Gratitude (V)

I need some practice.
Besides which, during the week or two I was really writing these down daily, life seemed really good. Obviously, this is something I could indulge in daily or every other day to the benefit of me and my family.

For today:
I am so grateful for the time I had on the sofa, in front of the lovely dying woodstove fire, napping on my husband's shoulder
i am grateful for cheery dogs excited (as always!) for a 9:30pm walk on icy roads
I am grateful for YakTraks making a walk on icy hilly roads an enitrely do-able project
I am grateful that I seem to have gotten the hang of putting on the YakTraks so they are no longer springing off my feet at unknown spots on the trail/walk
I am grateful that neither Fi nor I got hurt when we walked on an icy patch in a parking lot today (and slipped)
I am grateful for Fi's courage in getting right back on her feet and continuing to walk after slipping on ice
i am grateful for a husband who refused to let my grumpy, tired, self-pitying, sick-feeling self get him down today
I am grateful I had an excuse to go outside and do some excavation around the mailbox - it was good to be outside and exercise and forget how lousy I felt for a while
I am grateful to my husband for tending the fire all day, and for making a big dinner, and for cleaning up afterwards!
I am grateful to my husband for not taking it to heart that I didn't really enjoy his dinner!
I am grateful to Fi for enjoying yogurt with me today - the one reliable food stuff for my semi-appetite today
I am grateful to Fi for being so courageous as to apologize today after elbowing me repeatedly in the belly while climbing over me in efforts to be read to or work on the computer, and after I decided to get away from her to protect myself - she apologized an hour later when she got up to go nighttime potty
i am grateful to myself for apologizing to Fi for not being tough enough to be elbowed and climbed on - and for talking about the things I AM good, hugs and reading and chasing and massages and kissing booboos and drawing and carrying and the like - it turned my angry, turning-away moment into an affirmation of good loving stuff
I am grateful to Fi for not losing it more than she did when the car door tried to close on her today!
I am grateful to the woman at the post office who was completely charmed by Fiora and told me so
I am grateful to Fi for mostly helping us keep her face clean today
i am grateful to Fi for noticing and telling me when she needed to go potty
i am grateful to Fi for saying she didn't want her snow suit at all, and then for playing outside in her pajamas and boots, and then for letting me guide her back to the car when _I_ got nervous about her getting cold - something about integrity of desires and good communication there
I am grateful to Jinxy for not staying outside tonight ('cause I worry about him), and for not scratching anyone today - hm, need more positive thought patterns for the cat!
I am grateful to Fi for solving the problem of her post-dinner hunger - we don't like to do more food after dinner, dinner is for solving the hunger problem, though I wasn't too keen on dinner tonight - and I broached this with DH when Fi had repeated "I'm hungry" several times - and then Fi wandered back in the room with some leftover from dinner, and proceeded to eat it almost all up!
I am grateful to the fig tree and amyryllis for growing in this crazy snow season and being beautiful
i am grateful to the UPS lady for being so helpful with my un-taped package
i am grateful to Fi for being willing to leave the store after we'd gotten our valentine's supplies
I am grateful to PonTr and allowances for helping me and Fi deal with her desires for every candy on the shelf at the store
I am grateful to the nighttime for being here, and it being time to sleep and heal and recuperate

Contributions, la la la!

Well, after posting about how contributions were completely getting away from me, I decided (1) we needed to write what our contributions are on the white board (it's mostly a cooking white board otherwise); and (2) it was time to reinvest in the training aspect of contributions.

It was been so worth it. And the timing couldn't be better - Fiora has just discovered a letters and reading program that she can use on our computers, and she's really motivated to use it just about every morning. When she's not, she's interested in a post-breakfast snack. So either way, we have an external motivator that helps gets her moving on her contribution in the mornings.

Fiora's last contribution has been the kitchen (and it's lasted for 2 weeks due to a lousy big sucky illness that has taken us all down and blurred right over family meeting). She's been learning to put the clean dishes away - and now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I could actually let her put away more stuff, use her stool or stand on the counter. It's so cool to see her really focus on putting a pot away in the right place, or learning how to stack the tupperware so it all fits (I should train DH this well!!). And then we've been washing dishes together, and she's finally starting to actually rinse, wash, then rinse again, and then stack the dishes so they can drain - it's amazing! I've seen her go through so many stages of washing dishes, but now it's finally all coming together. And I can honestly say, without the structure of Parenting on Track, I really wouldn't have managed to encourage Fiora to help around the house like this. But it feels so good and natural.

