Don't know what to call this post yet, as it seems the percolation of a couple of processes. Wed was my weekday off, and I was spending the day with Fiora, of course. And I started noticing things. Maybe this was brought on by my revelation about community, so I was looking for things to be a little more connected than I used to believe possible...not sure. But what I started noticing was that even when I thought I was connecting with her, when my brain analyzed and said, "that's a connecting thing to do, to engage with her in conversation, to listen to her stories and ask questions, to tell her stories, to draw with her, to invite her to help with the cooking," there was still a disconnect. Part of what clues me in to this is her response, of course, though it's hard to articulate just what that is...just not melting into me, though she tries to sometimes? Anyway, it was fascinating, and revelatory; uncomfortable, and yet somehow very comforting to be able to sit with a see it...because it gives me hope that we can get somewhere better.
And then just today, driving along, something clicked. Exactly like what happened after I first learned about the 4 Big C's, when I realized I had to allow myself to count before I could really tell my husband/dogs/child that they count to me, I realized that when I'm not connecting well to myself, it's impossible for me to connect well to anyone else.
DAMN, how do I do that? Well, nobody said this was going to be easy....!
Stay On the Couch
-
… and watch a movie. Hello again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt
like writing here. Of course a lot has happened while I’ve been away, I
just haven’...
5 years ago
Woah! That's deep and oh so true! I never thought of it that way. I have to connect with myself before I can connect with my family. That is really hard! If you figure it out how to do that let me know. :) Definitely something to think about! Thanks for the observation!
ReplyDeleteI so know that experience of feeling outside of the 'connecting' activity. How great that you noticed the difference in Fiora's response; a glowing clue for you!
ReplyDeleteI was talking with a wise friend the other day about my tendency to slip out of connection with myself, who counseled me thus: check in with yourself three or four times a day, for a minute or less, to bring your awareness back to center. ('Stop, breathe, notice' is my mantra at these times.) Set an alarm for morning, afternoon, and evening, leave yourself notes, whatever works. I've been practicing for two weeks, and it's made a real difference for me so far.
And thank you for the reminder about how important it is to honor ourselves with the 4 Cs before we can genuinely use them with others.
Thanks, mamas - means a lot to hear the support, esp in a sticky situation. I think I've found one thing that's helping me a lot, but it's a bit crazy and i'm not posting about it (!) until i see if it keeps working for me. So far, exactly the kind of can't-describe-it but definitely-different-and-better that we've been needing.... Oh, and bringing meditation back into my life. :) Good and beautiful stuff!
ReplyDelete