Contributions...amazement

Last night was family meeting. Yet again, I'd been feeling tired and hadn't prioritized making some neat tags of paper or popsicle sticks or whatever to pull out of a hat or a pile, so I just piped up and named a few rooms. I sortof assigned Fiora the bathroom randomly then, me the dining room, DH the kitchen. Then I asked Fiora is she wanted something else, but she wanted (!) the bathroom. Cool. Didn't feel like we'd really talked about the whole thing enough, even though I've said a sentence or two about it for the last month or two.

This morning after breakfast, when Fi wanted to watch Wiggles, I told her we had to do contributions first, and I got busy cleaning the dining room table and chairs, the floor underneath (didn't take that much time...! Yes, I'm contribution challenged, too!). Then I announced it was time for the bathroom, and Fi cheered (!), ran into the bathroom, opened the closet, and grabbed the toilet brush with joy (! wow, what a world this is!). Then she happily plunged it about in the toilet. I told her how to dry it off by tapping it on the edge of the toilet, which she did. Then she announced, "we need water!" and she pointed to the very top shelf of the bathroom closet where the big container of white vinegar is kept. WTH!?!? Did i mention that I'm contribution challenged? She may have seen me use that once, MAYBE twice, in recent history. I am floored.

I asked what else needed cleaning, and she didn't say anything - finally stated that she needed a bath, so I suggested cleaning the tub. Excitement! So we cleaned the tub together (it's big, that's my excuse for helping, plus it was the first time, plus _I_ was excited), then she took a bath.

This is way cool. She has so impressed me today.

Gratitude (IV)

Still practicing...gratitude that DH is holding his own, has his inner peace still, despite lots of pressure at work (AND Harry Potter's last book being much darker than he wanted!!)....gratitude that despite a frustrating lack of sleep, I haven't much lost my composure, and when I have, at least I've wondered if there might have been a way not to, despite the lack of sleep.
Gratitude for my late night, cold-biting air walk with the always grateful dogs, the dark night sky, the Christmas lights of neighbors making deep nighttime dog walks unthreatening despite the possibility of ice on the road
Incredible gratitude that I got to see Fiora pick up ALL THE BANAGRAMS, just because Bri mentioned that they needed to be picked up (!!), and that she was in a good space for doing it :) - love that!
Gratitude for all the good meals I haven't mentioned yet this weed (ie, gratitude for good, tasty, healthy food!!) - tonights garlic pasta, and organic roasted potatoes with butter, and egg nog for dessert (not actually enhanced really by the addition of rum, I think)...for cabbage rolls that were so tasty Fiora ate 2 of them (!)...
For a client who was able to be truly grateful, despite the difficulty for her in being so (indepnedent woman), for the gift of services she could not afford - that was a such a gift for her to give me
Gratitude that the salt lamp I bought because it sounded cool and because I could may finally be the answer to Fiora's night light
Gratitude for the recent spate of good movies, after a dearth of good stories in my life: Funny Girl with an amazing Barbara Streisand, Cheaper by the Dozen (not as good as I'd hoped, but fun to watch an old movie), How to train your Dragon (the gift of laughter), Veggie Tale's fanciful tale of St Nick seen with Fiora, looking forward to Despicable Me (lent by the same staff member)
Gratitude for hot tea on cold mornings
Gratitude for wood coming tomorrow for the wood stove
Gratitude for good timing on Christmas presents (!)
Gratitude for a cheap organic shirt found at Walmart (!)
Gratitude for Fiora showering us with kisses during blessing tonight, and last night
Gratitude that Fiora likes her comforter - for finally finding peace that our daugher is not freezing in her cold room
Gratitude for the time to sweep the family room and kitchen yesterday - a brief but welcome respite!
Gratitude for being able to clean the kitchen despite being tired and sleepy
Gratitude for the dogs always being so even keeled when I'm feeling tired and/or cranky
Gratitude for cold dogs waking me up the morning excited that it's so cold and/or snowy!
Gratitude to DH for not being amorning person yet being willing to get up early to shovel the steep driveway
Gratitude to our daycare provider for taking Fiora even when she's a bit sick
Gratitude to FCL CT for being such an inspiration of support for each other
Gratitude to Jenn for organic moisturizer that may have cured by winter skin
Gratitude to bikram yoga and the good instructors we have for helping me feel my back getting stronger and stronger
Gratitude to the pains I have letting me know where I still need work in my body
Gratitude to my boss for getting a cold laser and being generous with how we use it
Gratitude to the last patient I had today for giving me such a boost when his attitude improved so dramatically after treatment
Gratitude to all my clients for loving their pets so much and welcoming me into those good relationships
Gratitude to DH for being an inspiration about "moving the ball down the field"
Gratitude to my MIL for initiating conversation after some awkwardness
gratitude to my staff for only mentioning how terrible my hair looks in dry weather once and somehow gracefully getting out of that
Gratitude that I still have some chocolate rum balls left to eat before they're all gone
Gratitude that I got to share my favorite chocolate rum balls with friends and family and clients
Gratitude for bright letters from friends
Gratitude for frictionful places to walk on our nighttime walks
Gratitude that a friend offered her backyard as a walkway for me and the dogs anytime to get to the forest!
Gratitude for the beautiful pictures of Fiora we have, and that cheap Ikea frame makes them look so good
Gratitude for the meeting I needed with my boss, and her generosity with her time then
Gratitude for staffmembers that will make hours for me so I don't have to take vacation when it's freezing cold outside
Gratitude for a cat who let me pet him longer than ever before
Gratitude that my boss complimented my dining room rather than noticing the food all over the floor
Gratitude that DH wants to paint the rooms!
Gratitude that my rosemary hadn't died yet, so I could bring it inside
Gratitude that I found storm windows for our bow window, so maybe we can be warmer than we are!
Gratitude that I can go to bed now

