Hurrah, more Buttons to Explore!

Well, I'm not officially assessing Buttons at this time, but some other Parenting on Track moms are, and some buttons have come to my attention that really begged for digging deeper (love that about Buttons), so here we are.

A: Getting lost - yes, physically lost, as when driving the car or walking in the state park.
B: If I don't have outside direction, there is nothing remaining for me to turn to. I have no internal compass, nothing internally to rely on that will actually work.
C: Hence, I get pretty unstrung, irritable, poor direction, whining, wanting to be rescued (and yet reluctant to ask others for help) - ooh, I'm a rotten person to be around!!
D: Perhaps...I do have an internal compass, I'm just not used to tuning in to it or listening to it or trusting it, or trusting that I can be okay without external guidance.
Perhaps...it's okay to be exploring sometimes as an experience, without knowing where I'm going.
Perhaps...getting lost doesn't reflect on my worth as a person so much as it reflects my familiarity with the territory.
And perhaps...other people don't judge me harshly just because I got lost. Perhaps I'm not so much letting others down as sharing the experience of life.
E: Can't remember what this is supposed to be....ah, encourage myself, this CAN happen.

This reminds me of my previous button about losing things. Definitely a button. I've gotten a lot better about being able to focus on finding things when I lose them, and much much better at actually finding them - such a joy, just with the dissection of the belief that losing things was so bad! And such a joy to see Fiora use our games to try to find things when she doesn't know where they are. :)



A: When I'm sick and/or tired, it's hard to have a strong vision or follow the roadmap. I'm kindof proud of being self-aware enough that I've been noticing how much being sick or tired affects my attitudes, my generosity, my patience, etc. And yet, it seems like time to move beyond this.
B: When I'm sick and/or tired, I don't have the energy to find my roadmap, to offer my best to those around me. In fact, the energy/vibe that I do have is pretty bad and not the sort that I want to be sharing around by connecting well...and when I try, and I'm honest, I end up asking for help and support, and i don't want to do that too much (being an adult who grew up in a sick household, that can definitely happen too often; on the other hand, I like to be honest and Fiora loves helping me out in appropriate ways - bringing a glass of water - so I tend to think that doing that somewhat is fine, as long as I'm aware of what's happening and don't do it too much)
C: I'm either stoic and withdrawn (which Fiora hates!) or I'm whiny all day. Hate to model either for my child.
Okay, to be honest, sometimes I'm also still patient and creative, sometimes my MOST patient and creative. But it's inconsistent.
D: Even when I'm sick and/or tired, I still have good habits to fall back on, and Fiora has great habits to fall back on, she proves this over and over again. The more I apply myself to finding how to parent well from myself, the easier those habits will be to find even when sick and/or tired.
And, drawing from Maya Frost's blog (http://www.mayafrost.com/blog/2010/07/13/why-i-stopped-blogging-about-education/), it's quite possible that I've been living in the American model where the ACTUAL belief to consider dealing with is the belief that being busy and occupied is the secret to validation and worth and doing things "right". Creating more exhaustion and illness. This has been a niggling concern of mine, really brought to the front by her post (which Vicki's blog at http://www.parentingontrack.com/parenting-strategies/shifting-perspectives/ alerted me to). I remember being a little girl and refusing to get drawn into summer schools and the like because I wanted time to just drift in the backyard, hang out with the dogs, take in the day. I like Maya's point about slowing down enough to know what we want to do and what balance we want to strike; what responsibilities we really want to take on and which ones aren't important enough to superceed the living of life with attention.
When I'm sick/tired, it's worth spending the little extra time and energy to decide what I want my direction to be for the day.
E: I'm sure I'll have another chance to work on this, so go for it!

And, working from the idea that perhaps I create some of the exhaustion (rather than "life" creating it):
A: Having free time, with nothing scheduled.
B: Having free time is a sign that I'm not being productive. Not being productive means I'm worthless. I like Maya Frost's statement that Americans tend to proudly "wear the 'exhaustion' word like a badge of honor.... We use exhaustion as our way to claim that we are busy and therefore doing all the things that lead to success and happiness."
But also (sometimes valid), not having some sort of plan means our day tends to get bogged down and our relationship bogs down, too
C: I like having a plan for the day, a map for the park, a goal. Without that, I tend to get kindof antsy and neurotic, dare I say whiny? Because I can't figure out what to do, can't decide what's important to do, can't prioritize doing something.
D: Perhaps it's not so much about the plans every day as it is about having a Vision or a Goal for the day, and letting that lead us to certain places and choices
Perhaps free time lets our souls expand in ways that being busy doesn't....and helps us be better people, kindof like meditation does for me.
E: I can practice having visions or goals for my days rather than intense plans. Or even keeping my planning down to half a day.

As an add-on to this: I was thinking about this, and realized that on days that I'm sick and I have to go to work, i really DO find my vision at work, and it really keeps me going through the day in a good mindset. I worry a bit that I'm tapping out resources that need to work on helping me recover from my illness or exhaustion, but on the other hand, I think I end up the day feeling generally better about myself than on days that I wallow in the sense of exhaustion and illness. And I do have to find my "Vision" - I have my plan mapped out a day or two before the work day, but that's not enough to get me through the day.