Week Seven: Flashback again to the Crucial C's

During the momTV session two weeks ago, Vicki challenged us with this (or something similar enough that this is what I wrote down): how will we know that we are sending these messages (you are capable. you count. you have courage. connect...er, that's a mutual thing I guess) to our kids?

I like that question. It takes my mind out of making a list of things I can do, and makes me pay attention with my heart, to the signals my child is giving.

Despite that beauty, I'm also finding keys to these things for Fiora.
capable: give her space (and time) - she finds many of the opportunities on her own!
count: well, this is something I still tell her with words
courage: this is something I'm working on finding as a positive thing for her - that frustration and failure can be great things to experience in the safety of our home, and wonderful challenges to rise to
connect: i have to mentally drop all the other crap from my mind that keeps me from being in the moment, and know that my top priority is to connect to my child. Oddly, the other thing that helps with this is going to my zen mind (I did zen for three years in Chicago, blessed be) and detaching from any outcome or any label.

Week Seven: Remembering the Crucial C's

I mentioned in the last post that we went shopping, way too late in the day, for a month's worth of groceries, while we were all sick with the latest and greatest upper respiratory virus. Not something that looked to be fun, and I was all inward and protecting myself from even the thought of what would happen. And then, I realized that sucked even more than just being sick and doing stuff. So instead, I started vaguely thinking about the four crucial c's and using my awareness of them to guide my choices with my husband and child. I can't tell you about anything in specific, but it did brighten the trip. The mild increase in challenge wasn't enough to make me more tired after the trip, either.

It's so worth the effort.

Week Seven: Helping our power child in transitions

So cool. I haven't been able to stop myself from mentioning here and there how Fiora's (and our) problems with transitions have become more and more transparent, now that I know to look for them. And I think it has really helped Brian and I work together as a team better. Today, even though we are all three sick with yet another upper respiratory virus and felt lousy and tired, and even though we left to do our big monthly shopping way later than is ideal, we were both pitching in to give Fiora acceptable choices that helped her stay in a positive place (capable). I even got her to help us do some of the shopping, which she's never really done before (capable and content). And she helped us unpack some when we got home. I guess the thing that strikes me the most is that my husband actually seemed much less stressed now that he has some sense of how Fiora enjoys doing things (when she's not helping, she much more the wild child!).

Giving her choices and asking for her help are the biggest things for helping her get through transitions that she doesn't want to enter. When she started screaming at naptime (mama's dictum), I asked if she wanted to help pull her blinds down, and man, she really pulled herself together to do that! It was such an obvious struggle for her to overcome her sense of being upset at not being able to choose what came next in her day, but she is so thrilled to do things that SHE worked to overcome that emotion. I would've never guess that it would be SUCH a powerful tool to let her DO and learn things!

She is awfully capable. :)

Week Seven: Encouragment in action

No real stories, but I like this encouragement. I haven't said "good job" in days. "You did it" fits there so nicely. I'm even saying that on the evening dog walks, and it's phenomenal how much more I feel like I'm part of a team when I do that. Can't tell you what the dogs think, and we'll have to see what the longterm responses are.

It's such a relief to put aside praise. I thought it was easy, and I guess it is, but it never felt "right."

Ecouragement fits right in there with the crucial C's. When I respond to Fiora's deeds using observation or questions, right away there's this chance to connect. To be honest, I think those moments used to intimidate me. But with the background that doing this work has given me (through Parenting on Track - especially really doing the crucial C's, for Fiora and the dogs and for me), I'm finding it more and more fun to look for that connection.

Haven't really worked on the encouragement angle at work yet. Things are going pretty smoothly there. I like the idea of asking questions to let other people solve their problems, so will keep that in mind.

Week Seven: Sleeptime roadmap take 2

Time for a new roadmap! We've reached the goal of not crying/tantruming at least sometimes (most of the time), and that's great. Now instead she dawdles on her book. This feels like a power move on her part...this girl LOVES calling the shots! She'll get creative and start to play imaginary games with me, too. On the one hand, I appreciate all her creativity and resourcefulness, but on the other hand, shes not internally moving towards sleep (that I can tell).

It definitely helps to assert a little power here, the power of clear boundaries and of not engaging in any conflict-like behaviors: no books taken to bed (tends to drag things out), no water breaks (she has a water bottle in bed), just repeating that it's bedtime now in a calm, assertive fashion. Can that help with noodling? Maybe it'll just take time to have her adapt to the one book rule. Maybe we'll start just doing one read through by adult and one by child, so it's predictable It's tough, 'cause none of this (besides a timer or clock) really deals with noodling directly.Sometimes I'll talk about what we'll do tomorrow. I've thought about a timer, or telling her when the clock is at such-and-such a position it's bedtime, even if the book isn't finished, but I'm not really sure yet. Maybe she'll like knowing what's coming, but it seems like it could just make her feel tense and rushed (it can do that to me!). I'm aiming for more of a sense of flow. Just know that the roadmap is still on the table.

