Time for Review

Looks like it's been a year since my last post, even though I had a lovely summer gathering with friends who are similarly motivated by Parenting on Track and travelling through the program once again. That has faded with the busy-ness of the school year (funny, that - seems like with school the house should be quieter), and perhaps the importance of the blog is back! I love how other people post about things to celebrate, and I like to do that, too. But I also find that writing here helps me focus on the things I want to do when relationships aren't going that well in our house. Like, today I've been noticing how disrespectful I can get towards my 6 year old; now, granted, she can whine like the dickens, but I can also ignore that and see spectacular results often...and when it doesn't work, there's often gluten or dairy involved, so really there's no reason to be pulling my hair out. But when I'm tired, or in pain (which is often), I've realized that it feels like I'm already multitasking to do any simple task (I'm not only doing the task, but also managing the feeling-badness), and having someone (anyone) ask me to do something (especially multiple times) tips me over the edge. But, when I look back on my day, I don't feel like I've lived up to my potential. At the same time, I've gradually learned that I can only push myself so hard before I push myself away from everyone around me. I can't just push myself through this. (But then, I'd never expect pushing to help anyone else connect...to themselves or others.) So I've been befuddled. And then tonight, I think back to the most amazing thing about starting down the Parenting on Track challenge. It was learning to let something feel so reactive, but not react. IT was taking a breath when things felt overwhelming,and then another one. And now I would add, remembering in that moment what I value in my relationships with my children; encouraging myself that I have a place in this relationship, and it's important; allowing myself to have a bad day, but exploring whether that means I have to be reactive, or if I can really let myself feel just as bad as I may feel and not push it away, maybe even have some compassion for myself, but also recognize that taking that moment for myself may be much better than reacting explosively to some beloved small one. It's encouraging just to write this. On a practical, detail-oriented level, F is having trouble doing her contributions right now. She has noticed that her 2 year old brother gets the computer sometimes without doing anything. I'm willing to explore whether R can be asked to do something (clean up a little) prior to the computer. But I'm wondering if F really feels like part of our team, she is so terribly resistant to doing contributions. Perhaps for another post.

That vision

I love the roadmap to what we want to live as a family, what values we want to highlight in our lives. It makes me feel passionate about this family thing, and this life thing. It's tough sometimes to read about families where one parent is home full time (though often working) and not envy that consistent time with their kids -- it's tough to read about families in small rural towns with great neighbors and similar aged kids nearby and not envy that sense of community they have, and the ease with which kids can play in the yards and woods. And I have to remind myself in such moments, that envy isn't a "bad" emotion like it's cracked up to be. PoTr has helped me help my daughter embrace whatever feeling is filling her body and heart and move on from there. And thereby teaching me, and my husband, about the possibility of doing the same. I realize my envy stems from a desire to have enough time with my children to have memories get created organically. I realize my envy stems from a desire to have a good community around us, and dinners with friends and kids and sharing food, and kids and dogs playing without risk. When I let myself go this far by embracing that envy, it suddenly makes me feel empowered again. Perhaps I don't know quite how to get these things in my life frequently, but at least I'm starting to realize with more and more clarity what I want in my life, and that feels like a start.

We're back...!!

Almost one year to the date since the new little one was born, I finally feel like really tackling Parenting on Track challenges again. Thankfully, we've had some wonderful moments inspired by PoT in the interval. At about 4 and a half, Fi really started doing appreciations, like rich and interesting appreciations - it's amazing, I love hearing what she has to say. Contributions have gone back and forth, were mostly something that had to get done prior to TV/computer on any day, but over the last week or two we've finally gotten into mostly a rhythm that means she's contributing daily. We only once (and recently at that) stuck to our guns about having to do the contribution daily for 4 days prior to starting privileges (TV/computer, and soon playdates). I'm noticing that suddenly she's got real skills, too, and she can even move quickly if she wants to (there's not a lot o inexperience slowing her down) - she's even folding clothes, and I certainly never "taught" her to fold clothes - perhaps at daycare, or perhaps via watching? I've also come to peace with the fact that, for right now, I'm the one who makes family meetings happen. Fi doesn't connect money with power with family meeting yet! And DH is so busy prioritizing other stuff that he comes as close to grumbling as he ever does when I request 5' for family meeting - but he'll always come, for which I'm grateful. But great things have happened, too. I feel like house has been in a constant Do Nothing Say Nothing state lately - I haven't the time to clean up! And Fi's room was likewise. One night, DH mentioned that the mess makes me sad, and perhaps they should team up and clean up - and she totally took the initiative and decided she would clean her room! (And it was a big mess!). I came home and she showed off her work - not a toy on the floor. It was amazing, her discovery of what she could do if she wanted to, and me never having to really fuss about it (fret a bit, yes, but no fussing!). And since then, for almost a week now, she has kept it clean (helps that her contribution this week was bedrooms!), and decided where to hang pictures and how to organize her books - it's so gratifying to see her do it all on her own, and to see her pride in herself. It's like a gift. Add to that that one morning I was too busy to help her with her contribution when she wanted - she went on her own, found a laundry basket, visited the bedrooms and filled it up, then asked for help to take it all downstairs. The girl is independent!! That brings me to tonight, though. Tonight, I finally think I can track it back to - I hurt my back trying to clean and hold the baby at the same time. After that, I couldn't do firm and kind. I was kindof lashing out at anything I could perceive as a personal attack - crazy, huh? Was there a button there.... Activating event(s): child who couldn't listen to me, who couldn't sit still at the table, who was using threats to communicate her frustration and discomforts; and me being in pain and wanting to lie down after cleaning all day. Belief(ves): my child doesn't respect all the work I put into our home (and therefore into supporting her). Consequences of that belief: I feel hurt and belittled, and entitled to (stand up or myself) fight. Disputes of that internal story: my child was really tired, and probably having a tough time dealing with the changes that she knows are coming with kindergarten, especially losing all the time she spends with her current friends who won't be in kindergarten with her. Encourage: that story makes me so much more sympathetic, I could DEAL with the D story; I might still feel like I need to set really clear boundaries to help me get through the bedtime routine and dinner, but I'd really rather look for resources within myself to just get through the night, and perhaps even "make memories." in fact, looking back over tonight, there WERE several good moments: I sent Fi away from the table after dropping food on the floor (not dinner time manners) deliberately, then DH told me she dropped it accidentaly - and I went and said I was sorry, told her what I thought and what DH told me, and asked her if she would join us for dinner again; she said no, and I didn't freak, just brought back her plate and let her make her choices; and a few minutes later, she poked her head around the corner and said she'd decided to join us again; even ate all her veggies and had dessert. And at tooth brushing, she wanted me to help her, but found the resources to brush her own teeth, and even insisted on me checking that they looked clean. What a brave and resourceful child - we do pretty well sometimes. Okay, it's been ages, I want to go visit the other blogs I used to read now!!

