Being with the in-laws is a real education in what it means to be in relationship with OUR child. We're the kids here, really, and sometimes it's easier to *feel* what works and doesn't work than to think about it.
Let me make something clear first. Our in-laws are really great. I'm only posting here about what they're teaching me.
So, the room is busy, and I'm trying to think of some stuff that's kindof subtle, so excuse me if it doesn't come out very clearly.
I'm noticing that sometimes conversation goes in a way that seems like it's real discussion, interesting sharing of ideas and observations, and I start to resent being in that conversation. What gives? And then I started to realize, it feels like the conversation is intended to "get me" to say or do certain things (not necessarily like real manipulation, more like subconscious expectations impinging on how our relationship is going), and I resent that! So, how would my child NOT feel the same sort of resentment? IT makes certain moments that I've experienced with her, and certain moments I've seen with other parents and their older children, make more sense. The conversation wasn't REAL, there wasn't real interest in what the other person was thinking or feeling.
I mean, wow. I'm discovering more and more of a desire for REAL conversation, and it's kindof exciting. And something I think I can take to conversations everywhere, not just with Fiora, but with anyone in my life.
Gonna go do that. ;) Or at least start.
Stay On the Couch
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… and watch a movie. Hello again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt
like writing here. Of course a lot has happened while I’ve been away, I
just haven’...
5 years ago
OMG. This is huge. What a revelation. You've got it. Why kids don't participate in those kinds of "conversations", why teens are so pissed at their parents, why we get the evil eye from young kids.
ReplyDeleteNice work. Now the trick is - 1. Remember this, 2. Do something useful with it.
I think I know what you mean - I sometimes feel badgered in conversations with one person, where she just will not drop something even if it is of no relevance to her. Like she wants to solve my problem even if I don't. I see myself doing that with T sometimes, and am learning to just stop mid-sentence and accept that he doesn't want whatever I am trying to contribute.
ReplyDeleteIt's not even that obvious...that's what was so elusive about it...my left brain could see that everything she was saying was fine, sensible, reasonable, relational...but my right brain was CHECKING OUT, so freakin' bored, I felt like I was a dual personality with a rude teenager on board...and I guess I was!
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