really keeps me going through the day in a good mindset. I worry a bit that I'm tapping out resources that need to work on helping me recover from my illness or exhaustion, but on the other hand, I think I end up the day feeling generally better about myself than on days that I wallow in the sense of exhaustion and illness. And I do have to find my "Vision" - I have my plan mapped out a day or two before the work day, but that's not enough to get me through the day.

Uninvested Mom

Dang, what happened today? Am I going through a transition of my own? Moody moody moody, watched myself model poor behaviors and had no clue what else to do, the vision was missing. (And boy, was that reflected in how long it took us to get out of the house today - we're NEVER this slow!!)

Granted, I was going on 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't get to sleep last night, and Fiora woke up around 5:30am, and I always wake up about 20' before she comes in the room. That definitely started the day off poorly. And then seeing Fiora wandering the house with dry cereal, and myself reling on The Wiggles to get a bit of rest in the hopes that I would be a better person for the day, actually just made me worse about the start of the day, know what I mean? I wish I could've stopped, apologized to everyone (husband, daughter, dogs), eaten ice cream in the morning and not felt bad about it, and moved on with a better goal.

I think my goal all day was just to not feel crappy. Bad goal. I did my best when I turned my goal to "clean kitchen sink," "make dinner and zucchini bread." Goals of small vision compared to "build good relationship with daughter," but enough to get my head out of its dark place, apparently. "Walk in woods with daughter and dogs" - too bad I forgot to check the map of the park so I wouldn't get lost, creating a thirsty, tired mom and child, though we did see a lot of awesome forest and the dogs were thrilled to be outside hiking for so long and Fiora really got to show me both that she knew her new shoes weren't for walking in the water with and that she could get them on and off with just a little help (requested) - ooh, discovering another Button of Getting Lost.

Goddess, just writing those few things changed my whole memory-mood for the day!! Let me riff on that and mention that Fiora did also get the orange juice out of the fridge on her own when she decided she wanted some juice this morning with breakfast, realized she couldn't pour it and brought the whole heavy thing right to me with the request for assistance - how could I not have been impressed with that? And she put more dirty dishes onto the counter or sink than I've ever seen her do before in a single day. And when she wanted to take a nap with me in the "big bed," I said okay as long as she could stay quiet (since big bed is often a playground for Fiora!), and she actually achieved that for a long time for her - never did that before - and then when she got restless, she got up quietly and went into her own room! Only ten minutes or so later did she come and loom over me with a big grin (and yes, she can loom, we have no bedframe at the moment). Even then, she waited for my eyes to open before whispering to me! How considerate SHE was all day! Even after I said "yes, I thought I was awake", she still gave me a kiss - which is my request for how she can wake me up, and I love it.

Capable Girl

Wow, feels like the last few days things have really fallen together.

Tonight at dinner, I piped up about helping Bri set the table (he was cooking). He did the plates, I was getting drinks, and Fiora was excited about dinner and got herself a fork. I asked her if she would get forks for us, and then Bri repeated the question (when she seemed distracted), and she said "Yes!" and proceeded to get us some fabulous spoons. I love how proud she was, and how intent on the feat she was doing for us. She pointed it out to me, and I said, "Great! now how about some forks?" "Ohhhh..." and she proceeded to get us some forks, too. I was so impressed with her ability to help us. Brian tried to correct her early on (spoons versus forks), and it might have worked if he hadn't been so tired and a little edgy - as it was, she chose to ignore him, and it worked out fine. In fact, she tried eating her pasta with a big spoon (and presumably discovered how difficult it was - we'll see if she gets spoons again next time).

She also chose to join us for blessing...it used to "push my buttons" a little that she didn't want to join us, to hold hands, but I've been able to let that go more and include her (in my heart) in the blessings anyway, and yet it was such fun to have her join us.

We're just getting better together. Tonight she wanted to play with my Lush face cleaner, and instead of getting frustrated about noodling, I said we could do that after brushing our teeth. And I meant it. We had a good time playing and cleaning our skin for a big 5 minutes. I even wet towels for her to rinse herself off with, and restrained myself from helping for a little while - she mentioned how she cleaned herself off - again, proud of how capable she is! We both are.

Tonight she showed me two things I hadn't realized: she found our yummy and newly ripe cherry tomatoes in the garden (and proceeded to gobble them up - and just 6 months ago she wouldn't eat a tomato!); and there's a hole in the bottom of our food processor pusher-bit. Who knew? This last she discovered when she insisted on helping to wash dishes after dinner! I was so enjoying her help at setting the table that I let her help wash - even though it was past her bedtime pretty seriously. Again, we had a good time. She voluntarily brought her plate in the from the dining room table (never done that - we only ask at breakfast as a rule) - I knew it was going to be a mess (plate full of spaghetti with pesto and the water she poured on it), which it was in two locations - one I put a towel on, the other I handed her a towel for, and we cleaned up. It was okay. The plate and spaghetti DID make it into the sink!

She really wanted to go back to the garden to pick the tomato plant clean,but I managed to entice her with my argument for checking the tomato plants on the deck. Where we found 2 more - whoo hoo! (Especially the black cherry tomato, I've been waiting for that one!!) However, her desires were clear to her, and she ended up going BACK out front to the garden and picking that tomato plant clean after all. DH was a bit irritable with her, but I hadn't told her she couldn't do that, I'd just distracted her, so I couldn't be angry at her. And she did eat them all!

Tonight we snuggled and she told me about her day (mixed up with the story I'd just read her). When I moved to leave, she asked me to stay, and I ended up giving her a big hug and telling her I love her...and then remembering the Four Big C's, I told her how much she counts, and I was able to really mean it with all my heart (for at least a few seconds)...she gave a big sigh, and rolled over, ready to sleep on her own

Some days are so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Thanks Vicki as always for helping us find our way here.

