Out of Control...Into Relationship (Parenting on Track)

Update

2011-07-21T22:49:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I think getting an anonymous poster/comment threw me more than I realized.

Family Meetings: Fiora has just started saying real appreciations! So cool...though I need to restrain myself from offering suggestions when she seems to get lost and stressed about what to say. We're really enjoying using the laminated pictures+words to keep track of our contributions, and putting them on the fridge with magnets. Once Fiora insisted on choosing TWO, which could've been a great time to admire her dedication and verve, but instead dissolved into her choosing which one she wanted to do each day and picking just one. Family meetings now happen much more reliably and with less effort, but are still not regularly weekly. Fiora enjoys spending her allowance - especially at grocery stores!

Contributions: She really knows where the clean dishes go and how to put them away; how to put soap in the dish washer and run it (though not when!); how to wash dishes; she's made dinner once or twice (with her dad's help); she's helping get out utensils and salad dressing and ketchup and the like (doubly useful since it keeps her from asking for snacks before dinner!); she's washing dishes better and better. She knows where to put her different clothes away and just learned how to put shirts and dresses on a hanger; she's learning about the laundry machines. She's getting better (faster) at putting her toys away and identifying what's trash/mess on the floor. She knows how to clean the bathroom sink; toilet; tub; and mirror. Hurrah!

She's really avoided sweeping or mopping....might have to make that happen. And contributions ONLY happen because Fi almost always wants to watch some netflix or do computer time...I feel like I could do better at helping her understand the joys of contributions...especially if I delved into that more myself!!

Roadmap: what roadmap? I'm STILL jonesing for a family roadmap...started my second version months and months ago, would like to set up time to talk it over with DH.

DNSN: it would be fun to do this again. New baby on the way will help facilitate this!

The Four C's: I feel pretty good about connection most days (it's such a delight with this verbal playful girl we have now!), and telling her she counts; I'm still a bit of a wimp when it comes to encouraging her to have courage, letting her challenge herself into frustration, but those moments still happen with fair regularity so I'm not preventing them (hardest when I think she's feeling sick but am not sure!!). Am I missing one?

Buttons: have felt great about these, then tonight my back was sore and the dogs were pulling a little on a hot humid night that does NOT deserve any dog or person feeling feisty enough to pull, my expectations flared, and I got cranky in button-style. *sigh* Certainly don't want to be too cocky!!

Hm, should review my PoT book and see what I've remembered and what I've forgotten....

Was that a GOOD rabbit hole?

2011-03-23T17:07:00.003-04:00

So weird. Sometimes I don't understand this stuff. Today I continued to be edgy-mama - not willing/able to tolerate Fiora's screams about wanting her binky in the car after she dropped it (usually I can talk her down from this stuff of act). Told her I loved her dearly, and somehow really meant it in the moment...then told her I wasn't going to be talking to her while she was screaming. The telling her I loved her seemed to take the edge of her screaming but surely didn't stop it, and I talked to myself about the stuff I was passing to keep my calmness going, which worked surprisingly well, and kept me from getting sucked into the passionate world of the back seat.

This afternoon, it was her naptime and she didn't want to nap, but I NEEDED her to nap desperately. Thank goodness DH stepped in and helped facilitate napping. And I left with the dogs, feeling destined to have a miserable walk with them given the mood I was in, but knowing that they were overdue for a lovely long woodsy ramble.

Couldn't believe my luck when I actually was enjoying the walk, the light snowfall, the dogs' excitement. And then they started pulling me rudely all over the place, and I realized how sore my body was, and I could feel myself getting dark and angry. I did my typical responses: managing the situation by not letting the dogs walk on long leashes but at heel; allowing the dogs to "self-train" by jerking into the end of the leash and holding it firm - the former does help them settle down and remember I'm there, the latter has not seemed to help one of my dogs ever. Getting darker and darker inside. Then, for some reason, I decided to give myself the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps I was right to be upset about this situation. And to acknowledge that what I was doing wasn't working terribly well. And somehow, out of my self-conscious, I chose a different approach: letting the dogs on long leash, but asking them to stop and wait at a point I was choosing. This is fairly intensive: voice command, leash reinforcement, making sure whichever dog was behind is asked to stop at the same place as the first dog, keeping my attention on them so that attempts to break their "wait" position are not allowed and to reinforce my command to wait, breathing well and edging gently through them so I was just a bit ahead of them before releasing them. And that beginner's mind was with me - I didn't expect it to work. But my god, the bigger dog, who always gets overexcited when he's on long leash, started offering me gazes, checking in with me, settling down. Gods, it almost makes me cry, it was so quick, and so long awaited!

Anyways, gotta go shopping, and dreading taking my daughter with me.

Just to finish this off, i did go shopping with Fiora, and it was lovely. DH offered to watch her while I went, but Fi suddenly intensely wanted to go. I countered that it was a quick trip and if she wanted to go she needed her underwear, pants, and shoes on, plus a jacket, or I was going. She sortof freaked out, I gave her a minimum of guidance to those objects she was looking for (and walking around, like her pants on the short table in the living room!), and I kept prepping for the trip, doing something to prep for dinner at the same time, getting DH to find me money - it honestly took me longer than I expected, and Fi managed to get mostly ready on her own without crying, so I helped her at the very end (crooked sock). And off we went. Again, I assumed it would be a mess. Fi wanted a lollipop. I told her she could get a banana and an apple - she got a banana and an old orange, and we really were off. She often likes to play before getting in the car, but I let her know that I wasn't waiting, and she popped right in the carseat and asked for her banana. We got to the store, she wanted to ride the car-cart, but it was wet from the snow - I didn't blow my top for some reason, but found some newspaper-y coupons and dried off the "car", and again, away we went. Found my veg for dinner, Fi saw some cereal she wanted on sale (I completely missed it; sharp eyes, that girl!). I asked if she brought her money for it, and she went sheepish and said no and was ready to move on. I actually bought it anyway, 'cause it was a good deal and we're on vacation (staycation) next week and car-snacks are running low. When we were in line, I told her she could get out of the 'car' to visit the flowers as long as she stayed nearby where I could see her and didn't touch. She did it. She came back into the car. We weren't checked out yet, so she got back out and asked if she could visit the candy/toy machines. I said sure, but I'd be leaving soon. She did not wander. When I was ready to go, she ran in front of me. I don't know why we had such a good time together, maybe I'm figuring out some way to set boundaries better and have higher expectations and the transition is rough for me, but I'm glad to have so many bright moments in a day filled with rabbit hole moments!

We are SO not going down the rabbit hole...oops....

2011-03-21T22:26:00.003-04:00

So much I was going to write about tonight:
Child deciding not to eat veggies, child facing natural consequence of no dessert without good nutrition to counterbalance it --> meltdown later
Child faced parent-set consequence of getting down from dinner table - no conversation, no being picked up until parents done eating, no 2nd chance to eat, no computer time until dinner is over --> nagging parents at table and being almost completely ignored (huzzah! Even had to pick her up and move her twice.)
Child wanted computer time after dinner, but it was too late - must teach her to check a clock, and do so myself so I don't set her up for getting computer time after dinner and then put myself in the position of 'taking it away'
Child did not want to go bed (tired? She didn't sleep until 10:30pm in her room last night...), avoiding brusing teeth (first part of bedtime ritual), so i said, "Great, let's find some pajamas!" But then Fi decided she did want to brush teeth (she knows the natural consequence there: no sugar the next day if she can't show that she can protect her teeth from sugar - and i'm ready to do it. We even have unsweetened soy milk we can open up, and i can make oatmeal without honey, and snackbox with just nuts and chips, and no fruit - though really honey and fruit may be okay) So proud of her choice! And her pulling it together.
Child didn't like her pj's, so I offered to go get the clean laundry (learned from another post!) - child insisted on puling the basket of laundry to her room 'by herself!" She then put clean clothes all over the room, BUT also found pajamas to wear and put them on. A win.
Child did not want to go to bed, hence did not want to read a book, so I told her okay and I'd see her in the orning but she didn't have to sleep. Child threw fit and said wanted to read a book. I didn't shut door, came back in. Child threw fit and didn't want to go to bed. Repeat above. Child picked out book and we read it.
And here I get hazy. She wanted me to read it a 2nd time, which i don't usually do, but I said I'd read it really fast. and the it was a flap book and she insisted on doing the flaps, which meant I couldn't read it fast. So I said okay, but I'd be done reading at "x" time on the clock. But for some reason, I felt like I hadn't honored myself like I'd managed to do all night - can't quite pin it down - started getting kidnof pissed off.
At "x" o'clock, I got up and Fi went to the bathroom. Lately she's been playing while on the toilet, so I made sure the bathroom toys were all put away (not quite, oops!) and let her do her business on her own. Then I had to put a dog tick in the toilet, and Fi confessed that she was done. Then a toy got dropped in a poopy toilet. Uck! Fi took it out, and then i was insistent that she wash her hand and that the toy get washed. When I gave her a rag to dry her hands, she had a meltdown that she wanted her pink rag. Which was in the dirty laundry. But she thought the pink glass-rag or whatever those microfiber rags are that don't dry off hands well was hers. And I kindof went down the rabbit hole. Dried her hands. Picked her up with her pjs. Put her on her bed, put on her pj's. She wanted to be put in her old crib, and I told her she could take the pillows and blankets herself if she wanted to do that. She said they were too heavy, and DH took over from me.
When I came back from the dog walk, DH reported that she got in the bed without pillow or blanket. (It's cold in the crib room) And was sortof asleep. We decided to give her a blanket, not the big blanket but a small blanket that she would realize she COULD carry to the crib if she wanted to. She had, in fact, found a blanket in the crib and was using it, too. i told her I loved her, she smiled at me, and that's been it.
i found I really enjoyed holding the line, and NOT being angry but being sure about what i found acceptable and what I didn't. I did NOT like being angry.
We have decided that she can do potty breaks after bedtime, but that we'll put the bathroom toys away and stuff on the sink away, and that one of us will stay in the bathroom but not talk to her. This is something we'll explain to her tomorrow. She can use the crib, but if she changes her mind about where she wants to sleep after lights are out, she needs to carry stuff there on her own. If she drops her water before she falls asleep, she needs to get it on her own. She's been putting off sleeping later and later, and tonight's multiple meltdowns suggest to me that she's not getting enough sleep again. I really wish we could use a time on the clock for bedtime, but we cook from scratch and end up eating later than we want to almost every work night. Maybe we can talk about ways to help ourselves with that. My crock pot exploration has been a disaster. DH hasn't liked having help in the kitchen...though tonight he broke that rule, and Fi's old enough that we CAN help each other in the kitchen if we want to. Maybe next month I'll try to find quick recipes - it's taken so long for me to find recipes any of us want to eat, that's been my first priority! ;)

Gratitude (VI)

2011-02-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

Yeah, it's repetitive; and yeah, it's worth it. Though maybe I'll start adding it all to one big humongous post so the posts don't get too dreary for others.

Today, I'm grateful that we got through all our shopping
I'm grateful that I remembered my new client's name when we saw her in the store!
I'm grateful that DH gave me time/space to walk the dogs before bitter nighttime today
I'm grateful that DH and I found a movie we both wanted to watch, and that we got to watch a movie together
I'm grateful that our new ice cream maker worked...even if the ice cream makes my stomach feel sick!
I'm grateful that the dogs like to eat our food when it's not quite good enough to eat!
I'm grateful that I'm the only one who ate the smoked salmon, which I then decided might be off....(maybe it's not the ice cream...)
I'm grateful to DH for shovelling the rest of the icy snow away from our mail box
I'm grateful to the powers that be for melting some of this snow away without any ice dams or leaks
I'm grateful that the snow was just high enough to make it easy for me to step over our gate to find nimbus' toy after I threw it over the fence
I'm grateful that I got to see the beautiful crescent moon in the early evening tonight
i'm grateful yet again for my YakTraks keeping me safe on our hilly, slightly icy walk tonight
I'm grateful to the sun for making my car so cozy and warm today...
And grateful to my husband for not complaining when I needed the icy cold wind on my wrist out the open window of our car
I'm grateful to Sequoia for lovely snuggles during movie watching tonight
I'm grateful to Fi for being my gelato-eating companion at Whole foods (another reason for sick stomach?)
I'm grateful to Fi for being so brave so many times today, when DH and I were feeling rather dictatorish about reinforcing rules about binkies only out for sleep (in the car, naptime, bedtime)
I'm grateful to Fi for her utterly charming dances, and for being pulled out onto the dance floor by the silliest of tunes!
I'm grateful to Fi for enjoying "Larryboy" with the same silly gusto that I do
I'm grateful to the icicles for falling in lazy straight pieces onto the snow, and being a different color, and just being lovely on the earth which I didn't expect
I'm grateful for dry, safe roads
I'm grateful to our amyryllis for it's beautiful, startling red blossoms that opened today
I'm grateful to my vision boards
I'm grateful to Jinxy for being almost a friend to Fiora today and yesterday

And then, for Feb 12th:
I'm grateful Fiora's cough hasn't gotten worse! (It's bad enough)
I'm grateful that I can feel enjoyment in my dogs, and am glad t make time for my cat - not sure where that priority had slipped away to, or why it had become work, but I am grateful to find my joy again
I'm grateful that there were other really interesting Parenting on Track posts to read tonight!
I'm grateful that my appetite seems better, and that DH made a non-greasy, yummy eggplant parm tonight
I'm so grateful that DH made brownies for the Valentine Ball, and even though he was sick!
I'm grateful that DH got up before Fiora and I got the sleep in - such luxury!
I'm grateful that DH is feeling better, well enough to eat dinner
I'm grateful that I can run past the 4 houses on the hill without getting out of breath again
I'm grateful that I feel anxious to get back to yoga after 3 weeks of "sick leave"
I'm grateful that we kept our rhythm at work today, despite all the complex cases we were seeing on a 2 person day
I'm grateful that, though it's hard to say goodbye to our patients and see their owners suffer grief, all the deaths recently have been good ones, at the right time, with loved ones to support them
I'm grateful that my staff is so much fun, and so supportive
I'm grateful that I thought of checking out the magnet school sites before applications closed
I'm grateful that Debby's comments on FCL made me look into what classes Fi can start if she's interested, and summer camps
I'm grateful that my dogs are snuggled up to me right now like they've never done before, one on each side
I'm grateful that I've gotten to hear Jinxy purr almost every day for 5 days now - happy sound
I'm grateful that the mess in my house does not depress me!
I'm grateful that the FCL community has parties and welcomes me and mine and that I got to see friends today!

Gratitude (V)

2011-02-05T22:13:00.002-05:00

I need some practice.
Besides which, during the week or two I was really writing these down daily, life seemed really good. Obviously, this is something I could indulge in daily or every other day to the benefit of me and my family.

For today:
I am so grateful for the time I had on the sofa, in front of the lovely dying woodstove fire, napping on my husband's shoulder
i am grateful for cheery dogs excited (as always!) for a 9:30pm walk on icy roads
I am grateful for YakTraks making a walk on icy hilly roads an enitrely do-able project
I am grateful that I seem to have gotten the hang of putting on the YakTraks so they are no longer springing off my feet at unknown spots on the trail/walk
I am grateful that neither Fi nor I got hurt when we walked on an icy patch in a parking lot today (and slipped)
I am grateful for Fi's courage in getting right back on her feet and continuing to walk after slipping on ice
i am grateful for a husband who refused to let my grumpy, tired, self-pitying, sick-feeling self get him down today
I am grateful I had an excuse to go outside and do some excavation around the mailbox - it was good to be outside and exercise and forget how lousy I felt for a while
I am grateful to my husband for tending the fire all day, and for making a big dinner, and for cleaning up afterwards!
I am grateful to my husband for not taking it to heart that I didn't really enjoy his dinner!
I am grateful to Fi for enjoying yogurt with me today - the one reliable food stuff for my semi-appetite today
I am grateful to Fi for being so courageous as to apologize today after elbowing me repeatedly in the belly while climbing over me in efforts to be read to or work on the computer, and after I decided to get away from her to protect myself - she apologized an hour later when she got up to go nighttime potty
i am grateful to myself for apologizing to Fi for not being tough enough to be elbowed and climbed on - and for talking about the things I AM good, hugs and reading and chasing and massages and kissing booboos and drawing and carrying and the like - it turned my angry, turning-away moment into an affirmation of good loving stuff
I am grateful to Fi for not losing it more than she did when the car door tried to close on her today!
I am grateful to the woman at the post office who was completely charmed by Fiora and told me so
I am grateful to Fi for mostly helping us keep her face clean today
i am grateful to Fi for noticing and telling me when she needed to go potty
i am grateful to Fi for saying she didn't want her snow suit at all, and then for playing outside in her pajamas and boots, and then for letting me guide her back to the car when _I_ got nervous about her getting cold - something about integrity of desires and good communication there
I am grateful to Jinxy for not staying outside tonight ('cause I worry about him), and for not scratching anyone today - hm, need more positive thought patterns for the cat!
I am grateful to Fi for solving the problem of her post-dinner hunger - we don't like to do more food after dinner, dinner is for solving the hunger problem, though I wasn't too keen on dinner tonight - and I broached this with DH when Fi had repeated "I'm hungry" several times - and then Fi wandered back in the room with some leftover from dinner, and proceeded to eat it almost all up!
I am grateful to the fig tree and amyryllis for growing in this crazy snow season and being beautiful
i am grateful to the UPS lady for being so helpful with my un-taped package
i am grateful to Fi for being willing to leave the store after we'd gotten our valentine's supplies
I am grateful to PonTr and allowances for helping me and Fi deal with her desires for every candy on the shelf at the store
I am grateful to the nighttime for being here, and it being time to sleep and heal and recuperate

Contributions, la la la!

2011-02-02T11:14:00.003-05:00

Well, after posting about how contributions were completely getting away from me, I decided (1) we needed to write what our contributions are on the white board (it's mostly a cooking white board otherwise); and (2) it was time to reinvest in the training aspect of contributions.

It was been so worth it. And the timing couldn't be better - Fiora has just discovered a letters and reading program that she can use on our computers, and she's really motivated to use it just about every morning. When she's not, she's interested in a post-breakfast snack. So either way, we have an external motivator that helps gets her moving on her contribution in the mornings.

Fiora's last contribution has been the kitchen (and it's lasted for 2 weeks due to a lousy big sucky illness that has taken us all down and blurred right over family meeting). She's been learning to put the clean dishes away - and now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I could actually let her put away more stuff, use her stool or stand on the counter. It's so cool to see her really focus on putting a pot away in the right place, or learning how to stack the tupperware so it all fits (I should train DH this well!!). And then we've been washing dishes together, and she's finally starting to actually rinse, wash, then rinse again, and then stack the dishes so they can drain - it's amazing! I've seen her go through so many stages of washing dishes, but now it's finally all coming together. And I can honestly say, without the structure of Parenting on Track, I really wouldn't have managed to encourage Fiora to help around the house like this. But it feels so good and natural.

One of the things that surprises me is how much I enjoy spending time with fiora when we're working on tasks - washing dishes together (even though water does get rather all over), putting dishes away together (I'm in an entirely different heart space when I'm sharing this task with her rather than getting it done with so the kitchen doesn't get overwhelming!!), or even folding laundry together before late-day computer time - she really inspires me, and it really feels like bonding time, which makes the subsequent computer time she takes much easier for me to give her (computer time often feeling anti-bonding!).

She's definitely jonesing to get bathroom duty again, though!

Getting my PoT fix

2011-01-14T21:00:00.002-05:00

Okay, going and reading just a single post on the forum is settling me down, tempting me out of the rabbit hole I virtually pushed myself into. Maybe it's not all about me being overwhelmed, or her being sick. Maybe I can think of this as power child stuff - I certainly get angry enough. And then feel really guilty - what a sucky combination

The thing that cracked me tonight was my daughter telling me to go get her pajamas from the clean laundry (not yet folded). I resented that, the way it was said, yet had to admit that she was being responsible about her pajamas. If I had kept a clear head, i might have recognized that. I could have admired her desire for pajamas, and asked what "we" could do about the fact that there were no pajamas in her room, invited her into the process - and been a good role model.

Hm, the flaw I can see in that lovely-seeming scenario is my own resentment of needing to do anything _I_ didn't plan that will require my energy. Which means I could've resented having to propose something that would keep me involved for longer. I guess I need to make a choice there. Be willing to spend the little energy and time in the clear-minded pursuit of civility and connection with my child - I've just drifted away from that priority, because nothing outside of me has been keeping me there. i miss reading weekly posts by other blogging mamas; I miss having monthly local meetings. I guess I may need to start visiting the forums more than blogging, at least for a while, to feed my enthusiasm for this amazing job or parenthood.

Poor girl. I've been modeling muddle-headedness and lack of focus, is it any wonder that she's following my lead?

So, my anger. What was it about?

My daughter doesn't respect me, and bosses me about. (I've been requesting questions or please, but we've done that for several months now, and I think it's a good time to stop requesting AND top responding to impolite demands - how's she supposed to learn otherwise!!)
Other option: i haven't responded appropriately consistently to let her know what works well and what doesn't
My daughter is overly demanding and doesn't respect how tired I am (she's also very loving, with kisses and words), even when I tell her (she threw a tantrum the other night because I was getting sore drawing on her easel so said I didn't want to draw the last person she requested) and isn't grateful for what I do
Other option: I haven't been connecting with her much (because I'm tired) and she's missing me (she says so)
Other option: about the drawing, I don't really know! It's great to have her invite us to draw, because she mostly doesn't like us singing. I guess I just ignored that - she sure pouted and everything. Maybe it was like she'd been really cool and invited me to draw with her (her favorite pasttime) and I rejected her after a while? To do nothing, just to sit down! i could see that being confusing. Next time I could offer to draw on a piece of paper on the table or floor, and see if that makes a difference. It is actually fun drawing with her, I really like to do it.

Which brings me to (1) Family Meetings - maybe this is a sign of being tired, but after weeks of pulling off meetings even though I've been tired (trying to get the bedroom back to a restful place, but new bedframe may be disrupting? Maybe it's the varnish? Don't know, so frustrating!), and I was kindof proud of myself for that. This week, though, maybe a sign that we were slipping, it didn't happen. So...either this weekend (sometimes we make it up on a weekend) or next Wednesday, commit anew!
(2) It's possible that part of the reason Family Meeting didn't happen is that we've started contributions, and after a great first week, I've been lackluster about spending 5-10 minutes on contributions every morning. First, it feels like the job of dishes from the table needs work, so if dishes are still on the table i kindof wait for an excuse to do "as soon as" about that, or point them out for her. Then, if I mention contributions and work on mine without any sign of interest from her, I feel like I'm too tired to role model well, like I'll just nag her or something, so I let it slide. Then it's time to get dressed and go to daycare, and my opportunity is gone. I could try using morning gummies as something that occurs after dishes and contributions. I have used computer time (Wiggles, Dora) as only after contributions, but she doesn't ask me for computer time much (much more my husband, and at night he's too busy with dinner to ask for contributions first! and doesn't know if she's already done them).
Well, it's good to write this out. I think I'll read about other people's experiences with contributions on the forum, and start again tomorrow! :)

Mama Crankidom

2011-01-14T20:30:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to do. I know I've been feeling sick and tired and unable to rest well kand, now that I think about it, sortof disconnected in some ways (but not in others, which may be why I didn't noticed - in some ways, I'm more connected than ever, though that doesn't mean fully). And when I'm sick and tired, and feeling vaguely overwhelmed, my top priority is to get space and to find something to help me feel better. Which means my fuse is short, and Fiora feels the brunt of that - I just couldn't possibly bear the exhaustion I feel trying to deal with her whiny, illogical requests these days (ah, yes, she could be feeling the effects of illness, too - no obvious signs for any of us - so it's kindof confusing and not clear at all). Of course, I don't think _I'm_ whiny - I'm being clear about my boundaries and my needs, and seeing the threat of falling apart looming and choosing to cut myself off rather than show the example of falling apart.

