Observations..and Being a Toddler

I was walking the dogs tonight, after reading some PonT blogs (always inspiring to me). And my big dog, Nimbletoes, was pulling some, so I did a correction that has slowly been allowing him to decide to choose some things other than pulling. And I realized something. I have more power than I sometimes think. When I make that correction from a place of irritation (a stronger correction, undoubtably), i swear that he pulls more. When I make that same physical move from a place of desire to communicate, without any judgment on his speed of learning or his willingness to place my desires over his own, I swear he responds more creatively and more sensitively (over the ongoing course of the walk). Not to mention that I feel more connected with him and our surrounding world at the same time.

It puts me in mind of something else. This morning Fiora and I were getting ready to take the trash to the transit station. I made the observation that she would need some shoes before we left. It wasn't nagging, and it didn't feel like interfering, just an observation. I didn't really expect it to do anything but perhaps make the future shoe-finding more focused. Tossed some trash in the car, fussed with it a bit, and turned around...to find Fiora had gone inside, found her boots, put them on, and come back outside. So capable, this girl. :) I gotta say, she wowed me a bit. And I was a bit unsure whether to celebrate or to graciously accept her feat - the latter came more naturally to the moment, so I did that, but I swear she had a spring in her step all the same! Being capable makes her feel so big.

And here's a biggie: Fiora is teaching me SO MUCH about myself. I am a toddler at heart.

Food texture aversion? Check - bokchoy and dark green that aren't cooked to death are too fibrous which makes them YUCKY; slimy okra, of course, could make me vomit, as can eggplant seeds; and a non-crispy apple or soft toast? What's the point?

Difficulty leaving the house? Check - prior to Fiora, my trick was to move fast - grab the wallet and the keys and I'm out of the house. If I didn't do that, I would (what else?) noodle! Yep, find things to distract me...there was something comforting about not HAVING to leave, about beating the clock by messing about, about avoiding feeling (here's something key I just realized) EXTERNAL pressure to move. It was torture my first baby-year, slowing down and training myself to pack a whole diaper bag and check a diaper before I left the house. But that training of myself has made me much better about checking in with MYSELF about my priorities before leaving the house, and I'm a lot better about bringing the right stuff with me now and about managing my time. That external pressure? Well, leftover from not learning to depend upon myself for direction and choices as a child, I suppose - so glad to be doing PonT for Fiora (and us).

Fighting external authority? Check - I couldn't even bear to have a timer or a clock for our child, it made me feel so tense to have something outside ourselves telling us what to do. Again, something has shifted about that. I just bought a clock (as recommended on another blogger's post!), and it arrived today and I'm excited to show Fiora what bedtime and awake time look like (though it may take her a while to learn to tell time, I realize!).

Trouble with transitions? Check - I used to throw mini-tantrums when my parents told me it was time for a bath! Not that I didn't like baths. I liked baths a lot. But I couldn't bear to leave whatever it was that I was doing (often reading). This was such a big deal that often my diary entries would consist of "I HATE BATHS!" over and over. Even though I didn't really, once I was in one (in fact, again, I would stay forever rather than make a hasty transition!!). Poor Fiora, Brian also does fairly poorly at transitions....

Trouble going to bed in a timely fashion? Check - until this year, I would literally push myself to stay awake for hours past when I felt tired, reading or on the computer or "noodling" about. When I started to check in, I realized that I felt pretty lousy during those late hours; and when I checked in more, I realized that I felt pretty tense, like Fiora gets when she's up too late (though I find her easier to read than myself!). Who knew? I always thought of "being tired" as when I couldn't read anymore...but that was more like exhausted. No wonder that when I tried to go to bed early I had trouble falling asleep - I was constantly sleep deprived. Finally have myself on a much healthier sleep schedule (though Fiora still dislikes going to bed intensely many nights!).

Tendency to eat too many sweets? Check - the only benefit I've found from that is that I can say out loud how lousy I feel when I eat too many sweets (Bri's homemade cookies are to DIE for...and easy to grab for a snack, sad to say....)...and hopefully fiora will also see me start to eat less and less of them *crossing my fingers*

The excellent thing about this? As I'm learning how many ways I am like a toddler, I'm learning ways to manage those issues (or perhaps shift my attitude towards them), and it's such a win-win thing - helps me with Fiora, and helps plain ol' me!