Gratitude (III)

Today I feel gratittude about:

Fiora is coughing but only when lying down, really
Getting up at 6am was easy to do
The gingerbread (I finally made it!) is really tasty
Fiora helped me cut and decorate the gingerbread
Gingerbread dough has no eggs and is therefore pretty safe to eat raw
Brian is so on my team, and so good at sitting and not talking sometimes
Family meetings are happening once a week
Fiora put her own money away this week (into the purse, AND back on the shelf!)
How Fiora plays the family meeting harmonica (such clear tone!)
How Brian plays the family meeting harmonica (gamely!)
That I have an excuse to play my harmonica weekly :)
The peace that comes from walking the dogs twice in one day
The joy of toweling down wet dogs who love stuffing their heads into dry towels!
The joy of having wet dogs who wait their turn for towel drying!
The beauty and warmth of our new wood stove
Nimbus' ears are in pretty good shape, and I still plucked them (less ouchy to do it now)
Nimbus was patient enough to let me trim his nails, pluck his ears, and trim his face/feet/etc - which he is not terribly grateful for!
We had one turkey neck and one knuckle bone left to give the dogs on this rainy day with grooming involved
Fiora took a nice afternoon nap
Fiora gives me hugs, and holds my hand, and I also feel so loved from that
I watched an old comedy, and it wasn't terribly memorable but it brings my mind to light places anyway
I have oatmeal cookies, gingerbread cookies (yum!), and chocolate rum balls to distribute!
I have done most of my Christmas shopping (for once)
We met Sequoia's best friend tonight because I knocked on the door and asked if she could play
I managed to clean the kitchen, if not the rest of the house
Fiora picked up her clothes with a whoop to put them away!

Gratitide (II)

This evening:
The company of my dogs, Sequoia's eternal inquisiteness and bouncy jaunty gait, Nimbus' responsiveness (all the more noticeable because he rarely deigns to look at me), the joy of a quiet night with no cars passing us, the soft night air without the sharp bitter cold of the last 2 days
Finding Fiora's binky w/o engaging in emotional baggage about not finding it first for a long time
Toothsome stuffed eggplant cooked by my husband
Tatsoi that was the tastiest I've made yet (not top notch lovable, but still improving)
Train ride on 1927 train car by a river
Seeing Fiora's joy and sudden star-struck shyness at seeing "Santa"
Fiora's cool-headedness at the store, despite trouble (will write more below, that's a PonT story)
Brian being good at taking the rec to nap Fiora this morning
Fiora taking a nap for a good long time prior to our Santa train ride
My small family managing to get in the car with some alacrity to GET to the train ride (though we were still the last ones on!)
The joy I take from the pictures of my family that i hung this morning
the joy of sharing Christmas light sightings and picking favorites on the way home from the train
the smell, taste, and crunch of oatmeal cookies!
the lovey relaxed feeling of getting to bed on time
The rediscovery of what movies make me laugh (the classics!), and a long list of comedies to watch

