Observations..and Being a Toddler

I was walking the dogs tonight, after reading some PonT blogs (always inspiring to me). And my big dog, Nimbletoes, was pulling some, so I did a correction that has slowly been allowing him to decide to choose some things other than pulling. And I realized something. I have more power than I sometimes think. When I make that correction from a place of irritation (a stronger correction, undoubtably), i swear that he pulls more. When I make that same physical move from a place of desire to communicate, without any judgment on his speed of learning or his willingness to place my desires over his own, I swear he responds more creatively and more sensitively (over the ongoing course of the walk). Not to mention that I feel more connected with him and our surrounding world at the same time.

It puts me in mind of something else. This morning Fiora and I were getting ready to take the trash to the transit station. I made the observation that she would need some shoes before we left. It wasn't nagging, and it didn't feel like interfering, just an observation. I didn't really expect it to do anything but perhaps make the future shoe-finding more focused. Tossed some trash in the car, fussed with it a bit, and turned around...to find Fiora had gone inside, found her boots, put them on, and come back outside. So capable, this girl. :) I gotta say, she wowed me a bit. And I was a bit unsure whether to celebrate or to graciously accept her feat - the latter came more naturally to the moment, so I did that, but I swear she had a spring in her step all the same! Being capable makes her feel so big.

And here's a biggie: Fiora is teaching me SO MUCH about myself. I am a toddler at heart.

Food texture aversion? Check - bokchoy and dark green that aren't cooked to death are too fibrous which makes them YUCKY; slimy okra, of course, could make me vomit, as can eggplant seeds; and a non-crispy apple or soft toast? What's the point?

Difficulty leaving the house? Check - prior to Fiora, my trick was to move fast - grab the wallet and the keys and I'm out of the house. If I didn't do that, I would (what else?) noodle! Yep, find things to distract me...there was something comforting about not HAVING to leave, about beating the clock by messing about, about avoiding feeling (here's something key I just realized) EXTERNAL pressure to move. It was torture my first baby-year, slowing down and training myself to pack a whole diaper bag and check a diaper before I left the house. But that training of myself has made me much better about checking in with MYSELF about my priorities before leaving the house, and I'm a lot better about bringing the right stuff with me now and about managing my time. That external pressure? Well, leftover from not learning to depend upon myself for direction and choices as a child, I suppose - so glad to be doing PonT for Fiora (and us).

Fighting external authority? Check - I couldn't even bear to have a timer or a clock for our child, it made me feel so tense to have something outside ourselves telling us what to do. Again, something has shifted about that. I just bought a clock (as recommended on another blogger's post!), and it arrived today and I'm excited to show Fiora what bedtime and awake time look like (though it may take her a while to learn to tell time, I realize!).

Trouble with transitions? Check - I used to throw mini-tantrums when my parents told me it was time for a bath! Not that I didn't like baths. I liked baths a lot. But I couldn't bear to leave whatever it was that I was doing (often reading). This was such a big deal that often my diary entries would consist of "I HATE BATHS!" over and over. Even though I didn't really, once I was in one (in fact, again, I would stay forever rather than make a hasty transition!!). Poor Fiora, Brian also does fairly poorly at transitions....

Trouble going to bed in a timely fashion? Check - until this year, I would literally push myself to stay awake for hours past when I felt tired, reading or on the computer or "noodling" about. When I started to check in, I realized that I felt pretty lousy during those late hours; and when I checked in more, I realized that I felt pretty tense, like Fiora gets when she's up too late (though I find her easier to read than myself!). Who knew? I always thought of "being tired" as when I couldn't read anymore...but that was more like exhausted. No wonder that when I tried to go to bed early I had trouble falling asleep - I was constantly sleep deprived. Finally have myself on a much healthier sleep schedule (though Fiora still dislikes going to bed intensely many nights!).

Tendency to eat too many sweets? Check - the only benefit I've found from that is that I can say out loud how lousy I feel when I eat too many sweets (Bri's homemade cookies are to DIE for...and easy to grab for a snack, sad to say....)...and hopefully fiora will also see me start to eat less and less of them *crossing my fingers*

The excellent thing about this? As I'm learning how many ways I am like a toddler, I'm learning ways to manage those issues (or perhaps shift my attitude towards them), and it's such a win-win thing - helps me with Fiora, and helps plain ol' me!