I'm wondering if there's a better way to deal with mild chronic pain and tiredness. I know sometimes, if I let myself look for a creative answer to things, I get really energized. And I wonder if I'm keeping myself tired somehow. (I can go in circles all day and night wondering these things.) I guess the real question is, do I want to do things differently in my family? Mostly I feel really tired in response, like who thinks of these questions anyways. I wonder if there's a way to be true to myself. It's hard to ignore Fiora right now, but I'm tired enough that I just cut myself off, I don't just ignore her, I cut her lose and wander off happily thinkingn I'm done with that drama - it's different from the feeling of being connecting and caring about her and making a choice to ignore undesirable behavior. Then again, there's the question of when to pay attention to undesirable behavior - if she's sick, is it really okay to expect her to be reasonable and happy and know how to ask requests at age 3?

Contributions...amazement

2010-12-23T07:16:00.002-05:00

Last night was family meeting. Yet again, I'd been feeling tired and hadn't prioritized making some neat tags of paper or popsicle sticks or whatever to pull out of a hat or a pile, so I just piped up and named a few rooms. I sortof assigned Fiora the bathroom randomly then, me the dining room, DH the kitchen. Then I asked Fiora is she wanted something else, but she wanted (!) the bathroom. Cool. Didn't feel like we'd really talked about the whole thing enough, even though I've said a sentence or two about it for the last month or two.

This morning after breakfast, when Fi wanted to watch Wiggles, I told her we had to do contributions first, and I got busy cleaning the dining room table and chairs, the floor underneath (didn't take that much time...! Yes, I'm contribution challenged, too!). Then I announced it was time for the bathroom, and Fi cheered (!), ran into the bathroom, opened the closet, and grabbed the toilet brush with joy (! wow, what a world this is!). Then she happily plunged it about in the toilet. I told her how to dry it off by tapping it on the edge of the toilet, which she did. Then she announced, "we need water!" and she pointed to the very top shelf of the bathroom closet where the big container of white vinegar is kept. WTH!?!? Did i mention that I'm contribution challenged? She may have seen me use that once, MAYBE twice, in recent history. I am floored.

I asked what else needed cleaning, and she didn't say anything - finally stated that she needed a bath, so I suggested cleaning the tub. Excitement! So we cleaned the tub together (it's big, that's my excuse for helping, plus it was the first time, plus _I_ was excited), then she took a bath.

This is way cool. She has so impressed me today.

Gratitude (IV)

2010-12-16T22:08:00.002-05:00

Still practicing...gratitude that DH is holding his own, has his inner peace still, despite lots of pressure at work (AND Harry Potter's last book being much darker than he wanted!!)....gratitude that despite a frustrating lack of sleep, I haven't much lost my composure, and when I have, at least I've wondered if there might have been a way not to, despite the lack of sleep.
Gratitude for my late night, cold-biting air walk with the always grateful dogs, the dark night sky, the Christmas lights of neighbors making deep nighttime dog walks unthreatening despite the possibility of ice on the road
Incredible gratitude that I got to see Fiora pick up ALL THE BANAGRAMS, just because Bri mentioned that they needed to be picked up (!!), and that she was in a good space for doing it :) - love that!
Gratitude for all the good meals I haven't mentioned yet this weed (ie, gratitude for good, tasty, healthy food!!) - tonights garlic pasta, and organic roasted potatoes with butter, and egg nog for dessert (not actually enhanced really by the addition of rum, I think)...for cabbage rolls that were so tasty Fiora ate 2 of them (!)...
For a client who was able to be truly grateful, despite the difficulty for her in being so (indepnedent woman), for the gift of services she could not afford - that was a such a gift for her to give me
Gratitude that the salt lamp I bought because it sounded cool and because I could may finally be the answer to Fiora's night light
Gratitude for the recent spate of good movies, after a dearth of good stories in my life: Funny Girl with an amazing Barbara Streisand, Cheaper by the Dozen (not as good as I'd hoped, but fun to watch an old movie), How to train your Dragon (the gift of laughter), Veggie Tale's fanciful tale of St Nick seen with Fiora, looking forward to Despicable Me (lent by the same staff member)
Gratitude for hot tea on cold mornings
Gratitude for wood coming tomorrow for the wood stove
Gratitude for good timing on Christmas presents (!)
Gratitude for a cheap organic shirt found at Walmart (!)
Gratitude for Fiora showering us with kisses during blessing tonight, and last night
Gratitude that Fiora likes her comforter - for finally finding peace that our daugher is not freezing in her cold room
Gratitude for the time to sweep the family room and kitchen yesterday - a brief but welcome respite!
Gratitude for being able to clean the kitchen despite being tired and sleepy
Gratitude for the dogs always being so even keeled when I'm feeling tired and/or cranky
Gratitude for cold dogs waking me up the morning excited that it's so cold and/or snowy!
Gratitude to DH for not being amorning person yet being willing to get up early to shovel the steep driveway
Gratitude to our daycare provider for taking Fiora even when she's a bit sick
Gratitude to FCL CT for being such an inspiration of support for each other
Gratitude to Jenn for organic moisturizer that may have cured by winter skin
Gratitude to bikram yoga and the good instructors we have for helping me feel my back getting stronger and stronger
Gratitude to the pains I have letting me know where I still need work in my body
Gratitude to my boss for getting a cold laser and being generous with how we use it
Gratitude to the last patient I had today for giving me such a boost when his attitude improved so dramatically after treatment
Gratitude to all my clients for loving their pets so much and welcoming me into those good relationships
Gratitude to DH for being an inspiration about "moving the ball down the field"
Gratitude to my MIL for initiating conversation after some awkwardness
gratitude to my staff for only mentioning how terrible my hair looks in dry weather once and somehow gracefully getting out of that
Gratitude that I still have some chocolate rum balls left to eat before they're all gone
Gratitude that I got to share my favorite chocolate rum balls with friends and family and clients
Gratitude for bright letters from friends
Gratitude for frictionful places to walk on our nighttime walks
Gratitude that a friend offered her backyard as a walkway for me and the dogs anytime to get to the forest!
Gratitude for the beautiful pictures of Fiora we have, and that cheap Ikea frame makes them look so good
Gratitude for the meeting I needed with my boss, and her generosity with her time then
Gratitude for staffmembers that will make hours for me so I don't have to take vacation when it's freezing cold outside
Gratitude for a cat who let me pet him longer than ever before
Gratitude that my boss complimented my dining room rather than noticing the food all over the floor
Gratitude that DH wants to paint the rooms!
Gratitude that my rosemary hadn't died yet, so I could bring it inside
Gratitude that I found storm windows for our bow window, so maybe we can be warmer than we are!
Gratitude that I can go to bed now

Gratitude (III)

2010-12-12T22:37:00.002-05:00

Today I feel gratittude about:

Fiora is coughing but only when lying down, really
Getting up at 6am was easy to do
The gingerbread (I finally made it!) is really tasty
Fiora helped me cut and decorate the gingerbread
Gingerbread dough has no eggs and is therefore pretty safe to eat raw
Brian is so on my team, and so good at sitting and not talking sometimes
Family meetings are happening once a week
Fiora put her own money away this week (into the purse, AND back on the shelf!)
How Fiora plays the family meeting harmonica (such clear tone!)
How Brian plays the family meeting harmonica (gamely!)
That I have an excuse to play my harmonica weekly :)
The peace that comes from walking the dogs twice in one day
The joy of toweling down wet dogs who love stuffing their heads into dry towels!
The joy of having wet dogs who wait their turn for towel drying!
The beauty and warmth of our new wood stove
Nimbus' ears are in pretty good shape, and I still plucked them (less ouchy to do it now)
Nimbus was patient enough to let me trim his nails, pluck his ears, and trim his face/feet/etc - which he is not terribly grateful for!
We had one turkey neck and one knuckle bone left to give the dogs on this rainy day with grooming involved
Fiora took a nice afternoon nap
Fiora gives me hugs, and holds my hand, and I also feel so loved from that
I watched an old comedy, and it wasn't terribly memorable but it brings my mind to light places anyway
I have oatmeal cookies, gingerbread cookies (yum!), and chocolate rum balls to distribute!
I have done most of my Christmas shopping (for once)
We met Sequoia's best friend tonight because I knocked on the door and asked if she could play
I managed to clean the kitchen, if not the rest of the house
Fiora picked up her clothes with a whoop to put them away!

Gratitide (II)

2010-12-11T21:47:00.003-05:00

This evening:
The company of my dogs, Sequoia's eternal inquisiteness and bouncy jaunty gait, Nimbus' responsiveness (all the more noticeable because he rarely deigns to look at me), the joy of a quiet night with no cars passing us, the soft night air without the sharp bitter cold of the last 2 days
Finding Fiora's binky w/o engaging in emotional baggage about not finding it first for a long time
Toothsome stuffed eggplant cooked by my husband
Tatsoi that was the tastiest I've made yet (not top notch lovable, but still improving)
Train ride on 1927 train car by a river
Seeing Fiora's joy and sudden star-struck shyness at seeing "Santa"
Fiora's cool-headedness at the store, despite trouble (will write more below, that's a PonT story)
Brian being good at taking the rec to nap Fiora this morning
Fiora taking a nap for a good long time prior to our Santa train ride
My small family managing to get in the car with some alacrity to GET to the train ride (though we were still the last ones on!)
The joy I take from the pictures of my family that i hung this morning
the joy of sharing Christmas light sightings and picking favorites on the way home from the train
the smell, taste, and crunch of oatmeal cookies!
the lovey relaxed feeling of getting to bed on time
The rediscovery of what movies make me laugh (the classics!), and a long list of comedies to watch

the finance success: asked Fiora if she wanted to bring her money, she said "yes.' (Which is new.) I mediated, got her little purse from the kitchen and put it on the table where she would see it. She got it when it was time to go, insisted on carrying it herself until we got to the car when she handed it to me for safe-keeping. After the train ride, we went to their little store, and Fiora wanted to get a Thomas-style train. However, they cost about 2x what she had. This was the first thing that upset her. Still, she found a book she wanted, and we found a sale box that had some binoculars she decided she wanted. Just as we got to the front of the line (she stood in line with me!!), I realized she thought the binoculars were a train - I made the point of clarifying, and she got upset, so we left the line. Some confusion in communication, but she eventually decided she DID want the binoculars and the book, so i told her we had to get back in line and she did quite gracefully. (I was impressed with the latter, but also that she was able to bring herself back from being upset to choosing to make a purchase she could make.) After another wait (she did wander a bit this time), we got up front and she handed up her stuff. It turned out that the binoculars from the sale box weren't supposed to be there and weren't really on sale, so I had to tell Fiora that the store made a mistake and she couldn't actually afford the binoculars today (I felt awful doing that, expecting her to be flexible enough to deal with this change! plus I'm SO not enjoying saying she doesn't have enough - I think I personally find it disempowering, and I gotta find another way to deal with money! Like, saying 8 is more than 4; this is too expensive for today? ). But she took it like a champ, commited to getting her book. And as we left, she said she wanted a train for Christmas! This is big for Fiora - every time she's wanted something in the recent past, she's made a big point that she wants it NOW, not any other time. So, cool to be there for that.

And she happily read the book on the way home, then read it to her little elf, and then read it again with her baba before bed. :) Happy purchase after all!

Gratitude

2010-12-11T11:02:00.003-05:00

These next series of posts will be repetitive. Vicki just gave a webinar about gratitude, which was great timing because I was just starting to notice how my life feels too tight. Like I've chosen stress over openness. I was remembering how, as a kid, when times were really tough, I was so full of gratitutde when things got better. And it's felt...almost like I've forgotten how to REALLY do that, what it really feels like.

Vicki asked whether we want our kids to know the feeling of gratitude, whether it's a family value for us. And I definitely want to be grateful for my family, and more often! While I don't feel like I embody gratitude enough to say it's a true value for us, I am drawn to it.

So, there is homework. To write down stuff I'm grateful for each day to help keep me in this mindset, to give structure and definitude (ha, not a word) to the good spots in life. I was just using this today because I was SOOO tired and getting really bitchy with undeserving child, couldn't figure out how to get out (of the rabbit hole), and finally found that looking for the good spots of the recent days was really helpful.

Today (already, at 11am), I was and am grateful that:
I was awake enough to get up when Fiora was too restless to sleep at 5:30am
We had a quiet hour this morning and got to see the sun wake up together
I got to feel cold dog fur without having to go outside
I got to see a dusting of snow on the ground this morning
I got to mention footprints in the snow, and turn around to see Fiora with her shoes on and then hear the dog door swing shut after her!
Brian woke up and watched Fiora while I went to the transit station on my own, and I remembered the scrap metal!
I had enough time to successfully drop off clothing donations
i had a chance, and remembered, to go get Christmas tins for treats/cookies
Barney was not as terrible at all as I expected
I got to see fiora finally enjoy hot bath water! And see her enjoy cold water, too, even in the wintertime!
that Fiora had such a long, fun bath, and that she only played with lotions that were perfectly safe
That Fiora told me she had pooped, and that she cheerfully helped me clean her up
Fiora challenges me to find ways to encourage her work with laundry without just dumping it on the floor
Fiora challenges me to find ways to interact with rude noises - to play like Groucho Marx, to change the noise conversation, to
set boundaries at the dinner table
Fiora helped me by opening the new picture fram, and she asked before she opened it
I found time to put pictures in the new frame, and some old frames, and hang OLD but lovely pictures on the wall
We have LOVELY fresh organic farm eggs from outside hens, to make a yummy breakfast, plus pomegranate seeds...yum!
That we only do dishes once a day!
For FreeCycle, so stuff we can't use is a gift to others

It's a long list, but lots of it still feels pretty distant - embracing it will take more awareness and perhaps even some pretense to let my self open up to doing this gratitude thing. Listing is different from creatively considering....

By the way, fiora has been great at saying thank you and giving us kisses and hugs lately. Maybe she's inspiring me, too!

Through her eyes and ears....

2010-11-22T11:33:00.003-05:00

It was not a good morning. In my anger/frustration-veiled memory, Fi yelled at me for reading a cereal box; showed no interest in getting prepared to greet the morning cold; couldn't get out of the car once we got to daycare because she had just peed in her fresh pull-up, which normally she'll wear until it's heavy with pee; and then tearfully clung to me while I fretted about being late to work (until I distracted her with the thought of what was in her snackbox, buried in her travel bag).

The yelling thing is kindof coming to a head. Fi went through a phase when she was assigning things to herself or to others, and I think through that she got a sense of ownership of various random objects that are actually shared. We were amused by her claims, and frankly I liked that she was expressing herself forcefully but nonviolently. However, yesterday and today I realized that it felt really rude to be yelled at by a preschooler who is old enough to know the difference between polite speech and rudeness, between shared objects and ownership. I have no delusions that she knows this well right now, but figured it's time to start clarifying. Too bad these realizations often come in a spurt of anger and not in the clarity of thoughtfulness! (Perhaps if I blogged more....)

But, while I was feeling the anger/frustration (even voiced it to DH), I realized how stuck it was in my body, and I felt like Fi and i were stuck there a bit...it reminded me of hitting a button, and I realized i needed a tool. I realized, too, that I wouldn't like being talked to like I talked to her today, in many ways...but I still lack clarity. So the tool/experiment for today is to recreate the day through Fiora's eyes as best as I can:

She's enjoying breakfast, chowing down on cereal, using her spoon all proper and paying attention to not getting soy milk on her clothes (something she's gotten a lot better at over the last few weeks). Then Mama starts reading stuff on the cereal box, the cereal box that holds HER cereal (really her dad's cereal, but hers for the purpose of this morning as Mama doesn't eat it). It feels invasive to her sense of ownership, and she tells me to back off. Mama gets decidedly cranky and says, "That's enough. It is not okay to yell at Mama." Fiora is startled, and scared, and cries, because Mama has never seemed to mind before, and she doesn't like cranky mama anyway. But it seems to have passed, so she finishes her cereal and we talk of different things.

She was still a bit upset about cranky mama coming out of nowhere like a scary monster, and didn't gather herself to get ready for heading out. She does that better in an encouraging setting, and is still easily distracted. This morning, she focuses on the Dora pajamas mama wanted to send to a thrift store but Fiora salvaged and is quite, quite proud of. They make her happy and give her comfort. Mama mentions shoes, and a coat, but those don't make Fiora happy, so she ignores then. Thankfully, her dad intervenes, takes her sweetly downstairs and into her carseat before Mama can lose another hinge. Mama frustratedly gather shoes, coat; takes it personally (oops, always oops); and forgets to forgive stressed and (did I mention?) still sick Fi.

Once at daycare, she urinates in her pullup and feels great distress. When she's at daycare, she tries to be like her friend Alia and use the potty. When she urinates in her carseat, it reminds her of the time she did NOT have a pullup, and she gets upset. She wants to take off the pullup immediately, to take control of the situation, but mama has already taken everything inside while Fiora was busy being upset so there are no pullups left in the car. Mama demands that they go inside after telling her the pullups are all inside (Fiora really wants something HERE/NOW), picks her up and takes her inside - she feels a loss of control over the situation.

Once inside, she has a hard time self-soothing. Everything seems off. She does take off her barely wet pullup and put a new one on, but the sense of a loss of control is still there, and she's still shaken by urinating in the car AND cranky mama. Mama gets more cranky because Fiora won't let go of her leg and mama is going to be late which will set a bad tone for her whole day at work (which is tightly scheduled), but finally distracts with another self-soothing technique - you go find the snack box, and explore it. Take charge of something fun. So Fiora finds her way to self-soothing, which was much more powerful than mama telling her she would be okay or reinforcing that mama loves Fiora.

Well, that's good perspective. I can see the pros and cons of what I did much better.

Since that morning, fiora has been very affectionate - lots of kisses, and hugs. I wonder if she's finding her power to soothe her mama, or trying to make sure things are okay between us. Or if she really appreciates having appropriate boundaries. Who knows....but I love the kisses and hugs!!

Did you ever...

2010-11-18T21:34:00.002-05:00

...catch a glimpse of your face in a mirror after talking to your child and suddenly imagine how it felt to be on the other end? I did, tonight - and it wasn't that I was being angry, or snippy, or condescending. I was just being tired, and busy - but when I saw that face, I just realized that I didn't like was it was telling the people around me. In acceptance of reality, some days I am just gong to be too tired or feel used up, I suppose. But I wonder if that really stops me from imagining how I really want to be, how to give well to those around me, how to connect...or if it just deters me if I'm not strong in my vision?

Stories? Not much - I'm too tired! ;)

Family Meeting: Fiora is doing appreciations more often than not - feels so good! We talking about adding contributions at the next meeting - Fiora's contribution to the list was "clean harmonicas" - too bad they suffer from water! I should check in with the forums about that for ideas on how to invite her into the process more. She just started getting $3/week - riches! Can't wait to see what she invests in.

Connection: time to connect with my tiredness, walk the dogs and go to bed!

What's New?

2010-11-14T21:54:00.002-05:00

Roadmaps. I used the idea of roadmaps, after gathering with some other moms to talk about PonTrack and after reading about summer planning meetings, to make a roadmap for the autumn. It's great. I love having some of the things I'm interested in doing written down and within a timeframe. It's great to look back already and see what things I've prioritized enough, or were easy enough, to have already happened. I love feeling like I'm at least sortof on track, and I like seeing what hasn't happened yet, figuring out why, and deciding what my next step is going to be.

Roadmaps for Fiora. I've vaguely increased what I'm asking Fiora to do, after DNSN#2. Mostly this means asking her to pick up her dirty laundry, or noticing it on the ground and asking her where it belongs - we'll have to move on from there. When she's tired/cranky, it's MUCH less likely to happen (but that's true for her mama, too, so it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it). Dish cleanup from the table is better, though she still resists at first most of the time - wonder why that is? First thing that comes to mind is that often I'm not good at treating acts/choices/others/self like they/we matter...so that's next on MY goal list. I tend to think of them as important to do, but not like, how do I say this, there is intrinsic value in doing them...well, we'll see how that works out.

Encouragement. The other day I was filling out a form for a photography session, and there was a question about how I would describe my child with just one word. "Cute." Dang, she's friggin' cute. But that seemed a very Disney, bland answer, so I was looking at her and searching for other fabulous words that would describe her, not saying anything...and she looked up, said "I love you, mama, and my baba" - rarely does she do something like that, and it reminded me of the power of just positive beliefs!

Buttons. Being late and lost - that has been so well conquered, several times I've been one or the other and been surprised at how it was okay. Gods, I love that! The other day, though, we were late (DH was slow) and lost (my trouble) and I let myself get cranky - but it was definitely a choice - not a good choice, NOT good role-modeling, more punishment for DH not being on-time (ouch! I hate writing that!) - and I regret it. I don't think it did anything beneficial, Fi didn't want to get her picture taken, and I could've just told him afterwards that it really bothered me and been much more grown up about it, and probably more productive. *sigh* The lovely thing about buttons is when they're gone, not so much finding them which is SO embarrassing.

Enough for tonight! Missed posting, this felt good.

DNSN - Expectations vs. Goals

2010-10-27T09:35:00.003-04:00

That's right, not so much External Chaos, as seems the rule. Rather Internal Chaos (though sometimes I think that's my specialty anyways!).

Fiora was fine for DNSN. I was terrible! Short tempered, nasty... haven't been like that in a long time, and here I was saying impatient, pushy, judgmental things for 2 days in a row! Ever-forgiving DH didn't think much of it (bless him), but I was blown away. I think part of it was that I was suddenly expecting Fiora to do things on her things, things that i didn't push her on normally but encouraged her with...not necessarily terribly well, perhaps...and now my DNSN voice was actually, "You can do that on your own!" But not in a supportive way, more of a cut lose and have expectations way. And then it was like I had permission to get really irritated with her. It was not useful stuff. I suppose it told me that I'd really like her to do more things on her own and contribute more. The real clarity came from realizing that having expectations (rather than goals) can be toxic for my relationships!

As far as Fiora goes, I told her briefly that I was going to let her show me how much she could do this week, and she seemed quietly excited. And off she went! Taking off her clothes on her own (even a turtleneck), putting her dishes in the dishwasher (her idea to put them there, not the sink). Rather than reminding, or nagging, I practiced observing that dishes were on the table, or books were all over the floor, in a neutral but focused way. And it worked really well (at least for now).