the finance success: asked Fiora if she wanted to bring her money, she said "yes.' (Which is new.) I mediated, got her little purse from the kitchen and put it on the table where she would see it. She got it when it was time to go, insisted on carrying it herself until we got to the car when she handed it to me for safe-keeping. After the train ride, we went to their little store, and Fiora wanted to get a Thomas-style train. However, they cost about 2x what she had. This was the first thing that upset her. Still, she found a book she wanted, and we found a sale box that had some binoculars she decided she wanted. Just as we got to the front of the line (she stood in line with me!!), I realized she thought the binoculars were a train - I made the point of clarifying, and she got upset, so we left the line. Some confusion in communication, but she eventually decided she DID want the binoculars and the book, so i told her we had to get back in line and she did quite gracefully. (I was impressed with the latter, but also that she was able to bring herself back from being upset to choosing to make a purchase she could make.) After another wait (she did wander a bit this time), we got up front and she handed up her stuff. It turned out that the binoculars from the sale box weren't supposed to be there and weren't really on sale, so I had to tell Fiora that the store made a mistake and she couldn't actually afford the binoculars today (I felt awful doing that, expecting her to be flexible enough to deal with this change! plus I'm SO not enjoying saying she doesn't have enough - I think I personally find it disempowering, and I gotta find another way to deal with money! Like, saying 8 is more than 4; this is too expensive for today? ). But she took it like a champ, commited to getting her book. And as we left, she said she wanted a train for Christmas! This is big for Fiora - every time she's wanted something in the recent past, she's made a big point that she wants it NOW, not any other time. So, cool to be there for that.

And she happily read the book on the way home, then read it to her little elf, and then read it again with her baba before bed. :) Happy purchase after all!

Gratitude

These next series of posts will be repetitive. Vicki just gave a webinar about gratitude, which was great timing because I was just starting to notice how my life feels too tight. Like I've chosen stress over openness. I was remembering how, as a kid, when times were really tough, I was so full of gratitutde when things got better. And it's felt...almost like I've forgotten how to REALLY do that, what it really feels like.

Vicki asked whether we want our kids to know the feeling of gratitude, whether it's a family value for us. And I definitely want to be grateful for my family, and more often! While I don't feel like I embody gratitude enough to say it's a true value for us, I am drawn to it.

So, there is homework. To write down stuff I'm grateful for each day to help keep me in this mindset, to give structure and definitude (ha, not a word) to the good spots in life. I was just using this today because I was SOOO tired and getting really bitchy with undeserving child, couldn't figure out how to get out (of the rabbit hole), and finally found that looking for the good spots of the recent days was really helpful.

Today (already, at 11am), I was and am grateful that:
I was awake enough to get up when Fiora was too restless to sleep at 5:30am
We had a quiet hour this morning and got to see the sun wake up together
I got to feel cold dog fur without having to go outside
I got to see a dusting of snow on the ground this morning
I got to mention footprints in the snow, and turn around to see Fiora with her shoes on and then hear the dog door swing shut after her!
Brian woke up and watched Fiora while I went to the transit station on my own, and I remembered the scrap metal!
I had enough time to successfully drop off clothing donations
i had a chance, and remembered, to go get Christmas tins for treats/cookies
Barney was not as terrible at all as I expected
I got to see fiora finally enjoy hot bath water! And see her enjoy cold water, too, even in the wintertime!
that Fiora had such a long, fun bath, and that she only played with lotions that were perfectly safe
That Fiora told me she had pooped, and that she cheerfully helped me clean her up
Fiora challenges me to find ways to encourage her work with laundry without just dumping it on the floor
Fiora challenges me to find ways to interact with rude noises - to play like Groucho Marx, to change the noise conversation, to
set boundaries at the dinner table
Fiora helped me by opening the new picture fram, and she asked before she opened it
I found time to put pictures in the new frame, and some old frames, and hang OLD but lovely pictures on the wall
We have LOVELY fresh organic farm eggs from outside hens, to make a yummy breakfast, plus pomegranate seeds...yum!
That we only do dishes once a day!
For FreeCycle, so stuff we can't use is a gift to others

It's a long list, but lots of it still feels pretty distant - embracing it will take more awareness and perhaps even some pretense to let my self open up to doing this gratitude thing. Listing is different from creatively considering....

By the way, fiora has been great at saying thank you and giving us kisses and hugs lately. Maybe she's inspiring me, too!

Through her eyes and ears....

It was not a good morning. In my anger/frustration-veiled memory, Fi yelled at me for reading a cereal box; showed no interest in getting prepared to greet the morning cold; couldn't get out of the car once we got to daycare because she had just peed in her fresh pull-up, which normally she'll wear until it's heavy with pee; and then tearfully clung to me while I fretted about being late to work (until I distracted her with the thought of what was in her snackbox, buried in her travel bag).