Update

It's been a while. I think getting an anonymous poster/comment threw me more than I realized.

Family Meetings: Fiora has just started saying real appreciations! So cool...though I need to restrain myself from offering suggestions when she seems to get lost and stressed about what to say. We're really enjoying using the laminated pictures+words to keep track of our contributions, and putting them on the fridge with magnets. Once Fiora insisted on choosing TWO, which could've been a great time to admire her dedication and verve, but instead dissolved into her choosing which one she wanted to do each day and picking just one. Family meetings now happen much more reliably and with less effort, but are still not regularly weekly. Fiora enjoys spending her allowance - especially at grocery stores!

Contributions: She really knows where the clean dishes go and how to put them away; how to put soap in the dish washer and run it (though not when!); how to wash dishes; she's made dinner once or twice (with her dad's help); she's helping get out utensils and salad dressing and ketchup and the like (doubly useful since it keeps her from asking for snacks before dinner!); she's washing dishes better and better. She knows where to put her different clothes away and just learned how to put shirts and dresses on a hanger; she's learning about the laundry machines. She's getting better (faster) at putting her toys away and identifying what's trash/mess on the floor. She knows how to clean the bathroom sink; toilet; tub; and mirror. Hurrah!

She's really avoided sweeping or mopping....might have to make that happen. And contributions ONLY happen because Fi almost always wants to watch some netflix or do computer time...I feel like I could do better at helping her understand the joys of contributions...especially if I delved into that more myself!!

Roadmap: what roadmap? I'm STILL jonesing for a family roadmap...started my second version months and months ago, would like to set up time to talk it over with DH.

DNSN: it would be fun to do this again. New baby on the way will help facilitate this!

The Four C's: I feel pretty good about connection most days (it's such a delight with this verbal playful girl we have now!), and telling her she counts; I'm still a bit of a wimp when it comes to encouraging her to have courage, letting her challenge herself into frustration, but those moments still happen with fair regularity so I'm not preventing them (hardest when I think she's feeling sick but am not sure!!). Am I missing one?

Buttons: have felt great about these, then tonight my back was sore and the dogs were pulling a little on a hot humid night that does NOT deserve any dog or person feeling feisty enough to pull, my expectations flared, and I got cranky in button-style. *sigh* Certainly don't want to be too cocky!!

Hm, should review my PoT book and see what I've remembered and what I've forgotten....

Was that a GOOD rabbit hole?

So weird. Sometimes I don't understand this stuff. Today I continued to be edgy-mama - not willing/able to tolerate Fiora's screams about wanting her binky in the car after she dropped it (usually I can talk her down from this stuff of act). Told her I loved her dearly, and somehow really meant it in the moment...then told her I wasn't going to be talking to her while she was screaming. The telling her I loved her seemed to take the edge of her screaming but surely didn't stop it, and I talked to myself about the stuff I was passing to keep my calmness going, which worked surprisingly well, and kept me from getting sucked into the passionate world of the back seat.

This afternoon, it was her naptime and she didn't want to nap, but I NEEDED her to nap desperately. Thank goodness DH stepped in and helped facilitate napping. And I left with the dogs, feeling destined to have a miserable walk with them given the mood I was in, but knowing that they were overdue for a lovely long woodsy ramble.

Couldn't believe my luck when I actually was enjoying the walk, the light snowfall, the dogs' excitement. And then they started pulling me rudely all over the place, and I realized how sore my body was, and I could feel myself getting dark and angry. I did my typical responses: managing the situation by not letting the dogs walk on long leashes but at heel; allowing the dogs to "self-train" by jerking into the end of the leash and holding it firm - the former does help them settle down and remember I'm there, the latter has not seemed to help one of my dogs ever. Getting darker and darker inside. Then, for some reason, I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps I was right to be upset about this situation. And to acknowledge that what I was doing wasn't working terribly well. And somehow, out of my self-conscious, I chose a different approach: letting the dogs on long leash, but asking them to stop and wait at a point I was choosing. This is fairly intensive: voice command, leash reinforcement, making sure whichever dog was behind is asked to stop at the same place as the first dog, keeping my attention on them so that attempts to break their "wait" position are not allowed and to reinforce my command to wait, breathing well and edging gently through them so I was just a bit ahead of them before releasing them. And that beginner's mind was with me - I didn't expect it to work. But my god, the bigger dog, who always gets overexcited when he's on long leash, started offering me gazes, checking in with me, settling down. Gods, it almost makes me cry, it was so quick, and so long awaited!

Anyways, gotta go shopping, and dreading taking my daughter with me.

Just to finish this off, i did go shopping with Fiora, and it was lovely. DH offered to watch her while I went, but Fi suddenly intensely wanted to go. I countered that it was a quick trip and if she wanted to go she needed her underwear, pants, and shoes on, plus a jacket, or I was going. She sortof freaked out, I gave her a minimum of guidance to those objects she was looking for (and walking around, like her pants on the short table in the living room!), and I kept prepping for the trip, doing something to prep for dinner at the same time, getting DH to find me money - it honestly took me longer than I expected, and Fi managed to get mostly ready on her own without crying, so I helped her at the very end (crooked sock). And off we went. Again, I assumed it would be a mess. Fi wanted a lollipop. I told her she could get a banana and an apple - she got a banana and an old orange, and we really were off. She often likes to play before getting in the car, but I let her know that I wasn't waiting, and she popped right in the carseat and asked for her banana. We got to the store, she wanted to ride the car-cart, but it was wet from the snow - I didn't blow my top for some reason, but found some newspaper-y coupons and dried off the "car", and again, away we went. Found my veg for dinner, Fi saw some cereal she wanted on sale (I completely missed it; sharp eyes, that girl!). I asked if she brought her money for it, and she went sheepish and said no and was ready to move on. I actually bought it anyway, 'cause it was a good deal and we're on vacation (staycation) next week and car-snacks are running low. When we were in line, I told her she could get out of the 'car' to visit the flowers as long as she stayed nearby where I could see her and didn't touch. She did it. She came back into the car. We weren't checked out yet, so she got back out and asked if she could visit the candy/toy machines. I said sure, but I'd be leaving soon. She did not wander. When I was ready to go, she ran in front of me. I don't know why we had such a good time together, maybe I'm figuring out some way to set boundaries better and have higher expectations and the transition is rough for me, but I'm glad to have so many bright moments in a day filled with rabbit hole moments!

We are SO not going down the rabbit hole...oops....

