Was that a GOOD rabbit hole?

So weird. Sometimes I don't understand this stuff. Today I continued to be edgy-mama - not willing/able to tolerate Fiora's screams about wanting her binky in the car after she dropped it (usually I can talk her down from this stuff of act). Told her I loved her dearly, and somehow really meant it in the moment...then told her I wasn't going to be talking to her while she was screaming. The telling her I loved her seemed to take the edge of her screaming but surely didn't stop it, and I talked to myself about the stuff I was passing to keep my calmness going, which worked surprisingly well, and kept me from getting sucked into the passionate world of the back seat.

This afternoon, it was her naptime and she didn't want to nap, but I NEEDED her to nap desperately. Thank goodness DH stepped in and helped facilitate napping. And I left with the dogs, feeling destined to have a miserable walk with them given the mood I was in, but knowing that they were overdue for a lovely long woodsy ramble.

Couldn't believe my luck when I actually was enjoying the walk, the light snowfall, the dogs' excitement. And then they started pulling me rudely all over the place, and I realized how sore my body was, and I could feel myself getting dark and angry. I did my typical responses: managing the situation by not letting the dogs walk on long leashes but at heel; allowing the dogs to "self-train" by jerking into the end of the leash and holding it firm - the former does help them settle down and remember I'm there, the latter has not seemed to help one of my dogs ever. Getting darker and darker inside. Then, for some reason, I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps I was right to be upset about this situation. And to acknowledge that what I was doing wasn't working terribly well. And somehow, out of my self-conscious, I chose a different approach: letting the dogs on long leash, but asking them to stop and wait at a point I was choosing. This is fairly intensive: voice command, leash reinforcement, making sure whichever dog was behind is asked to stop at the same place as the first dog, keeping my attention on them so that attempts to break their "wait" position are not allowed and to reinforce my command to wait, breathing well and edging gently through them so I was just a bit ahead of them before releasing them. And that beginner's mind was with me - I didn't expect it to work. But my god, the bigger dog, who always gets overexcited when he's on long leash, started offering me gazes, checking in with me, settling down. Gods, it almost makes me cry, it was so quick, and so long awaited!

Anyways, gotta go shopping, and dreading taking my daughter with me.

Just to finish this off, i did go shopping with Fiora, and it was lovely. DH offered to watch her while I went, but Fi suddenly intensely wanted to go. I countered that it was a quick trip and if she wanted to go she needed her underwear, pants, and shoes on, plus a jacket, or I was going. She sortof freaked out, I gave her a minimum of guidance to those objects she was looking for (and walking around, like her pants on the short table in the living room!), and I kept prepping for the trip, doing something to prep for dinner at the same time, getting DH to find me money - it honestly took me longer than I expected, and Fi managed to get mostly ready on her own without crying, so I helped her at the very end (crooked sock). And off we went. Again, I assumed it would be a mess. Fi wanted a lollipop. I told her she could get a banana and an apple - she got a banana and an old orange, and we really were off. She often likes to play before getting in the car, but I let her know that I wasn't waiting, and she popped right in the carseat and asked for her banana. We got to the store, she wanted to ride the car-cart, but it was wet from the snow - I didn't blow my top for some reason, but found some newspaper-y coupons and dried off the "car", and again, away we went. Found my veg for dinner, Fi saw some cereal she wanted on sale (I completely missed it; sharp eyes, that girl!). I asked if she brought her money for it, and she went sheepish and said no and was ready to move on. I actually bought it anyway, 'cause it was a good deal and we're on vacation (staycation) next week and car-snacks are running low. When we were in line, I told her she could get out of the 'car' to visit the flowers as long as she stayed nearby where I could see her and didn't touch. She did it. She came back into the car. We weren't checked out yet, so she got back out and asked if she could visit the candy/toy machines. I said sure, but I'd be leaving soon. She did not wander. When I was ready to go, she ran in front of me. I don't know why we had such a good time together, maybe I'm figuring out some way to set boundaries better and have higher expectations and the transition is rough for me, but I'm glad to have so many bright moments in a day filled with rabbit hole moments!