Back on track, and percolating thoughts

Great to have Vicki on momtv tonight, after a 2 week hiatus (vacation last week, frozen connection the week before). Ahhhhhh.......

First, I have to say, I am so grateful to my husband for being such a participant in this. He is here for every single appearance of Vicki on momtv, and while his head always pops up when Vicki commands, "Stop multitasking and really listen right now!" (because he's blogging, or doing computer work, most nights), he does listen and comment. And he wants to know when I'm typing comments into the chat room. And I just love that he's an active part of this way of parenting in our family.

So, tonight we learned about permissive parenting styles, and I thought I was pretty totally permissive, but I only had one tick mark on the entire list for signs of permissive parenting. That was a real surprise. When I reviewed the list, I realized that without the training from PoT over the past 6 months, I might've gone down some of the paths of permissive parenting, but I'm much happier not being there (I would've done so out of a sense of guilt, I think). Anyway, the one thing I do permit is for Fiora to climb from her chair to mine after she's finished eating dinner. She picks at my food sometimes, or offers me food. As long as I'm near the end of my meal, I don't mind, because I haven't had much physical contact with her all day while I was work, and it gives us an excuse to snuggle before bedtime. If I'm still actively eating, often Bri has finished and he'll invite her to sit with him, so it's working out for now. Now, of course, I'm anticipating articulating some of that to Fi.

Although I missed the discussion on authoritarian parenting (hm, I could still watch the archive! Must do that!), I'm realizing that Fi totally calls me out when I'm being authoritarian and absolutist. She freaks out, gets angry, and it makes me review what I was doing. Then I try another approach and, generally, it works. She's such a great teacher! Of course, she also does that for rules and boundaries which we deliberately set (bedtime is still the biggest trigger), but she'll set her anger aside after a while.

On the topic of messy, thinking children, I was encouraging Fiora to find ways to express her anger safely the other day (because another kid made her scared). So...she's been practicing roaring like a lion! It's so amusing, when we make her angry lately (time to go to bed, time to stop playing with that toy because we have to leave), she roars at us! And I can say, "Wow, you're really feeling angry about having to interrupt that game." And she really seems to appreciate her anger being heard. And you know what else? It SO fits our family style! When she was younger, and I would get totally overwhelmed with stuff, I would just yell out! Then I'd tell her I was okay, just angry for a moment, and we'd go on. I'd almost forgotten about that (life has been better recently).

One permissive thing I do: I help her look for her binky, or even find it for her. But only if she's tired or sick. If she's bright, I encourage her to find it, and she often does. If she's frustrated, I offer some ideas of where to look and wait a while (while she goes to look) before I help her. It's transitional-permissive. :)

I could've gotten stuck with the clothes issue. I LOVe letting her pick out her clothes, regardless of weather or plans. But there were moments when I'd pick something out for her, or offer some suggestions that were rejected, when I was dangerously close to being angry over...what? PoT guidelines kicked those emotions in the butt and quick, and thanks for that. Most of the time, she actually lets me pick her clothes, and I enjoy that, but my favorite moments are when she picks her own random stuff!

And just a note: going out to the car had some signs of becoming a contested event. But it still goes really smoothly. There were a few weeks when she adored going in by the driver's side door and wandering around the the car on her own (emergency brake in place, of course!). And when we had time, I'd let her do that while I did some laundry (checking on her every minute or so) or weeded part of the front garden. And when she seemed calmer, or when I needed to go, she had to get in the car seat so we could go. When she didn't want to, we played chase in the car (which always ends, like chase does, with me winning - it's amazing that she loves this game so much, but we both win, because she's giggling and having fun and so am I!). And now, she loves getting in her own door and climbing into her carseat - it's the newest skill. Letting her have some time to explore on her own and using fun kept things really good, and I love that!

Til later!