So much I was going to write about tonight:
Child deciding not to eat veggies, child facing natural consequence of no dessert without good nutrition to counterbalance it --> meltdown later
Child faced parent-set consequence of getting down from dinner table - no conversation, no being picked up until parents done eating, no 2nd chance to eat, no computer time until dinner is over --> nagging parents at table and being almost completely ignored (huzzah! Even had to pick her up and move her twice.)
Child wanted computer time after dinner, but it was too late - must teach her to check a clock, and do so myself so I don't set her up for getting computer time after dinner and then put myself in the position of 'taking it away'
Child did not want to go bed (tired? She didn't sleep until 10:30pm in her room last night...), avoiding brusing teeth (first part of bedtime ritual), so i said, "Great, let's find some pajamas!" But then Fi decided she did want to brush teeth (she knows the natural consequence there: no sugar the next day if she can't show that she can protect her teeth from sugar - and i'm ready to do it. We even have unsweetened soy milk we can open up, and i can make oatmeal without honey, and snackbox with just nuts and chips, and no fruit - though really honey and fruit may be okay) So proud of her choice! And her pulling it together.
Child didn't like her pj's, so I offered to go get the clean laundry (learned from another post!) - child insisted on puling the basket of laundry to her room 'by herself!" She then put clean clothes all over the room, BUT also found pajamas to wear and put them on. A win.
Child did not want to go to bed, hence did not want to read a book, so I told her okay and I'd see her in the orning but she didn't have to sleep. Child threw fit and said wanted to read a book. I didn't shut door, came back in. Child threw fit and didn't want to go to bed. Repeat above. Child picked out book and we read it.
And here I get hazy. She wanted me to read it a 2nd time, which i don't usually do, but I said I'd read it really fast. and the it was a flap book and she insisted on doing the flaps, which meant I couldn't read it fast. So I said okay, but I'd be done reading at "x" time on the clock. But for some reason, I felt like I hadn't honored myself like I'd managed to do all night - can't quite pin it down - started getting kidnof pissed off.
At "x" o'clock, I got up and Fi went to the bathroom. Lately she's been playing while on the toilet, so I made sure the bathroom toys were all put away (not quite, oops!) and let her do her business on her own. Then I had to put a dog tick in the toilet, and Fi confessed that she was done. Then a toy got dropped in a poopy toilet. Uck! Fi took it out, and then i was insistent that she wash her hand and that the toy get washed. When I gave her a rag to dry her hands, she had a meltdown that she wanted her pink rag. Which was in the dirty laundry. But she thought the pink glass-rag or whatever those microfiber rags are that don't dry off hands well was hers. And I kindof went down the rabbit hole. Dried her hands. Picked her up with her pjs. Put her on her bed, put on her pj's. She wanted to be put in her old crib, and I told her she could take the pillows and blankets herself if she wanted to do that. She said they were too heavy, and DH took over from me.
When I came back from the dog walk, DH reported that she got in the bed without pillow or blanket. (It's cold in the crib room) And was sortof asleep. We decided to give her a blanket, not the big blanket but a small blanket that she would realize she COULD carry to the crib if she wanted to. She had, in fact, found a blanket in the crib and was using it, too. i told her I loved her, she smiled at me, and that's been it.
i found I really enjoyed holding the line, and NOT being angry but being sure about what i found acceptable and what I didn't. I did NOT like being angry.
We have decided that she can do potty breaks after bedtime, but that we'll put the bathroom toys away and stuff on the sink away, and that one of us will stay in the bathroom but not talk to her. This is something we'll explain to her tomorrow. She can use the crib, but if she changes her mind about where she wants to sleep after lights are out, she needs to carry stuff there on her own. If she drops her water before she falls asleep, she needs to get it on her own. She's been putting off sleeping later and later, and tonight's multiple meltdowns suggest to me that she's not getting enough sleep again. I really wish we could use a time on the clock for bedtime, but we cook from scratch and end up eating later than we want to almost every work night. Maybe we can talk about ways to help ourselves with that. My crock pot exploration has been a disaster. DH hasn't liked having help in the kitchen...though tonight he broke that rule, and Fi's old enough that we CAN help each other in the kitchen if we want to. Maybe next month I'll try to find quick recipes - it's taken so long for me to find recipes any of us want to eat, that's been my first priority! ;)

Gratitude (VI)

Yeah, it's repetitive; and yeah, it's worth it. Though maybe I'll start adding it all to one big humongous post so the posts don't get too dreary for others.

Today, I'm grateful that we got through all our shopping
I'm grateful that I remembered my new client's name when we saw her in the store!
I'm grateful that DH gave me time/space to walk the dogs before bitter nighttime today
I'm grateful that DH and I found a movie we both wanted to watch, and that we got to watch a movie together
I'm grateful that our new ice cream maker worked...even if the ice cream makes my stomach feel sick!
I'm grateful that the dogs like to eat our food when it's not quite good enough to eat!
I'm grateful that I'm the only one who ate the smoked salmon, which I then decided might be off....(maybe it's not the ice cream...)
I'm grateful to DH for shovelling the rest of the icy snow away from our mail box
I'm grateful to the powers that be for melting some of this snow away without any ice dams or leaks
I'm grateful that the snow was just high enough to make it easy for me to step over our gate to find nimbus' toy after I threw it over the fence
I'm grateful that I got to see the beautiful crescent moon in the early evening tonight
i'm grateful yet again for my YakTraks keeping me safe on our hilly, slightly icy walk tonight
I'm grateful to the sun for making my car so cozy and warm today...
And grateful to my husband for not complaining when I needed the icy cold wind on my wrist out the open window of our car
I'm grateful to Sequoia for lovely snuggles during movie watching tonight
I'm grateful to Fi for being my gelato-eating companion at Whole foods (another reason for sick stomach?)
I'm grateful to Fi for being so brave so many times today, when DH and I were feeling rather dictatorish about reinforcing rules about binkies only out for sleep (in the car, naptime, bedtime)
I'm grateful to Fi for her utterly charming dances, and for being pulled out onto the dance floor by the silliest of tunes!
I'm grateful to Fi for enjoying "Larryboy" with the same silly gusto that I do
I'm grateful to the icicles for falling in lazy straight pieces onto the snow, and being a different color, and just being lovely on the earth which I didn't expect
I'm grateful for dry, safe roads
I'm grateful to our amyryllis for it's beautiful, startling red blossoms that opened today
I'm grateful to my vision boards
I'm grateful to Jinxy for being almost a friend to Fiora today and yesterday