Maybe for now, make bedtime a time to connect (since she loves to tell stories more than be read to, maybe finish not with her reading a book, but with telling her a story about Fiora's day and our plans for tomorrow), to let her know she counts (hmmmmm), to tell her how much I admire how capable she is (at sleeping), and to admire her courage at finding ways to engage with bedtime/sleeptime (she objects to the lullaby, but maybe a simple nighttime prayer).... And celebrate in the morning what a great sleeper she is (erm, notice it?). In this case, I really do feel pulled to put value on sleep! Gosh, I loved rewording this in terms of the 4 crucial C's.

in some ways, I'm not sure we're any better off than we were before, when we just put her to bed with some screaming and wailing and no process! (She still slept well.) Well, okay, no, it's nice to have less drama, but I'm still thinking about how good sleep is, and finding ways to help her embrace it. May not happen, but I'm gonna keep talking about it with/around her!

Addendum: Last night, Fiora read her book then said, "Your turn!" So sweet. I let her read it again after I read it to her (she stayed engaged, I asked her questions and tried to keep my zen mind about me), and she noodled a bit but we'd started early so I didn't mind. After she was done (hurrah! You finished the book!), I talked to her about what we'd done yesterday, and our plans for tomorrow, and she rested her head on my shoulder by the time her bed was ready...surrendering to sleep before she was in bed. :) Baby steps, baby steps.

As an aside, I gotta say this approach is helping me assess my OWN life so much (I think I've mentioned this before ;) ). I didn't sleep well night before last. I was wired when I went to bed, even though it was a little late, and then I woke up around 2am. Thinking back to what I did last night: ate fresh chocolate cake that Brian had just taken out of the oven, topped with vanilla ice cream. "Forgot" to eat that salad I had planned on luxuriating in. Yeah, i don't want to do that again! I woke up exhausted, though recharged in the idea of helping Fiora get all the sleep she needs - it's been a lousy morning as a tired person! I'm sure I've eaten lousy food right before bed before, but I've never bothered to NOTICE what I was doing, or how I was responding. And today I'm still tired, but I realize that recovering from sleep loss doesn't happen in one night. Gotta say, it DOES feel good to have the potential to keep this lousy tired feeling from happening.

Week Seven: More mama tantrums...

Man, some of my buttons are NOT relationship-driven. One of them is losing things. Once they're lost, I'm CONVINCED I can not find. When I do, it's definitely a fluke. Of course, at the same time my mental outlook becomes completely black. It was amazing watching this happen today when I couldn't find my car keys (best bet now is that they fell out of my coat pocket while I was walking/running the dogs in the snow last night - I wouldn't have heard much if they fell in this wet snow, and now they'd be in a plowed snowbank somewhere - don't think we haven't been out to look!). And I didn't know what to do about it. Though at least there was a small victory in the choice NOT to yell at Fiora when she was flailing about screaming that she didn't want to be put on my back (in the carrier) for the walk around the neighborhood to look for them (once the transition was done, as always, she was completely peaceable and capable of conversing again, and she quickly took a lovely nap back there); I just took a deep breath and persisted in putting her up there, didn't apologize for my choice, told her again that it was important for me that she be back there today. That does feel kindof good (though largely overshadowed!).

So...
A: Losing something
B: I am totally incapable of rescuing myself from this situation.
I can never find things once they are misplaced.
I am not a capable person, I am a useless person no matter how hard I try.
C: I wallow in the throes of frustration
I snap at my beloved family, I whine in frustration, I make it difficult to help me
D: Everyone loses things
It can be hard to find things, especially when one is convinced one can't find them
E: Forgive myself for losing things. Over and over again, as many times as I need to. That may be the only way to snap myself out of it. It's the only thing I can think of right now. Who knows where this originated from, but it's definitely useless behavior, and I'd rather start to step away from it.

Right now, husband is rescuing me, and I am grateful. We will get keys tomorrow.

Week Seven: Relationships

So, here are the two personal stories I've been wanting to share. There's not much in the way of real stories about them, really, and not much in the way of "results" the way we usually look at them, but they were powerful moments that mean much more to me as a sign of results in the way we're interacting.

The first was with my poodle. He's the one who chases our beloved cat. Yesterday he stood in the hallway (the power point of the house, where 4 rooms/hallways/stairs cross) while the tabby walked through - dog stared, but didn't show any aggressive body signs. Now, this isn't exactly unusual. For some reason Catterpault is much more vulnerable to attracting aggression when he's sitting still than when he's walking around. Not that it keeps him from socializing with us - he's a brassy, wonderful cat. At any rate, rather than using my "power voice" to get Nimbletoes to lie down, I found myself sinking down on my knees in appreciation of his moments of self-control, and telling him sweet nothings, and he sank his head into my chest and I gave him a shoulder massage (his favorite, but not something he gets often). It was lovely. He followed me around all morning, we were in a good place. I want to do it again.

Of course, that night he was all eyes for the cat (!), and we did have to ask him to lie down and self-restrain. But I find myself looking for times to deepen our relationship, and my chance to admire him (especially in the presence of the cat).

The second was with my daughter. As I've mentioned before, she doesn't really like to be read to. I thought that might be a power thing, but I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't feel connected to. I thought the offer to read was connection enough, but I may be wrong. Haven't had a chance to explore that yet. At any rate, last night she was watching The Wiggles right before bed (still went to bed smoothly), and I slipped over on the sofa to sit with her. Normally that's all I do, and she's not terribly responsive. Last night, I realized this as I shifted over and no connection like I was (and have always) imagined happened. And I shifted my focus to just "being" with Fiora, to sharing her space and appreciating her presence (who knows what my focus was before, to do the right thing or something)...and by the gods, she knew it. She glanced at me, and then shifted her body right back so she was resting up against me. It was such a sweet moment to be part of.

Did I say I love this stuff?