One of the things that surprises me is how much I enjoy spending time with fiora when we're working on tasks - washing dishes together (even though water does get rather all over), putting dishes away together (I'm in an entirely different heart space when I'm sharing this task with her rather than getting it done with so the kitchen doesn't get overwhelming!!), or even folding laundry together before late-day computer time - she really inspires me, and it really feels like bonding time, which makes the subsequent computer time she takes much easier for me to give her (computer time often feeling anti-bonding!).

She's definitely jonesing to get bathroom duty again, though!

Getting my PoT fix

Okay, going and reading just a single post on the forum is settling me down, tempting me out of the rabbit hole I virtually pushed myself into. Maybe it's not all about me being overwhelmed, or her being sick. Maybe I can think of this as power child stuff - I certainly get angry enough. And then feel really guilty - what a sucky combination

The thing that cracked me tonight was my daughter telling me to go get her pajamas from the clean laundry (not yet folded). I resented that, the way it was said, yet had to admit that she was being responsible about her pajamas. If I had kept a clear head, i might have recognized that. I could have admired her desire for pajamas, and asked what "we" could do about the fact that there were no pajamas in her room, invited her into the process - and been a good role model.

Hm, the flaw I can see in that lovely-seeming scenario is my own resentment of needing to do anything _I_ didn't plan that will require my energy. Which means I could've resented having to propose something that would keep me involved for longer. I guess I need to make a choice there. Be willing to spend the little energy and time in the clear-minded pursuit of civility and connection with my child - I've just drifted away from that priority, because nothing outside of me has been keeping me there. i miss reading weekly posts by other blogging mamas; I miss having monthly local meetings. I guess I may need to start visiting the forums more than blogging, at least for a while, to feed my enthusiasm for this amazing job or parenthood.

Poor girl. I've been modeling muddle-headedness and lack of focus, is it any wonder that she's following my lead?

So, my anger. What was it about?

My daughter doesn't respect me, and bosses me about. (I've been requesting questions or please, but we've done that for several months now, and I think it's a good time to stop requesting AND top responding to impolite demands - how's she supposed to learn otherwise!!)
Other option: i haven't responded appropriately consistently to let her know what works well and what doesn't
My daughter is overly demanding and doesn't respect how tired I am (she's also very loving, with kisses and words), even when I tell her (she threw a tantrum the other night because I was getting sore drawing on her easel so said I didn't want to draw the last person she requested) and isn't grateful for what I do
Other option: I haven't been connecting with her much (because I'm tired) and she's missing me (she says so)
Other option: about the drawing, I don't really know! It's great to have her invite us to draw, because she mostly doesn't like us singing. I guess I just ignored that - she sure pouted and everything. Maybe it was like she'd been really cool and invited me to draw with her (her favorite pasttime) and I rejected her after a while? To do nothing, just to sit down! i could see that being confusing. Next time I could offer to draw on a piece of paper on the table or floor, and see if that makes a difference. It is actually fun drawing with her, I really like to do it.

Which brings me to (1) Family Meetings - maybe this is a sign of being tired, but after weeks of pulling off meetings even though I've been tired (trying to get the bedroom back to a restful place, but new bedframe may be disrupting? Maybe it's the varnish? Don't know, so frustrating!), and I was kindof proud of myself for that. This week, though, maybe a sign that we were slipping, it didn't happen. So...either this weekend (sometimes we make it up on a weekend) or next Wednesday, commit anew!
(2) It's possible that part of the reason Family Meeting didn't happen is that we've started contributions, and after a great first week, I've been lackluster about spending 5-10 minutes on contributions every morning. First, it feels like the job of dishes from the table needs work, so if dishes are still on the table i kindof wait for an excuse to do "as soon as" about that, or point them out for her. Then, if I mention contributions and work on mine without any sign of interest from her, I feel like I'm too tired to role model well, like I'll just nag her or something, so I let it slide. Then it's time to get dressed and go to daycare, and my opportunity is gone. I could try using morning gummies as something that occurs after dishes and contributions. I have used computer time (Wiggles, Dora) as only after contributions, but she doesn't ask me for computer time much (much more my husband, and at night he's too busy with dinner to ask for contributions first! and doesn't know if she's already done them).
Well, it's good to write this out. I think I'll read about other people's experiences with contributions on the forum, and start again tomorrow! :)

Mama Crankidom

I don't know what to do. I know I've been feeling sick and tired and unable to rest well kand, now that I think about it, sortof disconnected in some ways (but not in others, which may be why I didn't noticed - in some ways, I'm more connected than ever, though that doesn't mean fully). And when I'm sick and tired, and feeling vaguely overwhelmed, my top priority is to get space and to find something to help me feel better. Which means my fuse is short, and Fiora feels the brunt of that - I just couldn't possibly bear the exhaustion I feel trying to deal with her whiny, illogical requests these days (ah, yes, she could be feeling the effects of illness, too - no obvious signs for any of us - so it's kindof confusing and not clear at all). Of course, I don't think _I'm_ whiny - I'm being clear about my boundaries and my needs, and seeing the threat of falling apart looming and choosing to cut myself off rather than show the example of falling apart.