And then, for Feb 12th:
I'm grateful Fiora's cough hasn't gotten worse! (It's bad enough)
I'm grateful that I can feel enjoyment in my dogs, and am glad t make time for my cat - not sure where that priority had slipped away to, or why it had become work, but I am grateful to find my joy again
I'm grateful that there were other really interesting Parenting on Track posts to read tonight!
I'm grateful that my appetite seems better, and that DH made a non-greasy, yummy eggplant parm tonight
I'm so grateful that DH made brownies for the Valentine Ball, and even though he was sick!
I'm grateful that DH got up before Fiora and I got the sleep in - such luxury!
I'm grateful that DH is feeling better, well enough to eat dinner
I'm grateful that I can run past the 4 houses on the hill without getting out of breath again
I'm grateful that I feel anxious to get back to yoga after 3 weeks of "sick leave"
I'm grateful that we kept our rhythm at work today, despite all the complex cases we were seeing on a 2 person day
I'm grateful that, though it's hard to say goodbye to our patients and see their owners suffer grief, all the deaths recently have been good ones, at the right time, with loved ones to support them
I'm grateful that my staff is so much fun, and so supportive
I'm grateful that I thought of checking out the magnet school sites before applications closed
I'm grateful that Debby's comments on FCL made me look into what classes Fi can start if she's interested, and summer camps
I'm grateful that my dogs are snuggled up to me right now like they've never done before, one on each side
I'm grateful that I've gotten to hear Jinxy purr almost every day for 5 days now - happy sound
I'm grateful that the mess in my house does not depress me!
I'm grateful that the FCL community has parties and welcomes me and mine and that I got to see friends today!

Gratitude (V)

I need some practice.
Besides which, during the week or two I was really writing these down daily, life seemed really good. Obviously, this is something I could indulge in daily or every other day to the benefit of me and my family.

For today:
I am so grateful for the time I had on the sofa, in front of the lovely dying woodstove fire, napping on my husband's shoulder
i am grateful for cheery dogs excited (as always!) for a 9:30pm walk on icy roads
I am grateful for YakTraks making a walk on icy hilly roads an enitrely do-able project
I am grateful that I seem to have gotten the hang of putting on the YakTraks so they are no longer springing off my feet at unknown spots on the trail/walk
I am grateful that neither Fi nor I got hurt when we walked on an icy patch in a parking lot today (and slipped)
I am grateful for Fi's courage in getting right back on her feet and continuing to walk after slipping on ice
i am grateful for a husband who refused to let my grumpy, tired, self-pitying, sick-feeling self get him down today
I am grateful I had an excuse to go outside and do some excavation around the mailbox - it was good to be outside and exercise and forget how lousy I felt for a while
I am grateful to my husband for tending the fire all day, and for making a big dinner, and for cleaning up afterwards!
I am grateful to my husband for not taking it to heart that I didn't really enjoy his dinner!
I am grateful to Fi for enjoying yogurt with me today - the one reliable food stuff for my semi-appetite today
I am grateful to Fi for being so courageous as to apologize today after elbowing me repeatedly in the belly while climbing over me in efforts to be read to or work on the computer, and after I decided to get away from her to protect myself - she apologized an hour later when she got up to go nighttime potty
i am grateful to myself for apologizing to Fi for not being tough enough to be elbowed and climbed on - and for talking about the things I AM good, hugs and reading and chasing and massages and kissing booboos and drawing and carrying and the like - it turned my angry, turning-away moment into an affirmation of good loving stuff
I am grateful to Fi for not losing it more than she did when the car door tried to close on her today!
I am grateful to the woman at the post office who was completely charmed by Fiora and told me so
I am grateful to Fi for mostly helping us keep her face clean today
i am grateful to Fi for noticing and telling me when she needed to go potty
i am grateful to Fi for saying she didn't want her snow suit at all, and then for playing outside in her pajamas and boots, and then for letting me guide her back to the car when _I_ got nervous about her getting cold - something about integrity of desires and good communication there
I am grateful to Jinxy for not staying outside tonight ('cause I worry about him), and for not scratching anyone today - hm, need more positive thought patterns for the cat!
I am grateful to Fi for solving the problem of her post-dinner hunger - we don't like to do more food after dinner, dinner is for solving the hunger problem, though I wasn't too keen on dinner tonight - and I broached this with DH when Fi had repeated "I'm hungry" several times - and then Fi wandered back in the room with some leftover from dinner, and proceeded to eat it almost all up!
I am grateful to the fig tree and amyryllis for growing in this crazy snow season and being beautiful
i am grateful to the UPS lady for being so helpful with my un-taped package
i am grateful to Fi for being willing to leave the store after we'd gotten our valentine's supplies
I am grateful to PonTr and allowances for helping me and Fi deal with her desires for every candy on the shelf at the store
I am grateful to the nighttime for being here, and it being time to sleep and heal and recuperate

Contributions, la la la!

Well, after posting about how contributions were completely getting away from me, I decided (1) we needed to write what our contributions are on the white board (it's mostly a cooking white board otherwise); and (2) it was time to reinvest in the training aspect of contributions.

It was been so worth it. And the timing couldn't be better - Fiora has just discovered a letters and reading program that she can use on our computers, and she's really motivated to use it just about every morning. When she's not, she's interested in a post-breakfast snack. So either way, we have an external motivator that helps gets her moving on her contribution in the mornings.

Fiora's last contribution has been the kitchen (and it's lasted for 2 weeks due to a lousy big sucky illness that has taken us all down and blurred right over family meeting). She's been learning to put the clean dishes away - and now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I could actually let her put away more stuff, use her stool or stand on the counter. It's so cool to see her really focus on putting a pot away in the right place, or learning how to stack the tupperware so it all fits (I should train DH this well!!). And then we've been washing dishes together, and she's finally starting to actually rinse, wash, then rinse again, and then stack the dishes so they can drain - it's amazing! I've seen her go through so many stages of washing dishes, but now it's finally all coming together. And I can honestly say, without the structure of Parenting on Track, I really wouldn't have managed to encourage Fiora to help around the house like this. But it feels so good and natural.

One of the things that surprises me is how much I enjoy spending time with fiora when we're working on tasks - washing dishes together (even though water does get rather all over), putting dishes away together (I'm in an entirely different heart space when I'm sharing this task with her rather than getting it done with so the kitchen doesn't get overwhelming!!), or even folding laundry together before late-day computer time - she really inspires me, and it really feels like bonding time, which makes the subsequent computer time she takes much easier for me to give her (computer time often feeling anti-bonding!).

She's definitely jonesing to get bathroom duty again, though!

Getting my PoT fix

Okay, going and reading just a single post on the forum is settling me down, tempting me out of the rabbit hole I virtually pushed myself into. Maybe it's not all about me being overwhelmed, or her being sick. Maybe I can think of this as power child stuff - I certainly get angry enough. And then feel really guilty - what a sucky combination

The thing that cracked me tonight was my daughter telling me to go get her pajamas from the clean laundry (not yet folded). I resented that, the way it was said, yet had to admit that she was being responsible about her pajamas. If I had kept a clear head, i might have recognized that. I could have admired her desire for pajamas, and asked what "we" could do about the fact that there were no pajamas in her room, invited her into the process - and been a good role model.