The last observation: when I was being nasty, DH was doing more with Fi and he was reminding a LOT. Have yet to discuss this with him, since it didn't presist, but I realize now that if he does anything it's remind her over and over again, especially before leaving the house - perhaps this helps her (trouble with transitions sometimes), but _I_ found it irritating, so perhaps it's irritating her, too.

Oh, one last thing: I was picking up MORE this week than usual, even though Fi was helping put her dirty laundry away (and doing so quite well), using "as soon as" or direct requests or questions about where the clothes belong. I resisted for at least 5 days, but with the chaos of a DIY hearth project going on at the same time, we DID need space to walk. I think it's more because she's suddenly able to try on different outfits by herself.

Future: I had the suggestion to put more clothes where she can reach them so she can pick out her own outfits. I did this a little, putting some pants and shirts in a low shelf, and she LOVED it. But I didn't do it consistently - too much trouble! Would like to put a low hanging rod to hang some clothes on - that would make putting stuff down there easier, and she could learn about how to hang clothes and how to take them off. (The chest of drawers we have is too hard to open.)

One of the gifts...

2010-09-26T22:01:00.003-04:00

One of the gifts I feel like I've gotten from this process is not to take things personally. Today Fi was being cranky and demanding about precisely what she wanted, and she chose to step out of the room. I went to check on her, and sat with her for a bit then told her I loved her (for no particular reason), and she told me she loved me back. i stepped away, and in a little while she came back in and joined us and was able to accept the offer we'd given her (strawberry jelly on her homemade croissant (!!) rather than licked off the knife). I so admire that both she and I can say that to each other when we're at odds with each other, and from an honest place - she felt so mature at that moment. The moment's disagreement and the fact that we cared for each other were separate issues.

Now to decide what boundaries I want to set about her staying with me when we're shopping or out on a walk/hike... She can be really good, agreeing to go with me on a hike to visit my friends (not her favorite thing), then going back the way we just came (!!) to see if other friends ad arrived, when all along she really wanted to go play in the water on this 90 degree day. After those probably interminable 20-30 minutes, she was no longer willing to follow down the grassy path when the sandy path looked so much faster...and we ended up following her (she was fast!). It was a reasonable choice for her, though the grassy path is a better choice for me 'cause I can let our reactive/unpredictable poodle wander off leash more safely on the latter. In retrospect, she had been really patient, and it seems a reasonable choice both for her to ask for and for us to agree with. Along the way to my favorite water access (not too steep/dangerous), there were several points of access to the water (steep and/or dangerous!) that Fi recognized and requested to follow - when I told her no, all times she reluctantly agreed. And then, we got to the GREAT water access and had a fabulous time. Hurrah! In retrospect, she was incredibly reasonable, and I'm grateful not only for that but for this chance to recognize it in review.

hope all are well out there.

Parenting with Courage

2010-09-21T17:24:00.002-04:00

That was a recent topic on momtv. It was sortof about being willing to commit to our choices as parents without having to be completely right, being willing to commit to choices that are true for us as people ("because this helps me be a better parent," "because this is important to me," "because this is the schedule I need us to have today."). At least, that's the gist I got.

And it's been pretty freeing - I hadn't realized how often my personal choices were based on things I'd read, or logical steps I made in my mind about what would be "best" for my child. But in retrospect, the choices we made as parents that were based on what we needed (ex, Fiora's bedtime and her own bed space determined by my husband's need for structure and a quiet bed) have been some of the best (though who knows, maybe that's part of her reluctance to sleep many nights? ;) ). Perhaps more accurate would be to say that those choices were the easiest to follow through with and be consistent about, and often felt the best, on some deep level.

After the topic was discussed, i didn't really think it would affect me too much. But in fact, I'm finding myself making certain decisions that affect Fiora more from my gut and heart, and I can tell how it's easier for her to read me and respond honestly compared to times that I'm waffling about! Wish I had stories to tell, but they're hard to tell...I'm probably saying exactly the same things (about how many times we'll read a book tonight, or what we're eating for dinner, etc.), but I can feel that I'm saying them differently, esp with body language. Anyway, it feels good, and I don't want to forget, so I'm writing it here. nothing like writing things to help solidify them in my life.

Finally - using money!

2010-09-12T21:10:00.002-04:00

I'm sure her father and I were looking forward to her first use of money more than Fiora was! We got her a piggy bank for Christmas last year (it comes apart too easily, so it hasn't really served its intended purpose!), a tiny purse for a car trip last summer (cute, but ends up being too hard for her to open easily), and then finally this past weekend I got her a little zip-up purse like the one I use - she was so excited! I think this one is going to work. (She'd already honed her skills on my own purse, so no problems opening or closing this one.) Then...I cheated. Showed her how to put money in her purse, picked a place for it to stay so "we'd" know where it was. Today Fiora said she wanted to use her money to go buy chocolate ice cream. I wanted to get ice cream anyway so we could have family meeting tonight, so voila. We ended up in the car, she brought her purse with her (!), and we went to the farmers market where she insisted on buying raspberries (love it!) - with the caveat that raspberries cost more than she had, I did an oops...allowed her to pay a dollar because she REALLY wanted to (and I love her getting raspberries), and I paid for the rest. (She ate most of the raspberries, though she did share. And told me I should get my own raspberries!)

Then we went to get ice cream, only she saw chocolates that she's wanted to buy every time we go shopping, and she was very excited that "I have money today, momma!!" So, she got chocolate, and we went halvies on the ice cream.

In retrospect, I'm okay with the raspberries (wish I'd had my own basket, though, that was a good suggestion), but should've bought the ice cream on my own. Harder to define ownership of said ice cream, though she hasn't complained.

And had our best ever family meetings - Fiora ALMOST gave an appreciation. She spread her arms wide and said "my mama, my baba!" We'll take it! ;) And didn't try to leave the table at all. Even put her (crumpled) money in her purse on her own (with some suggestions).

So, _I'll_ get better with helping her with money as we go, but she did great today!

End of month review

2010-08-31T21:22:00.002-04:00

There was an interesting forum about sibling rivalry which I enjoyed, but since we've only the one daughter i haven't had to really deal with any. Fi's biggest issue right now is that she loves assigning different objects (even different slices of the pizza!) to different people, and gets upset if her assignments are changed, though she doesn't mind it if she changes them! I've been going along with her, like a game, but I'm thinking sometimes it might be better if I acknowledge her effort and point out that people can pick whichever piece of pizza they like! And sharing stuff she really likes and thinks is hers...but that seems pretty natural.

My biggest breakthrough recently has been really learning to be encouraging with myself. I used to have such roller-coaster emotions after noticing something we, as a family, were doing well, I just thought I had to get used to the ride! Hearing another mom describe something similar, I immediately thought, "You need to be encouraging with yourself!" Naturally, after that, I realized I had to walk the walk (yet again!). And it's SO COOL to have permission to be encouraging with myself. As I understand it better, I notice more and more when the environments I enter or see are encouraging or are not, and as I talk about it and my understanding flavors my conversation, Brian is noticing it more, too. It's so neat.

Okay, there's another biggest breakthrough, which is that as I've been encouraging Fiora to trust herself, I've finally started opening up to trusting myself. This resulted in a big conversation (no details) where I was willing to trust the things I was feeling, even when sometimes they might be a little contradictory, and have a deeper, more articulate, and more satisfying conversation on this topic than I've ever had before. Pretty amazing.

I feel like as these awarenesses start to click for me, it's more natural and easy to approach Fiora (and other kids and people) with the respect they all deserve, and it FEELS good. I think starting to learn to trust myself is also really helping my ability to connect, with Fiora and the dogs and my patients, and that's been great, too.

Kindof wish I had more stories of Fiora and the family, but this is truly the guts of the month. Hope you are all well!

Love encouragement

2010-08-13T20:53:00.002-04:00

Tonight Fi wanted to eat outside, so we took our pesto sandwiches and water out to the deck - usually this is a lovely thing, awakening me to the beauty all around us in our yard and the sky, especially as the land falls away steeply from our deck. Tonight, however, Fiora was the show! Talking, standing on one leg, deciding she wanted to go get her piece of bread which I left on the kitchen counter. So off she goes, only to get distracted by the play horse in the yard. Which is fine, only we have this rule, that once you leave the table you're done with the meal. She asks for permission for meal-related excursions (to get her fork, or some food or drink), and gets it usually, so that's the exception. Anyway, playing means she's done.

So Bri told her that since she was playing, that must mean she was done. She continued playing, then came to the table crying that she wanted to eat her sandwich. It near to broke my heart, her crying today, there was something so distraught about it (and we belatedly realized that her emotional reactions to everything might be a reflection of some big sadness at her daycare family). I didn't want to break the rules, but I could sense something really upset in her that I needed to honor - offered her some water, some soy milk - didn't want them. And then some encouragement - I told her, "The rule is that if you leave the table to play, that means you're done. And we know you can sit at the table for a meal and share our meal with us, you've done it lots of times." Not snide, not judging, not frustrated, but really wanting to encourage her. Bri pitched right in, confirming this observation.

And you know what? When nothing else would settle her, this affirmation of her capability in the face of conflict is what settled her down. It felt so good to have that option.

Not a Good Day, but still Reasons to Celebrate

2010-08-02T12:57:00.002-04:00

Fi was cranky, I was cranky. But I was just able to hang on to the vision enough to make some super critical differences in our day, and I'm really really proud of that.

(1) I wanted to take the dogs for a day walk/hike today (they didn't get to go to the blueberry fields with us on Saturday), and usually it's best to do that early in the day before it's hot, before lunch time, before naptime. But yesterday when I proposed going for a walk, Fiora erupted, she wanted to keep drawing. I at least knew how much I hated getting into anger-vibes with her, so I sat still for long enough to realize that I didn't really want to take her on the walk today (too likely to have fusses and for me to get frustrated) and to realize I could walk the dogs during her nap. This, I must say, was a great solution. quiet time at home for cranky people meant less stress and fuss, no child on the walk means we made it all the way to the end of the Reservoir path for the first time in ages AND got to the experience the beauty of the exposed reservoir "beaches" due to how low the water was.

(2) I took Fiora to a work cookout yesterday. At least, what I thought was a work cookout. Only, I got the wrong day. Now, usually, driving 40 minutes on a day I didn't feel like driving, making fresh bread specially for the event, I would've been so pissed off at myself. But after the recent post about buttons, including the one about getting lost (I happened to get lost, too), I found myself able to make the decision that, hey, I made a mistake, wasn't the end of the world, no need to self flagellate and make myself and Fi miserable...and instead we chowed down on fresh bread in the car on the ride home which was FABULOUS, and ate fistfuls of wild blueberries - it was like a car party! That was just amazing...such a blessing to be able to side-step that old trap....ahhhhhhh!

Love Parenting on Track!

Rollercoaster of life

2010-07-31T22:53:00.002-04:00

Not externally - life is actually getting more reliable externally. But internally.

Today Fiora and I were not good with each other. My choice-making (what is my goal today? To sleep, which wasn't going to happen, or to have a good relationship with my daughter?), so well used on Wed, seemed to have run out when head-to-head with exhaustion, on both our parts. I couldn't even figure out how to engage in choice making today!! And yet...I mean, I acknowledge the reality of that, it's life sometimes, it gets away from us....and yet....I think I could've found the way to make the choice. Or next time, I could. It's just harder than I realized...and I feel it much more intensely in my heart, and I'm often not willing to go there...yet.

Anyway, on a less esoteric level, talked to my college roommate tonight, and during the conversation realized i knew a few more things about Fiora when she's tired and cranky. (cool) We already knew that (1) she has more trouble with transitions (so we try to prep her a bit more, when we're being savvy and she's tired/sick); (2) she wants to nibble more (hmmmm, that one was going to drive me crazy, but know what? I just realized the same thing about myself this week!!! So, guess I better figure out how to deal with it on my level before I pretend I can give any assistance there!!), rather than eating; (3) she is more absolute about what she wants, less able to be flexible, and really crashes hard if she doesnt get it - though I've stopped doing as much verbal acknowledgment of what she wants, maybe I should start doing that again - at least it's not arguing!

Ah, love our little girl. Took her blueberry picking two hours away in Massachusetts today, it was so beautiful. And, cool observation of the day for Capable Girl: we got home from our CSA this morning, and Fi was singing in the car showing no signs of getting out after I unbuckled her. So, I told her I'd be in the house, took the groceries, and in I went. A few minutes later, I heard the basement door shut solidly - she had gotten out of the car, closed the car door, let herself into the house, and shut the door behind her - hurrah!!!

And tonight, I gave mental thanks to blogger Lori and ? (can't remember who posted about the clocks made of old vinyl records??), because Fiora was playing with her toys when we usually read a book before bed...and Lori's stories of her bedtime with A made it easy for me to ask Fiora if she wanted to play or read. She wanted to play. I told her bedtime would be when the big clock hand pointed to the 5 (showed that to her), and I read the book aloud, and it was so chill and nice. And right before the clock hand was at 5, Fiora was In Charge, deciding where she would sleep - so funny and cute AND capable!! Thanks, y'all, for the astoundingly valuable support AND for the great ideas!!

Proud Mama

2010-07-28T22:46:00.004-04:00

Today was a great day. Much better than it had any right to be.

First off, we were starting from a night where I spent one hour sleeping in my bed after a day filled with pain (nasty virus, sore in all my joints) and at work; then 6 slightly broken hours in Fiora's toddler bed after she fell out of bed and could not be comforted. Secondly, I was (and still am) recovering from that nasty virus.

But the good news? I'd just written a post that touched on dealing with days when I feel tired and sick. So I was ready.

And I made myself proud. Woke up, felt the tug towards the habitual self-pity and mild resentment of others who don't have it as bad as I do right now (ie, beloved spouse, possibly child and pets), recognized that it was not terrifically enjoyable or useful behavior, and decided to make a choice about my goal for today. (That's where the resistance was.) I chose that my vision, my goal for today was to build my relationship with Fiora.

And the whole day lightened. I was SO MUCH less stressed than I typically am on a day like today, even though I'd think that my primary goal was the one I just typed and chose! In reality, on deeper investigation, it was more like "don't feel bad," and negative goals just don't work anyway. Had to reconfirm to this goal once when I started feeling really exhausted...but when I did, the exhaustion passed, and didn't return....

Did I get as much done as I would on a day filled with plans? Probably not - no hook picked up for the hammock; no pickles or zucchini bread made; no laundry done; no house-cleaning performed.

But on the other hand - after 3 years at our house, Fiora and I found a place to hang the hammock; Fiora helped blow up her first clown-style balloon, and worked with her first batch of clay; I prioritized in a way that allowed me to eat a freshly grilled (and delicious!) lunch with my husband; during Fiora's nap, I wasn't exhausted, and I ended up weeding the garden...and it wasn't even a chore, just something I felt like doing on a lovely day; we went to see dog-owner friends at the local off-leash park (which I hadn't been to in at least 8 months) where the dogs had a ball and Fiora waded deeper than I've ever seen her go and I got to see old friends; and we followed that by a trip to the local lake-beach, at Fiora's insistence, where instead of going in the lake, swimsuit-clad Fiora led us through some forest trails. Such good adventures, such a lovely day....

And intermittently through the day, Fiora lit up when she had chances to be capable. Made up her own song while clearing the breakfast table, took the initiative to throw away the empty soy milk container, almost beat me to putting my own dish away! Insisted her father not help her get rags to clean up her spilt milk at dinner. And (loved this!) washed a whole sink full of dishes while I was prepping dinner! Used soap and rinsed - I've NEVER seen her so intent and full of purpose. No one asked, she just dragged her stool over and started up. :)

So, while I fear that I may take advantage of the blog to post every little thing Fiora does that amazes me...it's such fun to do it!!! I think I don't hear enough of these stories! Though perhaps I'll put a warning like "proud mama moment" or "Celebration" on them....! All the best to everyone.

Hurrah, more Buttons to Explore!

2010-07-27T10:30:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm not officially assessing Buttons at this time, but some other Parenting on Track moms are, and some buttons have come to my attention that really begged for digging deeper (love that about Buttons), so here we are.

A: Getting lost - yes, physically lost, as when driving the car or walking in the state park.
B: If I don't have outside direction, there is nothing remaining for me to turn to. I have no internal compass, nothing internally to rely on that will actually work.
C: Hence, I get pretty unstrung, irritable, poor direction, whining, wanting to be rescued (and yet reluctant to ask others for help) - ooh, I'm a rotten person to be around!!
D: Perhaps...I do have an internal compass, I'm just not used to tuning in to it or listening to it or trusting it, or trusting that I can be okay without external guidance.
Perhaps...it's okay to be exploring sometimes as an experience, without knowing where I'm going.
Perhaps...getting lost doesn't reflect on my worth as a person so much as it reflects my familiarity with the territory.
And perhaps...other people don't judge me harshly just because I got lost. Perhaps I'm not so much letting others down as sharing the experience of life.
E: Can't remember what this is supposed to be....ah, encourage myself, this CAN happen.

This reminds me of my previous button about losing things. Definitely a button. I've gotten a lot better about being able to focus on finding things when I lose them, and much much better at actually finding them - such a joy, just with the dissection of the belief that losing things was so bad! And such a joy to see Fiora use our games to try to find things when she doesn't know where they are. :)

A: When I'm sick and/or tired, it's hard to have a strong vision or follow the roadmap. I'm kindof proud of being self-aware enough that I've been noticing how much being sick or tired affects my attitudes, my generosity, my patience, etc. And yet, it seems like time to move beyond this.
B: When I'm sick and/or tired, I don't have the energy to find my roadmap, to offer my best to those around me. In fact, the energy/vibe that I do have is pretty bad and not the sort that I want to be sharing around by connecting well...and when I try, and I'm honest, I end up asking for help and support, and i don't want to do that too much (being an adult who grew up in a sick household, that can definitely happen too often; on the other hand, I like to be honest and Fiora loves helping me out in appropriate ways - bringing a glass of water - so I tend to think that doing that somewhat is fine, as long as I'm aware of what's happening and don't do it too much)
C: I'm either stoic and withdrawn (which Fiora hates!) or I'm whiny all day. Hate to model either for my child.
Okay, to be honest, sometimes I'm also still patient and creative, sometimes my MOST patient and creative. But it's inconsistent.
D: Even when I'm sick and/or tired, I still have good habits to fall back on, and Fiora has great habits to fall back on, she proves this over and over again. The more I apply myself to finding how to parent well from myself, the easier those habits will be to find even when sick and/or tired.
And, drawing from Maya Frost's blog (http://www.mayafrost.com/blog/2010/07/13/why-i-stopped-blogging-about-education/), it's quite possible that I've been living in the American model where the ACTUAL belief to consider dealing with is the belief that being busy and occupied is the secret to validation and worth and doing things "right". Creating more exhaustion and illness. This has been a niggling concern of mine, really brought to the front by her post (which Vicki's blog at http://www.parentingontrack.com/parenting-strategies/shifting-perspectives/ alerted me to). I remember being a little girl and refusing to get drawn into summer schools and the like because I wanted time to just drift in the backyard, hang out with the dogs, take in the day. I like Maya's point about slowing down enough to know what we want to do and what balance we want to strike; what responsibilities we really want to take on and which ones aren't important enough to superceed the living of life with attention.
When I'm sick/tired, it's worth spending the little extra time and energy to decide what I want my direction to be for the day.
E: I'm sure I'll have another chance to work on this, so go for it!

And, working from the idea that perhaps I create some of the exhaustion (rather than "life" creating it):
A: Having free time, with nothing scheduled.
B: Having free time is a sign that I'm not being productive. Not being productive means I'm worthless. I like Maya Frost's statement that Americans tend to proudly "wear the 'exhaustion' word like a badge of honor.... We use exhaustion as our way to claim that we are busy and therefore doing all the things that lead to success and happiness."
But also (sometimes valid), not having some sort of plan means our day tends to get bogged down and our relationship bogs down, too
C: I like having a plan for the day, a map for the park, a goal. Without that, I tend to get kindof antsy and neurotic, dare I say whiny? Because I can't figure out what to do, can't decide what's important to do, can't prioritize doing something.
D: Perhaps it's not so much about the plans every day as it is about having a Vision or a Goal for the day, and letting that lead us to certain places and choices
Perhaps free time lets our souls expand in ways that being busy doesn't....and helps us be better people, kindof like meditation does for me.
E: I can practice having visions or goals for my days rather than intense plans. Or even keeping my planning down to half a day.

As an add-on to this: I was thinking about this, and realized that on days that I'm sick and I have to go to work, i really DO find my vision at work, and it really keeps me going through the day in a good mindset. I worry a bit that I'm tapping out resources that need to work on helping me recover from my illness or exhaustion, but on the other hand, I think I end up the day feeling generally better about myself than on days that I wallow in the sense of exhaustion and illness. And I do have to find my "Vision" - I have my plan mapped out a day or two before the work day, but that's not enough to get me through the day.

Uninvested Mom

2010-07-21T21:17:00.003-04:00

Dang, what happened today? Am I going through a transition of my own? Moody moody moody, watched myself model poor behaviors and had no clue what else to do, the vision was missing. (And boy, was that reflected in how long it took us to get out of the house today - we're NEVER this slow!!)

Granted, I was going on 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't get to sleep last night, and Fiora woke up around 5:30am, and I always wake up about 20' before she comes in the room. That definitely started the day off poorly. And then seeing Fiora wandering the house with dry cereal, and myself reling on The Wiggles to get a bit of rest in the hopes that I would be a better person for the day, actually just made me worse about the start of the day, know what I mean? I wish I could've stopped, apologized to everyone (husband, daughter, dogs), eaten ice cream in the morning and not felt bad about it, and moved on with a better goal.

I think my goal all day was just to not feel crappy. Bad goal. I did my best when I turned my goal to "clean kitchen sink," "make dinner and zucchini bread." Goals of small vision compared to "build good relationship with daughter," but enough to get my head out of its dark place, apparently. "Walk in woods with daughter and dogs" - too bad I forgot to check the map of the park so I wouldn't get lost, creating a thirsty, tired mom and child, though we did see a lot of awesome forest and the dogs were thrilled to be outside hiking for so long and Fiora really got to show me both that she knew her new shoes weren't for walking in the water with and that she could get them on and off with just a little help (requested) - ooh, discovering another Button of Getting Lost.

Goddess, just writing those few things changed my whole memory-mood for the day!! Let me riff on that and mention that Fiora did also get the orange juice out of the fridge on her own when she decided she wanted some juice this morning with breakfast, realized she couldn't pour it and brought the whole heavy thing right to me with the request for assistance - how could I not have been impressed with that? And she put more dirty dishes onto the counter or sink than I've ever seen her do before in a single day. And when she wanted to take a nap with me in the "big bed," I said okay as long as she could stay quiet (since big bed is often a playground for Fiora!), and she actually achieved that for a long time for her - never did that before - and then when she got restless, she got up quietly and went into her own room! Only ten minutes or so later did she come and loom over me with a big grin (and yes, she can loom, we have no bedframe at the moment). Even then, she waited for my eyes to open before whispering to me! How considerate SHE was all day! Even after I said "yes, I thought I was awake", she still gave me a kiss - which is my request for how she can wake me up, and I love it.

Capable Girl

2010-07-15T21:20:00.002-04:00

Wow, feels like the last few days things have really fallen together.