I'm wondering if there's a better way to deal with mild chronic pain and tiredness. I know sometimes, if I let myself look for a creative answer to things, I get really energized. And I wonder if I'm keeping myself tired somehow. (I can go in circles all day and night wondering these things.) I guess the real question is, do I want to do things differently in my family? Mostly I feel really tired in response, like who thinks of these questions anyways. I wonder if there's a way to be true to myself. It's hard to ignore Fiora right now, but I'm tired enough that I just cut myself off, I don't just ignore her, I cut her lose and wander off happily thinkingn I'm done with that drama - it's different from the feeling of being connecting and caring about her and making a choice to ignore undesirable behavior. Then again, there's the question of when to pay attention to undesirable behavior - if she's sick, is it really okay to expect her to be reasonable and happy and know how to ask requests at age 3?

Contributions...amazement

Last night was family meeting. Yet again, I'd been feeling tired and hadn't prioritized making some neat tags of paper or popsicle sticks or whatever to pull out of a hat or a pile, so I just piped up and named a few rooms. I sortof assigned Fiora the bathroom randomly then, me the dining room, DH the kitchen. Then I asked Fiora is she wanted something else, but she wanted (!) the bathroom. Cool. Didn't feel like we'd really talked about the whole thing enough, even though I've said a sentence or two about it for the last month or two.

This morning after breakfast, when Fi wanted to watch Wiggles, I told her we had to do contributions first, and I got busy cleaning the dining room table and chairs, the floor underneath (didn't take that much time...! Yes, I'm contribution challenged, too!). Then I announced it was time for the bathroom, and Fi cheered (!), ran into the bathroom, opened the closet, and grabbed the toilet brush with joy (! wow, what a world this is!). Then she happily plunged it about in the toilet. I told her how to dry it off by tapping it on the edge of the toilet, which she did. Then she announced, "we need water!" and she pointed to the very top shelf of the bathroom closet where the big container of white vinegar is kept. WTH!?!? Did i mention that I'm contribution challenged? She may have seen me use that once, MAYBE twice, in recent history. I am floored.

I asked what else needed cleaning, and she didn't say anything - finally stated that she needed a bath, so I suggested cleaning the tub. Excitement! So we cleaned the tub together (it's big, that's my excuse for helping, plus it was the first time, plus _I_ was excited), then she took a bath.

This is way cool. She has so impressed me today.

Gratitude (IV)