Hm, the flaw I can see in that lovely-seeming scenario is my own resentment of needing to do anything _I_ didn't plan that will require my energy. Which means I could've resented having to propose something that would keep me involved for longer. I guess I need to make a choice there. Be willing to spend the little energy and time in the clear-minded pursuit of civility and connection with my child - I've just drifted away from that priority, because nothing outside of me has been keeping me there. i miss reading weekly posts by other blogging mamas; I miss having monthly local meetings. I guess I may need to start visiting the forums more than blogging, at least for a while, to feed my enthusiasm for this amazing job or parenthood.

Poor girl. I've been modeling muddle-headedness and lack of focus, is it any wonder that she's following my lead?

So, my anger. What was it about?

My daughter doesn't respect me, and bosses me about. (I've been requesting questions or please, but we've done that for several months now, and I think it's a good time to stop requesting AND top responding to impolite demands - how's she supposed to learn otherwise!!)
Other option: i haven't responded appropriately consistently to let her know what works well and what doesn't
My daughter is overly demanding and doesn't respect how tired I am (she's also very loving, with kisses and words), even when I tell her (she threw a tantrum the other night because I was getting sore drawing on her easel so said I didn't want to draw the last person she requested) and isn't grateful for what I do
Other option: I haven't been connecting with her much (because I'm tired) and she's missing me (she says so)
Other option: about the drawing, I don't really know! It's great to have her invite us to draw, because she mostly doesn't like us singing. I guess I just ignored that - she sure pouted and everything. Maybe it was like she'd been really cool and invited me to draw with her (her favorite pasttime) and I rejected her after a while? To do nothing, just to sit down! i could see that being confusing. Next time I could offer to draw on a piece of paper on the table or floor, and see if that makes a difference. It is actually fun drawing with her, I really like to do it.

Which brings me to (1) Family Meetings - maybe this is a sign of being tired, but after weeks of pulling off meetings even though I've been tired (trying to get the bedroom back to a restful place, but new bedframe may be disrupting? Maybe it's the varnish? Don't know, so frustrating!), and I was kindof proud of myself for that. This week, though, maybe a sign that we were slipping, it didn't happen. So...either this weekend (sometimes we make it up on a weekend) or next Wednesday, commit anew!
(2) It's possible that part of the reason Family Meeting didn't happen is that we've started contributions, and after a great first week, I've been lackluster about spending 5-10 minutes on contributions every morning. First, it feels like the job of dishes from the table needs work, so if dishes are still on the table i kindof wait for an excuse to do "as soon as" about that, or point them out for her. Then, if I mention contributions and work on mine without any sign of interest from her, I feel like I'm too tired to role model well, like I'll just nag her or something, so I let it slide. Then it's time to get dressed and go to daycare, and my opportunity is gone. I could try using morning gummies as something that occurs after dishes and contributions. I have used computer time (Wiggles, Dora) as only after contributions, but she doesn't ask me for computer time much (much more my husband, and at night he's too busy with dinner to ask for contributions first! and doesn't know if she's already done them).
Well, it's good to write this out. I think I'll read about other people's experiences with contributions on the forum, and start again tomorrow! :)

Mama Crankidom

I don't know what to do. I know I've been feeling sick and tired and unable to rest well kand, now that I think about it, sortof disconnected in some ways (but not in others, which may be why I didn't noticed - in some ways, I'm more connected than ever, though that doesn't mean fully). And when I'm sick and tired, and feeling vaguely overwhelmed, my top priority is to get space and to find something to help me feel better. Which means my fuse is short, and Fiora feels the brunt of that - I just couldn't possibly bear the exhaustion I feel trying to deal with her whiny, illogical requests these days (ah, yes, she could be feeling the effects of illness, too - no obvious signs for any of us - so it's kindof confusing and not clear at all). Of course, I don't think _I'm_ whiny - I'm being clear about my boundaries and my needs, and seeing the threat of falling apart looming and choosing to cut myself off rather than show the example of falling apart.

I'm wondering if there's a better way to deal with mild chronic pain and tiredness. I know sometimes, if I let myself look for a creative answer to things, I get really energized. And I wonder if I'm keeping myself tired somehow. (I can go in circles all day and night wondering these things.) I guess the real question is, do I want to do things differently in my family? Mostly I feel really tired in response, like who thinks of these questions anyways. I wonder if there's a way to be true to myself. It's hard to ignore Fiora right now, but I'm tired enough that I just cut myself off, I don't just ignore her, I cut her lose and wander off happily thinkingn I'm done with that drama - it's different from the feeling of being connecting and caring about her and making a choice to ignore undesirable behavior. Then again, there's the question of when to pay attention to undesirable behavior - if she's sick, is it really okay to expect her to be reasonable and happy and know how to ask requests at age 3?

Contributions...amazement

Last night was family meeting. Yet again, I'd been feeling tired and hadn't prioritized making some neat tags of paper or popsicle sticks or whatever to pull out of a hat or a pile, so I just piped up and named a few rooms. I sortof assigned Fiora the bathroom randomly then, me the dining room, DH the kitchen. Then I asked Fiora is she wanted something else, but she wanted (!) the bathroom. Cool. Didn't feel like we'd really talked about the whole thing enough, even though I've said a sentence or two about it for the last month or two.

This morning after breakfast, when Fi wanted to watch Wiggles, I told her we had to do contributions first, and I got busy cleaning the dining room table and chairs, the floor underneath (didn't take that much time...! Yes, I'm contribution challenged, too!). Then I announced it was time for the bathroom, and Fi cheered (!), ran into the bathroom, opened the closet, and grabbed the toilet brush with joy (! wow, what a world this is!). Then she happily plunged it about in the toilet. I told her how to dry it off by tapping it on the edge of the toilet, which she did. Then she announced, "we need water!" and she pointed to the very top shelf of the bathroom closet where the big container of white vinegar is kept. WTH!?!? Did i mention that I'm contribution challenged? She may have seen me use that once, MAYBE twice, in recent history. I am floored.

I asked what else needed cleaning, and she didn't say anything - finally stated that she needed a bath, so I suggested cleaning the tub. Excitement! So we cleaned the tub together (it's big, that's my excuse for helping, plus it was the first time, plus _I_ was excited), then she took a bath.

This is way cool. She has so impressed me today.