Tonight at dinner, I piped up about helping Bri set the table (he was cooking). He did the plates, I was getting drinks, and Fiora was excited about dinner and got herself a fork. I asked her if she would get forks for us, and then Bri repeated the question (when she seemed distracted), and she said "Yes!" and proceeded to get us some fabulous spoons. I love how proud she was, and how intent on the feat she was doing for us. She pointed it out to me, and I said, "Great! now how about some forks?" "Ohhhh..." and she proceeded to get us some forks, too. I was so impressed with her ability to help us. Brian tried to correct her early on (spoons versus forks), and it might have worked if he hadn't been so tired and a little edgy - as it was, she chose to ignore him, and it worked out fine. In fact, she tried eating her pasta with a big spoon (and presumably discovered how difficult it was - we'll see if she gets spoons again next time).

She also chose to join us for blessing...it used to "push my buttons" a little that she didn't want to join us, to hold hands, but I've been able to let that go more and include her (in my heart) in the blessings anyway, and yet it was such fun to have her join us.

We're just getting better together. Tonight she wanted to play with my Lush face cleaner, and instead of getting frustrated about noodling, I said we could do that after brushing our teeth. And I meant it. We had a good time playing and cleaning our skin for a big 5 minutes. I even wet towels for her to rinse herself off with, and restrained myself from helping for a little while - she mentioned how she cleaned herself off - again, proud of how capable she is! We both are.

Tonight she showed me two things I hadn't realized: she found our yummy and newly ripe cherry tomatoes in the garden (and proceeded to gobble them up - and just 6 months ago she wouldn't eat a tomato!); and there's a hole in the bottom of our food processor pusher-bit. Who knew? This last she discovered when she insisted on helping to wash dishes after dinner! I was so enjoying her help at setting the table that I let her help wash - even though it was past her bedtime pretty seriously. Again, we had a good time. She voluntarily brought her plate in the from the dining room table (never done that - we only ask at breakfast as a rule) - I knew it was going to be a mess (plate full of spaghetti with pesto and the water she poured on it), which it was in two locations - one I put a towel on, the other I handed her a towel for, and we cleaned up. It was okay. The plate and spaghetti DID make it into the sink!

She really wanted to go back to the garden to pick the tomato plant clean,but I managed to entice her with my argument for checking the tomato plants on the deck. Where we found 2 more - whoo hoo! (Especially the black cherry tomato, I've been waiting for that one!!) However, her desires were clear to her, and she ended up going BACK out front to the garden and picking that tomato plant clean after all. DH was a bit irritable with her, but I hadn't told her she couldn't do that, I'd just distracted her, so I couldn't be angry at her. And she did eat them all!

Tonight we snuggled and she told me about her day (mixed up with the story I'd just read her). When I moved to leave, she asked me to stay, and I ended up giving her a big hug and telling her I love her...and then remembering the Four Big C's, I told her how much she counts, and I was able to really mean it with all my heart (for at least a few seconds)...she gave a big sigh, and rolled over, ready to sleep on her own

Some days are so beautiful it breaks my heart.
Thanks Vicki as always for helping us find our way here.

Observations..and Being a Toddler

2010-07-14T21:38:00.002-04:00

I was walking the dogs tonight, after reading some PonT blogs (always inspiring to me). And my big dog, Nimbletoes, was pulling some, so I did a correction that has slowly been allowing him to decide to choose some things other than pulling. And I realized something. I have more power than I sometimes think. When I make that correction from a place of irritation (a stronger correction, undoubtably), i swear that he pulls more. When I make that same physical move from a place of desire to communicate, without any judgment on his speed of learning or his willingness to place my desires over his own, I swear he responds more creatively and more sensitively (over the ongoing course of the walk). Not to mention that I feel more connected with him and our surrounding world at the same time.

It puts me in mind of something else. This morning Fiora and I were getting ready to take the trash to the transit station. I made the observation that she would need some shoes before we left. It wasn't nagging, and it didn't feel like interfering, just an observation. I didn't really expect it to do anything but perhaps make the future shoe-finding more focused. Tossed some trash in the car, fussed with it a bit, and turned around...to find Fiora had gone inside, found her boots, put them on, and come back outside. So capable, this girl. :) I gotta say, she wowed me a bit. And I was a bit unsure whether to celebrate or to graciously accept her feat - the latter came more naturally to the moment, so I did that, but I swear she had a spring in her step all the same! Being capable makes her feel so big.

And here's a biggie: Fiora is teaching me SO MUCH about myself. I am a toddler at heart.

Food texture aversion? Check - bokchoy and dark green that aren't cooked to death are too fibrous which makes them YUCKY; slimy okra, of course, could make me vomit, as can eggplant seeds; and a non-crispy apple or soft toast? What's the point?

Difficulty leaving the house? Check - prior to Fiora, my trick was to move fast - grab the wallet and the keys and I'm out of the house. If I didn't do that, I would (what else?) noodle! Yep, find things to distract me...there was something comforting about not HAVING to leave, about beating the clock by messing about, about avoiding feeling (here's something key I just realized) EXTERNAL pressure to move. It was torture my first baby-year, slowing down and training myself to pack a whole diaper bag and check a diaper before I left the house. But that training of myself has made me much better about checking in with MYSELF about my priorities before leaving the house, and I'm a lot better about bringing the right stuff with me now and about managing my time. That external pressure? Well, leftover from not learning to depend upon myself for direction and choices as a child, I suppose - so glad to be doing PonT for Fiora (and us).

Fighting external authority? Check - I couldn't even bear to have a timer or a clock for our child, it made me feel so tense to have something outside ourselves telling us what to do. Again, something has shifted about that. I just bought a clock (as recommended on another blogger's post!), and it arrived today and I'm excited to show Fiora what bedtime and awake time look like (though it may take her a while to learn to tell time, I realize!).

Trouble with transitions? Check - I used to throw mini-tantrums when my parents told me it was time for a bath! Not that I didn't like baths. I liked baths a lot. But I couldn't bear to leave whatever it was that I was doing (often reading). This was such a big deal that often my diary entries would consist of "I HATE BATHS!" over and over. Even though I didn't really, once I was in one (in fact, again, I would stay forever rather than make a hasty transition!!). Poor Fiora, Brian also does fairly poorly at transitions....

Trouble going to bed in a timely fashion? Check - until this year, I would literally push myself to stay awake for hours past when I felt tired, reading or on the computer or "noodling" about. When I started to check in, I realized that I felt pretty lousy during those late hours; and when I checked in more, I realized that I felt pretty tense, like Fiora gets when she's up too late (though I find her easier to read than myself!). Who knew? I always thought of "being tired" as when I couldn't read anymore...but that was more like exhausted. No wonder that when I tried to go to bed early I had trouble falling asleep - I was constantly sleep deprived. Finally have myself on a much healthier sleep schedule (though Fiora still dislikes going to bed intensely many nights!).

Tendency to eat too many sweets? Check - the only benefit I've found from that is that I can say out loud how lousy I feel when I eat too many sweets (Bri's homemade cookies are to DIE for...and easy to grab for a snack, sad to say....)...and hopefully fiora will also see me start to eat less and less of them *crossing my fingers*

The excellent thing about this? As I'm learning how many ways I am like a toddler, I'm learning ways to manage those issues (or perhaps shift my attitude towards them), and it's such a win-win thing - helps me with Fiora, and helps plain ol' me!

Percolations and Connection

2010-07-03T15:11:00.004-04:00

Don't know what to call this post yet, as it seems the percolation of a couple of processes. Wed was my weekday off, and I was spending the day with Fiora, of course. And I started noticing things. Maybe this was brought on by my revelation about community, so I was looking for things to be a little more connected than I used to believe possible...not sure. But what I started noticing was that even when I thought I was connecting with her, when my brain analyzed and said, "that's a connecting thing to do, to engage with her in conversation, to listen to her stories and ask questions, to tell her stories, to draw with her, to invite her to help with the cooking," there was still a disconnect. Part of what clues me in to this is her response, of course, though it's hard to articulate just what that is...just not melting into me, though she tries to sometimes? Anyway, it was fascinating, and revelatory; uncomfortable, and yet somehow very comforting to be able to sit with a see it...because it gives me hope that we can get somewhere better.

And then just today, driving along, something clicked. Exactly like what happened after I first learned about the 4 Big C's, when I realized I had to allow myself to count before I could really tell my husband/dogs/child that they count to me, I realized that when I'm not connecting well to myself, it's impossible for me to connect well to anyone else.

DAMN, how do I do that? Well, nobody said this was going to be easy....!

That belonging stuff...

2010-06-24T21:25:00.000-04:00

I can't quite articulate it, so this post will be way short, but just being aware of how my belief of lack of community was present, I've found myself standing in different places. It's like, I'll be with Fiora or a friend, and suddenly realize I don't feel connected, and that sparks me to remember that belief about lack of community, and that must push me in some way to wonder what it would be like without that, and then a little spark happens...a warm little spark. I quite like it. I don't "own" it, it's not habit, but its happening!

On another note, we had family meeting yesterday...and due to recent family meetings, I thought Fiora would just wonder off. But instead, she ran to get the harmonica to start the meeting! And then she even handed it off to me to play...I don't quite get that from my power girl, but it was great to see how proud she was of taking the initiative to get the music maker! (Makes me glad I forgot!) I'm sure it didn't hurt that (a) we had just finished dinner so we were all three at the table anyway; and (b) I promised ice cream after family meeting for all who stayed. It was great! Fiora got her allowance for the first time in months, I think. (It's now sitting on the cedar chest, completely unloved and unclaimed.)

Thanks again for all the comments on the last post - amazing how that helped me feel a community right here, growing right from what seems like such a big gap in who I am.

Gotta walk the dogs on this hot steamy night, all be well!!

All those C's...or what it feels like to belong...

2010-06-20T22:29:00.003-04:00

Not to mention my own baggage...again. I've been realizing lately that I have this belief that I don't have or don't belong to any community. Funny how long it's taken me to realize I have this belief - the blindness of the inner eye. And not realizing how much my beliefs shape how I interact with the world (thank you, Buttons training, for helping me reach this spot). It's obvious where this comes from: I was a kid with a very sick father and with food allergies all my young social life, so the sharing of food and home that helps bind people together were things I had to eschew...plus I felt like my experiences at home weren't something other kids would understand, so I didn't share my stories, either. But again, I hadn't realized that this had translated into a BELIEF until I started living my life with this new found, parenting-on-track fed awareness.

And of course, I really don't want to model for Fiora this beleif in no community. It's kindof funny, looking back, because once she was born I worked really hard to create a community through FCL (Families for Conscious Living), an on-line and very cool state-wide (and beyond, occasionally) parenting group. I would end my days exhausted and still know I needed to get on line and post something so that people would start to know who I was and so I would feel comfortable enough when I met them. So FCL has also been pushing me to this realization. Heck, I think having a CHILD pushes me in this direction.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, besides opening up to wondering what it would be like if I DID believe I have and belong in communities, ones I already feel comfortable in (but perhaps haven't fully claimed) like FCL and friends from the past (via facebook, primarily), and ones that are ripe for joining (like my neighborhood). I'm finding I approach people with a whole different energy when I'm conscious enough to pretend I believe this!

So, yet again, I write more about myself than Fiora, but she is my inspiration, over and over again.

In fact, this arose because I realized that I didn't really feel like I was connecting enough, that I wasn't just sitting and being with her...even being in community with my own family can be challenging!

So, seeing and understanding and accepting is the first step.

DH's Evening: Fiora Stars!

2010-06-15T22:00:00.002-04:00

Darling Husband came home tonight with Fiora. He wanted her to take her shoes off before coming upstairs (hurrah! Great idea! But a new concept for her at our house), but she really wanted to wear them (granted, she was hungry and grouchy, or perhaps that makes what follows even more amazing). He said, "If you wear them, we'll have to clean up the living room." And she, who is used to being asked to contribute in little ways, and who is used to being asked questions that we mean, said "okay." Praise be to my husband, he realized he had to stand by his offer, so they came upstairs, where Fiora started clammoring for food. He told her, "We have to clean the living room first." And with no complaining, she took her little broom off the wall; sweep up a little pile; got her dustpan and brush and picked up the pile; threw it away in the garbage; put away her dustpan; and hung up her broom. Then she proceeded to eat some well-earned cherries.

I am floored. Absolutely floored. And beaming with pride inside. (She was long in bed by the time I got home.) I've been dying to show Fiora how to properly sweep, but all I've ever done is modeled this behavior (I don't know if she was trained at all at daycare) and gotten her tools so I can invite her to join me. She is amazing, and my husband was amazing to do all the right things that allowed her to make her own discovery about cleaning and choices.

Did I meantion "x" about "yes, as soon as"

2010-06-09T10:51:00.003-04:00

I mean, how encouraging it is to have that simple tool!! (that's the "x" alluded to in the title.)

I've been getting frustrated that Fiora is slowly destorying our CDs, DVDs, and CD/DVD drives. I kindof assumed DH would be the one in charge of protecting those, as he's the one who has the most, but he completely hasn't (perhaps taking the lead from me, because I hadn't mentioned I'd given it up? Who knows). So today, when Fi started playing with the new external harddrive we bought after the CD/DVD drives in both of our computers failed (hmmmm.....), I was definitely button-like: "No! Don't touch that!" (anymore)

I didn't like the sound of my own voice, the feel of my own body language, so I tried to adapt. "Okay, Fiora...you can touch the CD discs, but first you need to show me you know how to take care of them. Mama didn't realize how fragile they are, and we need to start over." I don't know how much sense that made, but Fiora proceeded to ask me if she could see a CD 10-20 minutes later, and so I proceeded to make sure her hands were clean and then show her a few ways to handle a CD without damaging it. She paid a lot of attention - she's pretty motivated about this.

Anyway, it was really nice to have an option besides "You can't handle that!" To have an option that said, I'd like you to be able to do this, and I trust you can, but there's some learning that needs to happen first. It's up to you. And it was also really nice to see how responsive she was, and how doing it this way did't hurt any feelings, know what I mean?

The joy of "Yes, as soon as...."

2010-06-06T19:56:00.003-04:00

So, four months into PoT (make that five), Fiora is starting to voluntarily put her breakfast dish at the kitchen sink after breakfast. Cool! Patience pays off, and I'm not using nagging AT ALL, which is such a joy. On the downside of this, she's watching videos many mornings because that's so reliably something she asks for! (and hence allows the use of "yes, as soon as...").

Another milestone: Fiora has started telling us she's sleepy sometimes, and will allow us to leave before reading the book 3 times if she's sleepy (ie, no tantrums) - we both honor her by asking if she wants to keep the book in bed or have us put it away, and she gets her choice there. We also count "one, two, three!" with her as we put out the light, and that little routine seems to help her, too. The biggest thing, I have to say, has been what all the experts say: having a bedtime routine. She LOVES yelling out what we'll start with (brushing teeth!), or pjs, or book - she really does find power in the routine.

Also, I've been getting a little frustrated that she's in and out of the kitchen pantries, cuboards, and refrigerator at LOT. Just yesterday, though, I was wondering what it is that she's enjoying the most these days. It used to be coloring was her passion. Now...I'm just starting to realize that its story-telling (getting so much more vocal and rambling, and of course difficult to follow at this stage!) and kitchen-play. So...when she started bringing dirt in various tupperware and dishes inside (through the dog door) tonight, I slowly came up with a plan. "You need an outside kitchen! Wait here, I'll be right back!" And I brought up an old crate I'd bought at the Junk Shop in town (just because it was old and cool, though it hasn't had a job at our house until now), plunked it down outside so the top faced forward and made a "shelf" space, and said, "Now you have an outside kitchen where you can play with dirt!"

At first she wasn't quite sure, but then her father popped by and asked, "Hey, Fiora, is that your outside kitchen?" and that prompted a quick "Yes!" She stocked it full of breakfast dishes and toy pans, and we were all happy. I LOVE win-win solutions.

Next problem: While there's a part of me that admires the creativity involved when one plays with one's food at the dinner table, I find it distracting from the business of eating and enjoying food and conversation and company. This may be more like those problems that get listed during the week and by the weekend they're not really problems anymore. Fiora doesn't really play with her food for long before we start asking if she's done, and then she'll announce that she's done and down she goes!

Other next problem: I don't like it when our food gets used as play items; I believe it is wasteful, and I don't like cleaning it up if it gets left out, and I don't like some foods getting stale, and I worry about bugs getting into the jars. Fiora is getting into my click-top glass jars with nuts, lentils, and raisins. She can open them now, which is fun, and she loves to play with the foods and sometimes eat them. I haven't made a rule about these, I've been really ambiguous about it (why, I don't know! guilt about suppressing child-creativity????). I'm thinking I would be willing to give her a small glass jar of her own, as long as she is careful with it (it would need to stay inside where we could clean it up if it broke), but our food jars are off limits. And I'm also thinking that I need to involve her in making breakfast (like when I make eggs, or pancakes) and lunch (not a frequent thing due to work) and dinner (though this has to be fast most nights so she can get to bed, which may work against us). Gods, I love writing this stuff out!

Ah, THERE's the rabbit hole!

2010-05-30T18:01:00.003-04:00

My perfect recipe for a rabbit hole day: slightly sick child (she has the chicken pox, it hardly shows except she is very difficult to talk to and is more stubborn, like transitions are even harder than they normally are....but not sick enough that it stirs all my motherly sympathy, you know?) + sleep-deprived mother + no one else around (husband away at family event, no visitors due to chicken pox). I still try teasing her to get cooperation, but I find that when she's, what's it called, noodling, BAM! I become a bitchy dictator.

More later, Kiki is on...and I'm crying about it! What a strange day....

[Later] Okay, funny, but perhaps it was the posting, but I've been looking back at the day and there are two big revelations:

(1) I really recognize the difference between an encouraging household and one that's not now. Because I had SEVERAL episodes today where I was essentially saying "Look what you did! What a disaster, I can't believe you screwed up/are screwing up like this!" I mean, I might say some of that stuff normally, like "The room is a real mess now," but today I was really being judgmental. And it did NOT feel good, and I did NOT like the message I was sending. On the positive side, I had had ambiguity about whether I was creating an encouraging household, and now I'm much more confident that I usually am!

(2) Fiora did some really great things today, despite having the pox and having a cranky mama. We went into the front garden to pick strawberries in the afternoon, and I got pissed off that she STILL hadn't figured out that non-red strawberries are sour and that she wasn't listening to my well-earned wisdom that if you pick non-red strawberries you'll end up with fewer ripe sweet ones tomorrow. Despite me blowing my top (back to my button about feeling like someone's not listening to me), I kindof turned things around by deciding to do something I actually WANTED to do instead of watching her pick strawberries that I really wanted to become juicy red strawberries (which wask useless behavior on my part), so I started cleaning all the debris off the garden steps, and then discovered I could use it as mulch in a weedy part of the garden. Cool! I even invited Fiora to help me, and she did (once), and after that she played on her own up at the top path in our front garden...which is actually a big achievement, since previously she often took the steps down the driveway which resulted in both of us going inside (being in the front garden was contingent on not going into the driveway without an adult).

Soon after, she invited ME into the driveway (there are a few strawberries there), which was nicely done. And there, instead of trying to go for a walk in the neighborhood (which I often don't want to do), she wandered onto the lawn on the other side of the driveway (never has she made such a choice before). I really appreciated that, we kindof wandered there and I started weeding (looking back, I'm proud of having the flexibility to do gardening work wherever she was instead of getting stuck somewhere on some particular task!). Then she wanted to get in the Fit (car), which she loves wandering in, so I let her get in. She took off her diaper there, and I said that was okay (it was wet), but I left one door open and asked her to let me know if she needed to go potty. A few minutes later, I look up from weeding and she's standing next to that door and not moving - turns out, she's pooping on the driveway! At the time, I was kindof angry because I had to clean up all this messy poop on the driveway, and she hadn't let me know it was happening...but in retrospect, she had listened to me request her using that door if she needed to potty, and had done what she had to do. (It was a messy poop, and I suspect some urgency!)

So, anyway, lots of good stuff going on, too, and most of that I can link back to good habits I've been working on this year via PoT. I'm really proud of not tuning out, even though I really wanted to several times, and I think Fiora rewarded me for that.

Back on track, and percolating thoughts

2010-05-17T22:00:00.002-04:00

Great to have Vicki on momtv tonight, after a 2 week hiatus (vacation last week, frozen connection the week before). Ahhhhhh.......

First, I have to say, I am so grateful to my husband for being such a participant in this. He is here for every single appearance of Vicki on momtv, and while his head always pops up when Vicki commands, "Stop multitasking and really listen right now!" (because he's blogging, or doing computer work, most nights), he does listen and comment. And he wants to know when I'm typing comments into the chat room. And I just love that he's an active part of this way of parenting in our family.

So, tonight we learned about permissive parenting styles, and I thought I was pretty totally permissive, but I only had one tick mark on the entire list for signs of permissive parenting. That was a real surprise. When I reviewed the list, I realized that without the training from PoT over the past 6 months, I might've gone down some of the paths of permissive parenting, but I'm much happier not being there (I would've done so out of a sense of guilt, I think). Anyway, the one thing I do permit is for Fiora to climb from her chair to mine after she's finished eating dinner. She picks at my food sometimes, or offers me food. As long as I'm near the end of my meal, I don't mind, because I haven't had much physical contact with her all day while I was work, and it gives us an excuse to snuggle before bedtime. If I'm still actively eating, often Bri has finished and he'll invite her to sit with him, so it's working out for now. Now, of course, I'm anticipating articulating some of that to Fi.

Although I missed the discussion on authoritarian parenting (hm, I could still watch the archive! Must do that!), I'm realizing that Fi totally calls me out when I'm being authoritarian and absolutist. She freaks out, gets angry, and it makes me review what I was doing. Then I try another approach and, generally, it works. She's such a great teacher! Of course, she also does that for rules and boundaries which we deliberately set (bedtime is still the biggest trigger), but she'll set her anger aside after a while.

On the topic of messy, thinking children, I was encouraging Fiora to find ways to express her anger safely the other day (because another kid made her scared). So...she's been practicing roaring like a lion! It's so amusing, when we make her angry lately (time to go to bed, time to stop playing with that toy because we have to leave), she roars at us! And I can say, "Wow, you're really feeling angry about having to interrupt that game." And she really seems to appreciate her anger being heard. And you know what else? It SO fits our family style! When she was younger, and I would get totally overwhelmed with stuff, I would just yell out! Then I'd tell her I was okay, just angry for a moment, and we'd go on. I'd almost forgotten about that (life has been better recently).

One permissive thing I do: I help her look for her binky, or even find it for her. But only if she's tired or sick. If she's bright, I encourage her to find it, and she often does. If she's frustrated, I offer some ideas of where to look and wait a while (while she goes to look) before I help her. It's transitional-permissive. :)

I could've gotten stuck with the clothes issue. I LOVe letting her pick out her clothes, regardless of weather or plans. But there were moments when I'd pick something out for her, or offer some suggestions that were rejected, when I was dangerously close to being angry over...what? PoT guidelines kicked those emotions in the butt and quick, and thanks for that. Most of the time, she actually lets me pick her clothes, and I enjoy that, but my favorite moments are when she picks her own random stuff!