Observations..and Being a Toddler

I was walking the dogs tonight, after reading some PonT blogs (always inspiring to me). And my big dog, Nimbletoes, was pulling some, so I did a correction that has slowly been allowing him to decide to choose some things other than pulling. And I realized something. I have more power than I sometimes think. When I make that correction from a place of irritation (a stronger correction, undoubtably), i swear that he pulls more. When I make that same physical move from a place of desire to communicate, without any judgment on his speed of learning or his willingness to place my desires over his own, I swear he responds more creatively and more sensitively (over the ongoing course of the walk). Not to mention that I feel more connected with him and our surrounding world at the same time.

It puts me in mind of something else. This morning Fiora and I were getting ready to take the trash to the transit station. I made the observation that she would need some shoes before we left. It wasn't nagging, and it didn't feel like interfering, just an observation. I didn't really expect it to do anything but perhaps make the future shoe-finding more focused. Tossed some trash in the car, fussed with it a bit, and turned around...to find Fiora had gone inside, found her boots, put them on, and come back outside. So capable, this girl. :) I gotta say, she wowed me a bit. And I was a bit unsure whether to celebrate or to graciously accept her feat - the latter came more naturally to the moment, so I did that, but I swear she had a spring in her step all the same! Being capable makes her feel so big.

And here's a biggie: Fiora is teaching me SO MUCH about myself. I am a toddler at heart.

Food texture aversion? Check - bokchoy and dark green that aren't cooked to death are too fibrous which makes them YUCKY; slimy okra, of course, could make me vomit, as can eggplant seeds; and a non-crispy apple or soft toast? What's the point?

Difficulty leaving the house? Check - prior to Fiora, my trick was to move fast - grab the wallet and the keys and I'm out of the house. If I didn't do that, I would (what else?) noodle! Yep, find things to distract me...there was something comforting about not HAVING to leave, about beating the clock by messing about, about avoiding feeling (here's something key I just realized) EXTERNAL pressure to move. It was torture my first baby-year, slowing down and training myself to pack a whole diaper bag and check a diaper before I left the house. But that training of myself has made me much better about checking in with MYSELF about my priorities before leaving the house, and I'm a lot better about bringing the right stuff with me now and about managing my time. That external pressure? Well, leftover from not learning to depend upon myself for direction and choices as a child, I suppose - so glad to be doing PonT for Fiora (and us).

Fighting external authority? Check - I couldn't even bear to have a timer or a clock for our child, it made me feel so tense to have something outside ourselves telling us what to do. Again, something has shifted about that. I just bought a clock (as recommended on another blogger's post!), and it arrived today and I'm excited to show Fiora what bedtime and awake time look like (though it may take her a while to learn to tell time, I realize!).

Trouble with transitions? Check - I used to throw mini-tantrums when my parents told me it was time for a bath! Not that I didn't like baths. I liked baths a lot. But I couldn't bear to leave whatever it was that I was doing (often reading). This was such a big deal that often my diary entries would consist of "I HATE BATHS!" over and over. Even though I didn't really, once I was in one (in fact, again, I would stay forever rather than make a hasty transition!!). Poor Fiora, Brian also does fairly poorly at transitions....

Trouble going to bed in a timely fashion? Check - until this year, I would literally push myself to stay awake for hours past when I felt tired, reading or on the computer or "noodling" about. When I started to check in, I realized that I felt pretty lousy during those late hours; and when I checked in more, I realized that I felt pretty tense, like Fiora gets when she's up too late (though I find her easier to read than myself!). Who knew? I always thought of "being tired" as when I couldn't read anymore...but that was more like exhausted. No wonder that when I tried to go to bed early I had trouble falling asleep - I was constantly sleep deprived. Finally have myself on a much healthier sleep schedule (though Fiora still dislikes going to bed intensely many nights!).

Tendency to eat too many sweets? Check - the only benefit I've found from that is that I can say out loud how lousy I feel when I eat too many sweets (Bri's homemade cookies are to DIE for...and easy to grab for a snack, sad to say....)...and hopefully fiora will also see me start to eat less and less of them *crossing my fingers*

The excellent thing about this? As I'm learning how many ways I am like a toddler, I'm learning ways to manage those issues (or perhaps shift my attitude towards them), and it's such a win-win thing - helps me with Fiora, and helps plain ol' me!

Percolations and Connection

Don't know what to call this post yet, as it seems the percolation of a couple of processes. Wed was my weekday off, and I was spending the day with Fiora, of course. And I started noticing things. Maybe this was brought on by my revelation about community, so I was looking for things to be a little more connected than I used to believe possible...not sure. But what I started noticing was that even when I thought I was connecting with her, when my brain analyzed and said, "that's a connecting thing to do, to engage with her in conversation, to listen to her stories and ask questions, to tell her stories, to draw with her, to invite her to help with the cooking," there was still a disconnect. Part of what clues me in to this is her response, of course, though it's hard to articulate just what that is...just not melting into me, though she tries to sometimes? Anyway, it was fascinating, and revelatory; uncomfortable, and yet somehow very comforting to be able to sit with a see it...because it gives me hope that we can get somewhere better.

And then just today, driving along, something clicked. Exactly like what happened after I first learned about the 4 Big C's, when I realized I had to allow myself to count before I could really tell my husband/dogs/child that they count to me, I realized that when I'm not connecting well to myself, it's impossible for me to connect well to anyone else.

DAMN, how do I do that? Well, nobody said this was going to be easy....!