Gratitude (IV)

Still practicing...gratitude that DH is holding his own, has his inner peace still, despite lots of pressure at work (AND Harry Potter's last book being much darker than he wanted!!)....gratitude that despite a frustrating lack of sleep, I haven't much lost my composure, and when I have, at least I've wondered if there might have been a way not to, despite the lack of sleep.
Gratitude for my late night, cold-biting air walk with the always grateful dogs, the dark night sky, the Christmas lights of neighbors making deep nighttime dog walks unthreatening despite the possibility of ice on the road
Incredible gratitude that I got to see Fiora pick up ALL THE BANAGRAMS, just because Bri mentioned that they needed to be picked up (!!), and that she was in a good space for doing it :) - love that!
Gratitude for all the good meals I haven't mentioned yet this weed (ie, gratitude for good, tasty, healthy food!!) - tonights garlic pasta, and organic roasted potatoes with butter, and egg nog for dessert (not actually enhanced really by the addition of rum, I think)...for cabbage rolls that were so tasty Fiora ate 2 of them (!)...
For a client who was able to be truly grateful, despite the difficulty for her in being so (indepnedent woman), for the gift of services she could not afford - that was a such a gift for her to give me
Gratitude that the salt lamp I bought because it sounded cool and because I could may finally be the answer to Fiora's night light
Gratitude for the recent spate of good movies, after a dearth of good stories in my life: Funny Girl with an amazing Barbara Streisand, Cheaper by the Dozen (not as good as I'd hoped, but fun to watch an old movie), How to train your Dragon (the gift of laughter), Veggie Tale's fanciful tale of St Nick seen with Fiora, looking forward to Despicable Me (lent by the same staff member)
Gratitude for hot tea on cold mornings
Gratitude for wood coming tomorrow for the wood stove
Gratitude for good timing on Christmas presents (!)
Gratitude for a cheap organic shirt found at Walmart (!)
Gratitude for Fiora showering us with kisses during blessing tonight, and last night
Gratitude that Fiora likes her comforter - for finally finding peace that our daugher is not freezing in her cold room
Gratitude for the time to sweep the family room and kitchen yesterday - a brief but welcome respite!
Gratitude for being able to clean the kitchen despite being tired and sleepy
Gratitude for the dogs always being so even keeled when I'm feeling tired and/or cranky
Gratitude for cold dogs waking me up the morning excited that it's so cold and/or snowy!
Gratitude to DH for not being amorning person yet being willing to get up early to shovel the steep driveway
Gratitude to our daycare provider for taking Fiora even when she's a bit sick
Gratitude to FCL CT for being such an inspiration of support for each other
Gratitude to Jenn for organic moisturizer that may have cured by winter skin
Gratitude to bikram yoga and the good instructors we have for helping me feel my back getting stronger and stronger
Gratitude to the pains I have letting me know where I still need work in my body
Gratitude to my boss for getting a cold laser and being generous with how we use it
Gratitude to the last patient I had today for giving me such a boost when his attitude improved so dramatically after treatment
Gratitude to all my clients for loving their pets so much and welcoming me into those good relationships
Gratitude to DH for being an inspiration about "moving the ball down the field"
Gratitude to my MIL for initiating conversation after some awkwardness
gratitude to my staff for only mentioning how terrible my hair looks in dry weather once and somehow gracefully getting out of that
Gratitude that I still have some chocolate rum balls left to eat before they're all gone
Gratitude that I got to share my favorite chocolate rum balls with friends and family and clients
Gratitude for bright letters from friends
Gratitude for frictionful places to walk on our nighttime walks
Gratitude that a friend offered her backyard as a walkway for me and the dogs anytime to get to the forest!
Gratitude for the beautiful pictures of Fiora we have, and that cheap Ikea frame makes them look so good
Gratitude for the meeting I needed with my boss, and her generosity with her time then
Gratitude for staffmembers that will make hours for me so I don't have to take vacation when it's freezing cold outside
Gratitude for a cat who let me pet him longer than ever before
Gratitude that my boss complimented my dining room rather than noticing the food all over the floor
Gratitude that DH wants to paint the rooms!
Gratitude that my rosemary hadn't died yet, so I could bring it inside
Gratitude that I found storm windows for our bow window, so maybe we can be warmer than we are!
Gratitude that I can go to bed now

Gratitude (III)

Today I feel gratittude about:

Fiora is coughing but only when lying down, really
Getting up at 6am was easy to do
The gingerbread (I finally made it!) is really tasty
Fiora helped me cut and decorate the gingerbread
Gingerbread dough has no eggs and is therefore pretty safe to eat raw
Brian is so on my team, and so good at sitting and not talking sometimes
Family meetings are happening once a week
Fiora put her own money away this week (into the purse, AND back on the shelf!)
How Fiora plays the family meeting harmonica (such clear tone!)
How Brian plays the family meeting harmonica (gamely!)
That I have an excuse to play my harmonica weekly :)
The peace that comes from walking the dogs twice in one day
The joy of toweling down wet dogs who love stuffing their heads into dry towels!
The joy of having wet dogs who wait their turn for towel drying!
The beauty and warmth of our new wood stove
Nimbus' ears are in pretty good shape, and I still plucked them (less ouchy to do it now)
Nimbus was patient enough to let me trim his nails, pluck his ears, and trim his face/feet/etc - which he is not terribly grateful for!
We had one turkey neck and one knuckle bone left to give the dogs on this rainy day with grooming involved
Fiora took a nice afternoon nap
Fiora gives me hugs, and holds my hand, and I also feel so loved from that
I watched an old comedy, and it wasn't terribly memorable but it brings my mind to light places anyway
I have oatmeal cookies, gingerbread cookies (yum!), and chocolate rum balls to distribute!
I have done most of my Christmas shopping (for once)
We met Sequoia's best friend tonight because I knocked on the door and asked if she could play
I managed to clean the kitchen, if not the rest of the house
Fiora picked up her clothes with a whoop to put them away!

Gratitide (II)

This evening:
The company of my dogs, Sequoia's eternal inquisiteness and bouncy jaunty gait, Nimbus' responsiveness (all the more noticeable because he rarely deigns to look at me), the joy of a quiet night with no cars passing us, the soft night air without the sharp bitter cold of the last 2 days
Finding Fiora's binky w/o engaging in emotional baggage about not finding it first for a long time
Toothsome stuffed eggplant cooked by my husband
Tatsoi that was the tastiest I've made yet (not top notch lovable, but still improving)
Train ride on 1927 train car by a river
Seeing Fiora's joy and sudden star-struck shyness at seeing "Santa"
Fiora's cool-headedness at the store, despite trouble (will write more below, that's a PonT story)
Brian being good at taking the rec to nap Fiora this morning
Fiora taking a nap for a good long time prior to our Santa train ride
My small family managing to get in the car with some alacrity to GET to the train ride (though we were still the last ones on!)
The joy I take from the pictures of my family that i hung this morning
the joy of sharing Christmas light sightings and picking favorites on the way home from the train
the smell, taste, and crunch of oatmeal cookies!
the lovey relaxed feeling of getting to bed on time
The rediscovery of what movies make me laugh (the classics!), and a long list of comedies to watch