And just a note: going out to the car had some signs of becoming a contested event. But it still goes really smoothly. There were a few weeks when she adored going in by the driver's side door and wandering around the the car on her own (emergency brake in place, of course!). And when we had time, I'd let her do that while I did some laundry (checking on her every minute or so) or weeded part of the front garden. And when she seemed calmer, or when I needed to go, she had to get in the car seat so we could go. When she didn't want to, we played chase in the car (which always ends, like chase does, with me winning - it's amazing that she loves this game so much, but we both win, because she's giggling and having fun and so am I!). And now, she loves getting in her own door and climbing into her carseat - it's the newest skill. Letting her have some time to explore on her own and using fun kept things really good, and I love that!

Til later!

The Land of Vacation

2010-05-14T21:09:00.004-04:00

Whew, a week spent driving from CT to GA and back again, with two dogs and a toddler - that was something. Strangely enough, it wasn't terrible, and I'd do it again, but not anytime soon!

What I'm wondering is, how did PoT happen while we were away and travelling? I think there was so much distraction and new interesting things to do, that our interactions flowed pretty smoothly. Of course, Family Meeting got snuffed again. Must happen this weekend! I'd really like it to happen in the morning, so I'll talk to DH about that.

Now that we're home, we're enforcing dinner rules again. If Fi gets out of her seat (except to get a dropped fork or some such), we ask her if she's all done (so she has a chance to say no and get back in her seat), and then she's not allowed to get at the table and eat again. So, she can leave early, but she can't wander in and out of the dinner table. She cried and fussed when we enforced this tonight (we were SUCH a tribe of nibblers while on the road!), but it held.

i've noticed recently that Fiora is "practicing" crying, even in mirrors, and certainly when she wants to be picked up. It seems innocent enough right now, but just writing this down, I'm realizing that I'd rather she be honest and ASK me to pick her up, or to sit on my lap, than to use emotion to get what she wants. In fact, even tonight, she was trying to get on my lap and just fussing to do so, and DH and I both requested that she use words, that she ask - she seemed to have trouble, I don't think she knew quite how to ask to sit on my lap, but then she finally asked and I said 'sure.'

she's using her words more and more, telling more elaborate stories, so cool! Still hates to put her breakfast bowl in the kitchen sink, but does it pretty quickly if she can get something she wants. Tonight we helped her get into her toy chest, and I realized we could use that as a privilege to help her learn to clean up the toys that are already out.

Oh, and whining, and tantrums...

2010-04-30T20:48:00.002-04:00

Another loss to the last month: awareness of how I respond to tantrums, or whining. Tantrums (usually at night, sometimes all day) I tend to get frustrated by, though I'm not sure what I've been doing. however, I HAVE been noticing that sometimes tantrums lead to us teaching her alternatives and then she gets what she wants. At some point that needs to transform to just ignoring undesirable behavior.

Fi's also been in a very demanding stage - ie, she demands a lot! "I need x!" is a common exclamation. DH has engaged in enlightening her to the difference between "want" and "need," but it appears to be eluding her at the moment. I've been choosing to request a questions rather than a demand, but I haven't been elucidating why very well. Still, when prompted, she does ask a great question, and her entire demeanor and voice changes completely when she does! Still, how to embody a typical response to a command? Just ignore it? Do a little more conscious teaching, and then start ignoring it? I have to say, when I TELL Fiora I'm not coming back in teh room, or we're not going to talk to her any more tonight because it's sleep time, it's easier for me to commit to it. Good for me as well as her. Laugh at her and tell her I don't respond to commands from a family member? I like that idea, but the truth is, of course, I WOULD in a stressful situation where commands were appropriate, or in a play situation where it's fun. I don't even know how to elucidate the difference between a question and a command. Besides that one feels respectful. But that word kindof gets me all tensed up. I suppose the simplest thing is that I don't feel like doing something if she demands or commands it.

It's kindof tough, too, to gauge her vocabulary skills and ability to differentiate. I know one of my weaknesses is a tendency to break connection, to stonewall, to step away as "punishment," and I'm struggling to have authority and make my own decisions without feeling like I'm disconnecting.

I suppose I'd feel more honest about it if I were more aware of how many commands I give Fiora. Of course, I don't think I do it much! I ask her lots of questions. And I want to be able to set boundaries, but that's more about bounds than commands.... Anyway, another thing to observe.

So much to think about....

2010-04-30T20:07:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm finally off the compulsive organizing need to stay aligned with which week we're in - the momtv exposition of Parenting on Track is done. Thanks so much, Vicki, life with family is so much more of an adventure than it was before, rather than a series of stress and calm!

That said, I'm noticing a lot of stuff (and I'm ever so glad to be noticing it), stuff that I'm noticing because of the tools I've been given, and given a chance to develop, though PoT. I'm just going to purge myself of these observations that have been bouncing around - get ready for a long post!

Tonight, I put Fiora to bed. She was SO tired, and yet SO all over the place. When we went to brush teeth, she ended up playing with the rag and trying to get toothpaste out but not brushing her teeth. When we went to put on pajamas, she wanted to bounce on her crib. When it was time to read her book, she wanted to keep trading it back and forth (though, now that I think about it, that may have been because, while I think of it as we read the book 3 times (yes, we're still doing that! We could back it off to 2 times, I guess, but I kindof like seeing the permutations we get this way. On the other hand, when she's tired it's a joke, she can't even pretend to read when she's too tired! It's kindof cute, really.... Anyway, to her perspective, it may be that SHE didn't get to read it twice, because we started with me.). Alas, I think _I_ was ALSO tired. The only way I avoided the rabbit hole tonight was by choosing not to argue or fight with her. I think I was permissive, and I could feel myself hungering to explore the "firmness" side of things, but I didn't feel up to doing it properly. Plus I was thinking of Lori's joyful bedtimes when she didn't expect things to go a specific way, so...I just let it go. And this DID give me some lovely moments of calm, just being in the room and not DOING anything while she jumped like an acrobat on her crib. Looking back, did I really need to force tooth brushing, or pj routine? I don't know, I don't want to force them, I think we were both pretty tired. Next time, no distractions allowed at the sink (ie, clean it up)! Oooh, and I could move the crib over so she can't climb into it (though she'd love to push it back over to the bed)...or put it in another room...or make jumping officially part of bedtime.... :)

I've been worried that I'm a permissive parent. We're starting to notice more and more that Fiora CAN do certain things, but chooses not to. Chooses not to put her nice hat away (ie, off the floor), chooses not to bring her dish from the table.... On the other hand, she's more and more inclined to get her silverware, and ours if she notices (gotta encourage that!); VERY quick to get her own bowl or cup if she's hungry or thirsty; and has put her dirty laundry away with requesting a few times; will put her hat up if encouraged/asked (sometimes); and will sometimes clean up to gain access to a movie (though DH does most of the movie showing, and he's not using this technique much if at all). Anyway, I tend to feel a little victimized/frustrated when things aren't going the way I'd like, and that does anything but help me find and acknowledge my own authority! Again, just noticing feels like a starting point. i like the idea of having expectations for contributions and caring for herself and the family, AND finding ways to do that non-judgmentally.

I've been focusing on a lot of things in our life outside relationships lately (finding the perfect desk for work, which has seemed impossible, but finally worked out today! Getting the energy audit for the house, and then responding in a timely fashion to get rebates. Working out the details for how to go on a road trip from CT to GA with a toddler and 2 dogs, and then go camping before heading home again! The upcoming changes in our budget with DH's job change, which came close to being just a job loss, which would've been acceptable but tough), and I think it shows. not many blogs here, not a lot of visualization of what I'm looking for, or percolating, or committing to the moment with those I love - presence, as one blogger writes.

Our family meetings have been interesting. I want to prioritize them, DH is okay if they are forgotten, even though he supports them, so they still feel a little uncommitted to and unappreciated to me - weird, since they start witha ppreciations. I might need an appreciation board for a few weeks after we get back. Last family meeting was really telling: we rushed getting into it so Fiora wouldn't walk away. I don't like doing that. I'd rather have a family meeting and if she doesn't want to be there, that's okay (without being all "so be it!" and pushing her away), we'll hold a space for her. We'll do appreciations with each other, and really get into it, you know? might have to work harder to get her there the next few times, though, because...well, Bri and I give our appreciations, then we prompt Fi to say thank you, because we don't know what else to do. And last time, Fiora chose to get down after that. I think she didn't get why she was saying thank you, and didn't like being asked when she didn't understand it, didn't like being prompted. And I don't blame her! So, I'd really like to give her the space and time to come up with something of her own next time, and to explain it better. we also asked her if she wanted her money after she got down, and she said 'no' (love her responsiveness), and that was that!

Other family meeting problem: I was sick and tired of our house being a mess because DH was stressed out over impending end-of-job, and I made a sortof-request, sortof-demand about keeping the kitchen and dining room table clean. Success: I DID state the problem first. Failure: I didn't give anyone else the space to make suggestions. Bleh. Wasn't a 'good' interaction (nor did it work!!).

On a really positive side, a few days ago I was at work, and we had a client whom I just couldn't read (my staffmember described him as "playing his cards close to his chest"). It was making me feel awkward, and I was drawing away from real interaction and into effective but distant work. And then, I noticed it. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but I NOTICED IT. And I didn't HAVE to turn away from it. And instead, I kindof chose to be curious about what it meant, what was going on what I was having trouble reading...and instantly my comfort in the room came back. I don't know if the client noticed, but MY sense of that moment was much better, and I was much more content. so cool.

And finally, another moment with family that made me feel like a kid, sympathize with kids again: I talked to my brother. *sigh* He NEVER asks me how I feel about something, never is curious about my process, ONLY asks me what I'm doing - I feel like he's grilling me! (And its not just me, other people notice this, too.) It was weird, though, I found myself identifying why it was so unsatisfying to talk with him - I was really trying to find some way to connect. Looking back, though, I don't think I asked HIM any specific questions (though historically, he has kindof stonewalled specific questions, or turned them aside, not offering anything much), and I could at least start changing our pattern by doing that. Certainly the conversation we had, while intellectually interesting, wasn't satisfying enough to prevent me from trying another approach! And perhaps telling him he matters would be big, too, since we were so distant from each other as kids...ai.

Hm, now should I post this on the PoT forum....?

Out of control in a bad way

2010-04-18T19:37:00.003-04:00

Terrible bedtime tantrums. I suspect it's related to the fact that she's been getting to sleep too late and Bri's been crazy tense about work. And perhaps to the recent chicken pox party we attended, if something's coming on. Also had a Lyme titer taken at the pediatrician's (we live in CT), nothing back yet. and of course we have several courses of tantrum right now because she's learned to climb out of her crib and is sleeping in a low bed (keeping the gate across her door so she can't come out, but Bri keeps going to her to put her back in bed instead of letting her figure it out herself that it's not social time).

My ideal roadmap: Bri to change his job. I get the results from the pediatrian, even if they are only partial (will call tomorrow). Fi goes to bed at 7pm (started that tonight). Talk to Bri about letting her get up and cry about not wanting to go to bed if she chooses to, but not interacting with her

on the upside, the bedtime routine was great tonight. My back was killer painful this weekend, spending loads of time in bed just to stay sane. And surprisingly enough, Fiora decided my bed was the playzone of choice. It was really pretty fun. We made up games on the bed: hiding from Nimbletoes the poodle or from monsters under the covers, having her climb the mama-knee mountain and making them collapse under her, sitting between my legs which were under the covers and making that space a boat that was rolling on rough waters - much imagination and fun. And then tonight, I suggested she get her notebook, and she got Bri's help to find her notebook, brought it back to the bed and colored beside me while I did my prep for work tomorrow. (now my work notes have some monster drawings :) )

It's funny how feeling sick, which makes me slow down so much, always seems to reveal to me things about my daughter.

Week nine, part IV: Problem Solving

2010-04-10T22:32:00.002-04:00

Such neat stuff, this problem solving. It would be so tempting to be the judge, the mediator, the peacemaker, etc. One of my friends from grad school worked in day care, and they had a technique where they engaged the kids in problem solving when fights broke out - I was really empressed by that idea. PoT takes it even one step further, where the parent doesn't get engaged even in questioning, and take the process to a calmer time (how nice).

Anyway, we haven't engaged in this.

With Fiora.

i DID use it with my husband (blessed man). I was getting really angry about him leaving his stuff in our common areas, feeling the pressure that if I was cleaning, I'd also be cleaning up after him, and I have NEVER wanted to be anyone's maid! He's a turtle, he hates it when I get angry at him. So this time, I told him, "I have a problem. I don't like it when someone who is old enough to pick after themselves leaves things around in our common space. What do you think I should do?" Hm, could've just asked for suggestions, that sounds more communal and less "fix me." He still got upset, but I was much calmer about it. When I'm angry about something (and I'm grateful for my anger, for how it tells me what matters to me), I'm also always wanting him to acknowledge my emotion, and that's been tough for him to do, so we both end up feeling unsatisfied. THIS time, I was presenting a problem, not the emotion, and it was a lot easier for me to present my problem and not get tangled in his emotional response.

Thanks again, Vicki!

Week Nine, part IV: Being the child

2010-04-04T12:30:00.002-04:00

Being with the in-laws is a real education in what it means to be in relationship with OUR child. We're the kids here, really, and sometimes it's easier to *feel* what works and doesn't work than to think about it.

Let me make something clear first. Our in-laws are really great. I'm only posting here about what they're teaching me.

So, the room is busy, and I'm trying to think of some stuff that's kindof subtle, so excuse me if it doesn't come out very clearly.

I'm noticing that sometimes conversation goes in a way that seems like it's real discussion, interesting sharing of ideas and observations, and I start to resent being in that conversation. What gives? And then I started to realize, it feels like the conversation is intended to "get me" to say or do certain things (not necessarily like real manipulation, more like subconscious expectations impinging on how our relationship is going), and I resent that! So, how would my child NOT feel the same sort of resentment? IT makes certain moments that I've experienced with her, and certain moments I've seen with other parents and their older children, make more sense. The conversation wasn't REAL, there wasn't real interest in what the other person was thinking or feeling.

I mean, wow. I'm discovering more and more of a desire for REAL conversation, and it's kindof exciting. And something I think I can take to conversations everywhere, not just with Fiora, but with anyone in my life.

Gonna go do that. ;) Or at least start.

Week nine, part II: Money Take Two

2010-03-29T08:51:00.003-04:00

After much reminding on my part, family meeting did happen. It's definitely taking some finagling for it to happen, though part of that was due to the fact that we were visiting friends this weekend. Anyway, we had it after a quick dinner last night, and I admit that I used chocolate dessert to keep Fiora at the table while Bri found her allowance (he is now treasurer!). Then we did our appreciations (man, but I enjoy that!), Fiora was prompted to say "thank you" 'cause she wasn't going to offer anything, but after another week (so she knows that she's encouraged to say something, and has a starting point) I think we might try dropping that for a month or so and see if she'll volunteer anything. I presented the idea of contributions, but I'm in no big rush for those (she's only two, and right now responsibilities seem to scare her rather than make her feel capable, like playing at responsibilities does). We didn't have $2, so she got $1 and a quarter. Brian prompted her to put it away (she was going to leave it at the table), and I think it made it to her bed last night! We did go shopping the other day, and she wanted a crayon/book...could've asked her about her money then, not sure that I did.

So, that's the week in money review. Got to share the mindset of PoT with some childless friends of ours, they quite liked the ideas.

Week nine, part II: Family Meeting with Money

2010-03-21T20:43:00.002-04:00

Big accomplishment: We remembered! I actually got up from a nap because I remembered we hadn't had our family meeting yet, and we wouldn't be able to do it later, and it needed to happen!

Confession: we kindof chased Fiora down. I mean, she's only two. We didn't actually carry her to the table, just invited her over and over again and found her in the yard, etc. At any rate, she did eventually join us.

Smaller accomplishment: it was at the table this time. :) Definitely a better place for it. Fiora was not doing anything else the whole (short) time.

"Timekeeper": Fiora announced the beginning and end by blowing on one of my harmonicas. She did get a big kick out of being asked to do that, and then being able to do it!

Appreciations: We made eye contact, and we made appreciations. It seems awfully easy to find things to appreciate in my family.... On the other hand, showing that appreciation through my eyes is going to be a process -- I realized my gaze is a little standoffish even when showing appreciations to the people I love the most! (Thank you, dogs, for letting me start to recognize the importance of how I connect to others with my gaze.) Fiora's appreciations were just "Thank you, baba. Thank you, mama." But it's a start!

Funny money! WE did it. We gave Fiora her first allowance: $2. And man, she DID manage to surprise me! At first, by deciding to eagerly stay at the table when we told her we'd be giving her money (I didn't think she knew what it was! Well, perhaps she didn't, but did want to get something?). When we gave it to her, I told her that if the money was left on the floor or table, we would take it back (she's in a very possessive, black&white mindset about "mine" right now, and would've been really upset if we took something of hers, so I thought it best to be proactive about that). And what did she do? She took her two dollar, checked them out, and then gave them back to us! (Too much responsible? Not yummy enough? What is this stuff anyways?) Brian thought this was a great precedent. Into the vacation funds it went! Perhaps we're raising a little buddha..... ;)

Week nine, etc: Up, a movie about letting go...

2010-03-19T22:28:00.002-04:00

Man, was there ever a crashing good symbol for holding on to something that is no longer meaningful in the moment - there's this little moment of betrayal of his friends in the moment, his new friends, his new promises, because he's still clinging to stuff from his previous life - and boy, but didn't it ring familiar. People say this animated movie is about the process of letting go of a loved one (and it is, and it's beautiful and funny, and the dogs are brilliant), but it also resonates with what happens whenever I'm with my little girl, or my dogs, and a button is pushed. I KNOW, somewhere, what's true to the moment, I know it doesn't feel right to ignore that, but at the same time something else is screaming for recognition and resolution, and doesn't that push emotions to a head!

So, for everyone who has been doing Parenting on Track, and likes good movies, this one deserves watching. (Unless, I don't know, do you end up finding PoT moments in any movie that has a crisis?!? Maybe so...but this one was so CLEAR...and involved an adult/kid moment, which doesn't hurt.) I think having the story-symbol will help me recognize my moments and keep my cool...so thanks, Pixar.

Week nine, part II: Money possibilities

2010-03-18T21:03:00.002-04:00

Cool - sounds like some PoT kids are encouraged to save some money, in bank accounts or personal savings, and they do it. I'd like that. Any they are invited to donate when the parents do...can say yes or no. I like that, too. Guess we don't have to expect to lose the saving and giving aspects of money just because we're giving up control.

Still have NO idea how this would play out with our 2 year old. But can I say, I'm SO curious what she would want to buy!

Week "Nine" part two - Money Management

2010-03-16T21:58:00.003-04:00

Fiora could get an allowance. That would be dropped until we cleaned it up into a vacation jar or somesuch. Well, I guess the point is, I don't really know that. Give the girl a chance and see what happens.

But to be honest, I'm a bit torn. We really want to teach Fiora about saving money, giving money, as well as letting her learn how to spend her money. Gads, Brian even wants to figure out some way for her to experience the potential disaster of credit cards for herself (at some later date, of course!). I could see her learning how to save her money on her own (Brian and I both did as kids, because there were things we wanted to spend it on), and how to spend it on her own, but what about giving it? We were thinking of doing a donation at Christmas, on the Christmas tree, that the family decided where to give to. It'd be cool if at some point she did the same thing with her allowance...and why not from the very start?

In addition, if she chose some crappy candy that I wouldn't eat and think isn't good for her, my mama-bear tendencies would move me to say, "I want you to be strong and healthy and feel good, and that food won't help you. Not for Fiora." If she chose dry pasta or whatever, well, okay.

I actually remember one Saturday when I was a kid. My parents finally got tired of us kids REALLY WANTING whatever was being advertised during Saturday morning cartoons (I still remember the ads for chocolate chip cookie cereal and gum with exploding flavor in the center!). So they told us that for one Saturday a month, we could eat whatever crap we wanted. Of course, we bought a ton of stuff (we didn't usually eat sugar in our household), including the afore-mentioned cereal and candy. I still remember the disappointment - the cereal was pretty darn tasteless, and the gum was a far cry from my imagination. I don't remember fighting to keep that tradition going...it wasn't worth it.

Why do I tell that story? Well, I DO believe that buying crap isn't terribly self-satisfying. But it might also help to have some exposure to other options. The ads really informed my brother and my choices of what to buy. I don't remember my mom ever giving us options when we were food shopping...I'd love to introduce Fiora to Divine Treasures chocolate sweetened with agave (they're so good!), or gelato, etc.

Looking forward to learning more about how to do this well. And what Fi will do when given the chance. She's surprised me often enough before!

Week nine: Back to roadmaps - bedtime progress

2010-03-14T16:45:00.002-04:00

Last night was a great example of progress, both on Fiora's part and on mine. Though it was undoubtably helped along by the fact that Fiora was really tired due to coughing spells shes been having at night (on the other hand, I felt a bit at a disadvantage due to decreased sleep, so perhaps we were even overall).

Pajamas and nighttime diaper are the first step. Tonight, I invited her to engage in the process of putting those on, and she actually accepted. (Most nights we avoid a fight here by changing her resistance into a chase-game.) It would've not worked if I'd insisted on putting them on, but I know enough now to step back and let her ask for help if she wants it. She was very happy with the whole process.

Then it was tooth brushing time - pretty peaceful, though she got distracted with a wet rag. All I can remember about that was thinking "dang, should've put that away!" and "it's not worth getting fussed about a little delay" - and somehow she was ready to move on with a little suggestion I made and can't even remember. But I think letting go of having to be UNDELAYED allowed us to move on without engaging in "battle" strategies!

Finally it was time to read books. We said goodnight to the others. And Fi started USING the routine to let me know she was tired. She started to read the book (first read), just a few pages, then said "your turn." (Too tired to read!) After the book was done, though, as usual, she had trouble transitioning to the bed, didn't want to help with anything tonight. So...I started doing the other bits of our routine, closing the blinds, etc., until she asked to help (or screamed a bit, really)...rather than forcing her to bed. How nice to have options, and to be learning that giving her space and providing good rewarding options for her can get us where we want to go fairly painlessly!

Finally, after she closed the blinds, closed the door, and turned off the lights, I got to hold her and talk about the story of her day...and she is now adding her perspective on her day (sometimes it's a lot about having "big poops" and "stairs", but it's so cool to hear her version anyway!), and she was ready for bed after feeling empowered. It's getting easier, even though I know it'll still be different every night!

Week Nine: Oops...Family Meeting today...?

2010-03-14T16:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, it didn't get prioritized...oops. Bri has now left for work, and it won't happen today after all.

Well...perhaps Fi and I can pull one off. [...time passes...] Okay, done. This time Fiora blew on the recorder to announce the beginning and end. It was a little chaotic with recorder blowing continuing. AND I forgot to get us to the table. So, next time, we'll have Brian here (family meeting in the morning?), we'll sit at the table again, and we'll try the recorder or some jingle bells to start and end with. Oh, and I'll get a journal.