Percolations and Connection

Don't know what to call this post yet, as it seems the percolation of a couple of processes. Wed was my weekday off, and I was spending the day with Fiora, of course. And I started noticing things. Maybe this was brought on by my revelation about community, so I was looking for things to be a little more connected than I used to believe possible...not sure. But what I started noticing was that even when I thought I was connecting with her, when my brain analyzed and said, "that's a connecting thing to do, to engage with her in conversation, to listen to her stories and ask questions, to tell her stories, to draw with her, to invite her to help with the cooking," there was still a disconnect. Part of what clues me in to this is her response, of course, though it's hard to articulate just what that is...just not melting into me, though she tries to sometimes? Anyway, it was fascinating, and revelatory; uncomfortable, and yet somehow very comforting to be able to sit with a see it...because it gives me hope that we can get somewhere better.

And then just today, driving along, something clicked. Exactly like what happened after I first learned about the 4 Big C's, when I realized I had to allow myself to count before I could really tell my husband/dogs/child that they count to me, I realized that when I'm not connecting well to myself, it's impossible for me to connect well to anyone else.

DAMN, how do I do that? Well, nobody said this was going to be easy....!

That belonging stuff...

I can't quite articulate it, so this post will be way short, but just being aware of how my belief of lack of community was present, I've found myself standing in different places. It's like, I'll be with Fiora or a friend, and suddenly realize I don't feel connected, and that sparks me to remember that belief about lack of community, and that must push me in some way to wonder what it would be like without that, and then a little spark happens...a warm little spark. I quite like it. I don't "own" it, it's not habit, but its happening!

On another note, we had family meeting yesterday...and due to recent family meetings, I thought Fiora would just wonder off. But instead, she ran to get the harmonica to start the meeting! And then she even handed it off to me to play...I don't quite get that from my power girl, but it was great to see how proud she was of taking the initiative to get the music maker! (Makes me glad I forgot!) I'm sure it didn't hurt that (a) we had just finished dinner so we were all three at the table anyway; and (b) I promised ice cream after family meeting for all who stayed. It was great! Fiora got her allowance for the first time in months, I think. (It's now sitting on the cedar chest, completely unloved and unclaimed.)

Thanks again for all the comments on the last post - amazing how that helped me feel a community right here, growing right from what seems like such a big gap in who I am.

Gotta walk the dogs on this hot steamy night, all be well!!

All those C's...or what it feels like to belong...

Not to mention my own baggage...again. I've been realizing lately that I have this belief that I don't have or don't belong to any community. Funny how long it's taken me to realize I have this belief - the blindness of the inner eye. And not realizing how much my beliefs shape how I interact with the world (thank you, Buttons training, for helping me reach this spot). It's obvious where this comes from: I was a kid with a very sick father and with food allergies all my young social life, so the sharing of food and home that helps bind people together were things I had to eschew...plus I felt like my experiences at home weren't something other kids would understand, so I didn't share my stories, either. But again, I hadn't realized that this had translated into a BELIEF until I started living my life with this new found, parenting-on-track fed awareness.

And of course, I really don't want to model for Fiora this beleif in no community. It's kindof funny, looking back, because once she was born I worked really hard to create a community through FCL (Families for Conscious Living), an on-line and very cool state-wide (and beyond, occasionally) parenting group. I would end my days exhausted and still know I needed to get on line and post something so that people would start to know who I was and so I would feel comfortable enough when I met them. So FCL has also been pushing me to this realization. Heck, I think having a CHILD pushes me in this direction.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, besides opening up to wondering what it would be like if I DID believe I have and belong in communities, ones I already feel comfortable in (but perhaps haven't fully claimed) like FCL and friends from the past (via facebook, primarily), and ones that are ripe for joining (like my neighborhood). I'm finding I approach people with a whole different energy when I'm conscious enough to pretend I believe this!

So, yet again, I write more about myself than Fiora, but she is my inspiration, over and over again.

In fact, this arose because I realized that I didn't really feel like I was connecting enough, that I wasn't just sitting and being with her...even being in community with my own family can be challenging!

So, seeing and understanding and accepting is the first step.

DH's Evening: Fiora Stars!

Darling Husband came home tonight with Fiora. He wanted her to take her shoes off before coming upstairs (hurrah! Great idea! But a new concept for her at our house), but she really wanted to wear them (granted, she was hungry and grouchy, or perhaps that makes what follows even more amazing). He said, "If you wear them, we'll have to clean up the living room." And she, who is used to being asked to contribute in little ways, and who is used to being asked questions that we mean, said "okay." Praise be to my husband, he realized he had to stand by his offer, so they came upstairs, where Fiora started clammoring for food. He told her, "We have to clean the living room first." And with no complaining, she took her little broom off the wall; sweep up a little pile; got her dustpan and brush and picked up the pile; threw it away in the garbage; put away her dustpan; and hung up her broom. Then she proceeded to eat some well-earned cherries.