the finance success: asked Fiora if she wanted to bring her money, she said "yes.' (Which is new.) I mediated, got her little purse from the kitchen and put it on the table where she would see it. She got it when it was time to go, insisted on carrying it herself until we got to the car when she handed it to me for safe-keeping. After the train ride, we went to their little store, and Fiora wanted to get a Thomas-style train. However, they cost about 2x what she had. This was the first thing that upset her. Still, she found a book she wanted, and we found a sale box that had some binoculars she decided she wanted. Just as we got to the front of the line (she stood in line with me!!), I realized she thought the binoculars were a train - I made the point of clarifying, and she got upset, so we left the line. Some confusion in communication, but she eventually decided she DID want the binoculars and the book, so i told her we had to get back in line and she did quite gracefully. (I was impressed with the latter, but also that she was able to bring herself back from being upset to choosing to make a purchase she could make.) After another wait (she did wander a bit this time), we got up front and she handed up her stuff. It turned out that the binoculars from the sale box weren't supposed to be there and weren't really on sale, so I had to tell Fiora that the store made a mistake and she couldn't actually afford the binoculars today (I felt awful doing that, expecting her to be flexible enough to deal with this change! plus I'm SO not enjoying saying she doesn't have enough - I think I personally find it disempowering, and I gotta find another way to deal with money! Like, saying 8 is more than 4; this is too expensive for today? ). But she took it like a champ, commited to getting her book. And as we left, she said she wanted a train for Christmas! This is big for Fiora - every time she's wanted something in the recent past, she's made a big point that she wants it NOW, not any other time. So, cool to be there for that.

And she happily read the book on the way home, then read it to her little elf, and then read it again with her baba before bed. :) Happy purchase after all!

Gratitude

These next series of posts will be repetitive. Vicki just gave a webinar about gratitude, which was great timing because I was just starting to notice how my life feels too tight. Like I've chosen stress over openness. I was remembering how, as a kid, when times were really tough, I was so full of gratitutde when things got better. And it's felt...almost like I've forgotten how to REALLY do that, what it really feels like.

Vicki asked whether we want our kids to know the feeling of gratitude, whether it's a family value for us. And I definitely want to be grateful for my family, and more often! While I don't feel like I embody gratitude enough to say it's a true value for us, I am drawn to it.

So, there is homework. To write down stuff I'm grateful for each day to help keep me in this mindset, to give structure and definitude (ha, not a word) to the good spots in life. I was just using this today because I was SOOO tired and getting really bitchy with undeserving child, couldn't figure out how to get out (of the rabbit hole), and finally found that looking for the good spots of the recent days was really helpful.

Today (already, at 11am), I was and am grateful that:
I was awake enough to get up when Fiora was too restless to sleep at 5:30am
We had a quiet hour this morning and got to see the sun wake up together
I got to feel cold dog fur without having to go outside
I got to see a dusting of snow on the ground this morning
I got to mention footprints in the snow, and turn around to see Fiora with her shoes on and then hear the dog door swing shut after her!
Brian woke up and watched Fiora while I went to the transit station on my own, and I remembered the scrap metal!
I had enough time to successfully drop off clothing donations
i had a chance, and remembered, to go get Christmas tins for treats/cookies
Barney was not as terrible at all as I expected
I got to see fiora finally enjoy hot bath water! And see her enjoy cold water, too, even in the wintertime!
that Fiora had such a long, fun bath, and that she only played with lotions that were perfectly safe
That Fiora told me she had pooped, and that she cheerfully helped me clean her up
Fiora challenges me to find ways to encourage her work with laundry without just dumping it on the floor
Fiora challenges me to find ways to interact with rude noises - to play like Groucho Marx, to change the noise conversation, to
set boundaries at the dinner table
Fiora helped me by opening the new picture fram, and she asked before she opened it
I found time to put pictures in the new frame, and some old frames, and hang OLD but lovely pictures on the wall
We have LOVELY fresh organic farm eggs from outside hens, to make a yummy breakfast, plus pomegranate seeds...yum!
That we only do dishes once a day!
For FreeCycle, so stuff we can't use is a gift to others

It's a long list, but lots of it still feels pretty distant - embracing it will take more awareness and perhaps even some pretense to let my self open up to doing this gratitude thing. Listing is different from creatively considering....

By the way, fiora has been great at saying thank you and giving us kisses and hugs lately. Maybe she's inspiring me, too!

Through her eyes and ears....

It was not a good morning. In my anger/frustration-veiled memory, Fi yelled at me for reading a cereal box; showed no interest in getting prepared to greet the morning cold; couldn't get out of the car once we got to daycare because she had just peed in her fresh pull-up, which normally she'll wear until it's heavy with pee; and then tearfully clung to me while I fretted about being late to work (until I distracted her with the thought of what was in her snackbox, buried in her travel bag).

The yelling thing is kindof coming to a head. Fi went through a phase when she was assigning things to herself or to others, and I think through that she got a sense of ownership of various random objects that are actually shared. We were amused by her claims, and frankly I liked that she was expressing herself forcefully but nonviolently. However, yesterday and today I realized that it felt really rude to be yelled at by a preschooler who is old enough to know the difference between polite speech and rudeness, between shared objects and ownership. I have no delusions that she knows this well right now, but figured it's time to start clarifying. Too bad these realizations often come in a spurt of anger and not in the clarity of thoughtfulness! (Perhaps if I blogged more....)

But, while I was feeling the anger/frustration (even voiced it to DH), I realized how stuck it was in my body, and I felt like Fi and i were stuck there a bit...it reminded me of hitting a button, and I realized i needed a tool. I realized, too, that I wouldn't like being talked to like I talked to her today, in many ways...but I still lack clarity. So the tool/experiment for today is to recreate the day through Fiora's eyes as best as I can:

She's enjoying breakfast, chowing down on cereal, using her spoon all proper and paying attention to not getting soy milk on her clothes (something she's gotten a lot better at over the last few weeks). Then Mama starts reading stuff on the cereal box, the cereal box that holds HER cereal (really her dad's cereal, but hers for the purpose of this morning as Mama doesn't eat it). It feels invasive to her sense of ownership, and she tells me to back off. Mama gets decidedly cranky and says, "That's enough. It is not okay to yell at Mama." Fiora is startled, and scared, and cries, because Mama has never seemed to mind before, and she doesn't like cranky mama anyway. But it seems to have passed, so she finishes her cereal and we talk of different things.

She was still a bit upset about cranky mama coming out of nowhere like a scary monster, and didn't gather herself to get ready for heading out. She does that better in an encouraging setting, and is still easily distracted. This morning, she focuses on the Dora pajamas mama wanted to send to a thrift store but Fiora salvaged and is quite, quite proud of. They make her happy and give her comfort. Mama mentions shoes, and a coat, but those don't make Fiora happy, so she ignores then. Thankfully, her dad intervenes, takes her sweetly downstairs and into her carseat before Mama can lose another hinge. Mama frustratedly gather shoes, coat; takes it personally (oops, always oops); and forgets to forgive stressed and (did I mention?) still sick Fi.