Still practicing...gratitude that DH is holding his own, has his inner peace still, despite lots of pressure at work (AND Harry Potter's last book being much darker than he wanted!!)....gratitude that despite a frustrating lack of sleep, I haven't much lost my composure, and when I have, at least I've wondered if there might have been a way not to, despite the lack of sleep.
Gratitude for my late night, cold-biting air walk with the always grateful dogs, the dark night sky, the Christmas lights of neighbors making deep nighttime dog walks unthreatening despite the possibility of ice on the road
Incredible gratitude that I got to see Fiora pick up ALL THE BANAGRAMS, just because Bri mentioned that they needed to be picked up (!!), and that she was in a good space for doing it :) - love that!
Gratitude for all the good meals I haven't mentioned yet this weed (ie, gratitude for good, tasty, healthy food!!) - tonights garlic pasta, and organic roasted potatoes with butter, and egg nog for dessert (not actually enhanced really by the addition of rum, I think)...for cabbage rolls that were so tasty Fiora ate 2 of them (!)...
For a client who was able to be truly grateful, despite the difficulty for her in being so (indepnedent woman), for the gift of services she could not afford - that was a such a gift for her to give me
Gratitude that the salt lamp I bought because it sounded cool and because I could may finally be the answer to Fiora's night light
Gratitude for the recent spate of good movies, after a dearth of good stories in my life: Funny Girl with an amazing Barbara Streisand, Cheaper by the Dozen (not as good as I'd hoped, but fun to watch an old movie), How to train your Dragon (the gift of laughter), Veggie Tale's fanciful tale of St Nick seen with Fiora, looking forward to Despicable Me (lent by the same staff member)
Gratitude for hot tea on cold mornings
Gratitude for wood coming tomorrow for the wood stove
Gratitude for good timing on Christmas presents (!)
Gratitude for a cheap organic shirt found at Walmart (!)
Gratitude for Fiora showering us with kisses during blessing tonight, and last night
Gratitude that Fiora likes her comforter - for finally finding peace that our daugher is not freezing in her cold room
Gratitude for the time to sweep the family room and kitchen yesterday - a brief but welcome respite!
Gratitude for being able to clean the kitchen despite being tired and sleepy
Gratitude for the dogs always being so even keeled when I'm feeling tired and/or cranky
Gratitude for cold dogs waking me up the morning excited that it's so cold and/or snowy!
Gratitude to DH for not being amorning person yet being willing to get up early to shovel the steep driveway
Gratitude to our daycare provider for taking Fiora even when she's a bit sick
Gratitude to FCL CT for being such an inspiration of support for each other
Gratitude to Jenn for organic moisturizer that may have cured by winter skin
Gratitude to bikram yoga and the good instructors we have for helping me feel my back getting stronger and stronger
Gratitude to the pains I have letting me know where I still need work in my body
Gratitude to my boss for getting a cold laser and being generous with how we use it
Gratitude to the last patient I had today for giving me such a boost when his attitude improved so dramatically after treatment
Gratitude to all my clients for loving their pets so much and welcoming me into those good relationships
Gratitude to DH for being an inspiration about "moving the ball down the field"
Gratitude to my MIL for initiating conversation after some awkwardness
gratitude to my staff for only mentioning how terrible my hair looks in dry weather once and somehow gracefully getting out of that
Gratitude that I still have some chocolate rum balls left to eat before they're all gone
Gratitude that I got to share my favorite chocolate rum balls with friends and family and clients
Gratitude for bright letters from friends
Gratitude for frictionful places to walk on our nighttime walks
Gratitude that a friend offered her backyard as a walkway for me and the dogs anytime to get to the forest!
Gratitude for the beautiful pictures of Fiora we have, and that cheap Ikea frame makes them look so good
Gratitude for the meeting I needed with my boss, and her generosity with her time then
Gratitude for staffmembers that will make hours for me so I don't have to take vacation when it's freezing cold outside
Gratitude for a cat who let me pet him longer than ever before
Gratitude that my boss complimented my dining room rather than noticing the food all over the floor
Gratitude that DH wants to paint the rooms!
Gratitude that my rosemary hadn't died yet, so I could bring it inside
Gratitude that I found storm windows for our bow window, so maybe we can be warmer than we are!
Gratitude that I can go to bed now

Gratitude (III)

Today I feel gratittude about:

Fiora is coughing but only when lying down, really
Getting up at 6am was easy to do
The gingerbread (I finally made it!) is really tasty
Fiora helped me cut and decorate the gingerbread
Gingerbread dough has no eggs and is therefore pretty safe to eat raw
Brian is so on my team, and so good at sitting and not talking sometimes
Family meetings are happening once a week
Fiora put her own money away this week (into the purse, AND back on the shelf!)
How Fiora plays the family meeting harmonica (such clear tone!)
How Brian plays the family meeting harmonica (gamely!)
That I have an excuse to play my harmonica weekly :)
The peace that comes from walking the dogs twice in one day
The joy of toweling down wet dogs who love stuffing their heads into dry towels!
The joy of having wet dogs who wait their turn for towel drying!
The beauty and warmth of our new wood stove
Nimbus' ears are in pretty good shape, and I still plucked them (less ouchy to do it now)
Nimbus was patient enough to let me trim his nails, pluck his ears, and trim his face/feet/etc - which he is not terribly grateful for!
We had one turkey neck and one knuckle bone left to give the dogs on this rainy day with grooming involved
Fiora took a nice afternoon nap
Fiora gives me hugs, and holds my hand, and I also feel so loved from that
I watched an old comedy, and it wasn't terribly memorable but it brings my mind to light places anyway
I have oatmeal cookies, gingerbread cookies (yum!), and chocolate rum balls to distribute!
I have done most of my Christmas shopping (for once)
We met Sequoia's best friend tonight because I knocked on the door and asked if she could play
I managed to clean the kitchen, if not the rest of the house
Fiora picked up her clothes with a whoop to put them away!