Week Nine: Back to the crucial C's again

2010-03-13T17:56:00.002-05:00

I really love the Crucial C's. Focusing on those have brought my heart into play in an expansive way I really wasn't experiencing before with my family, and this has happened over and over again. It's really a challenge for me to do each of the crucial C's (connect, tell them how much they count, recognize their courage, and give them chances to be capable), especially the first three. And over this past week, I've really been recognizing again that many of the ways I interact don't actually connect, but kindof skip over that possibility and that potential. But recognizing it has the power to motivate me back into gear remembering my true goals, seeing that what I really want is to connect. It's still a challenge to give up my tendency and my habit to be internally multitasking, and yet when I do give up that tendency and commit to doing just connecting for a little bit, it's intensely rewarding and my life somehow seems to get less complicated rather than more chaotic (as I might've expected).

Week Nine: Blogs are like family meetings!

2010-03-10T22:47:00.002-05:00

I was just thinking this tonight as I started out on the nightly dog walk.

We post:

Appreciations. It's a way of really noticing the good stuff, when it gets written down. This is really potent stuff for me, I realized today (during a discussion on another dog walk, that one complete with tired toddler), because I remember stuff a lot better when I write it down.

Vents. Which are kindof like problems to go on a problem list (i think that's part of family meetings, isn't it?).

Needs/hopes for clarification.

Add to that that they're short and sweet (even when we feel like we've written a chapter, it doesn't take that long to read), have a definite chairperson (the writer), definite notetaker (the writer), the only thing lacking is the community...but then we turn around and use all the info we've gathered on our blogs during our interactions with our family (and others), so there's the community. And we even have readers!

As a side note, I was also realizing that appreciations are another way of avoiding labels and labeling. All the examples we were given were of specific events. Not "I appreciate how sweet your are" or "I appreciate that Dad is really strong," but specific instances that may represent that. It's another way of avoiding praise. And it's such a more satisfying way to communicate with loved ones!

Week Nine: First Family Meeting

2010-03-10T21:44:00.004-05:00

Okay, well, our first lesson is that a weeknight doesn't work too well - we ended up doing this DURING dinner, and Bri pointed out that it really ought to have it's own space. As it was his suggestion to do it Wednesday night, that was fine - felt kindof cool, to just try it, notice it didn't work, and move on. So, new plan: Sundays.

All we did tonight was appreciations (that's all we've learned). No journal, no timer, no appointing of positions (yet). Fiora said, "I appreciate you, baba." :) It felt really good, not only to receive an appreciation, but also to give them...and I hadn't prepared for it, which actually made it feel all that much more real and true. Looking forward to not only continuing this tradition, but also learning more about family meetings.

Week Nine: neat stuff about personalities...

2010-03-10T17:23:00.003-05:00

...from another blogger, here: http://flockmother.wordpress.com/2010/03/09/be-do-have/

It keeps spinning around in my head, because our family is so clear.

I'm an eagle - I LOVE organization, having plans (though they can be tossed aside, I'm happier to start with one), making lists, big on loyality and sticking with something

Brian is a turtle - definitey easy going and empathetic, needs to have his own space/time as part of the schedule in order to feel good, likes to avoid stressful emotions unless it's made clear that it will be better on the other side

Fiora is a lion - loves being competent, does enjoy feeling like she's in charge

(And the dogs and cat?
Catterpault, naturally, is a lion/turtle (what a combo!).
Coya is chameleon with some lion thrown in.
Nimbletoes is a lion/eagle)

This reminds me of when I was sitting in my chiropractor's office about 11 years ago, and found a big tome about astrology next to me. I couldn't figure out why I enjoyed looking at it so much at first, but then it gradually sank in that it was so much fun to appreciate DIFFERENCES in people as interesting and worthwhile. At that time in my life, I had a really hard time appreciating how differently other people approached things (which thankfully has improved). In the recent past, Bri and I have had to work out the fact that we approach things differently, so this is obviously still something I'm working on, and today's little exercise adds yet another layer of clarity.

In addition, for some reason I'd assumed that Fiora would be like one of us (she is in other ways, like how transitions are hard for her...and that particular realization about transitions may have put me on the path of looking for us in her), so it's also a nice dose of clarity to see that, at least right now, she has quite a different personality from her parents!

Week Nine: Family Meetings - Appreciations

2010-03-08T22:02:00.002-05:00

This just feels good! I love the idea of having the assignment to find things I appreciate about every member of our family. It kindof reminds me of the movie The Secret (which is a bit hokey but has some great points), where they mention that gratitude is a really powerful tool to use to bring good stuff into your life.

This is DEFINITELY something I could use at work. I thank people periodically, but it can feel kindof hokey to thank them for doing their job. Somehow, appreciating seems somehow more appropriate and hence more powerful.

To practice, today I appreciate that Fiora was very gentle when she washed my face with her wet rag, and I also appreciate that she asked first. I felt really loved and respected.

And I appreciate that my husband went into Fiora's bedroom when she was screaming tonight and calmed her with a few words and soothing sounds. He did this after a long day's work, and too little sleep last night.

I appreciate that Coya really threw all her energy into playing the fetch game today with her purple bunny, that she joined us with all she's worth.

I appreciate that Nimbletoes showed some real self-control around the cat tonight out in the car port, and even chose to walk to areas where he wouldn't be right next to the cat (even though he was obviously interested in the cat and was off-leash).

And I appreciate that vicki showed up so full of energy and passion to communicate her message after a long weekend for her!

Week eight: more extinction

2010-03-08T08:35:00.002-05:00

Gods, I love extinction techniques! Not sure where this fits in our schedule (DNSN?), but this morning I offered Fiora a little 85% dark chocolate (hardly sweet at all, okay?). She screamed bloody murder when I "only" gave her one piece and threw the piece away...so...I picked up the chocolate and took it with me back downstairs (where we were watching an early morning bear documentary!). She screamed and cried the whole way downstairs, and I just ignored. Not angry ingnored. Not "serves you right" ignored. Just ignored it as undesirable behavior I had no desire to "feed" with my own energy. Fi ended up downstairs with me, crying but quieter, and asked for some chocolate. I said "sure," and we enjoyed some peaceable good chocolate! That was some drama that did NOT need mama-attention, and it just feels so good not to be drawn into it!

Week Eight: new P&R

2010-03-06T22:03:00.001-05:00

Hm, just realized a privilege that Fiora loves: having access to crayons and markers!
I'd love to have her earn them by clearing the table, putting away toys/books that are there or around there. We just started that today. She got distracted from heroriginal goal, but when I remembered and asked her if she still wanted crayons, she was very excited, "yes!" What a positive way to encourage her to help clean up.

Week Eight: P&Rs, more thoughts

2010-03-03T20:46:00.002-05:00

Who knew I would think about this so much? I thought this week was going to be kindof like a vacation, since Fi is so young, but instead it's making me think about the contrast between how we express our expectations of and faith in her now and how that is similar and different to PoT's P&Rs.

Tonight, Fi was washing dishes, and she has had Spring Fever today - zoomies in the house, singing while in the sink, ready to do marathon dish washing. At any rate, it was getting messier and messier over there, and I finally told her it was getting too messy and took her off her stool. And I realized then that there it was, the responsibility (or lack of fulfilling it) becoming cause for punishment ('I'll take that away from you!!'), rather than the communication that perhaps her skills need to get a little better before she can wash for a long time and still keep it neat. It was so easy to slip from the former to the latter, with that realization, and I love the expression of faith that that little shift allows. I felt good about being Fi's mom when I spoke to her, instead of feeling like the bad cop.

Week Eight: Privileges and Responsibilities for a 2 year old

2010-03-02T22:58:00.002-05:00

So, just realized that I'm going to have to remember to make the transition to inviting Fiora to specify what the responsibilities are for certain things, especially as she gets more articulate.

Which reminds me of another thing. Because, in the encouragement theme, we are encouraged to ask our kids questions, I settled down in front of Fiora the other evening and asked her what she did that day. It was something else to see how much she focused on the answering of that question - I loved it! And she was truly able to communicate something about her day. How cool! Now, hopefully I would've eventually done this anyway, but I wouldn't have done it now without PoT - I don't know, worried about frustrating her or something? Anyway, so glad to have started with this tool.

And did I mention that i tried using questions tonight while chatting with my husband, and we had the best conversation we've had in months and months?!?! Huzzah for questions and curiosity and connecting and listening!

Week Eight: Privileges and Responsibilities for a 2 year old - it's real

2010-03-02T22:36:00.002-05:00

Okay, so Fiora, at two (and a quarter), is officially too young for proper privileges and responsibilities via Parenting on Track.

And yet, at a very basic level, she did an approximation of privileges and responsibilities this past week.

She's really keen on doing the stuff we adults do. One of the things we do that she's particularly interested in (it involves water, which is inherently fascinating) is wash dishes. So finally, we brought over her stool and let her mess around with some carefully selected dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. A day or two later, I noticed she was spilling so much water right in front of the sink that the counter was warping, so I emphasized to her that that area needed to stay dry. To be honest, I didn't really thing that would work, but though she did need several reminders, she's gotten progressively more precise with where the water goes. Then she started gunning the water, really turning the pressure up all the way. It gave me the jitters just to hear all that water pouring down the drain (ideas of waste, even though she was allowed to play with the water running for quite a while!). So I told her that I could not tolerate that, for me to feel comfortable with her playing/washing in teh sink, she needed to keep the water at a moderate flow. I didn't really think that would work either, but for 24 hours she was intently working on getting the water JUST RIGHT, and dang if she doesn't do a perfectly lovely job.

So, for now, she's earned her right to wash certain dishes in the sink. Next, to earn the right to put them in the drying rack! Well, I'm in no rush about that....

Even though Fi doesn't fit in the typical category of kids who really benefit from this, I'm still curious what her privileges are, so here goes:

Can feed the dogs treats (but not their raw food)
Can brush mama's hair (as long as she's gentle)
Can "wash" dishes and hands in the sink (after we check the sink for its contents, remove all skanky dishes and sharp or heavy objects) (as long as the water is run at a moderate pressures, and water is kept primarily inside the sink, and the water is turned off when she's done)
Can brush her own teeth (as long as she puts her cup and toothbrush back on the counter when she's done)
Can access the silverware drawer (as long as it's contents are kept neat)
Can access the refrigerator contents (as long as she shuts the door when she's done)
Can access the trashcan (as long as she shuts the cabinet door)
(Hm, perhaps I should use "may" instead of "can"...)
May sleep in a big girl bed (as long as she stays asleep)
May help mama with the laundry (as long as she "folds" the clothes with me)
May help parents with the cooking (as long as she respects the knives and hot things, and as long as she asks to do things before acting)

May watch some Wiggles or Blue's Clues on the internet (with permission; only once a day - hm, no responsibilities for this one!)
May go outside in the yard (doesn't do this much right now, in the winter; no responsibilities - maybe I should teach her to pick up dog poop!)
May eat meals from an adult chair (no responsibilities)
May eat meals without a bib (no responsibilites)
May access her own books (i wish she were responsible about putting them back...but we could do that)
May access her own toys (I wish she were responsible about putting them back...again something we could work on)

Wow, those are real lists! I didn't realize how we really do have expectations for what means she's allowed to do stuff. Or the contrast with those things that are not associated with responsibilities. I like the idea of thinking about this stuff, esp the second list, and maybe changing how we think about them, and how some of her books/toys are set up.

Week Seven: Flashback again to the Crucial C's

2010-02-28T20:10:00.002-05:00

During the momTV session two weeks ago, Vicki challenged us with this (or something similar enough that this is what I wrote down): how will we know that we are sending these messages (you are capable. you count. you have courage. connect...er, that's a mutual thing I guess) to our kids?

I like that question. It takes my mind out of making a list of things I can do, and makes me pay attention with my heart, to the signals my child is giving.

Despite that beauty, I'm also finding keys to these things for Fiora.
capable: give her space (and time) - she finds many of the opportunities on her own!
count: well, this is something I still tell her with words
courage: this is something I'm working on finding as a positive thing for her - that frustration and failure can be great things to experience in the safety of our home, and wonderful challenges to rise to
connect: i have to mentally drop all the other crap from my mind that keeps me from being in the moment, and know that my top priority is to connect to my child. Oddly, the other thing that helps with this is going to my zen mind (I did zen for three years in Chicago, blessed be) and detaching from any outcome or any label.

Week Seven: Remembering the Crucial C's

2010-02-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

I mentioned in the last post that we went shopping, way too late in the day, for a month's worth of groceries, while we were all sick with the latest and greatest upper respiratory virus. Not something that looked to be fun, and I was all inward and protecting myself from even the thought of what would happen. And then, I realized that sucked even more than just being sick and doing stuff. So instead, I started vaguely thinking about the four crucial c's and using my awareness of them to guide my choices with my husband and child. I can't tell you about anything in specific, but it did brighten the trip. The mild increase in challenge wasn't enough to make me more tired after the trip, either.

It's so worth the effort.

Week Seven: Helping our power child in transitions

2010-02-27T21:54:00.004-05:00

So cool. I haven't been able to stop myself from mentioning here and there how Fiora's (and our) problems with transitions have become more and more transparent, now that I know to look for them. And I think it has really helped Brian and I work together as a team better. Today, even though we are all three sick with yet another upper respiratory virus and felt lousy and tired, and even though we left to do our big monthly shopping way later than is ideal, we were both pitching in to give Fiora acceptable choices that helped her stay in a positive place (capable). I even got her to help us do some of the shopping, which she's never really done before (capable and content). And she helped us unpack some when we got home. I guess the thing that strikes me the most is that my husband actually seemed much less stressed now that he has some sense of how Fiora enjoys doing things (when she's not helping, she much more the wild child!).

Giving her choices and asking for her help are the biggest things for helping her get through transitions that she doesn't want to enter. When she started screaming at naptime (mama's dictum), I asked if she wanted to help pull her blinds down, and man, she really pulled herself together to do that! It was such an obvious struggle for her to overcome her sense of being upset at not being able to choose what came next in her day, but she is so thrilled to do things that SHE worked to overcome that emotion. I would've never guess that it would be SUCH a powerful tool to let her DO and learn things!

She is awfully capable. :)

Week Seven: Encouragment in action

2010-02-26T14:09:00.002-05:00

No real stories, but I like this encouragement. I haven't said "good job" in days. "You did it" fits there so nicely. I'm even saying that on the evening dog walks, and it's phenomenal how much more I feel like I'm part of a team when I do that. Can't tell you what the dogs think, and we'll have to see what the longterm responses are.

It's such a relief to put aside praise. I thought it was easy, and I guess it is, but it never felt "right."

Ecouragement fits right in there with the crucial C's. When I respond to Fiora's deeds using observation or questions, right away there's this chance to connect. To be honest, I think those moments used to intimidate me. But with the background that doing this work has given me (through Parenting on Track - especially really doing the crucial C's, for Fiora and the dogs and for me), I'm finding it more and more fun to look for that connection.

Haven't really worked on the encouragement angle at work yet. Things are going pretty smoothly there. I like the idea of asking questions to let other people solve their problems, so will keep that in mind.

Week Seven: Sleeptime roadmap take 2

2010-02-24T13:36:00.006-05:00

Time for a new roadmap! We've reached the goal of not crying/tantruming at least sometimes (most of the time), and that's great. Now instead she dawdles on her book. This feels like a power move on her part...this girl LOVES calling the shots! She'll get creative and start to play imaginary games with me, too. On the one hand, I appreciate all her creativity and resourcefulness, but on the other hand, shes not internally moving towards sleep (that I can tell).

It definitely helps to assert a little power here, the power of clear boundaries and of not engaging in any conflict-like behaviors: no books taken to bed (tends to drag things out), no water breaks (she has a water bottle in bed), just repeating that it's bedtime now in a calm, assertive fashion. Can that help with noodling? Maybe it'll just take time to have her adapt to the one book rule. Maybe we'll start just doing one read through by adult and one by child, so it's predictable It's tough, 'cause none of this (besides a timer or clock) really deals with noodling directly.Sometimes I'll talk about what we'll do tomorrow. I've thought about a timer, or telling her when the clock is at such-and-such a position it's bedtime, even if the book isn't finished, but I'm not really sure yet. Maybe she'll like knowing what's coming, but it seems like it could just make her feel tense and rushed (it can do that to me!). I'm aiming for more of a sense of flow. Just know that the roadmap is still on the table.

Maybe for now, make bedtime a time to connect (since she loves to tell stories more than be read to, maybe finish not with her reading a book, but with telling her a story about Fiora's day and our plans for tomorrow), to let her know she counts (hmmmmm), to tell her how much I admire how capable she is (at sleeping), and to admire her courage at finding ways to engage with bedtime/sleeptime (she objects to the lullaby, but maybe a simple nighttime prayer).... And celebrate in the morning what a great sleeper she is (erm, notice it?). In this case, I really do feel pulled to put value on sleep! Gosh, I loved rewording this in terms of the 4 crucial C's.

in some ways, I'm not sure we're any better off than we were before, when we just put her to bed with some screaming and wailing and no process! (She still slept well.) Well, okay, no, it's nice to have less drama, but I'm still thinking about how good sleep is, and finding ways to help her embrace it. May not happen, but I'm gonna keep talking about it with/around her!

Addendum: Last night, Fiora read her book then said, "Your turn!" So sweet. I let her read it again after I read it to her (she stayed engaged, I asked her questions and tried to keep my zen mind about me), and she noodled a bit but we'd started early so I didn't mind. After she was done (hurrah! You finished the book!), I talked to her about what we'd done yesterday, and our plans for tomorrow, and she rested her head on my shoulder by the time her bed was ready...surrendering to sleep before she was in bed. :) Baby steps, baby steps.

As an aside, I gotta say this approach is helping me assess my OWN life so much (I think I've mentioned this before ;) ). I didn't sleep well night before last. I was wired when I went to bed, even though it was a little late, and then I woke up around 2am. Thinking back to what I did last night: ate fresh chocolate cake that Brian had just taken out of the oven, topped with vanilla ice cream. "Forgot" to eat that salad I had planned on luxuriating in. Yeah, i don't want to do that again! I woke up exhausted, though recharged in the idea of helping Fiora get all the sleep she needs - it's been a lousy morning as a tired person! I'm sure I've eaten lousy food right before bed before, but I've never bothered to NOTICE what I was doing, or how I was responding. And today I'm still tired, but I realize that recovering from sleep loss doesn't happen in one night. Gotta say, it DOES feel good to have the potential to keep this lousy tired feeling from happening.

Week Seven: More mama tantrums...

2010-02-24T13:00:00.002-05:00

Man, some of my buttons are NOT relationship-driven. One of them is losing things. Once they're lost, I'm CONVINCED I can not find. When I do, it's definitely a fluke. Of course, at the same time my mental outlook becomes completely black. It was amazing watching this happen today when I couldn't find my car keys (best bet now is that they fell out of my coat pocket while I was walking/running the dogs in the snow last night - I wouldn't have heard much if they fell in this wet snow, and now they'd be in a plowed snowbank somewhere - don't think we haven't been out to look!). And I didn't know what to do about it. Though at least there was a small victory in the choice NOT to yell at Fiora when she was flailing about screaming that she didn't want to be put on my back (in the carrier) for the walk around the neighborhood to look for them (once the transition was done, as always, she was completely peaceable and capable of conversing again, and she quickly took a lovely nap back there); I just took a deep breath and persisted in putting her up there, didn't apologize for my choice, told her again that it was important for me that she be back there today. That does feel kindof good (though largely overshadowed!).

So...
A: Losing something
B: I am totally incapable of rescuing myself from this situation.
I can never find things once they are misplaced.
I am not a capable person, I am a useless person no matter how hard I try.
C: I wallow in the throes of frustration
I snap at my beloved family, I whine in frustration, I make it difficult to help me
D: Everyone loses things
It can be hard to find things, especially when one is convinced one can't find them
E: Forgive myself for losing things. Over and over again, as many times as I need to. That may be the only way to snap myself out of it. It's the only thing I can think of right now. Who knows where this originated from, but it's definitely useless behavior, and I'd rather start to step away from it.

Right now, husband is rescuing me, and I am grateful. We will get keys tomorrow.

Week Seven: Relationships

2010-02-23T20:47:00.003-05:00

So, here are the two personal stories I've been wanting to share. There's not much in the way of real stories about them, really, and not much in the way of "results" the way we usually look at them, but they were powerful moments that mean much more to me as a sign of results in the way we're interacting.

The first was with my poodle. He's the one who chases our beloved cat. Yesterday he stood in the hallway (the power point of the house, where 4 rooms/hallways/stairs cross) while the tabby walked through - dog stared, but didn't show any aggressive body signs. Now, this isn't exactly unusual. For some reason Catterpault is much more vulnerable to attracting aggression when he's sitting still than when he's walking around. Not that it keeps him from socializing with us - he's a brassy, wonderful cat. At any rate, rather than using my "power voice" to get Nimbletoes to lie down, I found myself sinking down on my knees in appreciation of his moments of self-control, and telling him sweet nothings, and he sank his head into my chest and I gave him a shoulder massage (his favorite, but not something he gets often). It was lovely. He followed me around all morning, we were in a good place. I want to do it again.

Of course, that night he was all eyes for the cat (!), and we did have to ask him to lie down and self-restrain. But I find myself looking for times to deepen our relationship, and my chance to admire him (especially in the presence of the cat).

The second was with my daughter. As I've mentioned before, she doesn't really like to be read to. I thought that might be a power thing, but I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't feel connected to. I thought the offer to read was connection enough, but I may be wrong. Haven't had a chance to explore that yet. At any rate, last night she was watching The Wiggles right before bed (still went to bed smoothly), and I slipped over on the sofa to sit with her. Normally that's all I do, and she's not terribly responsive. Last night, I realized this as I shifted over and no connection like I was (and have always) imagined happened. And I shifted my focus to just "being" with Fiora, to sharing her space and appreciating her presence (who knows what my focus was before, to do the right thing or something)...and by the gods, she knew it. She glanced at me, and then shifted her body right back so she was resting up against me. It was such a sweet moment to be part of.

Did I say I love this stuff?

Week Seven: more about praise from NurtureShock

2010-02-23T13:54:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I like being thorough, and we got some cancellations at work due to the "snow." (They like the thoroughness at work....!)

During the book club I ran on NurtureShock, one of the other moms who had been a teacher noted that far and away the best way to get the class to settled down was to verbally notice the one kid who was quiet and prepared and ready. No praise, no judgment, just noticing them in a positive tone...and the other kids would really get the message! That surprised me, but in a good way. She talked about how the description was much more powerful for the kids than any judgment calls or emotional reactions.

"Good job" is probably the most common praise I do. But someone at the Mother's Connection of Farmington Conference I went to last year mentioned how her mom said "you DID it!" And I've been using that more, and just noticed how it can really replace "good job." What's really cool about using "you did it"? She can claim it herself - sometimes we hear Fiora in another room saying, "I did it!"

Another research observation from NurtureShock: older kids (beyond 12 or so) perceived praise as an indication that the individual getting praised was actually NOT capable, because they've seen that adults try to raise self-esteem by praising. In contrast, teachers that criticize can be perceived as trusting that the kids can do better, and therefore more positive. Depends on how it's done, of course.

Yet another research observation was that specific praise (about blocking in hockey, or using line of sight during running, whatever) was much more effective than general "good job, good boy" whatever kind of praise. Again, the description aspect seems to help kids (and adults) focus on desirable goals.