Once at daycare, she urinates in her pullup and feels great distress. When she's at daycare, she tries to be like her friend Alia and use the potty. When she urinates in her carseat, it reminds her of the time she did NOT have a pullup, and she gets upset. She wants to take off the pullup immediately, to take control of the situation, but mama has already taken everything inside while Fiora was busy being upset so there are no pullups left in the car. Mama demands that they go inside after telling her the pullups are all inside (Fiora really wants something HERE/NOW), picks her up and takes her inside - she feels a loss of control over the situation.

Once inside, she has a hard time self-soothing. Everything seems off. She does take off her barely wet pullup and put a new one on, but the sense of a loss of control is still there, and she's still shaken by urinating in the car AND cranky mama. Mama gets more cranky because Fiora won't let go of her leg and mama is going to be late which will set a bad tone for her whole day at work (which is tightly scheduled), but finally distracts with another self-soothing technique - you go find the snack box, and explore it. Take charge of something fun. So Fiora finds her way to self-soothing, which was much more powerful than mama telling her she would be okay or reinforcing that mama loves Fiora.

Well, that's good perspective. I can see the pros and cons of what I did much better.

Since that morning, fiora has been very affectionate - lots of kisses, and hugs. I wonder if she's finding her power to soothe her mama, or trying to make sure things are okay between us. Or if she really appreciates having appropriate boundaries. Who knows....but I love the kisses and hugs!!

Did you ever...

...catch a glimpse of your face in a mirror after talking to your child and suddenly imagine how it felt to be on the other end? I did, tonight - and it wasn't that I was being angry, or snippy, or condescending. I was just being tired, and busy - but when I saw that face, I just realized that I didn't like was it was telling the people around me. In acceptance of reality, some days I am just gong to be too tired or feel used up, I suppose. But I wonder if that really stops me from imagining how I really want to be, how to give well to those around me, how to connect...or if it just deters me if I'm not strong in my vision?

Stories? Not much - I'm too tired! ;)

Family Meeting: Fiora is doing appreciations more often than not - feels so good! We talking about adding contributions at the next meeting - Fiora's contribution to the list was "clean harmonicas" - too bad they suffer from water! I should check in with the forums about that for ideas on how to invite her into the process more. She just started getting $3/week - riches! Can't wait to see what she invests in.

Connection: time to connect with my tiredness, walk the dogs and go to bed!

What's New?

Roadmaps. I used the idea of roadmaps, after gathering with some other moms to talk about PonTrack and after reading about summer planning meetings, to make a roadmap for the autumn. It's great. I love having some of the things I'm interested in doing written down and within a timeframe. It's great to look back already and see what things I've prioritized enough, or were easy enough, to have already happened. I love feeling like I'm at least sortof on track, and I like seeing what hasn't happened yet, figuring out why, and deciding what my next step is going to be.

Roadmaps for Fiora. I've vaguely increased what I'm asking Fiora to do, after DNSN#2. Mostly this means asking her to pick up her dirty laundry, or noticing it on the ground and asking her where it belongs - we'll have to move on from there. When she's tired/cranky, it's MUCH less likely to happen (but that's true for her mama, too, so it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it). Dish cleanup from the table is better, though she still resists at first most of the time - wonder why that is? First thing that comes to mind is that often I'm not good at treating acts/choices/others/self like they/we matter...so that's next on MY goal list. I tend to think of them as important to do, but not like, how do I say this, there is intrinsic value in doing them...well, we'll see how that works out.

Encouragement. The other day I was filling out a form for a photography session, and there was a question about how I would describe my child with just one word. "Cute." Dang, she's friggin' cute. But that seemed a very Disney, bland answer, so I was looking at her and searching for other fabulous words that would describe her, not saying anything...and she looked up, said "I love you, mama, and my baba" - rarely does she do something like that, and it reminded me of the power of just positive beliefs!

Buttons. Being late and lost - that has been so well conquered, several times I've been one or the other and been surprised at how it was okay. Gods, I love that! The other day, though, we were late (DH was slow) and lost (my trouble) and I let myself get cranky - but it was definitely a choice - not a good choice, NOT good role-modeling, more punishment for DH not being on-time (ouch! I hate writing that!) - and I regret it. I don't think it did anything beneficial, Fi didn't want to get her picture taken, and I could've just told him afterwards that it really bothered me and been much more grown up about it, and probably more productive. *sigh* The lovely thing about buttons is when they're gone, not so much finding them which is SO embarrassing.

Enough for tonight! Missed posting, this felt good.

DNSN - Expectations vs. Goals

That's right, not so much External Chaos, as seems the rule. Rather Internal Chaos (though sometimes I think that's my specialty anyways!).

Fiora was fine for DNSN. I was terrible! Short tempered, nasty... haven't been like that in a long time, and here I was saying impatient, pushy, judgmental things for 2 days in a row! Ever-forgiving DH didn't think much of it (bless him), but I was blown away. I think part of it was that I was suddenly expecting Fiora to do things on her things, things that i didn't push her on normally but encouraged her with...not necessarily terribly well, perhaps...and now my DNSN voice was actually, "You can do that on your own!" But not in a supportive way, more of a cut lose and have expectations way. And then it was like I had permission to get really irritated with her. It was not useful stuff. I suppose it told me that I'd really like her to do more things on her own and contribute more. The real clarity came from realizing that having expectations (rather than goals) can be toxic for my relationships!

As far as Fiora goes, I told her briefly that I was going to let her show me how much she could do this week, and she seemed quietly excited. And off she went! Taking off her clothes on her own (even a turtleneck), putting her dishes in the dishwasher (her idea to put them there, not the sink). Rather than reminding, or nagging, I practiced observing that dishes were on the table, or books were all over the floor, in a neutral but focused way. And it worked really well (at least for now).

The last observation: when I was being nasty, DH was doing more with Fi and he was reminding a LOT. Have yet to discuss this with him, since it didn't presist, but I realize now that if he does anything it's remind her over and over again, especially before leaving the house - perhaps this helps her (trouble with transitions sometimes), but _I_ found it irritating, so perhaps it's irritating her, too.

Oh, one last thing: I was picking up MORE this week than usual, even though Fi was helping put her dirty laundry away (and doing so quite well), using "as soon as" or direct requests or questions about where the clothes belong. I resisted for at least 5 days, but with the chaos of a DIY hearth project going on at the same time, we DID need space to walk. I think it's more because she's suddenly able to try on different outfits by herself.

Future: I had the suggestion to put more clothes where she can reach them so she can pick out her own outfits. I did this a little, putting some pants and shirts in a low shelf, and she LOVED it. But I didn't do it consistently - too much trouble! Would like to put a low hanging rod to hang some clothes on - that would make putting stuff down there easier, and she could learn about how to hang clothes and how to take them off. (The chest of drawers we have is too hard to open.)