So much to think about....

Well, I'm finally off the compulsive organizing need to stay aligned with which week we're in - the momtv exposition of Parenting on Track is done. Thanks so much, Vicki, life with family is so much more of an adventure than it was before, rather than a series of stress and calm!

That said, I'm noticing a lot of stuff (and I'm ever so glad to be noticing it), stuff that I'm noticing because of the tools I've been given, and given a chance to develop, though PoT. I'm just going to purge myself of these observations that have been bouncing around - get ready for a long post!

Tonight, I put Fiora to bed. She was SO tired, and yet SO all over the place. When we went to brush teeth, she ended up playing with the rag and trying to get toothpaste out but not brushing her teeth. When we went to put on pajamas, she wanted to bounce on her crib. When it was time to read her book, she wanted to keep trading it back and forth (though, now that I think about it, that may have been because, while I think of it as we read the book 3 times (yes, we're still doing that! We could back it off to 2 times, I guess, but I kindof like seeing the permutations we get this way. On the other hand, when she's tired it's a joke, she can't even pretend to read when she's too tired! It's kindof cute, really.... Anyway, to her perspective, it may be that SHE didn't get to read it twice, because we started with me.). Alas, I think _I_ was ALSO tired. The only way I avoided the rabbit hole tonight was by choosing not to argue or fight with her. I think I was permissive, and I could feel myself hungering to explore the "firmness" side of things, but I didn't feel up to doing it properly. Plus I was thinking of Lori's joyful bedtimes when she didn't expect things to go a specific way, so...I just let it go. And this DID give me some lovely moments of calm, just being in the room and not DOING anything while she jumped like an acrobat on her crib. Looking back, did I really need to force tooth brushing, or pj routine? I don't know, I don't want to force them, I think we were both pretty tired. Next time, no distractions allowed at the sink (ie, clean it up)! Oooh, and I could move the crib over so she can't climb into it (though she'd love to push it back over to the bed)...or put it in another room...or make jumping officially part of bedtime.... :)

I've been worried that I'm a permissive parent. We're starting to notice more and more that Fiora CAN do certain things, but chooses not to. Chooses not to put her nice hat away (ie, off the floor), chooses not to bring her dish from the table.... On the other hand, she's more and more inclined to get her silverware, and ours if she notices (gotta encourage that!); VERY quick to get her own bowl or cup if she's hungry or thirsty; and has put her dirty laundry away with requesting a few times; will put her hat up if encouraged/asked (sometimes); and will sometimes clean up to gain access to a movie (though DH does most of the movie showing, and he's not using this technique much if at all). Anyway, I tend to feel a little victimized/frustrated when things aren't going the way I'd like, and that does anything but help me find and acknowledge my own authority! Again, just noticing feels like a starting point. i like the idea of having expectations for contributions and caring for herself and the family, AND finding ways to do that non-judgmentally.

I've been focusing on a lot of things in our life outside relationships lately (finding the perfect desk for work, which has seemed impossible, but finally worked out today! Getting the energy audit for the house, and then responding in a timely fashion to get rebates. Working out the details for how to go on a road trip from CT to GA with a toddler and 2 dogs, and then go camping before heading home again! The upcoming changes in our budget with DH's job change, which came close to being just a job loss, which would've been acceptable but tough), and I think it shows. not many blogs here, not a lot of visualization of what I'm looking for, or percolating, or committing to the moment with those I love - presence, as one blogger writes.

Our family meetings have been interesting. I want to prioritize them, DH is okay if they are forgotten, even though he supports them, so they still feel a little uncommitted to and unappreciated to me - weird, since they start witha ppreciations. I might need an appreciation board for a few weeks after we get back. Last family meeting was really telling: we rushed getting into it so Fiora wouldn't walk away. I don't like doing that. I'd rather have a family meeting and if she doesn't want to be there, that's okay (without being all "so be it!" and pushing her away), we'll hold a space for her. We'll do appreciations with each other, and really get into it, you know? might have to work harder to get her there the next few times, though, because...well, Bri and I give our appreciations, then we prompt Fi to say thank you, because we don't know what else to do. And last time, Fiora chose to get down after that. I think she didn't get why she was saying thank you, and didn't like being asked when she didn't understand it, didn't like being prompted. And I don't blame her! So, I'd really like to give her the space and time to come up with something of her own next time, and to explain it better. we also asked her if she wanted her money after she got down, and she said 'no' (love her responsiveness), and that was that!

Other family meeting problem: I was sick and tired of our house being a mess because DH was stressed out over impending end-of-job, and I made a sortof-request, sortof-demand about keeping the kitchen and dining room table clean. Success: I DID state the problem first. Failure: I didn't give anyone else the space to make suggestions. Bleh. Wasn't a 'good' interaction (nor did it work!!).

On a really positive side, a few days ago I was at work, and we had a client whom I just couldn't read (my staffmember described him as "playing his cards close to his chest"). It was making me feel awkward, and I was drawing away from real interaction and into effective but distant work. And then, I noticed it. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but I NOTICED IT. And I didn't HAVE to turn away from it. And instead, I kindof chose to be curious about what it meant, what was going on what I was having trouble reading...and instantly my comfort in the room came back. I don't know if the client noticed, but MY sense of that moment was much better, and I was much more content. so cool.

And finally, another moment with family that made me feel like a kid, sympathize with kids again: I talked to my brother. *sigh* He NEVER asks me how I feel about something, never is curious about my process, ONLY asks me what I'm doing - I feel like he's grilling me! (And its not just me, other people notice this, too.) It was weird, though, I found myself identifying why it was so unsatisfying to talk with him - I was really trying to find some way to connect. Looking back, though, I don't think I asked HIM any specific questions (though historically, he has kindof stonewalled specific questions, or turned them aside, not offering anything much), and I could at least start changing our pattern by doing that. Certainly the conversation we had, while intellectually interesting, wasn't satisfying enough to prevent me from trying another approach! And perhaps telling him he matters would be big, too, since we were so distant from each other as kids...ai.

Hm, now should I post this on the PoT forum....?