Neat stuff. Personal stories next.

Week Seven: Encouragement, NOT praise

2010-02-23T10:10:00.006-05:00

This sounds GREAT! I just finished leading a book club about NurtureShock by Po Bronson in which he reviews all this stuff about the ill effects of praise..hm, I should go dig that up.

One striking observation from the book was that kids who were praised (outside the family, presumably all different kinds of family situations) after a test with a measly one sentence saying either "Wow, you're really smart" or "Wow, you worked really hard at that" (that's paraphrased) had pretty dramatically different responses to the next test being harder. Kids praised for being smart were worried about losing that status and didn't want to take a harder test when given a choice, while kids praised for working hard were much more willing to take a chance and then ENJOYED the challenge (while kids praised for being smart showed more signs of stress). Hm, should I use "praised" there, or noticed/labeled? So, "noticing" something our kids do by labelling them as something is not the kind of noticing that helps them grow into their true selves.

Another study showed that kids who were taught that their brains got smarter if they studied (rather than that they're stuck fulfilling whatever label they've been given as smart or dumb) studied a lot harder! It's kindof like the kid Vicki talked about in momTV last night who was thrilled to discover his own study habits and what could empower him to do better in class (in that case, he figured it out himself).

Similarly, later in NurtureShock he talks about the strength of a technique that involves giving preschoolers a chance to pick out which letter that they've written is the best. This uses the "ask a question" style of encouragement, and it does strengthen a kid's opinion of herself to assess herself. Bronson talks about how it helps kids build up their own internal image of what they're trying to do, which makes it a lot easier to try to reach that goal.

I also liked how the history discussed pointed out a seminal paper that showed the power of having good self-esteem. This seemed to have created a cultural appreciation of good self-esteem. However, it almost seems like we all assumed that since insults feel so damaging to our self-esteem, praise is the antidote. While in contrast, more recent observations (though I dont know how old the stuff is that Vicki is drawing from) shows that that's really not the case. Another thing that would make praise an easy direction to be drawn towards is that praise is pretty easy to do, it's not that much work really (though if it doesn't work, that's not a winning argument!).

Okay, two more cool things then I gotta go to work: Praise makes kids more likely to eye-check with adults/authority figures when doing something or saying something; and it makes them more likely to word their answers to questions like questions. So, you can SEE the effects of it in these body-language signs of insecurity.

Have two simple stories about relationship I want to toss in later, hopefully soon.

Week Six: not engaging in a power conflict

2010-02-21T20:11:00.003-05:00

huh. This has worked before, and it worked again when given the chance.

I've been wanting to read a book to Fiora - heaven knows why, she much prefers to read them to herself! But I have this idea of connecting by reading, and I'd still like to give it a chance. After all, sometimes she DOES really like to be read to, but we haven't made it a priority of late. Tonight, during the bedtime routine (pjs and diaper, brush teeth, say goodnight, read book), Fi was reading along (and noodling big time). I finally asked her if I could read the book - not take it, it was HER book, but borrow it and read it; and that I'd really like to read it to HER. Whew, lots of screaming about how it was her book! I just sat back and didn't engage in that conflict - what was there to say anyway? I'd already said my piece. And after several minutes of almost crying, she silently handed me the book! I said thanks, and started to read it to her. Her attention wandered part way through, but not so much - when I finished it, she said brightly "my turn!" So I let her read through it, and then it was lights out.

Peaceful bedtime otherwise, and that drama was so worth it. Now to figure out how to make book reading a real connection...ask her questions about the story, maybe, and the pictures....

And it was pretty cool that she has accepted the "one book" nighttime rule after just 5 days or so (at least she didn't go looking for another book!).

Love this girl, will keep striving....

Week Six: Thanks, fellow bloggers

2010-02-19T18:16:00.003-05:00

I got this insight when responding to the blog of another Parenting on Track person:

I so feel this [a struggle] about courage [as a big C]! I think I enjoy being able to be there for my 2 year old when she’s struggling (oh, I hadn’t worded it that way before…!), and it’s less satisfying for ME to watch and not help. Even though it has the potential to be so much more satisfying to her. And hence satisfying to me from afar.

Weird...and while reading that again, I thought: "But I CONNECT with her when I help her." Whoa! I don't want helping to be the way we connect...or...wait, I DO want her to help around the house, help us as a family and as people, and I DO like the idea of helping others in general. In fact, I do like the idea of connecting with others by helping them. But, things get a little fuzzy about when to help. Hm, not only is it less satisfying to not go and help, it's also more frustrating to just watch.

Yep, definitely entangled in ways I don't need to be! (haven't I noticed this before? And i suppose i might just have to notice it again, and again, and perhaps lots more than that, as it sinks in for real....)

Maybe it's time to try sitting back and letting her do her own thing, and connecting in a more quiet way, a trustful way.

Week Six: Sleep...not aways peaceful

2010-02-19T17:54:00.002-05:00

the one book during the bedtime routine worked great with her dad for two nights in a row, but last night I tried it and gosh darn it but she KNEW it was "supposed" to be 3. *sigh* rocky bedtime, but still, 6 out of 7 were peaceful bedtimes, for the first time ever (except when she's exhausted). I'd call that success!

I'm having trouble articulating the 4 crucial c's with Fiora. So, I've just been letting them percolate in the back of my mind (and doing minimalistic coaching on how she uses the sink to "wash" dishes - maybe that's letting her know how Capable she is). With the nice result that I've been really practicing letting the dogs know how much they count (it's easy, the main channel for the communication is via eye contact, and it's special - I've never had such intimate eye contact with the dogs), and it's really deepened our relationship in ways I can't articulate, either. Plus I've been practicing "trusting" how capable they are on our walks. I can't tell that it's helped our walks have less pulling or anything (but that had already improved so much over the past few weeks), but it sure puts ME in a better place to relate to them!

It's kindof interesting how it's easier for me to practice absorbing these lessons during my work with the dogs. They do get a discrete period of time when all I do is focus on them (their nighttime walk and then training minutes). And they don't require me to articulate much at all.

So, no rush for now. I'm working on it.

Week Six: Another revelation

2010-02-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

Not so much strictly PoT, but heavily parenting. Was talking to Brian about yesterday's button episode, and when I mentioned about her trouble with transitions, he mentioned that he had trouble leaving a project, too. Which made me think, I used to throw TANTRUMS when I was kid because I didn't want to take a bath if I was READING A BOOK. So that makes two parents with a child just like them, in that she's not keen on making transitions willy-nilly.

THAT's gonna be easier to swallow in the future.

Week Six: Did she always whine this much?

2010-02-17T19:40:00.002-05:00

I don't really feel like blogging tonight, but i like how it keeps me on track, keeps me focused, so here I am.

Anyway, she's been getting more and more noticeably whiny, at least at home. I'm just starting to wonder in what ways I've been rewarding this behavior, and vowing to start ignoring it (in a few days - I'm kindof curious what I've been doing, though! I think I HAVE been cuddling her when she whines or gets frustrated...oops. I kNEW I was going to have trouble with this, though...). The first concrete step has been just asking her to ask in a different voice before giving her something she's asked for. After I've done that for a few days, I'll feel more comfortable about just ignoring it. Oh, and spending more energy really connecting!

And can I just say, she still amazes me with what she learns if given the right information, and the time and space to figure things out. She burnt her hand (no permanent burn, just hurt it) in hot water from the sink while "washing dishes" the other night. So I showed her which direction to pull/push the handle for cooler water, and put her stool on that side so shed be likely to make it cold (she can barely reach the handle, so this help is sortof crucial). Now, she checks the water when it first comes on! NEVER thought I'd teach this bold child to do that, certainly didn't work with the warnings I can't avoid saying, but she's got it - and it wasn't any teaching that did it. Experience is such a good teacher.

I also have been asking her to not turn the water on full blast - she spends ages at the sink when she's washing dishes, and I get antsy if it sounds like she's using lots of water. Twenty-four hours later, and she's getting really good at regulating the water speed, even though she can HARDLY reach the handle to work with it. She finesses it, and if she accidentally turns it off, she'll repeat her attempt 6 times without getting frustrated as she works on it.

I wonder if MY sense of frustration as she's working on things (not because I have to get anywhere, but more sympathetic frustration) is something she picks up when I'm watching her. Would make some sense about why she doesn't like to read to me very often.... Hm, will percolate on this. Kindof feels like the idea of making space for every thing, every moment in my life, not pushing the moment with expectations. Funny how hard it is to be in my zen mind when Fiora is having a hard time with something...but I know I DO want her to learn that she can make it through tough moments. You know, I was even talking to Brian about how much I loved the idea of her having challenges from just normal life. It reminded me of all the kids books I've read in which the hero is orphaned somehow, and then faces all these challenges on her or his own and overcomes them. Of course I've wanted that experience soemtimes! Weird how much I want to protect her from, what, herself? Getting discouraged so she can get over it? Well, I don't get this still, but I feel like I got a clue from "zen mind" comment above - it's okay to NOT TAKE RESPONSBILITY FOR HER CHALLENGES (wow, there's some clarity), and to be there for support.

Week Six: The crucial C's, but this is about a button

2010-02-16T13:02:00.000-05:00

Dang. So much awesome stuff going on, and then I let a button EXPLODE! Ah, well, I guess sometimes it's about triggering some self-exploration.

Fiora got her markers last night to color with. Personally, I prefer crayons, they don't make a mess all over her hands that gets transferred to toilet and walls and clothing. But I gotta admit, she was making some beautiful stuff with the vivid marker colors. and this girl LOVES to color/draw.

So, this morning she threw herself right into it again. Wanted some paper on the floor, so down it went. Then wanted to color on a card (I'd bought some for valentine's day,and there were extras, just plain white cards). Fine. Then I realized she was had the card on the cedar chest that my father's dear friend made for him. So i popped off to grab another big sheet of paper to put under her cards. And she went dramatic with screams of "I don't want it!", and pushing the paper away.

And MY button got pushed.
A: Someone being upset when I'm being helpful.
B: She doesn't appreciate me.
In this case, she's done this a thousand times before (drawn on something on top of a big sheet of white paper, she drew all her other cards while there on top of a big sheet of white paper), so she's being irrational and obstructive!
C: I got angry. Yep, I yelled. *sigh*
D: You know, she gets really focused when she's drawing.
And you know what else, she's not great at transitions anyways.
AND she got to bed late last night, so her transitions may be even tougher.
Maybe I wasn't very clear about what I was going to do, maybe she thought I was going to take her card away without so much as a by your leave?
E: ?

So, after I yelled, she said she didn't want to color her card anymore (who can blame her?!?!), and she cried and I picked her up and tried to explain myself...but I don't recall apologizing for yelling. *sigh again*

So, tonight I apologize and ask her if she's okay (that's our protocol, adopted from a friend and her daycare provider). Even if she doesn't remember it by then, it won't hurt. And if she does, well, it's appropriate.

And next time? If this happened again, I BET I could've (1) stopped; (2) breathed deeply; and (3) thought (this is from Blue's Clues!), then put the paper halfway on and asked Fiora to put it under her card. Then REMEMBER that when she says no, often she's really just asking for space so she can make the choice herself. And I bet she would've put it under the card herself. And peace and happiness would reign. Of course, maybe not, and then I could've just washed the markers off. 'Cause (embarrassed) they were actually washable markers.... (should put a bag over my head about now....)

Week Whatever: Addicted

2010-02-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

You know how you can get addicted to reality shows? Well, right now I'm addicted to this whole show, this whole process, this whole LIFE thing. I mean, how cool is that? Maybe this is a little like the excitement Fi shows when she gets to show off just how capable she can be and is (she looks so thrilled during those moments).

And, okay, here's some off-track stuff (it's a lot more personal-parent than about the family journey). (where to start?) During the momTV show last night, and the following chat, I realized I was going to have trouble helping Fi develop courage...it involves letting her struggle, and get frustrated, and fail...and I don't want her to get DIScouraged (funny, i never realized how those two words are entertwined!). I have such a STRONG fear of her getting discouraged...that I realized I'm likely an "avoidance" child myself. Doesn't make much sense on the surface: I have a PhD and a medical degree, and a great job (both outside the home and now AT home!). It's not like I avoid work - my parents NEVER had to remind me to do homework, or study, that was stuff i took on for myself. But, man, do I ever avoid failure...and do I ever avoid connection (it's a miracle I'm married, really).

And you know what else? When Vicki lectured in Simsbury the spring of 2009, and I was forunate enough to be there, she lectured about the roadmap stuff. I made a roadmap of what I wanted my daughter to think of me, and my goal was to be a courageous person...so whew, thinking of this again last night, I was all tearing up, my big sign that I'm touching on some real emotional baggage. Whew.

And then, driving in to bikram yoga this morning, I was thinking about telling Fiora how much she mattered this morning, and I had this instant insight about myself. I'm not just an avoidance child, I'm a revenge child. Whoa. Again, it's not obvious. I loved my parents dearly (okay, maybe it's more obvious with my brother!! We are cordial but nothing like friends or even frequent communicators - but even there, not vicious), I did NOT lash out at them. They needed my support when I was a kid (sick father), and I was loyal to a fault. But I realized this morning that MY version of revenge, since I couldn't cause them dramatic hurt without disrupting the fragile balance of our family (and I couldn't bear that - avoidance?), was to not connect. I loved them, don't get me wrong, but I kindof withdrew any true emotional availability. It felt like there wasn't space for me to be emotionally real anyway (hence the hurt, maybe?).

So, I spent bikram today (ninety minutes of hot yoga, spent looking at oneself in a huge mirror) going over the mantras from PoT - telling myself I mattered, that the universe would choose me over and over again, imagining what it would feel like to have my parents (who have been dead for a long time now) tell me that - asking myself to be courageous and engage in the yoga, and to let my poor balance be MY pathway to a healthy body, be MY courageous way to engage in the process - oh my god, it was really intense. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but it was REALLY intense, and emotional, in kindof random ways.

I'm going to do it again next time.

So, today it's about my relationship with myself. Big journey steps. So I can be there for Fiora. Thanks, Vicki.

Week Six: The Crucial C's (connect, capable, count, courage)

2010-02-16T08:19:00.001-05:00

Thanks, Vicki, for all the encouragement. That was such fun! And winning your prize, well, that may be the best prize I've ever gotten, 'cause it's for something I'm doing from my own center and not to fit the expectations of others - like, wow.

Of course, you know that all the best stuff (prizes) comes from how life is changing. I can't believe how much my OWN sleep schedule has improved this week! It's been surprisingly easy to make changes that I've been wanting to make (on some level) for ages, surprisingly easy to commit to sleep as something that is just as important as all that forcing myself to stay alert so I can get more done. Maybe because of the clarity that comes from seeing how much happier Fiora is when she gets sleep, and how much cloudier her thinking and responses are when she's tired. I don't want to live that way, and don't want her to, either. And maybe too from that fabulous line I keep going back to, that evolved from the sleep roadmap - I have a goal now to be tuned in to our own body rhythms (and maybe even to our family's rhythm), and to honor them.

Really looking forward to the four C's (for more info, and for credit where credit is due, know that the Crucial Cs were developed by Drs. Betty Lou Bettner and Amy Lew - check out more info at http://www.connexionspress.com/books.html). Just this morning I told Fiora how MUCH she matters to me, and she was really quiet. Looking back, I see her starting to do some mildly destructive things in the house, and I think she needed to hear this. Amazing how much quiet there can around things that are so important to do, it's no wonder we get distracted from doing them or don't realize how important they are.

Week Five: It happens with Baba

2010-02-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

Yep. Baba put her to bed last night, and no fuss. *almost too good to be true* Am SO pleased!

Tonight we got started late, and she picked the BIGGEST, LONGEST book out there! So, bedtime wasn't until 8pm. BUT Brian didn't use the leftovers technique, he made dinner (he loves to cook! Hard to argue against a hot fresh dinner....). So, we still have the leftovers technique to use to get her to bed on time...if it seems a priority enough.

And he told me tonight that she not only took off her coat on her own, but HUNG IT UP when he pointed out the door knob she could hang it on (and LOVED it). And then aligned her boots with his under the coat rack. ON HER OWN.

....love this stuff....

Week Five: Not a fluke!

2010-02-13T23:32:00.001-05:00

It happened again! A peaceful transition from reading to bedtime, DESPITE book reading transforming into the offering of imaginary fruits by Fiora for sharing with mama! (Perhaps she was tired and taking it down a notch? ;) ) Hm, I like sharing these bedtimes with her so much!

And this morning we were going out to check the mailbox for valentine letters, Fi with no diaper, no pants, just a summer dress on - i admit, I did ask if she wanted boots and coat, and she said YES! But the best was when she realized she really wanted pants and told me. Wish now that I'd let her look for and find them in the travelling clothes bag...next time!

Week Five: It happened. A peaceful bedtime.

2010-02-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure whether I can breath yet!

So, here's what happened. We had dinner (Fi just picking at dinner...confirmed with daycare family that she often eats dinner there, and as we pay more attention to her nighttime eating habits, it's becoming obvious that she doesn't need to eat much many nights after daycare), then I invited Fiora to play chase. Well, THAT was too exciting to pass up! So we played chase for a few minutes until she got tired/distracted, then I got her PJ's and nighttime diaper out.

Tick off "exercise"

I helped her off with her clothes. Then I left to put away the dirty clothes as Fiora ran off to "go potty." When I came back, she had her diaper and was lying down in an attempt to put it on! Go, girl! I helped her, then PJ's (some fussing, but I kept inviting her to put it on herself - that does still help some). As does the promise of brushing teeth once PJ's are on! We raced to the bathroom, I told her she could get her own spit rag (where she practices rinsing her mouth and spitting without having to reach the sink or dribbling all over her PJ's). She ignored that for several minutes, then asked if she could get her rag! Hurrah again! After we were done, she was ready to run out and get a book...but I reminded her we had to clean the bathroom first (an idea only introduced yesterday, so reminders are okay). So she grabbed her cup and put it on the counter, took her toothbrush and put it up, and I hung up the "spit rag." Wow, three firsts in one 15 minute piece of time.

Then off to pick out books. I told her she could pick out two and I'd pick out one, 'cause I'd love to read to her. And I told her we'd take the books to her bedroom to read. That made her stop and think, but I talked about sitting on the bed, and I think she liked that. She tried to divert to mama's bed, was getting upset, but I offered to pick her up so she could turn on her bedroom light - big carrot! Then when I put her down, a little upset again, but I fluffed up a pillow on her toddler bed and made myself comfortable, and it was too much to resist! She came and joined me. We read simultaneously (I swear, she doesn't like to read TO us, but to herself - are we THAT judgmental?!?!), with her occasionally listening in to the good bits in my book. :) I told her the last read-through before bed, and then when that was done I told her it was time for bed, "which bed do you want?" And she picked her crib, with little fuss about the transition - oh, sigh of relief! Then I picked her up to go say goodnight to baba and the dogs. When we came back to the room, SHE turned the light off. And didn't want any songs, so straight into bed she went (with a book clutched in her hand still).

Tick off "more structure on how many books" and "reading in the bedroom"

There was one callback when her binkey fell on the floor, but she's asleep now.

SUCCESS!! For the first time ever. She was always a Cry It Out baby. This was so nice to be around.... And the secrets? Minimized transition to bedroom, gave her more power-choices directly about bedtime (which bed? turn on/off lights?). Thanks, PoT roadmap and Kurcinka!

Week Five: and MORE on bedtime roadmap

2010-02-11T21:18:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, too much information for anyone but me! But I find it helpful to write down the jumble of ideas and observations and info I'm reading, so here I am.

From Sleepless in America:
- Sounds like Fiora has trouble with transitions. Indeed, it's when a suggestion to change is made that she freaks out. Or when we try to take something from her that she's proud of having found and is using well.
- For kids with trouble with transitions, it can help to do bedtime routine in the bedroom.
--- so...I like the idea of trying book-reading in her bedroom. She has her toddler bed in there, so we could sit on that to read. And then say it's time for bed, have her turn off her own light (she likes that), maybe travel out into the rest of the house to say goodnight (that may be asking for trouble though, maybe better to say goodnight and then go read book before lights out? Not sure, will have to experiment with this).

From observation:
- Reading gets her really excited. It does NOT seem to slow her down. Granted, at the end of the day she rarely wants to listen to US read, she wants to read HERSELF.
--- so...could tell her that at night it's time for parent to read books... (ha!)
--- or...could stop using reading at bedtime. I like the idea of coming home and doing some exercise! That's something she enjoys, but doesn't fight about stopping usually, and it doesn't seem to get her wired up.... I imagine there would be some resistance to going from exercise to PJ's, but maybe we could dance a little, then brush teeth, get PJ's and go read a book....okay, so I STILL Haven't eliminated the book, and perhaps I should. Then, we would get PJ's on, brush teeth, and dance a little.

Today:
Well, it was rocky today. Our dog attacked our cat while we were away (it makes me sick to say this). He's been pretty good lately, even resisting when the dog gate was left open twice. Despite trying to increase awareness about the dog gate, it was left open again, and the claw marks on his face and the hair loss on the cat attest to it. So...when I came home all fired up to get Fi to bed by 7 or 7:15, well, I got distracted. Still...knew she got dinner tonight at daycare...offered her applesauce as an at-home snack with mama...she was terrifically proud of opening it herself, but ate only a few spoonfuls, so near-bedtime-hunger may not be much of an issue to take care of (INFO GATHERED)...told her it was time for PJ's (much wailing - hey, wait, did I invite her to put on PJ's? Gads, no! Must try that...thanks, blog!), caught wailing child, she told me she had "big poop (thank you, child! And I did, too), changed to bedtime diaper, invited her to put on PJ's (she wanted a shirt, NOT PJ's, much wailing)...told her it was time to brush teeth (happy child)...checked on cat, came back to messy bathroom and child reading book...told child we had to clean up the bathroom first (much wailing, short wrestling match with child during which I realized she felt she had a right to the book, apologized to child about not stating rules more clearly ahead of time, said that next time we would need to clean up afterwards before books, went and cleaned up bathroom)...had child say "okay, mama" several minutes later and go to clean up bathroom (MAN, mama, GIVE HER SPACE! She's amazing!), took rag down so she could put it up to dry...went to read book with her (4 times, she read it), gave her option to go to bed in the middle of the book or the end (she choose to read it again), told her that time was the last time....after she finished it, said it was bedtime (much wailing), picked her up...said goodnight to baba, dogs (while she cried about how she didn't want to go to bed and wouldn't let go of book, and needed apple juice)...took her to bedroom, she choose her crib...talked to her a little about sleep, can't remember now but it felt good and non-lecture-like, she responded predictably to dark room by putting head on my shoulder, sang her a verse of her lullaby, and put her down to sleep...she started crying about wanting this or that, told her goodnight, shut door, child asleep (she goes to sleep really well generally when the room is dark and after we leave).

Final assessment: not impressed. The transitions are no easier yet. I like talking to her about sleep, though. I feel like I need to make it clearer (to both her and myself) what our routine is - not any number of books, just "x" number, and how many read-throughs, and who reads them?