I am floored. Absolutely floored. And beaming with pride inside. (She was long in bed by the time I got home.) I've been dying to show Fiora how to properly sweep, but all I've ever done is modeled this behavior (I don't know if she was trained at all at daycare) and gotten her tools so I can invite her to join me. She is amazing, and my husband was amazing to do all the right things that allowed her to make her own discovery about cleaning and choices.

Did I meantion "x" about "yes, as soon as"

I mean, how encouraging it is to have that simple tool!! (that's the "x" alluded to in the title.)

I've been getting frustrated that Fiora is slowly destorying our CDs, DVDs, and CD/DVD drives. I kindof assumed DH would be the one in charge of protecting those, as he's the one who has the most, but he completely hasn't (perhaps taking the lead from me, because I hadn't mentioned I'd given it up? Who knows). So today, when Fi started playing with the new external harddrive we bought after the CD/DVD drives in both of our computers failed (hmmmm.....), I was definitely button-like: "No! Don't touch that!" (anymore)

I didn't like the sound of my own voice, the feel of my own body language, so I tried to adapt. "Okay, Fiora...you can touch the CD discs, but first you need to show me you know how to take care of them. Mama didn't realize how fragile they are, and we need to start over." I don't know how much sense that made, but Fiora proceeded to ask me if she could see a CD 10-20 minutes later, and so I proceeded to make sure her hands were clean and then show her a few ways to handle a CD without damaging it. She paid a lot of attention - she's pretty motivated about this.

Anyway, it was really nice to have an option besides "You can't handle that!" To have an option that said, I'd like you to be able to do this, and I trust you can, but there's some learning that needs to happen first. It's up to you. And it was also really nice to see how responsive she was, and how doing it this way did't hurt any feelings, know what I mean?

The joy of "Yes, as soon as...."

So, four months into PoT (make that five), Fiora is starting to voluntarily put her breakfast dish at the kitchen sink after breakfast. Cool! Patience pays off, and I'm not using nagging AT ALL, which is such a joy. On the downside of this, she's watching videos many mornings because that's so reliably something she asks for! (and hence allows the use of "yes, as soon as...").

Another milestone: Fiora has started telling us she's sleepy sometimes, and will allow us to leave before reading the book 3 times if she's sleepy (ie, no tantrums) - we both honor her by asking if she wants to keep the book in bed or have us put it away, and she gets her choice there. We also count "one, two, three!" with her as we put out the light, and that little routine seems to help her, too. The biggest thing, I have to say, has been what all the experts say: having a bedtime routine. She LOVES yelling out what we'll start with (brushing teeth!), or pjs, or book - she really does find power in the routine.

Also, I've been getting a little frustrated that she's in and out of the kitchen pantries, cuboards, and refrigerator at LOT. Just yesterday, though, I was wondering what it is that she's enjoying the most these days. It used to be coloring was her passion. Now...I'm just starting to realize that its story-telling (getting so much more vocal and rambling, and of course difficult to follow at this stage!) and kitchen-play. So...when she started bringing dirt in various tupperware and dishes inside (through the dog door) tonight, I slowly came up with a plan. "You need an outside kitchen! Wait here, I'll be right back!" And I brought up an old crate I'd bought at the Junk Shop in town (just because it was old and cool, though it hasn't had a job at our house until now), plunked it down outside so the top faced forward and made a "shelf" space, and said, "Now you have an outside kitchen where you can play with dirt!"

At first she wasn't quite sure, but then her father popped by and asked, "Hey, Fiora, is that your outside kitchen?" and that prompted a quick "Yes!" She stocked it full of breakfast dishes and toy pans, and we were all happy. I LOVE win-win solutions.

Next problem: While there's a part of me that admires the creativity involved when one plays with one's food at the dinner table, I find it distracting from the business of eating and enjoying food and conversation and company. This may be more like those problems that get listed during the week and by the weekend they're not really problems anymore. Fiora doesn't really play with her food for long before we start asking if she's done, and then she'll announce that she's done and down she goes!

Other next problem: I don't like it when our food gets used as play items; I believe it is wasteful, and I don't like cleaning it up if it gets left out, and I don't like some foods getting stale, and I worry about bugs getting into the jars. Fiora is getting into my click-top glass jars with nuts, lentils, and raisins. She can open them now, which is fun, and she loves to play with the foods and sometimes eat them. I haven't made a rule about these, I've been really ambiguous about it (why, I don't know! guilt about suppressing child-creativity????). I'm thinking I would be willing to give her a small glass jar of her own, as long as she is careful with it (it would need to stay inside where we could clean it up if it broke), but our food jars are off limits. And I'm also thinking that I need to involve her in making breakfast (like when I make eggs, or pancakes) and lunch (not a frequent thing due to work) and dinner (though this has to be fast most nights so she can get to bed, which may work against us). Gods, I love writing this stuff out!