The yelling thing is kindof coming to a head. Fi went through a phase when she was assigning things to herself or to others, and I think through that she got a sense of ownership of various random objects that are actually shared. We were amused by her claims, and frankly I liked that she was expressing herself forcefully but nonviolently. However, yesterday and today I realized that it felt really rude to be yelled at by a preschooler who is old enough to know the difference between polite speech and rudeness, between shared objects and ownership. I have no delusions that she knows this well right now, but figured it's time to start clarifying. Too bad these realizations often come in a spurt of anger and not in the clarity of thoughtfulness! (Perhaps if I blogged more....)

But, while I was feeling the anger/frustration (even voiced it to DH), I realized how stuck it was in my body, and I felt like Fi and i were stuck there a bit...it reminded me of hitting a button, and I realized i needed a tool. I realized, too, that I wouldn't like being talked to like I talked to her today, in many ways...but I still lack clarity. So the tool/experiment for today is to recreate the day through Fiora's eyes as best as I can:

She's enjoying breakfast, chowing down on cereal, using her spoon all proper and paying attention to not getting soy milk on her clothes (something she's gotten a lot better at over the last few weeks). Then Mama starts reading stuff on the cereal box, the cereal box that holds HER cereal (really her dad's cereal, but hers for the purpose of this morning as Mama doesn't eat it). It feels invasive to her sense of ownership, and she tells me to back off. Mama gets decidedly cranky and says, "That's enough. It is not okay to yell at Mama." Fiora is startled, and scared, and cries, because Mama has never seemed to mind before, and she doesn't like cranky mama anyway. But it seems to have passed, so she finishes her cereal and we talk of different things.

She was still a bit upset about cranky mama coming out of nowhere like a scary monster, and didn't gather herself to get ready for heading out. She does that better in an encouraging setting, and is still easily distracted. This morning, she focuses on the Dora pajamas mama wanted to send to a thrift store but Fiora salvaged and is quite, quite proud of. They make her happy and give her comfort. Mama mentions shoes, and a coat, but those don't make Fiora happy, so she ignores then. Thankfully, her dad intervenes, takes her sweetly downstairs and into her carseat before Mama can lose another hinge. Mama frustratedly gather shoes, coat; takes it personally (oops, always oops); and forgets to forgive stressed and (did I mention?) still sick Fi.

Once at daycare, she urinates in her pullup and feels great distress. When she's at daycare, she tries to be like her friend Alia and use the potty. When she urinates in her carseat, it reminds her of the time she did NOT have a pullup, and she gets upset. She wants to take off the pullup immediately, to take control of the situation, but mama has already taken everything inside while Fiora was busy being upset so there are no pullups left in the car. Mama demands that they go inside after telling her the pullups are all inside (Fiora really wants something HERE/NOW), picks her up and takes her inside - she feels a loss of control over the situation.

Once inside, she has a hard time self-soothing. Everything seems off. She does take off her barely wet pullup and put a new one on, but the sense of a loss of control is still there, and she's still shaken by urinating in the car AND cranky mama. Mama gets more cranky because Fiora won't let go of her leg and mama is going to be late which will set a bad tone for her whole day at work (which is tightly scheduled), but finally distracts with another self-soothing technique - you go find the snack box, and explore it. Take charge of something fun. So Fiora finds her way to self-soothing, which was much more powerful than mama telling her she would be okay or reinforcing that mama loves Fiora.

Well, that's good perspective. I can see the pros and cons of what I did much better.

Since that morning, fiora has been very affectionate - lots of kisses, and hugs. I wonder if she's finding her power to soothe her mama, or trying to make sure things are okay between us. Or if she really appreciates having appropriate boundaries. Who knows....but I love the kisses and hugs!!

Did you ever...

...catch a glimpse of your face in a mirror after talking to your child and suddenly imagine how it felt to be on the other end? I did, tonight - and it wasn't that I was being angry, or snippy, or condescending. I was just being tired, and busy - but when I saw that face, I just realized that I didn't like was it was telling the people around me. In acceptance of reality, some days I am just gong to be too tired or feel used up, I suppose. But I wonder if that really stops me from imagining how I really want to be, how to give well to those around me, how to connect...or if it just deters me if I'm not strong in my vision?

Stories? Not much - I'm too tired! ;)

Family Meeting: Fiora is doing appreciations more often than not - feels so good! We talking about adding contributions at the next meeting - Fiora's contribution to the list was "clean harmonicas" - too bad they suffer from water! I should check in with the forums about that for ideas on how to invite her into the process more. She just started getting $3/week - riches! Can't wait to see what she invests in.

Connection: time to connect with my tiredness, walk the dogs and go to bed!