Another loss to the last month: awareness of how I respond to tantrums, or whining. Tantrums (usually at night, sometimes all day) I tend to get frustrated by, though I'm not sure what I've been doing. however, I HAVE been noticing that sometimes tantrums lead to us teaching her alternatives and then she gets what she wants. At some point that needs to transform to just ignoring undesirable behavior.
Fi's also been in a very demanding stage - ie, she demands a lot! "I need x!" is a common exclamation. DH has engaged in enlightening her to the difference between "want" and "need," but it appears to be eluding her at the moment. I've been choosing to request a questions rather than a demand, but I haven't been elucidating why very well. Still, when prompted, she does ask a great question, and her entire demeanor and voice changes completely when she does! Still, how to embody a typical response to a command? Just ignore it? Do a little more conscious teaching, and then start ignoring it? I have to say, when I TELL Fiora I'm not coming back in teh room, or we're not going to talk to her any more tonight because it's sleep time, it's easier for me to commit to it. Good for me as well as her. Laugh at her and tell her I don't respond to commands from a family member? I like that idea, but the truth is, of course, I WOULD in a stressful situation where commands were appropriate, or in a play situation where it's fun. I don't even know how to elucidate the difference between a question and a command. Besides that one feels respectful. But that word kindof gets me all tensed up. I suppose the simplest thing is that I don't feel like doing something if she demands or commands it.
It's kindof tough, too, to gauge her vocabulary skills and ability to differentiate. I know one of my weaknesses is a tendency to break connection, to stonewall, to step away as "punishment," and I'm struggling to have authority and make my own decisions without feeling like I'm disconnecting.
I suppose I'd feel more honest about it if I were more aware of how many commands I give Fiora. Of course, I don't think I do it much! I ask her lots of questions. And I want to be able to set boundaries, but that's more about bounds than commands.... Anyway, another thing to observe.
Stay On the Couch
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… and watch a movie. Hello again. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt
like writing here. Of course a lot has happened while I’ve been away, I
just haven’...
5 years ago
Oh, so much big stuff! A lot I want to talk with you about, but more than I can type right now. I have had success (and have only had success on polite requests) with Toby and even somewhat with Hazel by totally ignoring communication that is rude. Pretending I didn't hear the "I want..." or "Give me..." until it turns into "can I please have...?" Any other teaching kinds of responses from me yielded no results.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about how, if I were allowing myself to JUST be myself, I would never respond to those commands. I mean, early on, yes, it's thrilling that she can make a sentence! It makes sense in my BODY to ignore stuff that doesn't connect with me in a good way.... (maybe I can use that with my brother....ah, well, maybe not.... ;) )
ReplyDeleteWe used to have tons of tantrums here at my house. We had the daily of not more often. I was at my whits end on how to handle them. It was suggested that I just walk away. That was hard because my child was 5 and would just follow me around, my house just isn't big enough for that. it was also suggested that I walk into a room and shut the door. None of the doors in my house lock but when the tantrum would start i would scoop up my younger daughter, go into a room and sit down with my back to the door to keep it closed. She would pound and push and hit the door and spew all manner of angry words but I would stay in until she stopped. Once she was quiet I would open the door. If she started back up I closed it again and waited. It took a little bit of time, but I swear IT WORKED!! We only have tantrum every couple of months or more.
ReplyDeleteWhen my kids demand things I just state back to them what they said, "You want x!" Maybe a huh?! When they were young and I was they were still learning how to get something I would ask them how they got something they wanted. If they didn't know then I began to teach them how to ask?