I'm not sure, and I'll make a choice anyway for tomorrow:
1 - dance some around 6 tomorrow, or after dinner anyway! (try this for a week)
2 - read books in her bedroom tomorrow (try this for a week)
3 - pick TWO books to read, one for mama to read and one for Fiora to read (try this for a week, though who reads could change)

At the end of the week, consider no books for bedtime routine, or make a sleepytime bookshelf with bedtime books she can choose from. I can tell we'll be experimenting for a while...!!

Week Five: More on the bedtime roadmap

2010-02-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

I still like the stuff I outlined a few days ago about dealing with the emotions of bedtime. But now we've also decided to deal with the TIMING of bedtime as well. Sadly, these two objectives will not help each other much. Other kids may become more cantankerous about the bedtime the sleepier they get, Fiora actually gets much more charming about bedtime the sleepier she gets (for instance, there was almost no fuss last night about bedtime - only problem was it was way too late! Not an adequate solution for the emotional difficulty around bedtime...though perhaps fodder for helping her identify HOW tired she is, if we end up there again).

CURRENT SITUATION: we aim for bedtime between 7 and 8pm, she's gotten to bed as late as 8:30 (and the later the bedtime, the crankier the child the next day)
GOAL: bedtime around 7pm EVERY NIGHT, however peaceful (the reading I've done on sleeping so far suggests that every night matters - just having one late night a week affects their brain function, too bad!)

OBSTRUCTIONS ON OUR ROAD:
1. Bri and I both work fairly late, and though we COULD change that it wouldn't be easy
- I just increased my hours as part of a longterm family goal, and I'm trying to fill up my schedule. I'd rather not take away the late hours until my schedule is fuller
- Bri does his writing in the morning, and has had trouble when he's tried to switch to writing in the evening
2. The nights I work late, Bri has to (a) pick Fi up from daycare; (b) make dinner; and (c) put Fi to bed. This seems like too much to me, and indeed, her latest nights seem to fall on these nights.
3. We don't get much time with Fiora at night anyway, so it's tempting to keep her up.
4. I really like having family dinners, and that won't happen on my late nights if she gets to bed on time.

SOLUTIONS:
1. Prioritize bedtime - this is win-win. Once she's in bed, both parents have more time to do chores, relax, or walk with the dogs. We can still have family dinners 4 of 7 nights a week, so at least more often than not.
2. Make 2 of my late nights official "leftovers" nights, so Bri doesn't have to choose between a late bedtime or a late dinner - he'll take over weekend meals
3. Find out if Fi eats dinner with her daycare family - if she does, a snack during her bedtime ritual (PJ's, read books, brush teeth) might be enough if we're running late
4. Family dinners at 6-7pm (7pm on Fridays, 6pm otherwise) on my cooking nights and on weekends. Bri will aim to get home by 6 or 6:30 on my Wednesday cooking night.
5. I'll prioritize getting out of work on time 2 of 3 nights a week (the somewhat earlier nights) so I can say goodnight to Fiora and help with bedtime. I can catch-up on low-priority phone calls on the really late night.
6. Note: might have to brainstorm new lunch foods if we're eating more leftovers for dinner...this has been hard to solve for Bri, as we're on a tighter budget this year and he used to get meals at his company's FABULOUS "cafe" - homemade anything had a tough time competing, and doesn't always fill him up.

Hey, this isn't as drastic as I thought it might have to be, and I think it will work! :) Hurrah for roadmaps and problem-solving!

Finally, I'm going to keep a sleep schedule record for all three of us this week - curiuos to see what it shows. Already it revealed that Bri got MUCH LESS sleep than I realized last night!

Week Five: Sleep

2010-02-10T14:45:00.001-05:00

Okay, last night Fiora got to sleep at 8:30, at least 1.5 hours past her ideal bedtime. She got up at 6am - half an hour to an hour earlier than she gets up when she gets to bed at 7pm. So, how has our day been? Well, it's been pretty good, but there has been a LOT of managing on our part, because any challenges cause significant meltdowns - we can TELL she's tired, even if she can't yet!

The good news? (there's lots of it).

Brian mentioned early this morning, after noticing her irritability, that we should make a roadmap for her bedtime tonight.... :) Dinner at 6pm, coming up! Chinese dumplings and miso soup (chinese new year is Feb 14th).

I got Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, Sleepless in America, and after just reading the introduction felt like I had a little more clarity, both for Fiora and me. Will report back any good tidbits.

When we got home from the library, Fiora forgot to take off her coat and boots. I let her walk on into the house, and started talking out loud about taking off my hat and scarf, and boots and coat...and she turned around, put down the paper she was carrying ("don't touch, mama!"), took off her coat, then sat down, undid the velcro on her boots (I've never seen her do that before), took off her boots and arranged them neatly next to mine (also somethign she's never done!). I was SO impressed. Wish I knew better what to say - I think I said "good job" or "thanks" or something, I could have just articulated exactly what she had accomplished...good thing to remember, next time!

When it was nap time first-attempt, fiora fussed - she wanted her "big bed" - fine. But then she wasn't lying down, so I told her she needed to lie down, and she "distracted" me (? often attempted before naps or bedtime) by saying she wanted the crib. I asked her if she wanted to climb into the crib (something she'd never done), and she got excited by that idea. So, I helped her climb in the crib and she lay down and let me put her blankets on. In my mind, though it took a LOT of management, I like the final results of lying down on her own without crying, so I'm calling it a success. (However, she urinated in her cloth diaper, and when I went to change it she was so perky I let her down - my bad, looking back I wish I'd given her another chance to sleep, the perkiness may have been her only way of keeping awake when tired...thank you, Kurcinka!)

When it was nap time second-attempt, she threw a FULL tantrum. I'd hoped to avoid it to some degree by (1) helping her know it was coming by letting her chose what she wanted to do before her nap - eat pasta; and (2) giving her that choice. That did not help, at least at this extremely tired state. She shrieked and screamed for many long minutes (tired girl! RARELY does this anymore) - finally I calmly went in to check on her, she was holding up a onesie that she had decided against putting on before naptime and asking for help putting it on. I helped her put it on, she asked for water. I got her water, and she lay down and let me put blankets on her and the tantrum was done. So, the nice thing was that the second part of the second attempt went smoothly...but obviously we want to be a lot more proactive about this.

more about sleep roadmap as we try to figure it out...we've worked on this one before, but we've kindof been learning information as we go...previous attempts have definitely had only partial success, and we're slipping backwards!

Week Five: Roadmaps

2010-02-09T09:12:00.001-05:00

I heard about these when Vicki came to talk at Mother's Connection of Farmington in May of 2009. We made one family roadmap when I came home, and I was never quite satisfied with it, so it was great to get a chance to make a new one. Or several. Because I ended up making one for bedtime routine (currently its smooth, but she's always upset when bedtime is announced, she cried - I mentioned tantruming last night, but really she just cries; DH started inviting her to say goodnight to the dogs, and that interrupts the crying at least partially, which has been great, but she's still sad and arguing to get out of bedtime; and we've added some routine to bedtime - PJ's and bedtime diaper, then brushing teeth (which she loves), then a book, then bedtime - I think I like the routine more than she does, and the nights we don't use it i don't see a difference, but she does enjoy all the steps). And DH mentioned wanting something to deal with the "bottleneck" that happens when he gets her home from daycare and she won't take off her boots and coat downstairs when he asks her to.

So....
STarting Place (bedtime):
ME: Starting place: distracted and impatient, tired
FI: Starting place: receptive, likes to help, enjoys being independent and capable, doesn't like having choices made for her, small tantrum every bedtime
Goal ending place:
ME: centered and strong, present and connected
FI: enjoys being part of our family rhythm, noticing her own internal rhythems, makes healthy choices
GOAL: have one peaceful bedtime this week
PLAN: read books about bedtime (one book is parent's choice...if need to read it at the dinner table, can do that...or in the morning...read it out loud even if she says she isn't interested)...talk more about sleepiness, about how much I value sleeping and why (again, not necessarily directly to her)...ask Fiora how sleepy she is (from 1 to 10, though this may not work well as she's not really strong on her numbers yet, I still like the idea of inviting her to assess her own sleepiness)...practice diffierent lullabies, let her pick one...

Starting place (getting home):
BRI: Impatient, busy
FI: obstructive? unwilling
Goal ending place:
BRI: Supportive and constructive
FI: willing contributor
GOAL: Fiora takes off boots and coat when she comes home without resisting once this week
PLAN: Bri will let her know where he'll be (upstairs in kitchen) and that she can join him once she's got her boots and coat off (she gets her space, he gets his)...if she comes upstairs without taking them off, he'll take her back down and state the requirement for coming upstairs without judging...don't remind her anymore (she resents reminders once she start to get the hang of routine!)...hang coat hook for Fiora (craft box?) downstairs

Can I just say I love the clarity these roadmaps just created for me?

Week Four: It's Harder When I'm Sick...

2010-02-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

I mean, when I'm not lying back and letting her take care of stuff, anyway. When we're together, I was finding it hard to be creative about finding ways to share my thoughts that the valentines we were making should have similar amounts of stickers on them, so siblings getting valentines from here wouldn't get jealous - gods, let it go! I can always dress one up with drawings before I send it out. And then again, when milk got spilt twice at breakfast, I was pretty good about not choosing to freak out (small hurrah!), just getting the rags, and Fiora did a great job cleaning up the bulk of it...then I zipped in and tidied up the rest...even after she asked to be able to spray it down to clean it up. Duh!! Well, it's always good to have something to shoot for! ;)

Week Four: Extinction!

2010-02-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

The technique was extinction, but what was so powerful was that Brian and I were on the same wavelength, easy agreement about the appropriate response to her - man, sweet! Because what happened was that at dinner last night, Fiora (who was tired) started practically YELLING something over and over again, obviously more to get attention than to communicate something...I had no desire to reward that behavior, so Bri and I just maintained our conversation, no change in tone, it felt fabulous (not easy, but ever so worthy and RIGHT). And then I turned to Fiora during a moment of semi-quiet and asked her if she wanted to give the dogs her leftover soup, and voila, down she went, yelling forgotten.

Success!

Week Four: more from Week Three!

2010-02-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

Wow, a lot more firsts for Fiora today! (Maybe it's just her age? But this approach sure isn't hurting....)
- She took off her coat and boots on her own when she got home today...
- used chopsticks to eat some cereal this morning (not such a useful skill, but still one she was exploring!)...
- when there was a spill that I wasn't all over cleaning up, she stepped in to clean it up herself (giving her space really works! plus having a rag nearby doesn't hurt) and did a really thorough job...
- she took the initiative to feed the dogs her leftovers after dinner (before I always "gave permission" or gave a suggestion..though it's only taken 2-3 of those to get to this stage) and didn't spill any (she has to pour it into the dog bowl)...
- she hates putting on her pajamas (loves the pajamas, hates putting them on!) because its a sign that bedtime is coming. BUT, tonight, I decided to invite her to put on her pajamas on her own (I ended up still helping), and her attitude brightened a lot just with that one little thing - who knew?
- when she was screaming how she didn't want to go to bed, I first acknowledged her desire and feeling, and then started talking about the signs of sleepiness (things seem harder to do, etc.), and she really DID start to settle down. I know that may not sound like much, but it led to me feeling like I was inviting her to learn a skill, the going to sleep skill, instead of just putting her to bed, and it was a nice feeling.
- and when I cleaned the table for her because she had brought a book to the table, i think she seemed a bit miffed!

Can I just say I LOVE THIS!!!!

Week Four: Take some power

2010-02-05T02:53:00.001-05:00

Okay, I was ready to walk away from this, but then I reviewed what we'd talked about on Monday about the power situation. And part of it was that the parent gives away too much power, too. When I think about Fiora, there are certainly situations where I decide to be really clear about my expectations and she responds so beautifully, so easily and with seeming content. That makes me think that me being willing to claim my own power in appropriate situations (can't think of any right now...the sensation of claiming power creates a stronger memory than any little issues that were involved!) ALSO helps support her. And (by?) gives her a role model, too.

Week Four: Give away some power

2010-02-05T02:37:00.000-05:00

Well, some other people I know implied that if its power-plays that seem to happen, perhaps Fi needs to feel like she had more power over her own life. Her happiness on the sick day I had, when I hadn't the energy to (1) help her much and (2) have any errands that were going to be run (and hence had the patience to give her LOTS of space) - and when she was very industrious (made her 2nd sandwich, this one with pancakes; picked out her own pants for the first time; used the potty successfully, even announcing it, and then dumped it in the toilet (learned this at family daycare, hurrah Alia and Amanda! but a first for home); fed the dogs scraps from her meal, with no supervision (only the permission from mom); took off her pants 3 times (a little frustration screaming, it was harder not to help! an almost first); and took off her diaper covers twice (again with the suggestion from mom, but also a first) - suggests that perhaps that IS the case.

Tonight Fiora freaked out when her baba (dad) told her it was bedtime, and she wanted to eat more rice. It was already almost 1/2 past bedtime, 1 and 1/2 hours past her ideal bedtime. She freaks out whenever it's bedtime. She does settle down enough for Routine, in our case, saying goodnight to the dogs and other parent! (She falls asleep almost as soon as she hits the bed, and the tantrum-ing stops when she gets to talk to the dogs, though she's still sad.) And I've interpreted this as a need for continued activity, that she hates to stop doing stuff - I have the same problem at bedtime! But...perhaps there's also the difficulty that it's always so imposed. Am going to try talking to her more about sleepiness and encourage some self-awareness. (Maybe it will even help me....)

Week Four: Adler's Mistaken Goals of Behavior

2010-02-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

First, a caveat: I'm not I get this, or why it's presented. So I'll talk about what it has meant for me so far, the internal insights.

Again, the buttons the dogs have pushed have really made me aware of my tendency to overblown Anger, which happens in Power struggles. Or perceived power struggles, anyway. But, truthfully, Fiora doesn't cause this often; she more commonly created Frustrated, from needing Attention. Especially when she was a baby. But let me give you context: she was NOT a needy baby. As an example, she only sleeps well without us!

So, for me, I feel like _I_ am the one who has difficult providing needed attention, unless I'm at the top of my game. Hard to really know, I was in a lot of pain after she was born, it gradually got better over the first 18 months of her life, but that probably made it difficult and challenging to provide even necessary attention. It is not a problem much now. My dog training has given me experience in ignoring attention-seeking behavior, and I rather relish doing just that! My problem is identifying the behavior as attention seeking sometimes - you know, when it makes me giggle intead of making me frustrated, but I can see how in the future, in a different situation, it could really annoy me.

I also feel like _I_ am the one with big power issues. In the past especially I would give my power away easily (feel like the school system only encouraged that), and I've been slowly improving. MY improvement along those lines have decreased the Anger reactions. Pretty cool.

So, for me and mine, I feel like the Anger reflects more on me than what my child is seeking to do. I EXPECT her to see what she can get away with, to challenge rules, to explore, etc.

i'm curious what next week will bring.

Week Three: Why Loving It?

2010-02-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

Because I like the idea of her doing stuff, but have a very hazy feel for what a kid should be able to do at any age. Being able to expect MORE, being given permission to let her struggle a bit, is great! I like the idea that she may not need me hovering and helping so much as she needs a bit of space to experiment. Some things I'm good about not hovering with, but when she gets frustrated, well, that's hard for me to watch. So, I've let her get a bit more frustrated, and WITHOUT it affecting my emotional status. Using the idea that if she truly can't do it, we can still do it together and encourage that next time it might be easier. So I'm still there to support, but I'm not usurping her growing up, and not tied in to the emotion of the moment, but free to give her space and be emotionally unentangled. *sigh* So nice....

Week Three: Timeline for Training

2010-02-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

This week was great! It was about identifying what skills Fiora (at 26 months) had mastered and offered naturally; what skills she had at least partially mastered (in my mind) but didn't offer yet; and what skills she had yet to learn (which could, indeed, be very long!).

So...
skills mastered and offered naturally: waking up! putting on a subset of her shoes. Getting food out of the refridgerator. Cleaning with a rag (herself, furniture, floors). Sweeping (NOT mastered, but she's working on it!). Helping to take clean dishes from the dish washer. Brushing teeth (loves it, definitely still working on it).

Skills mastered and can be requested: bringing a bowl if she wants a snack; getting a cup if she's thirsty; recognizing if its cold outside; getting food out of the refridgerator (in a non-raiding fashion!); putting books away after reading them; washing dishes (she LOVES this!). Taking a bath (HATES it).

Skills to work on (in the near future): putting on her clothes; putting on the difficult shoes; taking off her clothes; getting her own utensils; bringing her dirty dishes to the kitchen; helping clean the dinner table; putting dirty clothes away; using her change bank without taking it apart (impossible?); brushing her hair; recognizing when she's tired

How to get these? Well, for better or worse, I haven't been asking her to do much besides the first list. So, first step will be to ask her to do it - she tends to like that. Second step will be to show her, or assist her, if she's confused; at least once, maybe a few times. Third step will be to give her the space to do it (really recognized this during week Five, when I was sick one day and hadn't the energy to help her much, Or to pack the day with activities - so I wasn't stressed with any timeline, and she did SO much new stuff, gads!)

Week Two: Last insight...again from the dogs

2010-02-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

Vicki mentioned that "you will GET what you pay attention to." And it's so true. This is something I learned a few years back when training my dogs, especially the reactive one (okay, they're both reactive now, which means I truly DO feel like there's more to work on with them than with my daughter sometimes!). And it's remained true through the years, when I feel like paying attention. Reprimanding does not get me far, unless I only have to reprimand once. What has WORKED, is paying attention to desirable behaviors (lying quietly when the cat is in the room, for instance, rather than going ballistic when he chases the cat -- too late them anyway).

Week Two: the doorway to the dogs

2010-02-03T22:18:00.000-05:00

Buttons were kindof easy to think of fast, not so much because our two year old pushes them, but because my dogs have pushed them. And something crazy happened when I listed the buttons, and extrapolated about them: when the dogs pushed them, I didn't get emotional about it! Oh-my-goddess, what a blessing that was! And in return, especially with the work of next week, they have been so much more responsive to me - I think there was one night in particular, where i broke through by asking myself what did I REALLY want, and the answer was a relationship with the dogs. Yep, there's my theme! Not the power position that I thought I wanted, not authority, but a relationship on which to base leadership would be good....

Week Two: Buttons? What Buttons?

2010-02-03T17:08:00.001-05:00

Okay, I wrote stuff down for this on my computer post-its, so it's roughly worded but here it is:

- Buttons: "this is unacceptable!!" (happens with the dogs!)
- Me: A: Acting like I've hurt them when I'm angry or frustrated or disappointed or feeling any strong emotion
B: Beliefs: They're not allowing me room to be true to my emotions - it's THEIR problem if they're hurt
....but with a kid, I think it's okay to teach them that!....
D: Disputes: they ARE scared, and can be encouraged to be brave in the face of my energy and emotion (probably best AFTER the emotion has defused)
- DH: A: Hitting others (incl us, in fact, mostly us)...be gentle with people
- Me: ignoring the rules, when I think they've been clearly set
Having someone act like I'm unclear when I think I've been really careful about clarity.
Beliefs: I've twisted my brain into an uncomfortable posiiton to get the information they need, without enjoying it, and now they're telling me the effort wasn't worthwhile?!?!?
Belief: I chose that method of communication because I've been told it was the right way to do it, and now you're telling me that the beliefs I was taught are wrong?!?!?
Belief (of the past): They're deliberately taunting me, or trying not to understand! Being obtuse, obstinate!
C: consequence: i get really angry, kindof furious that they're not even paying attention or listening!!!
D: dispute: maybe my "clarity" really didn't make sense to them...what else could I do to be clear? Ask them what they need to be clear....
E: encourage
- Me: Mimicking!! (thankfully, Fiora doesn't really do this, at least not yet)
B: This is mocking, OR this is telling someone they're not really in the moment.
This is belittling.
C: I get horribly defensive. I feel belittled. I don't want others to treat ANYBODY that way.
D: dispute: maybe it's an indication of confusion, or defiance...???
E: encourage

Week One: Do Nothing, Say Nothing - addendum

2010-02-03T17:03:00.000-05:00

I think, with my reluctance to engage in nagging behaviors, I am SO ready for this methodology! I was remembering how I also let Fiora get uncomfortable (tell her something is hot, but if she wants to try it she can...tell her it's cold outside, but if she doesnt want a coat we'll go outside) - I feel like she learns so WELL this way, and again, it prevents me from having to nag her about stuf she's never experienced. She KNOWS what we're talking about now, and she makes choices from her own experience.

But I admit, I sometimes felt like a callous mother when around other mothers, and it's a real relief to have some support for working this way.

Note: I'm starting to realize that while I may be stellar about nagging, I DO have tendency to whine rather than being really clear about what I want or need from others...ACK!

Week One: Do Nothing, Say Nothing

2010-02-03T16:49:00.000-05:00

This wasn't a big deal in our house, but I didn't really follow it, either. Fi is only 2 years old, and we try to base our training largely on modeling the appropriate behavior (though we're getting to the age of more tantrums and more messes, and I'm ready for some guidance!). I was not willing to let her bedtime slip, as that makes us all miserable (and she would stay up LATE on her own).

I kindof do a mild version of do nothing say nothing in the household as it is. I HATE nagging, I hate the idea of taking that task on, it seems so hateful to both individuals. So, DH has his own sections of the house (his office, the den, his side of the bedroom) where he can make as much of a mess, leave as many dirty dishes around as he wants, and it's NOT MY PROBLEM. Ah, I love that. Though occasionally I'll sweep the den up if company is coming.

Same with Fi. We ask her to put her books back, and to get her own bowl when she asks for snacks - though the bowl fetching so she can get food works lots better than putting books back! But I don't tend to clean up her messes but once or maybe twice a week - I don't like how angry it can make me (I don't like cleaning up after others), so I just don't do it as a rule.

With DH, I've been amazed how well this has worked. Every few months I might express how a dirty kitchen stresses me out, and each time his help in the kitchen really increases in small but significant and gracious ways (we also have a schedule for who cooks when, and who cleans up when, which clarified things a lot and decreased upset feelings!).

"out of control"

2010-02-03T15:08:00.001-05:00

i love this title (though I may change it). How out of control our lives have sometimes felt around here (though typically Fiora is a very generous and sweet child)...and how, for me, parenting on track is about relinquishing the illusion of control over other beings (my child, my dogs, my husband).

Which of course, in turn, means actually learning to be in control on myself, which in turn means being aware of myself, my emotions, my thoughts, my baggage. now THAT sounds like a good trip.

Joinging the bloggers

2010-02-03T13:08:00.000-05:00

We're at week 4 of watching Parenting on Track with Vicki Hoefle on www.momTV.com (Monday nights at 9pm), and I finally have the time (and incentive) to join the other families blogging out there. (Check out the website at http://www.parentingontrack.com/)

I love the process we've already gone through in just 3 weeks, and with just one 2 year old child (and 2 dogs, 4 and 5 years old, who have borne the brunt of teaching me to be a better person until I could HAVE a child without fear of completely screwing one up - thank you Nimbus and Sequoia!). Would love to document the stuff that's happened, (1) because it makes me proud of myself and them; and (2) because it makes me more aware of the choices I'm making daily.

but right now, I've got a stomach bug, my daughter is napping, and the bed is calling....so i'll write more later.